All I see is a moster and I dont want that anymore.

MadamUnique

Before I get judgemental replies. Please read.


Hi.

I don't even know how to start this or explain this okay? So if its a bit erm, confusing. I'm sorry. Lets start off with a bit about me, I'm nineteen.. from the UK and classed as obese because I'm 251.8 lbs but I'm 5 foot and 7 inches. I live alone, left home at the age of 16 and went into care... from there into a hostel and now live independently at the age of 19 on a tight budget. Oh and I suffer manic depression. :grumble:

I've always been on the 'chubby' side and I want that to change.



Just feel that my weight's effecting everything, me getting a job, me being happy and me being healthy. I feel obese, ugly and to be honest.. worthless. Since 23 Feb 2011, my weight shot up when my ex asked me to go on the implant (birth control) and I gained around 4 stone. Started to fail around December 2011 and I had to get it removed. Then he dumped me, April 29th 2012 for no reason out the blue. In May I found out I was pregnant, but late June lost the baby and I hold that to me being obese. So went to comforting eating. :frown:

But in October, my saint came and I met my current boyfriend. We've been together for 4 months and hes changed my life completely. Although I've got depression? Whenever he's around me. I'm happy and I honestly want him and I to work out. But the the lack of confidence and feeling ugly creeps in as he's what my mum classes as 'dishy'. To be honest? I didn't even expect him to be mine, he's the same high as me.. but way out of my league. :huh:



(My boyfriend body, then my erm chubby over-load)



(Us together)

See what I mean? So I don't only want to lose weight for myself. I want to lose it so I feel confident and sexy around my boyfriend. But I'm struggling, money's an issue and so is my confidence. Every-time I look in the mirror all I see is a monster. I sometimes feel like I'm going to break down, due to my past creeping up on me. I've had counselling since the age of 16 months.. yes I said 16 months. I stopped going counselling back in January 2012 as I wanted a break from going there basically my whole life.

But I know my boyfriend's supporting me and wants the best for me.

This isn't attention seeking, I guess what I'm trying to say is. Should I just give up?

-Samantha

eggsmilkbread

Why would you EVER even ASK that? Especially on a a weightloss/diet support site. No don't give up. Gah. :explode:

MadamUnique

Why would you EVER even ASK that? Especially on a a weightloss/diet support site. No don't give up. Gah. :explode:

Jeeze, sorry. I'm most likely not the only person who feels like this. I don't want to give up, I just feel like the odd's are against me. :huh:

supermodelchic

Awww babygirl your breaking my heart consider yourself hugged.:flowerforyou: Brave of you to put a voice to your feelings. Your a beautiful girl with your whole wonderful life ahead of you. so that said as me as your friend and I can take a look at your dairy and see what your eating , and what kind of workouts are you doing weights ? cardio?

3foldchord

Never give up!
Never surrender!

Are there any free ways to exercise there? Free gyms? Do you have a bike? Bike to the store, to the library, to the post office. Drink lots and lots of water.
Take vitamins.

Move the furniture in your house .. Totally,rearrange it all. Once a week. There's a free workout for you.

:laugh:

Use toddler plates to help with portion control.

Read books that make you happy.

And music. And dance around the house.

(Being happy is really important to overall fitness, I think)

MadamUnique

Awww babygirl your breaking my heart consider yourself hugged.:flowerforyou: Brave of you to put a voice to your feelings. Your a beautiful girl with your whole wonderful life ahead of you. so that said as me as your friend and I can take a look at your dairy and see what your eating , and what kind of workouts are you doing weights ? cardio?

I've seriously been munching, due to my depression and light exercise. I can afford GYM, I have that 30DayShred DVD. But no Yoga Mat or dumbell's. So don't know how I can do it? I have £15 to spent on food for two weeks. Thats the hardest. Been trying to get a job since August 2012 and cant. I think it's due to my weight

Thank's though, I think my Diary's Public :S ♥

eggsmilkbread

Why would you EVER even ASK that? Especially on a a weightloss/diet support site. No don't give up. Gah. :explode:

Jeeze, sorry. I'm most likely not the only person who feels like this. I don't want to give up, I just feel like the odd's are against me. :huh:

They're only against you when you let them be.

MadamUnique

Never give up!
Never surrender!

Are there any free ways to exercise there? Free gyms? Do you have a bike? Bike to the store, to the library, to the post office. Drink lots and lots of water.
Take vitamins.

Move the furniture in your house .. Totally,rearrange it all. Once a week. There's a free workout for you.

