Please some help- Extremely abusive mother

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  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
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    It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
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    It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.

    THIS. Any woman can gestate and push out a baby. But not every woman can be a mother. This woman is no mother.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    I had parents like that also, found a good website, daughters of narcisstic mothers. You cant change them, like everyone said you have to get away and distance yourself.
  • vzryder
    vzryder Posts: 129 Member
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    Sadly, I too have ''been there done that''

    Grew up in a home of extreme emotional, physical and mental abuse by my mother, sexual abuse bt father.

    It does impact you even as an adult!
    Every child has the right to be loved, cherished, wanted.
    You do nit need to be alone, feel free to friend me if you wish, and anything will remain confidential, assured.
    IF at all possible, do seek counselling.
    If at all possible move out?
    My husband told me few years ago, that if I didn't ''let it go'' it would destroy me, it would destroy us. He was so right .I still have nightmares and I am long long gone and she is dead.
    You are not alone and you are worthy and beautiful on the inside as well as the outside.
    You have taken a very brave step, speaking out that is the hardest part, good luck
    (((HUGS)))
  • trying2findmyway
    trying2findmyway Posts: 31
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    It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.

    THIS. Any woman can gestate and push out a baby. But not every woman can be a mother. This woman is no mother.


    that hit hard. People always assume we are so close because we are usually together... unfortunately I do not think our "togetherness" is ever by choice.
    I find it hard just to get up and leave... we have our good days but the bad days make me forget everything. I want her in my life... but I think I only want her in my life because I literally have no one else...
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
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    Get counseling and move out.

    ^^^^

    This. You pay the bills so you can afford to. She is not your problem any more. And YES it happens to a lot of people. I have not spoken to my "mother" since 1987. I decided to make myself happy.

    Family is not defined by blood to me. Family is anyone i care about and who cares about me. Period.

    If your mother has not changed in all these years expecting the next 20 years to be different is just - well - delusional

    People like that do not change. Well if you start packing she may either cry and promise to do better (tell her prove it first and still move out) or get angry at you and yell. Ok easy choice. Keep packing.

    You are not not not not (did i say that enough) responsible to support her.

    Counseling. Then you will be able to break free
  • Loulousq
    Loulousq Posts: 38 Member
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    I can understand how the op and the others here feel as I grew up in a similar situation.

    I am 24 and have been out of my mothers house for 3 years. My mother is very narcissistic and put myself and my 3 sisters down constantly while we were growing up. I think I had taken the emotional abuse the worst bc I am very different from my sisters. They are all living with her still (ages 25, 24, 17) and can accept her personality out of fear, I assume. I was there for her paying bills and rent while the others had temporarily left at different times. She became so controlling that I was happy to move out although very scared of the unknown and afraid of her still at that time. I had my own car, I was able to rent a room over an hour away from her and get a job to support myself. I decided to get counseling bc I had so much anger and hate built up inside towards my mothers mental abuse that i needed help dealing with it. I had always wanted to get counseling during my teenage years when the abuse seemed the worse. What kind of parent wants their own children to fail and not have a better life than they did? The counseling and miles between my family has helped a lot and I am glad that I escaped them! I don't communicate with any other family members either as they are in the same area as my immediate family.

    I hope the op can get some help. Don't be afraid to be yourself and don't let anyone bring you down! You are beautiful and deserve respect. You can be independent and free of any horrible family. Yes, it sucks not having family but I would rather be without family and with new friends than be misersble, unhappy and have low self esteem.
  • 3nchantress
    3nchantress Posts: 41
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    Your mother and mine seem to have a lot of similarity. It's time to tell her that either she is leaving or you are leaving, pick a date, and stick to it. I went through this same situation several times over the past decade and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. She is not allowed to be anywhere near myself or my children and we are all better for it. Love yourself enough to realize that you are better than that and that you CAN make a change and that you DON'T need her around.
  • suey07
    suey07 Posts: 48 Member
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    I'm sorry about how your mother treats you :( If you are able to, definitely move out and not help her financially what so ever. I know it may sound mean and she is family, but you deserve soooo much better than how she treated you and how she still treats you. Be the bigger person and just let her be who she is, but on her OWN.
  • Queen_JessieA
    Queen_JessieA Posts: 1,059 Member
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    I understand how hard it can be to move out in that kind of situation. It's a lot easier said than done.

    I agree with this. It is easy to say move out. But not so easily done. It sounds like your mother has a mental illness. I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Will say a prayer for you and pray that you are able to move out soon and that she will get the help that she needs.
  • Bownzi
    Bownzi Posts: 423 Member
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    Wow... I was thinking my mother since my father passed was bad .... The negative influences make it hard.... And mine still pats me on the stomach and says. Well you need to work on that.... Like I didn't already know.... Sabotage is her most used weapon... Soooooo I call her before she calls me... And control a lot of the conversation... It's hard I know but keep positive....realization is the first step... You will succeed ...
  • WinnerVictorious
    WinnerVictorious Posts: 4,735 Member
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    Leave. And stay gone.

