Can letting yourself go ruin a relationship?

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Replies

  • Valera0466
    Valera0466 Posts: 319 Member
    I think a lot of people mistake "my partner doesn't care what weight I am" when in reality he/she probably does care about your weight but loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or lose you... but it probably in a lot of cases bother him all the same, but out of respect he/she will say nothing.

    You can indeed be with someone and deeply in love with them BUT not find them physically attractive and still stay with them. But would you really want your partner to be thinking that and not saying anything to you because he/she doesn't want to upset/lose you/lose intimacy etc?

    If you have no real reason (e.g. health issues) why not try to remain fit and healthy for a longer life together? :smile:

    This
  • lilcupcake213
    lilcupcake213 Posts: 545 Member
    Unfortunately, I think it can ruin a relationship. As much as I'd like to believe the whole "they should love you for you" speech....sometimes that just simply isn't the case. People are attracted to one another based on looks. I never saw anyone say "hey, that girl is really good in math I should go talk to her" That just isn't the way it is. If you let yourself go and the attraction between you and your partner slowly dwindles away...sex goes away. And if sex goes away, you get cranky, which in turn you fight with each other and then everything is just *kitten*.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.
  • SexyLovinmeCook
    SexyLovinmeCook Posts: 1,393 Member
    I agree it makes a difference.....physical attraction is just as important as the inner connection....I do think it can ruin a relationship especially if you weren't that way from the start and you let yourself go....I do this for me but I also want to be the hottest for my honey! =)
  • allisona28
    allisona28 Posts: 186 Member
    BUMP
  • chellebublz
    chellebublz Posts: 568 Member
    I think some men (and maybe some women too?) when they tell their partners they find them attractive at their higher weight, it is just insecurities. I honestly can't see how my fiance could be attracted to me right now, but he claims to be and doesn't care if I stay on target. In fact, brings home things that he knows I'm not allowed to have, like a sabatage attempt. He is just so scared that I will lose the weight and leave him, I know. He is on the bigger side too, I don't mind it too much, he's like a big teddy bear. But I am encouraging him to lose with me. Not because I'm not attracted to him anymore, but because heart disease runs in his genes and I want him to be with me for a very long time. And if he loses weight and gets attention from other women, I know he won't do anything so I will find it flattering and proud :)
  • Matt_Wild
    Matt_Wild Posts: 2,673 Member
    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.

    This ^^^.

    The times I've seen this happen I've not got the time to list. Its both the inner and outer connection that matter, health issues withstanding.

    I've seen the larger a person gets the more they retract into themselves and the relationship dies through their lack of self confidence and esteem. When a person doesn't want to be physically intimate and previously were very outgoing in that respect, it kills a part of the relationship.

    So where you have a relationship where one part isn't as physically attracted to the other person and not getting any physical love or intimacy the very deep connection when face to face, is lost. It is bound to effect things.
  • bekinator
    bekinator Posts: 103
    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.

    i'd agree to a degree. it *should* bother my SO if i would go thru such a drastic change to throw my self-confidence out the window & begin a self-destructive process like forfeiting & neglecting my health. i also would have to think that it would change my personal happiness, which in turn would definitely affect our synergy- which is what makes great sex so great anyway. truth is, it would change things in the bedroom if i would do that, and honestly when he's lost his interest in taking care of himself while i hold a value in it, it turns me off.

    but don't u think it's because i put attention to it? as a couple "becoming one" per-sé, he would know & feel that i put value on it, and in rebellion he forfeits his concern with taking care of himself and THAT is what starts to divide us. the divide happened before somebody started to let theirself go.

    just my take on it anywayz.
  • AniyahsMommy324
    AniyahsMommy324 Posts: 104 Member
    I don't care what anyone says....keeping yourself together plays a BIIIGGGG role when it comes to keeping a spark in a relationship, sex and intimacy. if a person gets so complacent with themselves that they just let themselves go, and they don't want to change it, do you think that you would last in that relationship? Mind you....you are very supportive, as well as a avid believer in staying in shape and wanting to look good not just for you, but for them too!!! What would you do?