:laugh:

Use toddler plates to help with portion control.

Read books that make you happy.

And music. And dance around the house.

(Being happy is really important to overall fitness, I think)

I agree with that, but I can't get happy unless I'm around my boyfriend? My doctor keeps attempting to put me on anti-depressants. But my mother's on it, so I keep declining as shes dependent on them.

Haha, I do the moving the furniture one. I don't exactly have alot. This is my first apartment and its just basic. Don't have a bike and no free gym's sadly.

cmriverside

Change your thoughts, change your life

The guy likes you. Not everything in your life is caused by how much you weigh. Actually, not much at all.

Relax. Enjoy your life. Think positive. Get back into therapy. It will help.

MadamUnique

Why would you EVER even ASK that? Especially on a a weightloss/diet support site. No don't give up. Gah. :explode:

Jeeze, sorry. I'm most likely not the only person who feels like this. I don't want to give up, I just feel like the odd's are against me. :huh:

They're only against you when you let them be.

What do you expect me to say when I feel like it's me VS the world? Honestly.. I feel like I can't win and lose 135 lbs

MadamUnique

Change your thoughts, change your life

The guy likes you. Not everything in your life is caused by how much you weigh. Actually, not much at all.

Relax. Enjoy your life. Think positive. Get back into therapy. It will help.

Right, I understand he likes me. Just I don't feel confident or even secure enough for him to see my 'obese' body. Trust me, most of my life is. I'm from east london and get judged alot by it.

Not going back to Therapy, been there basically all my life? See it from my view. I need a break.

henkemonica

Hi, I live in the USA. Am the same hight as you and started MFP on Jan 8th. I weighed 249 when I started. Now am down 15 pounds and lost 6 1/2 . Also I am 55 years old!!! You have youth on your side and a supportive friend. Please don't give up. You are a very pretty young woman. You CAN lose the weight. First figure out how many calories you need to be eating every day. I need to eat 1832. Then start walking 30 minutes a day. Keep researching the Internet for low cost healthy foods.

MadamUnique

Hi, I live in the USA. Am the same hight as you and started MFP on Jan 8th. I weighed 249 when I started. Now am down 15 pounds and lost 6 1/2 . Also I am 55 years old!!! You have youth on your side and a supportive friend. Please don't give up. You are a very pretty young woman. You CAN lose the weight. First figure out how many calories you need to be eating every day. I need to eat 1832. Then start walking 30 minutes a day. Keep researching the Internet for low cost healthy foods.

Congratulation's on the weight lost! Also, I guess.. I am trying kind of. Just find it hard, as I live alone and the depression side of things creep up on me daily. I might start walking though, free exercise xD

jennbarrette

I know it is hard to live with depression, but try to remember that depression is horrible horrible liar. Those voices in your head that tell you that you are not beautiful and sexy are just the depression talking.

Walk lots if you can't go to the gym and don't have weights. Walk around to different businesses to find a job, any job that will get you out of the house where you can munch on food, and so that you can earn some money for a set of weights and mat.

Work on loving yourself as is, right now flaws and all. Work what you have and continue to work toward what you want.

Good luck!

kwilliams386

I think it is great that you have such a supportive boyfriend. It is hard to lose weight and we need all of the support we can get. Confidence doesn't always come with losing weight either. I ammore confident and sexy at 150 then I ever was at 120. Confidence is learning to love yourself, inside and out. He sees your amazing, you should too. I was diagnosied with manic depression as well. I kicked the drugs because they did nothing but hurt me.

Budget wise - protien keeps you fuller longer, at least it does me.

Go running - not just to burn calories - not because your fat. Do it because it clears your head and makes you so tired you can't even think about how ugly you think you look. The endorphine high is fantastic, you sleep way better, and its free.

add me as your friend!

MadamUnique

I know it is hard to live with depression, but try to remember that depression is horrible horrible liar. Those voices in your head that tell you that you are not beautiful and sexy are just the depression talking.

Walk lots if you can't go to the gym and don't have weights. Walk around to different businesses to find a job, any job that will get you out of the house where you can munch on food, and so that you can earn some money for a set of weights and mat.

Work on loving yourself as is, right now flaws and all. Work what you have and continue to work toward what you want.

Good luck!

