Can letting yourself go ruin a relationship?

rockangel8907 · January 2013

I feel like if you met a guy and you were in great shape but once you snagged him you gave up the gym, out drank him on a regular basis and could down more wings than him and his buddies combined when you had been a "spinach salad, no croutons lemon wedges on the side and steamed broccoli and seared fish only" kinda girl then yes. It is false advertising, just as bad as someone leading you to believe they hold a high position in a hospital or law firm only to find out they are the janitor or maintaince man.
If gaining weight comes over time then no it should not ruin the relationship.

LMT2012 · January 2013

If you don't respect yourself enough to keep yourself in shape then you really have to hope that person loves you. I personally feel like with the issues I've had it has affected my relationship but because I have pushed him away.. I was never making time for myself and when I started to he had problems with it. So yes, letting yourself go can ruin a relationship, but it's not always the letting go part.

This. It's not always looking and feeling good, but the sexier attitude that comes with it that keeps interest.

RandiLandCHANGED · January 2013

I think it depends. I was 116lbs 7 years ago. After pregnancy, I was around 170/180. I gained 80, 85 & 50 lbs with my pregnancies because I stuffed my face and barely moved. My husband still told me he was attracted to me but I had zero confidence. I have since lost a bunch of the weight and am around 126. I am working on building muscle and feel pretty confident.

My husband was 180 when we met. A few weeks ago he was 220 with a less than ideal body fat percentage. I was/am still attracted to him and honestly wasn't bothered by his weight gain as I felt he carried it well and did not strike me as obese or unhealthy. When we met he was 18 playing AAA Hockey and now he works a ridiculous schedule of 12 hour days mixed with nights, plus travel time, and he let his diet go. He is now 215, and we are working to get him closer to 200, plus a lot of lifting & cardio.

Both of us "let ourselves go" at one point or another. For us, it was not a deal breaker. Have I been encouraging him and making sure all his meals keep him within his caloric needs? Yes. I don't force anything upon him, but I will absolutely help where he wants me to.

louisel809 · January 2013

i hate to say it but i think so, albeit physical attraction is not the biggest thing in a relationship but it is important. i would never end a relationship but i would certainly address it and would expect the same in return.

trojanbb · January 2013

If it does, then it was not a healthy relationship. True love has nothing to do with the size of your girth. Yes, some sexual position are difficult, or impossible, if you are obese, but some positions can work no matter your size.

This is a fantasy.

Exactly.

If you want to believe it go ahead. Just realize most men will disagree and you are likely setting yourself up for eventual disappointment.

So women are the only ones who "let themselves go"?

Men or women can either chose to love somebody enough to look past the sometimes inevitable aging of their partner, or chose to look for greener pastures. That's just the way it goes.

umm did I say anything like that? No, I did not.

And "letting yourself go" is not "inevitable aging". By definition, letting yourself go is preventable.

00sarah · January 2013

I think it's important to do your best to look good for your partner. I know mine appreciates my efforts! And he married me when I was 60lb heavier...
Once I started working on myself, he wanted to keep up with me and now we both have this interest in common. It's brought us closer.

Matt_Wild · January 2013

It is pretty unrealistic to imagine that everyone will ignore changes in a relationship. Whether its shape or personality, it all adds up.

YogaNikki · January 2013

Can it? Yes. Does it always no.

Is your sex life better when you and your partner take care of yourselves?...Damn skippy it is. So take care of yourself, each other and have hot sex. The relationship is bound to work

celestinha · January 2013

I think it can ruin a relationship for sure. I know if my partner let himself go, I would definitely not be as attracted to him or want to be as intimate with him because that's not what I find to be attractive. I know he feels the same as well, though he was still attracted to me 40 pounds ago so I'm not sure exactly to what extent I'd have to let myself go for him to find me unattractive. We've definitely had this conversation though, and we agree that letting ourselves go wouldn't do anything good whatsoever for our relationship.

Ramberta · January 2013

If you're in love, it won't matter too much. But, I think there's a point where the "letting themselves go" is symptomatic of something else.

