Can letting yourself go ruin a relationship?

DamnImASexyBitch

Yes. My husband has always loved me, but I can tell our intimacy has improved as my body has transformed.

LetsMakeupXtina

Absolutely, IMO.

LetsMakeupXtina

Sorry to say, but men do care what a woman looks like... Its the first thing they see!

and women care what a man looks like... generally speaking.

AmandasaurasRex

Yes it can, but it depends on how much one has let themselves go. By this I mean, there's a difference in gaining a little weight by not eating right or exercise and say, not taking enough showers. The first wouldn't bother me, whereas the second is disgusting.

Begood03

Everyone should want to look good for their partner. Men and women.

TylerJ76

Yes.

When I gained the 130lbs my girlfriend didn't find me attractive anymore.


I can't/won't/don't blame her one bit.

Bumbeen

Sorry to say, but men do care what a woman looks like... Its the first thing they see!

and women care what a man looks like... generally speaking.

But far less so. I can determine whether or not a girl is going to get me turned on within 15 seconds of seeing her. For a female, that may be true for very attractive men, but far less attractive men can also turn her on with their behavior given enough time(confidence, charm, intelligence, humor,etc). No amount of intelligence or personality is going to give me a boner for a gal I don't find physically attractive. It is what it is.

I'm sure you've heard the phrase: "Give me 10 minutes to talk away my ugly face and I'll bed the Queen of France"

xXxHBICxXx

I think it can.

whatsasimba

I think some people aren't quite reading the question properly. They're equating "letting yourself go" with "losing your looks," and are naturally being defensive about it. For some couples, settling down and gaining the inevitable "few pounds" or "few dozen pounds" is one thing. Losing interest in caring about yourself is another. If your partner (man OR woman) has detached themselves from what makes them happy, what makes you happy and no longer takes care of him or herself, then yes, that can ruin a relationship.

While it might be shallow to lose interest in your partner, it's very difficult to continue to love someone who isn't completely "there," or who has checked out emotionally.

A lot of people said that looks shouldn't matter, and I agree, to an extent. A few people said they didn't get married or fall in love with someone based on their looks, so looks shouldn't be what kills the relationship. But imagine if the person let himself go in other ways. Paying the bills. Taking care of the kids. Looking for work. Bathing. Abusing drugs or alcohol. You didn't marry them for any one of those reasons alone, either, but if she stops taking care of herself (in ANY capacity), it puts a big strain on a relationship. You work on it together as best you can, but sometimes the other person is unreachable, or they become more stubborn about the problem the more it's pointed out.

joycebug

Letting myself go physically didn't hinder my marriage. Me trying to get back into shape is...

tyraun_b

Thanks everyone for taking the time out to comment on my discussion

Hbazzell

Yes. Even though my husband met met at this weight, my self esteem got so low that I was unable to feel comfortable with him in any intimate setting. I still feel super insecure all the time even though I know he loves me I just cant imagine how anyone could be attracted to me. My self image sucks bad.

Hbazzell

My weight has yo-yo'ed in a 30 lb range over the 10 years I've been with my husband and he's never treated me any differently. Any bumps in the road as far as intimacy goes have been because I've felt too fat to be looked at or even touched. My husband has gained some weight over the years but I honestly don't see him as any less attractive, actually I find him more attractive.. he's getting better with age

Yes, This^

dawson55510

I met my gf/wife when i was 238 i went up to 310lbs npz
She cheated on me when i was 225 what i looked like in my profile, imo the best shape of my life so just proving it can work both ways.

hdutoit17

My husband never said anything negative about my weight and started dating me when I was at my heaviest which I know wasnt obese, but still - he is fit and in very good shape. But I can see he adores my fitter and leaner body shape and touches and holds me differently.
The only thing that hit my relationship is my low self esteem. It makes me depressed and not in the mood for much.
He loves being active and wants me to join him, so gets very dissapointed when I just sit there. I think in the long run that will become a big problem in our relationship, so I am working on my issues. he once even said that he prefers me bigger and confident than thinner and grumpy.

He did say though that he will tell me if I am to overweight or to underweight for his liking and I respect that. I dont want to let myself go and will appreciate his honesty.

But in the end he just wants a friend to go hiking or scuba with and doesnt worry to much about what I weigh.

Minnesota_Nice

Yes.

What he said. I don't require a man to be ripped... But a workout buddy I'm sure is fun to have

Ramberta

My boyfriend has never once told me I have 'let myself go' or implied that in order to find me more attractive, I should lose weight. If anything, I am the one nagging at him, because due to his depression his motivation to keep up with personal hygiene is pretty poor. And while it does sometimes gross me out that he'll just wear the same clothes for days on end without showering or not brush his teeth very often, to be quite honest it's a small factor overall. (And thankfully he's got minimal B.O. unless it's a really hot day.) I'm open with him about it and he recognizes it's a problem, but it's not like I'd leave him if he didn't magically transform into a well-groomed man overnight. I fell in love with him the way he is, and he fell in love with me the way I am. We are both working to improve, but the notion that you MUST be 100% physically attracted to your mate is a bit silly. My relationship is very intimate and very sexually satisfying because we are 100% COMFORTABLE with each other!