I guess I need to change my mind set really? To become happy..

fitfreakymom

first off you are NOT A MONSTER so stop with the negative talk because all that will do is cause you to hate yourself, you say your budget is tight but you can still eat healthy on a tight budget it just means that some other things may need to be reduced in you budget. As for exersize it costs nothing to walk a few miles a day and I don't mean casual walking i mean heart pounding walking as fast as you can. Can you list what you eat in a day and what type of workout you do?

runningfataway

You just said you can't get a job due to your weight? Sorry but that's ridiculous. In order to get a job you must apply, and then do a follow up phone call to ask about the status of your application within a week or two. That's how I got most of my jobs. They don't judge you solely based on your looks but also your character and experience.

If your boyfriend is dating you, than he's attracted to you. Don't point out your flaws to yourself, nor to him. Have some confidence. Perfection doesn't exist in this world. Learn to love and accept yourself.

The only way I know how to address your low confidence is to ask you " What Are You Doing To Improve Yourself ?"

You're here working on the nutrition part which is the first step, the second step is exercise. I don't have a gym membership or any equipment but I make sure to get in my half an hour run every night. Even if I have to walk a lot more than run, I go out and do something. These aren't outrageous solutions that are out of reach.

What ever you do don't sulk and take no action to better yourself. Make the most of your potential! You seem like a very smart, and independent young lady. Make a decision, emphasize the positive, and redefine perfect because you are good enough!

MadamUnique

first off you are NOT A MONSTER so stop with the negative talk because all that will do is cause you to hate yourself, you say your budget is tight but you can still eat healthy on a tight budget it just means that some other things may need to be reduced in you budget. As for exersize it costs nothing to walk a few miles a day and I don't mean casual walking i mean heart pounding walking as fast as you can. Can you list what you eat in a day and what type of workout you do?

I'm pretty sure my diary's open and its full of rubbish in all honesty as I'm currently using the food I have. Although I had a take-away today as I was around my family's. Don't really do workout's either, also been really ill recently so yeah.. :S

kwilliams386

Use toddler plates to help with portion control.

And music. And dance around the house.

(Being happy is really important to overall fitness, I think)




I love all of this! I use my nephews plates, and it helps a lot! It is hard to lose weigh when you don't feel good, so doing anything that makes you happy is good.

shenhannigans

Don't give up. Celebrate all the victories, and don't sweat it when it doesn't go your way. Remember that change is slow going but it's happening. Remember that you are worth it.

Crochetluvr

......but I can't get happy unless I'm around my boyfriend?

That's a major problem. You need to make YOURSELF happy or you never WILL be happy, And you cant count on losing weight to do that for you.

I am not trying to sound negative, but I have BEEN there. You cant depend on anyone to make you happy. Losing weight may help with self esteem and will probably make you feel sexier. But there are a lot of thin, sexy people in this world that aren't happy.

Don't give up. DO keep trying. But work on making YOU happy. You don't want to be dependent on your b/f for your state of well being for the rest of your life.....it will only make him feel you are TOO needy. You loving yourself will make your relationship even better. I promise.

MadamUnique

You just said you can't get a job due to your weight? Sorry but that's ridiculous. In order to get a job you must apply, and then do a follow up phone call to ask about the status of your application within a week or two. That's how I got most of my jobs. They don't judge you solely based on your looks but also your character and experience.

If your boyfriend is dating you, than he's attracted to you. Don't point out your flaws to yourself, nor to him. Have some confidence. Perfection doesn't exist in this world. Learn to love and accept yourself.

The only way I know how to address your low confidence is to ask you " What Are You Doing To Improve Yourself ?"

You're here working on the nutrition part which is the first step, the second step is exercise. I don't have a gym membership or any equipment but I make sure to get in my half an hour run every night. Even if I have to walk a lot more than run, I go out and do something. These aren't outrageous solutions that are out of reach.

What ever you do don't sulk and take no action to better yourself. Make the most of your potential! You seem like a very smart, and independent young lady. Make a decision, emphasize the positive, and redefine perfect because you are good enough!

Erm, I know how to get a job? I apply for over 30 a day and I've had interviews.. but soon as I attend them. I get stared at.

Also, I don't point out my flaws to him. Don't even question it, as I feel lucky to have him.

I'm trying to lose weight thats how I'm trying to improve myself.

Cool, I tried running before.. but failed as I tripped and twisted my ankle.. three times on different attempts. So kind of stopped it. Plus its been snowing.

I'm not sulking? If I was sulking.. I'd be munching a big bag of chips right now. But I'm not.. thanks though.

MadamUnique

Don't give up. Celebrate all the victories, and don't sweat it when it doesn't go your way. Remember that change is slow going but it's happening. Remember that you are worth it.