    This one is a topic that my fiancé and I discuss frequently. I used to be small compared to what I am now. I gained 50 pounds while pregnant with my first daughter, and instead of losing the weight after, gained 15 more lbs! My 2nd daughter I didn't gain anything. I often ask my fiancé if he feels different about me bc of the way I look and my struggle with weightloss. He says no, but that if I let myself go and quit trying to lose and gain more, it could become an issue. Good thing I'm not gaining ever again! ;) lol
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    Talk to any couple that has been together for a long time. Like 30+ years. I think the majority of the time, looks play a secondary role. It necessarily has to in a real long term commitment.


    This whole thread is proof that some people can be serial monogamists, but never married for the long haul. I mean, WTF are you going to do when your partner, gets, oh I don't know, OLD? Bald? Saggy? Scarred? Chronically ill? God forbid that person doesn't make your junk tingle all the time. You might actually have to get to know and love them as a person.
  • sPaRkLiNgLYFE
    sPaRkLiNgLYFE Posts: 609
    i think it definitely can, you don't have to be perfect all the time but if you turn into a slob, that's a problem
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.

    This ^^^.

    The times I've seen this happen I've not got the time to list. Its both the inner and outer connection that matter, health issues withstanding.

    I've seen the larger a person gets the more they retract into themselves and the relationship dies through their lack of self confidence and esteem. When a person doesn't want to be physically intimate and previously were very outgoing in that respect, it kills a part of the relationship.

    So where you have a relationship where one part isn't as physically attracted to the other person and not getting any physical love or intimacy the very deep connection when face to face, is lost. It is bound to effect things.

    I think you've hit the underpinnings of it all. Good call.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
    I think a lot of people mistake "my partner doesn't care what weight I am" when in reality he/she probably does care about your weight but loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or lose you... but it probably in a lot of cases bother him all the same, but out of respect he/she will say nothing.

    You can indeed be with someone and deeply in love with them BUT not find them physically attractive and still stay with them. But would you really want your partner to be thinking that and not saying anything to you because he/she doesn't want to upset/lose you/lose intimacy etc?

    If you have no real reason (e.g. health issues) why not try to remain fit and healthy for a longer life together? :smile:

    This
    YES! I hate when people pull out the "love" card...because as stated above...you can love someone and not be attracted to them anymore (it happens ALL THE TIME). I believe its important to keep that 'spark' in your intimate relationship for as long as you possibly can....:tongue:
  • drchimpanzee
    drchimpanzee Posts: 892 Member
    Haven't read through the entired thread but has anyone commented on where the line is between "getting a little chubby" vs "letting yourself go?" I think if your partner gains 10-20lbs over a few years (give or take depending on the person) then that doesn't really constitute a huge change in the core of who they are. Maybe they've just been living it up a little more, cutting out some exercise, etc. If you see a 50-100lb change you have to question what's going on behind the scenes to drive such a big change. The behind the scenes causes of weight gains would be the bigger issue even than the looks. What it comes down to is both people have to be on mostly the same page or you're living two different lives. One person can't jog 20 miles a week, lift, and watch their diet mostly while the other person eats fast food every day and watches 30 hours a week of TV.
  • fitfreakymom
    fitfreakymom Posts: 1,400 Member
    if it breaks you two, then the love never went very deep.

    love is an outward motion, not a game of checks & balances.
    Relationships aren't just about LOVE though... you can love someone with all of your heart and yet be repulsed by seeing them naked....it doesn't go hand in hand. Mutual attraction (and yes, SEX!) is important to a committed relationship between two people, and if you're turned off by them physically, you can't fake that :ohwell:

    I know tons of people whose relationships failed because of these situations...and lots of people who cheated or were cheated on too...so don't kid yourselves into thinking that your SO isn't necessarily bothered if you've let yourself go.

    The cheating can go either way, my hubby did it to me after I lost most of my weight.
  • strippedandvital
    strippedandvital Posts: 32 Member
    The amount of super shallow comments being cloaked in the guise of self-respect is depressing. "I don't want to bang a fatty, but I'm going to say I really want someone who respects themselves enough to stay fit." Please. At least admit to being superficial.

    Love, actual deep, lasting love, is not based on looks at all. No couple who has been happily married for 50+ years is sitting there worrying about that. Those relationships are based on love, genuine respect, trust, and hard work... not sex appeal.
  • strippedandvital
    strippedandvital Posts: 32 Member
    Talk to any couple that has been together for a long time. Like 30+ years. I think the majority of the time, looks play a secondary role. It necessarily has to in a real long term commitment.


