ladies, a personal question. laides only.

13

Replies

  • Linli_Anne
    Linli_Anne Posts: 1,360 Member
    A good friend of mine had a marriage counsellor once tell her the following:

    Men often think of having sex to get even closer to their partner.

    Women think of having sex after they already feel closer.

    What is your relationship like outside of the bedroom? Do you talk? Do you do things equally around the house? Do you take time to be a couple - go out on a date?

    With 2 young kids, and both of us working, I find that the sexual part of my relationship is often the last part I think of because I am so much trying to balance everything else....I haven't had much of a libido since our son was born, some weeks it runs higher, some weeks it is non-existent, and my cycle plays a big part in that for sure.
  • Maidofmer
    Maidofmer Posts: 908 Member
    i'm a stay at home mom, and a wannabe cake decorator. he delivers appliances for about 10-12 hours and on his off days, he has a painting and home theater install business. he's usually really tired when he gets home, understandably so, so I make him dinner and that's that. I ask how work was, and if something interesting happened he tells me. not much to report here. trying to potty train our daughter. bout it. we go out to movies, but what's a movie? you sit in the dark for 2 hours then go home. and honestly, with my weight, I don't feel like going out. we don't go to bars cause we don't drink. don't go play pool or bowling, things I used to love cause he's in the early stages of RA (rheumatoid arthritis)
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    i'm a stay at home mom, and a wannabe cake decorator. he delivers appliances for about 10-12 hours and on his off days, he has a painting and home theater install business. he's usually really tired when he gets home, understandably so, so I make him dinner and that's that. I ask how work was, and if something interesting happened he tells me. not much to report here. trying to potty train our daughter. bout it. we go out to movies, but what's a movie? you sit in the dark for 2 hours then go home. and honestly, with my weight, I don't feel like going out. we don't go to bars cause we don't drink. don't go play pool or bowling, things I used to love cause he's in the early stages of RA (rheumatoid arthritis)

    I'm not married so take what I say with a grain of salt. :) It sounds like you are lacking feelings of intimacy which is leading to being uncomfortable with sex, which is a very intimate act. You can't suddenly let yourself become naked and vulnerable after a day of relative coolness toward one another.

    IMO intimacy can be built in a lot of ways. It's not the activity itself, but the way you do that activity. Going to a movie to sit in the dark can be intimate...if you hold hands and canoodle. Or if you want a place to talk and get out of the house, go to a coffee shop and sip some tea (no calories!) and speak softly to one another. Add intimacy to your greetings and goodbyes. Give each other long hugs and more than one kiss. Always say you love each other during these coming and going rituals. Sitting on the couch in silence? Sit close to each other.

    Loving each other is a bit like kneading clay. Clay gets hard and dried out if you don't knead it. You have to work it so it'll stay soft. A soft heart is a loving one with room for intimacy.
  • tasha2155
    tasha2155 Posts: 12 Member
    I definitely have noticed a change. Since I have been working out, I'm horny more often, to the point I have had to get rid of some excess "energy" these past few days.
  • fara180
    fara180 Posts: 1,260 Member
    i think you libido can change drastically depending on your hormone balance as well as your mood. i know that in general, i have a high sex drive- but there are days (few, very few) when the thought of sex is sickening and makes me want to throw up or go take a shower. maybe you should consult a doctor about this? also, you should want to be intimate with your partner...if you aren't feeling it and think of sex as a chore- maybe you need to rethink who/what the partner is doing.
  • ChloeRoseLejeune
    ChloeRoseLejeune Posts: 488
    i think you libido can change drastically depending on your hormone balance as well as your mood. i know that in general, i have a high sex drive- but there are days (few, very few) when the thought of sex is sickening and makes me want to throw up or go take a shower. maybe you should consult a doctor about this? also, you should want to be intimate with your partner...if you aren't feeling it and think of sex as a chore- maybe you need to rethink who/what the partner is doing.

