Can letting yourself go ruin a relationship?

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  • sPaRkLiNgLYFE
    sPaRkLiNgLYFE Posts: 609
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    i think it definitely can, you don't have to be perfect all the time but if you turn into a slob, that's a problem
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
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    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.

    This ^^^.

    The times I've seen this happen I've not got the time to list. Its both the inner and outer connection that matter, health issues withstanding.

    I've seen the larger a person gets the more they retract into themselves and the relationship dies through their lack of self confidence and esteem. When a person doesn't want to be physically intimate and previously were very outgoing in that respect, it kills a part of the relationship.

    So where you have a relationship where one part isn't as physically attracted to the other person and not getting any physical love or intimacy the very deep connection when face to face, is lost. It is bound to effect things.

    I think you've hit the underpinnings of it all. Good call.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    I think a lot of people mistake "my partner doesn't care what weight I am" when in reality he/she probably does care about your weight but loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or lose you... but it probably in a lot of cases bother him all the same, but out of respect he/she will say nothing.

    You can indeed be with someone and deeply in love with them BUT not find them physically attractive and still stay with them. But would you really want your partner to be thinking that and not saying anything to you because he/she doesn't want to upset/lose you/lose intimacy etc?

    If you have no real reason (e.g. health issues) why not try to remain fit and healthy for a longer life together? :smile:

    This
    YES! I hate when people pull out the "love" card...because as stated above...you can love someone and not be attracted to them anymore (it happens ALL THE TIME). I believe its important to keep that 'spark' in your intimate relationship for as long as you possibly can....:tongue:
  • drchimpanzee
    drchimpanzee Posts: 892 Member
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    Haven't read through the entired thread but has anyone commented on where the line is between "getting a little chubby" vs "letting yourself go?" I think if your partner gains 10-20lbs over a few years (give or take depending on the person) then that doesn't really constitute a huge change in the core of who they are. Maybe they've just been living it up a little more, cutting out some exercise, etc. If you see a 50-100lb change you have to question what's going on behind the scenes to drive such a big change. The behind the scenes causes of weight gains would be the bigger issue even than the looks. What it comes down to is both people have to be on mostly the same page or you're living two different lives. One person can't jog 20 miles a week, lift, and watch their diet mostly while the other person eats fast food every day and watches 30 hours a week of TV.
  • fitfreakymom
    fitfreakymom Posts: 1,400 Member
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    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.

    The cheating can go either way, my hubby did it to me after I lost most of my weight.
  • strippedandvital
    strippedandvital Posts: 32 Member
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    The amount of super shallow comments being cloaked in the guise of self-respect is depressing. "I don't want to bang a fatty, but I'm going to say I really want someone who respects themselves enough to stay fit." Please. At least admit to being superficial.

    Love, actual deep, lasting love, is not based on looks at all. No couple who has been happily married for 50+ years is sitting there worrying about that. Those relationships are based on love, genuine respect, trust, and hard work... not sex appeal.
  • strippedandvital
    strippedandvital Posts: 32 Member
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    Talk to any couple that has been together for a long time. Like 30+ years. I think the majority of the time, looks play a secondary role. It necessarily has to in a real long term commitment.


    This whole thread is proof that some people can be serial monogamists, but never married for the long haul. I mean, WTF are you going to do when your partner, gets, oh I don't know, OLD? Bald? Saggy? Scarred? Chronically ill? God forbid that person doesn't make your junk tingle all the time. You might actually have to get to know and love them as a person.

    This. Hardcore this.
  • strippedandvital
    strippedandvital Posts: 32 Member
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    Let's face it....everyone has a certain "type" that they find attractive.

    Not everyone. Some of us do genuinely fall for people, not their bodies/looks. Not one of my partners has looked like any of the others. Tall, short, thin, thick, dark, light, male, female. It's 100% about personality for me. If you are a sexy human being, your looks automatically become appealing to me, regardless of what is considered conventionally attractive. Unfortunately, most people DO have a type, & are missing out on some AMAZING people because of it.
  • usernameMAMA
    usernameMAMA Posts: 681 Member
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    I think that even if you're thin or in in shape you can still "let yourself go". There are a lot of heavy people who put themselves together very well. I think no matter what size you are your partner doesn't want to see you in pajama's every day.
  • Alyssah09
    Alyssah09 Posts: 357 Member
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    It depends of your relationship (dating, sleeping together, engaged, married)

    I am engaged to a wonderful man who is VERY fit, he is 6'2'' and about 170 lbs. He is was a surf instructor and personal trainer. Very attractive and always had the small skinny stick girls that he dated. He met me and I was 210 so 40 lbs heavier than him (I am 5'5'') and he loved me regardless of my weight. I had strechmarks from my son in 2009 that wouldent go away and the horrible "shelf" that C section mamas get. He loves me no matter WHAT I look like because our connection is so much deeper than physical appearance. I am now pregnant with my second, his first baby and at 217 lbs. He still thinks I am the sexiest thing alive. Being bigger does not change out sex life, I am still as active and adventurous as I was when I was 120 lbs. If you love someone, it should not matter what they look like. Its always nice to be sexually appealing to your SO, but if you REALLY love someone, you are sexy to them all the time!
  • kmneves
    kmneves Posts: 6 Member
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    Honestly, I feel like if it's the real deal, no. I think what can ruin it is the side-effects that go along with letting yourself go like decreased self-esteem and negativity and changes in personality. But if someone leaves you solely based on your appearance, I don't think it was right to begin with.
  • Hummmingbird
    Hummmingbird Posts: 337 Member
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    YES. I havent had sex in a month.....not his fault, I just feel so ugly and crappy about my appearance!
  • CalJur
    CalJur Posts: 627 Member
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    My "ex" let herself go. Enough said.
  • Alyssah09
    Alyssah09 Posts: 357 Member
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    This whole thread is proof that some people can be serial monogamists, but never married for the long haul. I mean, WTF are you going to do when your partner, gets, oh I don't know, OLD? Bald? Saggy? Scarred? Chronically ill? God forbid that person doesn't make your junk tingle all the time. You might actually have to get to know and love them as a person.
    [/quote]


    ^^^^^ THIS
  • Hummmingbird
    Hummmingbird Posts: 337 Member
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    junk tingle....oh my god I almost died laughing!!!! My hubby loves me and its not his fault we dont get frisky....its mine.....and hasnt by any means "ruined", but it does strain our marriage....we are newly weds that never get frisky lol!
  • jenniejengin
    jenniejengin Posts: 785 Member
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    :smile:
    You should be physically appealing to your partner.
  • Cp731
    Cp731 Posts: 3,195 Member
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    Yes, and here's why: Im working out and eating healthy so I can be attractive for me and mostly for you.
    So you bet your tush, Im going to expect the same from a partner.
    Yes, I am that vein and Im not shy to say that.
  • likeschocolate
    likeschocolate Posts: 368 Member
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    Depends on the person.

    As an example, I value intelligence and other non-physical traits.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
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    I don't think letting oneself go is what causes the relationship's ruin. I think letting oneself go is symptomatic of a relationship that has problems (sometimes the problem is as simple as staying in one's comfort zone and not venturing out to meet his or her partner anymore).
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,453 Member
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    I think it can, after a certain point, unless the partner doesn't have a problem with a bigger shape. But size isn't the only issue. Some people think they can start dressing slobby and generally neglect their appearance. Even if the person's shape/size is the same, this can also be a turnoff. If you care about your partner you should try to remain appealing to them.

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