Thank you.

knittnponder

You know what? Crappy things happen to a lot of people and our self perception gets skewed. You've been telling yourself that you're a monster and you believe it. You have to learn to rearrange your thinking to change your self perception. I know from personal experience that if you keep telling yourself how ugly you are you will NOT be happy when you lose weight. There will always be something that makes you less valuable than other people in your mind. Trust that your boyfriend sees something he likes in you.

From now on you're not allowed to talk bad to or about yourself. You're not allowed to say you're ugly, stupid, a monster or any of the other lies you've told yourself. You will make positive changes for your health and well being but not to make yourself "skinny and/or pretty" to the rest of the world.

Please obey this random person on the internet. Seriously, you are a very pretty girl and if you want to escape the monsters from your past you have got to quit dragging them along with you. This I also know from personal experience. Hang in there kiddo.

MadamUnique

......but I can't get happy unless I'm around my boyfriend?

That's a major problem. You need to make YOURSELF happy or you never WILL be happy, And losing weight wont do that for you.

I am not trying to sound negative, but I have BEEN there. You cant depend on anyone to make you happy. Losing weight may help with self esteem and will probably make you feel sexier. But there are a lot of thin, sexy people in this world that aren't happy.

Don't give up. DO keep trying. But work on making YOU happy. You don't want to be dependent on your b/f for your state of well being for the rest of your life.....it will only make him feel you are TOO needy. You loving yourself will make your relationship even better. I promise.

You're speaking the truth not coming across mean. I'm also wanting to lose weight due to my health. I don't want to become seriously unwell.

I'm going to try and start loving myself. Thanks for the advice though ♥

jennbarrette

Oh, and wanted to add that I have dealt with those negative voices that tell me I am not good enough for years, but I have been working on shutting them off that last few months. I just don't let myself finish the sentence. When I look in the mirror and think "I am so fat! I made myself shoot that thought down and say something positive about myself. I seems silly and it felt so strange doing it, but after a while it became easy and stopping the negativity slowly built up my self esteem...and that is when exercise, eating better, and weight-loss became easier for me.

Can't expect positive change from a negative outlook

fitfreakymom

first off you are NOT A MONSTER so stop with the negative talk because all that will do is cause you to hate yourself, you say your budget is tight but you can still eat healthy on a tight budget it just means that some other things may need to be reduced in you budget. As for exersize it costs nothing to walk a few miles a day and I don't mean casual walking i mean heart pounding walking as fast as you can. Can you list what you eat in a day and what type of workout you do?

I'm pretty sure my diary's open and its full of rubbish in all honesty as I'm currently using the food I have. Although I had a take-away today as I was around my family's. Don't really do workout's either, also been really ill recently so yeah.. :S

LOL well your breakfast was good, try recording your meals the day before and then stick to it the best you can. I just sent you a request and i will see if my diary is open so you can get a rough idea.

Lonewolf1507

Hi Sammie

First things first, you are unique we all are.

Also you seem to have a good guy beside you and the shape he is in I hope he can give you the support you require to get to your targets.

Your comment about "Honestly.. I feel like I can't win and lose 135 lbs" yes you can do this if you really want to do it. I was asked at the gym yesterday which is a year and 3 days since I started back there, could I have imagined a year ago where I am now, the simple answer to that is no way would I have thought I would be this far.

Just start slowly, make small changes, as your situation changes you can add other things into your life.

Good luck with your plans and if you would like an extra friend feel free to add me.

Andy

yourenotmine

So... Somehow I don't think your question is really, "should I give up". Are you really asking how to start? Where to go now?

You don't need a gym to work out. Go for walks, if you live in a safe area. You've said you have the 30 Day Shred DVD, so start that. You don't have to have a mat, for sure, and you can use other things in place of dumbbells while you're just starting out (cans of food, water bottles, etc). You can also check Freecycle for used weights. Google online workouts to do at home. Just do jumping jacks/pushups/squats, etc, in front of the TV.

For those of us with depression, often the hardest thing, and the most worthwhile thing, is just starting. Just doing SOMETHING that makes you feel like you're moving in the right direction. Unfortunately, while we here can give you ideas and support, no one can motivate you but you. Just like no one can do the work but you.

Looking toward losing 100lbs is daunting. So today, just get up, and get started. Then, keep doing that, everyday. There are plenty of people who have accomplished this. They don't have secrets or miracle pills. Just hard, hard work. And I'm sure you know how to work hard.

PS in case your question is really, "am I worth it?"... the answer is YES. Unequivocally, yes.

Melo1966

You ARE Beautiful. I do not see anyone over 200 in your pics. Stay strong you can do this.