    And on those days, I usually join her in the shower.
  • SakuraRose13
    SakuraRose13 Posts: 621 Member
    After my 1st pregnancy in Aug 2010 my sex drive left the building for 6 months I was on depo then I think may have had something to do with it after my 2nd in March 2012 it came back fairly quick but I had my tubes tied so that may have helped.Now after losing 17.5 lbs even more so but we never seem to have time with 2 little girls running around and one who hasn't sttn since day one and will be a year old March 9th.So lack of sleep so on makes it difficult.The want is their but my want for sleep is more .
  • Weebs628
    Weebs628 Posts: 574 Member
    Nope. I still have a nonexistent libido...
  • hearthemelody
    hearthemelody Posts: 1,025 Member
    Are you on any medications?

    Some anti-depressants have the side effect of a lower libido. I have suffered from that.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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  • fara180
    fara180 Posts: 1,260 Member
    i think you libido can change drastically depending on your hormone balance as well as your mood. i know that in general, i have a high sex drive- but there are days (few, very few) when the thought of sex is sickening and makes me want to throw up or go take a shower. maybe you should consult a doctor about this? also, you should want to be intimate with your partner...if you aren't feeling it and think of sex as a chore- maybe you need to rethink who/what the partner is doing.

    And on those days, I usually join her in the shower.

    :blushing: we were supposed to be a secret!
  • taso42
    taso42 Posts: 8,980 Member
    if you're a guy reading, then you're just creepy. it says ladies only.

    i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
    i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?

    You don't belong here.
  • PetulantOne
    PetulantOne Posts: 2,131 Member

    I have never really been too into sex to begin with. the idea just sickens me. it just weirds me out, but I did have a sex drive once, even if it was small and well hid.


    This makes me think that the issue goes deeper than weight/body image insecurities. I think you should see someone.

    I was thinking the same thing.
  • mikonei
    mikonei Posts: 291 Member
    Mine changed when I started working out. It was already pretty high and managed to go up. When I fell off the wagon it dropped to near nothing. Now that I started working out again, it's on the rise.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?

    You don't belong here.

    I don't care if it hurts
  • sylvuz323
    sylvuz323 Posts: 468 Member
    I'm horny all the time...

    24/7 365...

    i just am. I have always had a higher sex drive than any of my partners and i have never been in a state where I didn't want to be touched.

    so i can't say that I relate.

    as I have lost the weight, while my libido hasn't increased (because I don't think you can increase that roof) my stamina and ability to be more adventurous and fun has definitely changed.

    If you are having issues with enjoying sex, being touched, etc, you may want to look into therapy or see your doctor.

    It can affect your marriage. I'm not judging, I'm just saying from a practical standpoint. Most humans crave physical touch. Not all, but most.

    but in terms of libido? no, it hasn't gotten worse. It's still sky high.

    everything else has gotten BETTER.

    This is me too, my libido increases as my menstrual cycle approaches but my weight loss or gains haven't been an issue for me.
  • wolfelements
    wolfelements Posts: 117 Member
    I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, so my lady workings don't really do much at the best of times.
    Sometimes I get the urge, but mostly, I'd rather just go to bed.

    I have PCOS too, and it keeps my libido pretty low. But I notice when I lost a lot of weight a couple years I was one randy girl, having one night stands all over the place. Then I met my husband and, well, getting married curbed my libido and now it's an occasional jump in wanting sex.
  • HannahsBestLife
    HannahsBestLife Posts: 209 Member
    I have been in your exact same situation, for me it was a mixture of postnatal depression and the fact that my (Now-EX) boyfriend was an asshat ..

    I had a new baby and he really wasn't helping at all, he would go out and not come home for 3 days then come home drunk and wasted and just sleep for another 2 days and complain if baby cried and woke him. (don't worry, I said EX Bf) He would act like I 'owed' him sex, sounds weird I know but that's how it felt.
    The thought of him touching me would make me sick, blurgh.. hate him lol. I was over weight then too but it had nothing to do with the way I was feeling, I would occasionaly tell myself that was the reason so I wouldn't have to deal with the true underlying issues but either way, the weight wasn't actually the problem..

