Spousal Cheaters?
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You found her underwear? (I never understand how someone can forget their underwear.) In YOUR bedroom? They were having sex in your room!? How could he "forget" you? I would really doubt him.He was drunk, she was drunk, now he has cut her from his life, as have I. He called her on the phone while I was there and said that he wanted nothing more than to work it out with me, but that he would not be able to associate with her anymore. Then he hung up, blocked her on Facebook, and deleted her number.
I don't know though....
How did you find out about this? Did he just admit it out of guilt?
I found her underwear in my bedroom.0 -
You can forgive him, but I wouldn't recommend marrying him.
This. I would add 5+ years to his sentence before marrying him, if at all.
Personally, I never have forgiven a cheater and I don't live in 'bitterness'...I'm actually quite happy I cleansed myself of such garbage. If a future bridesmaid/friend tempted him to stray, just think of the women out there at the grocery store, mall, club, bar, etc. that will entice him to stray again....I wouldn't trust him anymore than I could throw him after that...so I'd move on and find someone else without a second thought. Trust is everything in a relationship.0 -
I raelly don;t think this is the place for something like this.
Why did you bother commenting on this?
Right? If you don't like the thread, then move on. This is the "Chit chat, etc." section, not the "hardcore talk about fitness" section.0 -
I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.
Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.
Yes men and women normally cheat for different reasons but the latest statistics show about 65-70 % of married men have cheated, while women who have the reputation that they don't cheat now research has found 60-65 % of married women have cheated0 -
The fact that you only found out about it because you found her underwear (ew - he cheated in the bed he shares with you. Huge disrespect there) would bother me a lot. Sure, he's doing damage control now and saying and doing all the right things, but what if he didn't get caught? Business as usual, I'll bet. Makes me wonder what else he's not telling you.
It also makes me wonder if she left them there on purpose. I'm pretty sure I'd notice as I was getting re-dressed in my friend's bedroom with my friend's fiance that I didn't put my panties on. But that's neither here nor there. The fact is that he cheated after only being with you for 18 months and in a really despicable way. I'd break it off. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.0 -
I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.
Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.
This is ridiculous. Surely if you love someone you wouldn't do something that you know is going to leave them heatbroken, questioning your future together and questioning everything they think they know. As far as ''getting over the whole thought process about how bad it is'' , are you joking? What planet is this on exactly? What frame of mind? One were we all walk around in pure ignorance?.
Please dont marry him, Can you see yourself fully trusting him again? If not, you really dont want to be starting married life feeling like that. If you cant trust him you will question everything he says and in turn you will end up resenting him. Sit down with him, tell him you do love him and you cant just up and walk away from your relationship but you are not marrying him in October. If he loves you he will cross hell and high waters to prove it to you. You need to show him your strength, dont let him think that you cant leave him (even if you feel like you cant.) If you do nothing, his mindset is going to be '' i can do what i want, make up an excuse, say a few sorry's and she will still be there.''0 -
He was drunk, she was drunk, now he has cut her from his life, as have I. He called her on the phone while I was there and said that he wanted nothing more than to work it out with me, but that he would not be able to associate with her anymore. Then he hung up, blocked her on Facebook, and deleted her number.
I don't know though....
How did you find out about this? Did he just admit it out of guilt?
I found her underwear in my bedroom.
Does she live with you guys??
If not..... She probably forgot her underwear because she wanted you to find out.0 -
You can forgive him, but I wouldn't recommend marrying him.
This. I would add 5+ years to his sentence before marrying him, if at all.
Personally, I never have forgiven a cheater and I don't live in 'bitterness'...I'm actually quite happy I cleansed myself of such garbage. If a future bridesmaid/friend tempted him to stray, just think of the women out there at the grocery store, mall, club, bar, etc. that will entice him to stray again....I wouldn't trust him anymore than I could throw him after that...so I'd move on and find someone else without a second thought. Trust is everything in a relationship.
^This.
I would say "forgive" him for cheating, so you can live in peace. But don't "forget" what he's done. He should have to rebuild your trust before moving along in the relationship.0 -
Forgive all you want, but you will never forget this. Ever. You will never get over it. You will never fully trust him. You will always feel like you weren't worth it to him. Do you really want to spend the next few years of your youth worried that he is keeping something from you, that what he says really isn't what he means? There is no such thing as rebuilding trust or "earning it back". It is an idealistic dream that knows no bounds.
Take it from someone who knows from experience. You will always be worried about preventing this from happening to you again. Right now you're thinking I don't know what I'm talking about, but I promise you - you'll never be satisfied with what he he's willing to do to make this up to you. And there's a limit to what he will be willing to do to keep you. You'll always feel like he owes you. He will wonder when you'll finally let it go.