I am an active person and I enjoy physical challenges, whether its running a half marathon, hiking, surfing, or whatever. If my partner decides to let herself go, she's going to likely not be able to keep up, and not enjoy physical pursuits, and we might have issues as a result of her not wanting to be physical.

So, it wouldn't mean anything superficial, necessarily, it's just that I want to go hiking, not sit on the couch eating donuts. So, our interests would start to lead in separate directions. And, it would get difficult for a while. Especially, as I said, if there truly is a love component.

If it kept up with no end in sight, likely the relationship would fall apart because we probably wouldn't be spending much time together.

I agree with this to some extent. My ex-fiancee was almost 400 pounds and while I definitely loved her, it frustrated me sometimes that I was always the one who wanted to go on a walk / to the pool / go downtown / whatever, and all she wanted to do was lay in bed and be on the computer. However, the reasons I left her had nothing to do with that, and if I'd been committed to her I would have tried harder to motivate her and lead by example.

MagicalLeopleurodon · January 2013

Love shouldnt be based in appearance-but sex is.
And when someone lets themself go with weight, it makes you wonder how else theyre slacking. Plus, its like saying, "well, now we're together. i can quit trying to be attractive now."
Almost like they were always a slob, but put on a costume just to attract you.

RunsOnEspresso · January 2013

I think it depends on a lot of factors. As others have stated, the why can be very important. If the person is unhappy with themselves or the relationship/other person, then there could be an issue that cannot be resolved.

My boyfriend and I both gained weight after we met because of various factors. I got to a point where my current clothes were going to no longer fit. I made a change. He hasn't. I don't care that he hasn't made an effort to lose. Something as little as a few pounds that we both gained at the start of our relationship isn't going to make me end the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Do I want him to be healthy? Yes. He eats the same food as I do. I try to get him to go on walks when we can. He also supports me fully. He encourages me to workout on bad days. He buys healthy food. He always wants me to pick where to eat so that it fits in my goals. And I love him even more for being so supportive.

And I run. I do races alone because that is one of my hobbies outside our relationship. It gives me something to do when he's working nights and weekends.

Ramberta · January 2013

Love shouldnt be based in appearance-but sex is.
And when someone lets themself go with weight, it makes you wonder how else theyre slacking. Plus, its like saying, "well, now we're together. i can quit trying to be attractive now."
Almost like they were always a slob, but put on a costume just to attract you.

So someone gaining weight makes them a slob? What if they got put on medication (such as an antidepressant/anti-anxiety pill, or hormone pills) that caused weight gain? What if they developed a medical condition or had to have surgery, and in the aftermath put on a few pounds? What if they were really stressed out at their job and began to eat a bad snack before bed every night, resulting in some weight gain?

I am not trying to pick on you personally because others have said very similar things, but my beef with the phrase "letting yourself go" is the "let" part. If you truly love someone, you'll understand that maybe the reason why they're "slacking" in personal appearance isn't something they're fine with, and isn't something that they can control on their own. What we should do in that situation is support them, not leave them because they're "letting themselves go". Unless the relationship isn't serious, I suppose, but if you leave at the first sign of "slob" behavior, you're going to have a hard time finding a truly comfortable and honest relationship.

GainsAndGuitars · January 2013

My thoughts on this, for what they are worth, are these:

(1) If the "letting yourself go" is simply because you don't care about how you look, or your health....then yes, it would negatively affect things, I think. However, this isn't always the case. For instance, if two people are in shape prior to meeting one another, but only in shape because they spend hours in a gym every day and it was mid-summer. Then they meet and start spending a lot of time together, in the house watching movies, winter sets in and they get busy with work and kids, maybe an injury (who knows what could come into play), and before they know it because of their enjoyment of cooking big meals together and entertaining friends, etc.....next thing, they've both added 20-30 lbs (or even maybe just one of them). I don't see this as a "legitimate" (for purposes of this thread) reason for leaving the other or whatever.

However, if one or both meet the other then simply say "to hell with this health and fitness stuff, he/she better love me no matter what, I don't need to take care of myself like that anymore"...well, to me at least, this is a symptom of a much bigger issue and the relationship would likely end anyway, this may just speed it up a bit.