    Now I know I have said a few times that it's my 'EX' that I had this prob, but i'm not telling you to leave your partner or anything like that, i'm just trying to say that I understand what your going through and you should look at other aspects of your life and not just your weight to find out what's really wrong, also I recommend finding someone to talk to, not neccessarily and professional or anything but a close friend family member?

    all the best and I hope everything works out for you ,feel free to add me :)
  • lizibame
    lizibame Posts: 59 Member
    Pregnancy MOST DEFINITELY changes your libido, both your body image and your hormones are affected, plus of course the lack of sleep and extra chores/responsibilities you are faced with throughout the day. However, trust your husband when he says he doesn't see your flaws, doesn't care about the extra pounds, etc. Most men (even my ex husband) looked at me as his superwoman because I just gave him the most miraculous gift ever. Trust me, when the lights go down that extra pooch is the last thing he's thinking about. It will come back some with weight loss because your own self image will increase, but instead of waiting that long, talk it up in your head, tell yourself why YOU want to have sex, why YOU feel good when you feel loved, why YOU want to spend time with your amazing husband, once you get yourself all worked up I'm sure he won't be pumping the brakes!
  • stevenyuzk
    stevenyuzk Posts: 88 Member
    this is a very interesting thread.
  • sPaRkLiNgLYFE
    sPaRkLiNgLYFE Posts: 609
    maybe you're having some type of hormonal imbalance, i would see a doctor.
  • MikeAlphaBaker
    MikeAlphaBaker Posts: 3
    i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?

    You don't belong here.

    I don't care if it hurts

    You want to have control
  • Maidofmer
    Maidofmer Posts: 908 Member
    thanks for the insight ladies. I'm not on any meds, and I don't intend to be. I don't have an obgyn or anything like that. no insurance. nothing. I don't have any family, and his, I tried talking to his mom, and all she could say is you know, mothers don't like hearing bad things about their sons. and his step mom keeps saying we'll (me and her) will just get a double divorce. so, that's a no go. my friends love me, but they're looking for any reason to hate my husband, mainly cause we eloped and I moved 500 miles away. my best friend knows that I have never liked sex. just never clicked as something that I wanted to be part of. even as a kid I hated being touched. tag, duck duck goose, no, nothing horrific happened to me, was just always the one that wanted to be around people, just not too close.

    with the intimacy, we hold hands, cuddle on the couch, hug, and kiss. not full on make out cause that leads to sex which is my issue. but that's about my comfort zone. we've tried toys, lingerie which I love, I think they're beautiful, just not with this body. yet at least. dvds toys oils incense. all great for him but all I think of is ok, so he's thinking about the chick in the movie, this oil is not coming out of these sheets,, incense gives me a head ache, and why is does this always happen when I just clean the sheets.

    some times, my drive will make it's appearance, but it's rare. and the pooch may be the last thing on his mind, but its the first on mine.

    when I was 230 and lost weight to 204 and 40 inches, I know my confidence soared, but libido I guess was the same. didn't look for guys, flirted with a guy at work, but it was banter, had no intentions just talk no touch. then I met and married my husband.
    maybe it is my confidence that is the key to this. he met me at my lowest weight when I had the most confidence.
  • Crankstr
    Crankstr Posts: 3,958 Member
    I hope things get better for you.

    Since I have lost weight I must admit that I have a difficult time NOT thinking about sex... all day.
  • charismanoodles
    charismanoodles Posts: 343 Member
    The more I lose weight, the more sexytimes I want, lmaoo. I feel more confident to start, if you know what I mean :blushing:
  • Cait_Sidhe
    Cait_Sidhe Posts: 3,150 Member
    Yes, but only because I am much more confident now.
  • JamieG8991
    JamieG8991 Posts: 1,203 Member
    Yes!!! Definitely increased sex drive!!!! Hubby's a happy man!!! :wink:
  • vegan_mama34
    vegan_mama34 Posts: 11
    From my experience, after losing 12 lbs I can say it has improved for me. I'd have to say my libido wasn't so great after having a child a little over a year ago and not doing much about my weight or being fit.. I didn't feel good about myself or how I felt or looked in clothes that kept getting bigger in size over time : ( But, now that I've taken control and started caring about what I put in my mouth and how physical I am on my day to day, I feel way more confident and my self esteem has been way better, therefor making everything else way better ; )
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
    When I was pregnant, my libido went nutzo. That is, up and down from day to day. After my pregnancies, it seemed more normal, but at that time, my problem wasn't lack of libido, but a lack of energy to do anything about it, leading to stress. I don't think it has increased since losing so much weight, but I do have TONS more energy now. Also, sex is a lot easier and more fun again. All my extra fat I was carrying was really getting in the way so my husband and me were limited on sexual positions, which made it less fun.

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