Just in accepting this, your self-esteem has already taken a hit. You're setting yourself up for the worst fall of your life after you take this and marry him. This apology of his, the removing her from his life is about guilt - not love for you. Please man-up and walk away from this. The fact that you're asking us and rationalizing his behavior tells me you already believe you can't do better than this. Knowing what you're in for makes me very sad for you. I wish I knew what to say to a total stranger to make her see she's a badass and does not need to settle for this.
You're 22 - dumping your first fiance could be the biggest thing you've ever done for yourself to date. I think you should get buck-wild and use this to define the type of woman you want to be. You don't owe him *kitten*, but you might feel better giving the ring back. I felt more empowered and like I really meant it when I gave it back. That made it real for me. Someone else will propose to you.0 -
You're 22 - dumping your first fiance could be the biggest thing you've ever done for yourself to date. I think you should get buck-wild and use this to define the type of woman you want to be. You don't owe him *kitten*, but you might feel better giving the ring back. I felt more empowered and like I really meant it when I gave it back. That made it real for me. Someone else will propose to you.
EXACTLY! If I were 22 again...man...I didn't even know what kind of guy I wanted...Matter of fact, I didn't quite know what kind of WOMAN I wanted to be at that age...I was still a partying, buck wild GIRL.
It's a very powerful, awakening thing to just dump him and move on. It may seem hard, and it may be, but it will make you so much stronger and more available for something that's going to be more concrete for the long run.0 -
I say don't marry him. If anything post pone and see how he reacts and handles the situation in the future. My fear would be that he thinks he can always ask for forgiveness. Also, would he still be cheating, if you didn't find her clothes?
However, your going to torture yourself wondering every-time he goes out, is it with another girl?
I say move on from him.0 -
If she's an ex he should be too, they both did the same thing wrong to you0
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First off let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this, I have been there and it blows! I did forgive him because after much prayer I felt I was lead to forgive him. Don't let forgiveness get confused with acceptance though. It is 100% NOT OK what they did to you, but if he is totally honest about working it out you should explain he will need to prove to you on a daily basis that you are everything to him. Saying I love you and showing I love you are 2 completely different things. If he wants to rise to the challenge than cool, but if he grows upset with you because you are insecure of his faithfulness, remind him it was HIS ACTIONS that caused it.
I spelled it out very clearly to my husband everything I would expect and told him it was his choice if he wanted to man up or not. I required him to go to counseling with our pastor and I, for him to go to the guest bedroom until I felt he earned the marriage bed again, and that he needed to do the love dare book.
It took some time for me to want to be his wife again, we lived as roommates while he was "proving himself" again... But we got there... And are WAY better off for it. I am glad I chose to forgive him, but it wasn't easy... If it were not for his willingness to do the work to make ME feel secure in our marriage, we could have never made it. It wasn't as simple as me just forgiving.
Best of luck in whatever choice you make, remember you are beautiful and worthy... Don't let this pain change that!!!
Jackie0 -
Okay. Hold up. The leaving the undies thing...
I'm not usually a super blunt person....but this I couldn't pass up.
Women KNOW when they're wearing their undies and when they're not. That is a totally purposeful move on her part. She was clearly pissed at you for taking what she thought would be/was hers (your fiance), and her self-esteem was riding on hurting you. He was a pawn in her game, and he got to get his rocks off in the process. He fell for her manipulation, who's to say he wouldn't cave again under the right circumstances?
If this cheating was with strange *kitten*, it would still be questionable whether to take him back. But this cheating was with your FRIEND, your BRIDESMAID, and it was in YOUR BED. He left your feelings, your heart, your commitment to him in the dust because of a sick girl's insecurity-fueled need for validation via male attention and sex. Maybe she has daddy issues, who knows? Not your problem to solve, though. Glad you've blocked her out of your life.
However. You deserve MORE than what you're getting right now in a life-partner. You could highly benefit from INDIVIDUAL counseling, and from spending more time on your own...enjoy studying and learning your craft of medical emergency work. Build up a strong, positive, healthy network of girlfriends who are genuine and trustworthy -- which can also help to build a stronger version of YOU.
Take everything people say on here, meditate on it. And think about what you would do if this situation happened to YOUR DAUGHTER...would you say "stay with him, work out it," or would you say "move on, you have so much more life and love to give/receive"?
The choice is yours, and I can tell you are a sensitive, caring, intelligent person. And if you make a mistake this time around in the choice you make with your love life, so be it. Life can often be forgiving that way -- as long as your learn from your mistakes.
But also know, you deserve the best life you can create. And perhaps your fiance' and your former friend were simply two very large lessons along your life path to learn from. Maybe you'll look back at them some day in the future when you're living fully and enjoying the life you created.