(2) There is also the mental aspect of it which I think is an even bigger issue. If one partner lets themself go, then slumps into a depression, starts refusing to go out and do things, etc and so forth........well then, BIG issue that I think negatively impacts relationships MUCH more than appearance.

Agreed. Especially the 2nd point.

SPBROOKS68 · January 2013

I find that your partner follows what you do or you do them! If you are on a health kick, they will follow BUT if you eat unhealthy and never exercise, then so will they!

Hirgy03 · January 2013

Referring to the sex life part of things, I think this really only gets affected when either (1) stamina is cut down, but hey...age does that too (so I hear)

or, the bigger issue is when (2) the person's sense of self-confidence is so negatively impacted that they don't see themselves as "sexy" and hence won't let the other partner be intimate with them. THAT, I think, is a bigger issue than most would admit to.

Now, when it comes to letting yourself go to the point where it is causing physical problems, then at least myself, for one, would have a major issue with this. Now I'm not saying I'm one to speak or even that its fair that I would cast that stone. God knows over the years I've had times and relapses where I really let myself go, especially after the death of my first wife. She died of cancer, and was one of, if not THE, healthiest people I knew. She had no health issues, didn't smoke, hardly ever drank, led a pretty active life, etc. Then out of nowhere cancer hit her at 30, and she was dead at 31. I've said it to any woman since that I've gone on more than 2-3 dates with, that I refuse to be with somebody who would willingly put their own life and health at risk for something that is preventable like disease, etc.

Maybe that makes me a bad person, but losing one spouse almost killed me. I'm not willing to go through that again...at least not when it was because the person just "let it happen" and ignored all warnings out of sheer laziness or depression.

the Catch-22 here is that sometimes you have to find love FIRST to pull yourself out of that funk, that depression, that state of mind that you aren't "worth" it. I had put on about 70 lbs and lived in the bottom of a bottle for a few years when I started wanting to be more worthy of love again. At that point, after some hits and misses, and met my now fiancee. There was a stretch where we both let ourselves go for a while.....call it "comfort" weight. Now we are both making strides again and looking better by the day. However, it wasn't until we started talking and realizing that neither of us was comfortable with OURSELVES anymore, but neither had really noticed it much on the other.....and what things we DID notice on the other did not really matter to us.

I don't know where I was going with that, but there it is........ just thinking out loud I guess

liesevanlingen · January 2013

When I and my husband got married, I was a skinny little thing weighing in at 120 lbs (which was much too thin at my height of 5 ft 7) Over 16 years and four pregnancies later my weight had increased to 190 lbs. My husband never once implied that I was less sexy or desirable because of it. He loved me, and that was it. Period.
That being said, now I've lost 35 lbs, he can't keep his hands off me (which is great as far as I'm concerned, your libido DOES improve once you start losing weight) and I did ask him if he finds me more attractive. He said that he's always thought I'm beautiful, but now I like the way I look too and that is what makes me so "smokin' hot" right now. Confidence is sexy.

Hirgy03 · January 2013

....... He said that he's always thought I'm beautiful, but now I like the way I look too and that is what makes me so "smokin' hot" right now. Confidence is sexy.

THIS is exactly the way it should be, and the way I see it. Confidence is sexy. Some of the "sexiest" women I've ever known have been of all shapes and sizes.

MireyGal76 · January 2013

I say yes, no, and it depends.

Let's ignore sudden medical conditions for a moment...
I'm also going to assume "letting yourself go" relates to a 50lb gain or more... as the rest is just fluff to me.

Yes: often substantial weight gain happens because a person is turning toward food as a source of comfort, and also likely becoming very sedentary at the same time. If this is happening, then it could symbolize a withdrawing of that person from the couple. If you cannot seek comfort with your mate, this in itself can cause problems within the relationship. It may be a result of financial problems, or sexual intimacy issues... but either way it is often a sign of a fracture within the relationship. The increased weight can thereby add to the existing frustrations, because it may (emphasis on may) impact the attraction between the spouses in an already fractured relationship. Further more, if the couple was once active together, this may also result in less active time together.