MrsR0SE

It can, but I think you also need to look at the reasons why someone let themselves go. In our case, we had a lot to deal with when our children were younger, and reacted in different ways. Whilst not clinically depressed, I was emotionally and physically exhausted a lot of the time and food became a comfort to me in many ways. This contributed to a loss of self-confidence and lower self-esteem. My husband did find me less physically attractive when I was heavier, BUT our relationship is not solely based on physical attraction - there's family, best friendship, and above a commitment which we made to each other.

So - I guess what I'm saying it that 'letting yourself go' can be a symptom of something else, perhaps even other problems in the relationship, and you need to deal with THAT too, possibly before you are even able to get yourself together again.

Ramberta

If it does, then it was not a healthy relationship. True love has nothing to do with the size of your girth. Yes, some sexual position are difficult, or impossible, if you are obese, but some positions can work no matter your size.

This is a fantasy.

Exactly.

If you want to believe it go ahead. Just realize most men will disagree and you are likely setting yourself up for eventual disappointment.

It's not a 'fantasy' if you actually bond with your mate over more than shallow sexual attraction. Then again, my boyfriend is not "most men" and I consider myself lucky for that fact.

amberlykay1014

In my opinion, if you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else. If you're letting yourself go, you're probably slacking off in relationship areas as well.

I also think that when you're happiest in a relationship, you want to continually better yourself, so if you're slacking, you're probably not too happy with the relationship.

pollyineedtobeskinny

i guess it would depend with all relationships, i believe yes it can ruin a relationship. if it is a good relationship, they will tell you if you're letting yourself go if they love you that much!

pollyineedtobeskinny

i think when you really love someone, you wanna look your best, i do :-)

Bumdrahp

If it does, then it was not a healthy relationship. True love has nothing to do with the size of your girth. Yes, some sexual position are difficult, or impossible, if you are obese, but some positions can work no matter your size.

This is a fantasy.

Exactly.

If you want to believe it go ahead. Just realize most men will disagree and you are likely setting yourself up for eventual disappointment.

This just makes me sad.

Of course it's important to care for yourself.. but if for some reason, I start gaining my weight back.. am i supposed to think that my boyfriend will suddenly find me unnapealing? If that's true.. I feel like he was a P.O.S. to begin with...I am a human being, not just a fat chick.

Luckily, I met my boyfriend when I was 240.. Thankfully I know he will love me no matter what.

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Bumdrahp

If you're in love, it won't matter too much. But, I think there's a point where the "letting themselves go" is symptomatic of something else.

I am an active person and I enjoy physical challenges, whether its running a half marathon, hiking, surfing, or whatever. If my partner decides to let herself go, she's going to likely not be able to keep up, and not enjoy physical pursuits, and we might have issues as a result of her not wanting to be physical.

So, it wouldn't mean anything superficial, necessarily, it's just that I want to go hiking, not sit on the couch eating donuts. So, our interests would start to lead in separate directions. And, it would get difficult for a while. Especially, as I said, if there truly is a love component.

If it kept up with no end in sight, likely the relationship would fall apart because we probably wouldn't be spending much time together.

I can def 100% understand this.

I guess my situation is different, since both my boyfriend and I are somewhat in the same boat anyway. I suppose my opinion doesn't matter much, however I can't see myself letting go of my boyfriend simply because he doesn't want to be active with me..

We are all different :flowerforyou:

MrsPong

I can. My husband has been with me with pregnancy, after baby weight, just gained weight, little skinny self, and again heavy.
He wants me to be happy with me and he will be happy. I think that mostly it can hurt your relationship when you stop loving yourself when you gain weight. When you do that, you can get depressed, crabby, and not want to be touched.

Matt_Wild

Yes it can. Completely. Be realistic, letting go in any part of yourself can ruin a relationship... physically and mentally.

Hirgy03

My thoughts on this, for what they are worth, are these:

(1) If the "letting yourself go" is simply because you don't care about how you look, or your health....then yes, it would negatively affect things, I think. However, this isn't always the case. For instance, if two people are in shape prior to meeting one another, but only in shape because they spend hours in a gym every day and it was mid-summer. Then they meet and start spending a lot of time together, in the house watching movies, winter sets in and they get busy with work and kids, maybe an injury (who knows what could come into play), and before they know it because of their enjoyment of cooking big meals together and entertaining friends, etc.....next thing, they've both added 20-30 lbs (or even maybe just one of them). I don't see this as a "legitimate" (for purposes of this thread) reason for leaving the other or whatever.

However, if one or both meet the other then simply say "to hell with this health and fitness stuff, he/she better love me no matter what, I don't need to take care of myself like that anymore"...well, to me at least, this is a symptom of a much bigger issue and the relationship would likely end anyway, this may just speed it up a bit.

(2) There is also the mental aspect of it which I think is an even bigger issue. If one partner lets themself go, then slumps into a depression, starts refusing to go out and do things, etc and so forth........well then, BIG issue that I think negatively impacts relationships MUCH more than appearance.

cubbies77

I gained 50 pounds after my boyfriend and I started dating. He didn't leave me. I've lost those 50 pounds, and I'm back to where I was when he met me. I plan to get smaller, but it has NOTHING to do with him.

If he gained 50 pounds, I wouldn't care. I love him, and I want to be with him forever.

Matt_Wild

Hirgy03 - excellent post.

Ultimately you need to be attracted to your partner. Whatever that means to YOU is the important part, no one else. You live your life.