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No. Your forgiveness is just his permission to do it again.
Hey, at least you found out he was a dog before the wedding though, right.
Have some respect and cut him out of your life.
At best, I'd say re-evaluate your relationship after many months of being apart. It'll give you both time to think.0 -
Someone's got you fooled.I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.
Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.0 -
Someone's got you fooled.I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.
Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.
Haha, exactly what I thought! Who told you it was normal for men to cheat?! lol0 -
I've never been in this situation, but if I was ever cheated on, I would dump him immediately. I already have enough trust issues. The relationship would be miserable if I didn't kick him to the curb. I might eventually forgive him, but I would never associate with him again.
And if you cut out your friend from your life, why wouldn't you cut him out to?0 -
You are here, on mfp, which shows you care how you look, and you are committed to making yourself better.
Give the same respect to your heart.
I dont give a .. how drunk they were, where were you that they managed to be drunk and alone, near to your bed??
I'm sorry, thats like the ultimate betrayal, YOUR friend, in YOUR bed? And you only found out by finding her underwear?
If he was "that" drunk, how did they manage it anyways? so he can't have been that bad.
You don't need couples counselling, unless you are going to stay with him. Its up to you wether or not you forgive, but as one thats been there, you will never forget, ever. and the trust has taken a severe knock.
You are young, walk away, if it was neant to be, maybe in a year or two you'll see him and it'll be different, but right now?
Don't do it, you are worth a lot more than that!0 -
What do YOU want to do? Forgiveness can be very hard, but through the power of Christ, is possible. Much prayer and counseling could be good. If you can't get past it, move on. I've known couples who have stayed together and it's made their relationship stronger, and I've known couples that it's torn apart.0
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Forgiving doesn't mean you get married. Sounds like you are making excuses for him.
If your ex-friend wasn't in a relationship, your guy is MORE guilty than she is for the cheating. I don't know why you haven't excommunicated him, too.0 -
Always been a true believer in the notion that alcohol doesn't make us into a different person, just shows our base nature, our true colors, if you will.
No wonder I don't drink...
Perfect answer. Really liked your previous response to the OP too.0 -
He was drunk, she was drunk, now he has cut her from his life, as have I. He called her on the phone while I was there and said that he wanted nothing more than to work it out with me, but that he would not be able to associate with her anymore. Then he hung up, blocked her on Facebook, and deleted her number.
I don't know though....
I would be concerned about the drinking. This makes 2 totally unresponsible actions on his part. Only you can answer. Are you better off with him, or without him? Don't let fear of being alone color your answer.0 -
How long ago did this happen? Are you sure it only happened once (and she decided to leave her disgusting underwear around this last time)? And who's to say he's REALLY given up drinking if this is all still new?
Really, I'd be very cautious, in the end he probably isn't worth it.0 -
You can forgive but deep down you never forget and because of this the relationship is doomed to much guilt on one side, and to much anger at the person that created the situation from the other. I walked away after 10 years of trying to forgive.0
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i agree, forgiveness is one thing living with and trusting him ever again is quite another, and the bridesmaid can go find a new friend i would say.....she is not a good friend......0
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I posted earlier, but I have been keeping up with this post and I have one more comment to make.
It is obvious that you have already taken him back...maybe not forgiven, but taken him back. It is sad to me, I think at this point you need to stop and ask yourself why you were so willing to accept his behavior. And couples counseling...really? You are in couple's counseling even before he has asked for forgiveness, as if you did something to cause him to cheat.
Face it...he is a cheater, and it seems a pretty good manipulator too. So the decision is yours, how do you want to be treated? He will treat you as bad as you let him...and from what you have said, it's pretty bad.
I hope this is just your age, because I see myself in you and it wasn't until I matured until I understood this. You can marry him now, but if you think he will be faithful, you are fooling yourself.0 -
A lot of advice from people you don't know on a website. Even if it comes from people you do know, no one is going replace your own wisdom, which is ultimately the best. What rings true for you? What does your heart, head, gut & common sense tell you? Start learning to trust yourself. Even if you make mistakes, self trust is the best muscle you can develop in life.
If I had listened to the great advice of others (and it really did sound very sensible at the time) I would have missed out on some very valuable experiences. I'm not saying that either choice is right or wrong...it's for YOU to determine what is right and wrong, for YOU.0 -
You can forgive him, but I wouldn't recommend marrying him.
Agreed. You're aren't married yet, so it's easier to escape. RUN! Run fast!0 -
Cheating at the beginning of the relationship? He isn't even a spouse yet. I think you need to put some time into a relationship before you have enough points to be allowed a cheat.0
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