    This whole thread is proof that some people can be serial monogamists, but never married for the long haul. I mean, WTF are you going to do when your partner, gets, oh I don't know, OLD? Bald? Saggy? Scarred? Chronically ill? God forbid that person doesn't make your junk tingle all the time. You might actually have to get to know and love them as a person.

    This. Hardcore this.
  • strippedandvital
    strippedandvital Posts: 32 Member
    Let's face it....everyone has a certain "type" that they find attractive.

    Not everyone. Some of us do genuinely fall for people, not their bodies/looks. Not one of my partners has looked like any of the others. Tall, short, thin, thick, dark, light, male, female. It's 100% about personality for me. If you are a sexy human being, your looks automatically become appealing to me, regardless of what is considered conventionally attractive. Unfortunately, most people DO have a type, & are missing out on some AMAZING people because of it.
  • usernameMAMA
    usernameMAMA Posts: 681 Member
    I think that even if you're thin or in in shape you can still "let yourself go". There are a lot of heavy people who put themselves together very well. I think no matter what size you are your partner doesn't want to see you in pajama's every day.
  • Alyssah09
    Alyssah09 Posts: 357 Member
    It depends of your relationship (dating, sleeping together, engaged, married)

    I am engaged to a wonderful man who is VERY fit, he is 6'2'' and about 170 lbs. He is was a surf instructor and personal trainer. Very attractive and always had the small skinny stick girls that he dated. He met me and I was 210 so 40 lbs heavier than him (I am 5'5'') and he loved me regardless of my weight. I had strechmarks from my son in 2009 that wouldent go away and the horrible "shelf" that C section mamas get. He loves me no matter WHAT I look like because our connection is so much deeper than physical appearance. I am now pregnant with my second, his first baby and at 217 lbs. He still thinks I am the sexiest thing alive. Being bigger does not change out sex life, I am still as active and adventurous as I was when I was 120 lbs. If you love someone, it should not matter what they look like. Its always nice to be sexually appealing to your SO, but if you REALLY love someone, you are sexy to them all the time!
  • kmneves
    kmneves Posts: 6 Member
    Honestly, I feel like if it's the real deal, no. I think what can ruin it is the side-effects that go along with letting yourself go like decreased self-esteem and negativity and changes in personality. But if someone leaves you solely based on your appearance, I don't think it was right to begin with.
  • Hummmingbird
    Hummmingbird Posts: 337 Member
    YES. I havent had sex in a month.....not his fault, I just feel so ugly and crappy about my appearance!
  • CalJur
    CalJur Posts: 627 Member
    My "ex" let herself go. Enough said.
  • Alyssah09
    Alyssah09 Posts: 357 Member
    This whole thread is proof that some people can be serial monogamists, but never married for the long haul. I mean, WTF are you going to do when your partner, gets, oh I don't know, OLD? Bald? Saggy? Scarred? Chronically ill? God forbid that person doesn't make your junk tingle all the time. You might actually have to get to know and love them as a person.
    [/quote]


    ^^^^^ THIS
  • Hummmingbird
    Hummmingbird Posts: 337 Member
    junk tingle....oh my god I almost died laughing!!!! My hubby loves me and its not his fault we dont get frisky....its mine.....and hasnt by any means "ruined", but it does strain our marriage....we are newly weds that never get frisky lol!
  • jenniejengin
    jenniejengin Posts: 784 Member
    :smile:
    You should be physically appealing to your partner.
  • Cp731
    Cp731 Posts: 3,195 Member
    Yes, and here's why: Im working out and eating healthy so I can be attractive for me and mostly for you.
    So you bet your tush, Im going to expect the same from a partner.
    Yes, I am that vein and Im not shy to say that.
  • likeschocolate
    likeschocolate Posts: 368 Member
    Depends on the person.

    As an example, I value intelligence and other non-physical traits.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
    I don't think letting oneself go is what causes the relationship's ruin. I think letting oneself go is symptomatic of a relationship that has problems (sometimes the problem is as simple as staying in one's comfort zone and not venturing out to meet his or her partner anymore).
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
    I think it can, after a certain point, unless the partner doesn't have a problem with a bigger shape. But size isn't the only issue. Some people think they can start dressing slobby and generally neglect their appearance. Even if the person's shape/size is the same, this can also be a turnoff. If you care about your partner you should try to remain appealing to them.

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