No: To some people, letting yourself go is a few pounds here or there. Personally, I don't need someone in "perfect physical shape". I've never dated anyone with a six pack, or low body fat %. My ex was thin, and weighed less than me, but over time developed quite the belly. When we were good, that never bothered me, or impacted what little intimacy we had. I may worry if I "let myself go", the converse may be true, but in my opinion, I love the man... and that's all that counts to me.

It depends: in reality, I think it all depends on the circumstances... sometimes medical issues crop up - unplanned accidents, medical emergencies, sicknesses, etc. If the relationship is strong between the two people, then a bit of extra weight won't matter, nor should sudden paralysis, or a heart condition which prevents physical intimacy, etc.
If the relationship is weak, fractured, or purely sexual, then yes - it'll be toast shortly there after.

I guess the question you have to ask is this:

"why are you in the relationship with this person?"
- is it because they're hot and fun?
- is it because you are a match in personality?
- is it because of shared interests?
- is it because of children?
- is it because of outside pressures?

Ideally, it's more than just the first one... if you want any lasting value out of it.

fitfreakymom · January 2013

Im not sure how much it has to do with positions.
If you are no longer physicaly attracted to them due to losing or gaing weight then you are just not physicaly attracted to them, I think it is a matter of what you are into and if weight gain or loss is something you can lok past then great but keep in mind that in most cases it was your looks that attrated your partner to begin with.

Viva_Karina · January 2013

bump

MinnieInMaine · January 2013

Depends on how far they let themselves go... As someone else said, declining/bad hygeine would be more of a turn off to me than someone putting on some weight. I can deal with a little chub (hehe) but not stinky BO.

Either way, a strong healthy relationship shouldn't just end because someone is letting themselves go. As tough as it may be, if something is bothering you about your partner enough that you're thinking of ending the relationship then it's time to have a good heart to heart and be honest with them. If we're talking weight, it may not even be so much about the lack of atraction as it is the health concerns.

My Hubs was still sexy when he was 30 pounds heavier but I was starting to get concerned about his health between the fast food and the more sedentary job he had at the time. I never brought it up as a full on discussion but made sure I shared my concerns and knowledge about healthier eating with him when the subject came up. Thankfully he started taking some of my advice and made changes and is doing a lot better. He'll never be a health nut but he's getting healthier and that's what matters most to me.

Matt_Wild · January 2013

How far is too far letting yourself go tho? A couple of stones? A couple of stone on someone naturally say 8 stone isn't a massive amount.... 14 stone on same person is a massive change. When peoples weight changes EITHER way (as in the lose or gain) inevitably it does alter the way they view the world and the way they act, talk and the esteem and ultimately their personality.

fitfreakymom · January 2013

How far is too far letting yourself go tho? A couple of stones? A couple of stone on someone naturally say 8 stone isn't a massive amount.... 14 stone on same person is a massive change. When peoples weight changes EITHER way (as in the lose or gain) inevitably it does alter the way they view the world and the way they act, talk and the esteem and ultimately their personality.

I agree

_DaniD_ · January 2013

Well it can ruin your sex life, so it can ruin your relationship.

Me, I will be 90 years old wearing a push up bra, high heels, nails done.

CrazyCatLadylovescats · January 2013

I guess I have to ask some questions. What if it wasn't "letting yourself go" but was due to other factors that you gained weight? What if as a couple you decide to start a family and end up putting on a lot of weight during pregnancy? What if you were in an accident of some sort that meant that exercise was limited and before you figured out how many calories you needed on your now restricted movement, you gained a lot of weight?

Sure, all things being equal, if you had been exercising and then stop, that certainly isn't fair to your body, and partner could legitly say " you are letting yourself go." But if you are pregnant, or have a baby or preschooler (and limited funds or partner unmotivated to watch the baby) exercising may not be possible. This is NOT the same thing as "letting yourself go" as the motivation may be there but other needs take a higher priority, such as caring for baby, breastfeeding, getting sleep, and a whole host of other things.