    ^ this.

    remember it's not about you, it's about her. shes the one with the anger and unhappiness and she's just projecting it onto you.

    don't expect her to ever change. if she could have, she would have by now. get out and cut all ties. maybe 10 or 15 years from now you can check back and see if she's changed, but for now you need to get out and start living your own life free from that. don't let the verbal abuse and insults affect how you view yourself. you only get one life and it goes by much faster than any of us want it to, so don't waste any more time. create a plan of action on how you can get out and move on, and then execute the plan.
  • SwimFan1981
    SwimFan1981 Posts: 1,430 Member
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    You're 25, move out. Start a new life, **** her, she sounds horrendous!

    Good luck with whatever you do, karma will sort the rest out.
  • elsiesnow
    elsiesnow Posts: 33 Member
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    Sounds like you really need some friends and connections to lean on. I'm sending you a friend request right after I finish this. My mother is also an extremely toxic, verbally abusive person. Right now, I see her about once a year - I would see her less often, but my sister usually wants me to go with her for a visit, and I feel like I can't let her be there alone.

    Just because she gave birth to you, and raised you, does not make her a mother. Being a mother means providing love, caring support, and fiercely protecting the mental, physical, and social well-being of your children. The woman you live with is doing everything she can to undermine you. I am glad that despite all this, you have grown into a thoughtful, wonderful person, who deserves to find happiness and security in life. You deserve to have a safe haven at home where you live, and in your relationships with other people.

    You sound lonely. Try building a support network here on MFP, but I'd also recommend joining some clubs or volunteering in order to meet people where you live. Think of something that sounds interesting, and you'll meet people you'll like. Try the library, the hospital, local bookstores for a book club, local knitting stores for classes/clubs (you can tell I like books and crafts). Just meeting some more people, and building good relationships/friendships with them, will help give you strength and confidence.

    I agree with a previous poster that you are experiencing abuse, and might be able to benefit from help from a local agency. Please call a local women's shelter/abuse group - just to talk - and find out if they can give you further references or resources to follow up with. Even just having someone to talk to can help. My mother goes thru all my stuff, so if your does that too, please make sure you keep any paperwork someplace secure until the day comes when you are ready to leave. I'm here for you during your journey, however long that takes for you. I know it can take a long time. [HUG]
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
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    I will just say I have no idea how you can get better if you are still living with your abuser.

    Get out.

    Then heal.

    You deserve this.
  • Just2Bhappy
    Just2Bhappy Posts: 113 Member
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    What a terrible person, she must have some serious issues of her own to be lashing at you like this. I'm so sorry. You need to get out of that situation. You deserve so much better than that.
  • ranganayakee
    ranganayakee Posts: 67 Member
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    I'd say that both of you need the space to figure out where the relationship is.Move away for a while and give yourself and her the time and see where things stand.
  • ranganayakee
    ranganayakee Posts: 67 Member
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    Sounds like you really need some friends and connections to lean on. I'm sending you a friend request right after I finish this. My mother is also an extremely toxic, verbally abusive person. Right now, I see her about once a year - I would see her less often, but my sister usually wants me to go with her for a visit, and I feel like I can't let her be there alone.

    Just because she gave birth to you, and raised you, does not make her a mother. Being a mother means providing love, caring support, and fiercely protecting the mental, physical, and social well-being of your children. The woman you live with is doing everything she can to undermine you. I am glad that despite all this, you have grown into a thoughtful, wonderful person, who deserves to find happiness and security in life. You deserve to have a safe haven at home where you live, and in your relationships with other people.

    You sound lonely. Try building a support network here on MFP, but I'd also recommend joining some clubs or volunteering in order to meet people where you live. Think of something that sounds interesting, and you'll meet people you'll like. Try the library, the hospital, local bookstores for a book club, local knitting stores for classes/clubs (you can tell I like books and crafts). Just meeting some more people, and building good relationships/friendships with them, will help give you strength and confidence.

    I agree with a previous poster that you are experiencing abuse, and might be able to benefit from help from a local agency. Please call a local women's shelter/abuse group - just to talk - and find out if they can give you further references or resources to follow up with. Even just having someone to talk to can help. My mother goes thru all my stuff, so if your does that too, please make sure you keep any paperwork someplace secure until the day comes when you are ready to leave. I'm here for you during your journey, however long that takes for you. I know it can take a long time. [HUG]
    I am sorry to hear what you'd been through but you are inspiring.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    i grew up with similar type emotional abuse.

    my advice is to leave the situation as quickly as you can so that you can begin YOUR healing process. if eventually that brings you to a place where you can have a semi-relationship with your mom, that's fine but for now you need to leave so that you can start building yourself up.

    is it possible to move out and in with roommates? other family members? or at least not be home as much?

    good luck:flowerforyou:
  • KelliH729
    KelliH729 Posts: 208 Member
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    Get counseling and move out.

    ^^ this. You said you pay 95% of the bills, so you KNOW you can manage on your own. You CAN do this, you do not deserve to be treated that way. Make sure you get somewhere that she does not know about, basically do not tell her where you are going or living. You do also need to begin counseling and see yourself the way you deserve to be seen, not the way your mother sees you. Your mother needs help but until she chooses to get it, you need to get away before the cycle repeats itself and you end up with a man like her, or worse you treat your kids that way.

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