Spousal Cheaters?

thatsillyshana

It sounds like he really wants to work things out. Like giving up drinking and setting up counseling. In counseling I think you can explore if you can ever forgive and move on or stay together.

Either way, sorry they did that to you. I hope you find your peace with or without him :]

glovepuppet

He was drunk, she was drunk, now he has cut her from his life, as have I. He called her on the phone while I was there and said that he wanted nothing more than to work it out with me, but that he would not be able to associate with her anymore. Then he hung up, blocked her on Facebook, and deleted her number.

I don't know though....

so he made a big thing about locking out of your lives, but he gets to marry you and move on? that kind of stage drama makes me more suspicious than the actual cheating. they both did the same thing. if anything, his crime was worse. you lose your best mate and he loses nothing, but gets to look like mr strong stance. *barf*

don't marry him. put the wedding on hold. take a good, long time to figure out what kind of a person he really is. you could take an extra year or two to be certain, or you could wake up in 50 years and realise you wasted your life on this jerk.

marry in haste, repent at leasure!

ajswriter

It's probably over. Work on it if you want to, if it gets you some closure. As a divorcee, I am among those who say get divorced BEFORE you get married. Life is too short for bull**** like that. There are people who don't cheat on you, and they're worth waiting for.

liannexxx

I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.

Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.

JessicaN1979

I think this is all a personal decision and in doing so you really have to decide if you can truly forgive him and move on from it or if it will always be in your mind. I have been in your shoes and I have decided to try to forgive, but you will never forget and if you can live with that and not become angered about it or bring it up in future arguements, I think that is the key to making it work, along with a lot of prayer. The fact that it was your best friend/maid of honor, I believe would make it a little more difficult, but remember if you forgive him you should also forgive her (which does mean allow her to be your best friend anymore, but it would mean you would have to forgive them both). Good luck and stay strong. It is not an easy process, but if he truly is the one for you, then make it work. One other piece of advice, find out the reason he cheated and figure out if could have been avoided (bad situation or circumstance) or even just better communication between the two of you. There could be many reasons this happened and sometimes you will find that its just because people are cheaters and truly not in love, but other times it can be something that can be worked on.

gina1971

Move on. It will be hard but it will be easier than a lifetime of resent and worry. Why spend more time with someone of low moral character? Life is hard enough. The people who claim to love you should not make it worse.

j1wright

Oh honey, take it from someone who has had to do A LOT of work on their relationship due to trust issues. I have two kids and frankly wouldn't be able to live on my own without him. I could go back to a small *kitten* town and live with my parents with no oppurtunity for me or my kids or work it out with my husband..........thankfully for now it has worked but it has been very rough and it shows. I look older than I should, I have lost friends, I have hurt family, I have hurt so much. You are only 22? You have it so easy to walk away. WALK AWAY!!!

leahartmann

I have been married for 12 years and have never cheated. I find it difficult to understand how someone can. You´re either with somebody or you´re not. But It may not be that simple, I know. My husband kind of cheated on me and I have forgiven him. I really have. But now he knows, that he have a weakness and I will expect him to avoid situations where it could be possible. For instance, we have an agreement that he don´t sit alone with another woman in the apartment. Not even a friend. I trust him, but I´m not stupid. Not that stupid, at least...

As I said in the beginning, you will get a lot of different answers. No one can tell you what to do. That´s your decision!! Do you trust him? Do you still love him? Why didn´t he come to you with his "conflicted feelings"? Didn´t he trust you? Once, while we were married, we were having a very difficult time. I felt inlove with another man. I asked my husband out to eat and told him that I had a problem and needed his help. He listened and together we made a plan, so I could avod the other person. I defriended him from facebook and told him that I would have no contact with him. Nothing ever happened, because we took care of it before it became a problem. We took care of it together. Why didn´t you bf do that?

I hope the best for you. You do what is right for you.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.

Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.

Um... I agree she should do what she wants to do and now worry what anyone else thinks, I also agree it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. But I know plenty of faithful men and unfaithful women.

Sandreeuhh

I was cheated on. My husband cheated on me a few months before him and I got married... I didn't find out until almost a year later. He had sex with her before we got married. And they sent numerous pictures to each other for a while. I found out and since I'm a very forgiving person.. I forgave him. I haven't forgotten about what he's done.. and I may never forget... But I love him. and I know he loves me. Just because it's broken doesn't mean it can't be fixed. People deserve second chances. Relationships aren't perfect... You have to work on them.

leahartmann

He was drunk, she was drunk, now he has cut her from his life, as have I. He called her on the phone while I was there and said that he wanted nothing more than to work it out with me, but that he would not be able to associate with her anymore. Then he hung up, blocked her on Facebook, and deleted her number.

I don't know though....

How did you find out about this? Did he just admit it out of guilt?

I found her underwear in my bedroom.

You found her underwear? (I never understand how someone can forget their underwear.) In YOUR bedroom? They were having sex in your room!? How could he "forget" you? I would really doubt him.

Guns_N_Buns

You can forgive him, but I wouldn't recommend marrying him.

This. I would add 5+ years to his sentence before marrying him, if at all.

Personally, I never have forgiven a cheater and I don't live in 'bitterness'...I'm actually quite happy I cleansed myself of such garbage. If a future bridesmaid/friend tempted him to stray, just think of the women out there at the grocery store, mall, club, bar, etc. that will entice him to stray again....I wouldn't trust him anymore than I could throw him after that...so I'd move on and find someone else without a second thought. Trust is everything in a relationship.

DoctorsaubeR

I raelly don;t think this is the place for something like this.

Why did you bother commenting on this?

Right? If you don't like the thread, then move on. This is the "Chit chat, etc." section, not the "hardcore talk about fitness" section.

wcaldwelld

I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.

Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.

Yes men and women normally cheat for different reasons but the latest statistics show about 65-70 % of married men have cheated, while women who have the reputation that they don't cheat now research has found 60-65 % of married women have cheated

Ed98043

The fact that you only found out about it because you found her underwear (ew - he cheated in the bed he shares with you. Huge disrespect there) would bother me a lot. Sure, he's doing damage control now and saying and doing all the right things, but what if he didn't get caught? Business as usual, I'll bet. Makes me wonder what else he's not telling you.

It also makes me wonder if she left them there on purpose. I'm pretty sure I'd notice as I was getting re-dressed in my friend's bedroom with my friend's fiance that I didn't put my panties on. But that's neither here nor there. The fact is that he cheated after only being with you for 18 months and in a really despicable way. I'd break it off. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

jobsafish1212

I think it is normal for men to cheat (not women) men have sex because an opportunity appears. Women cheat because they feel there is something missing from their relationship so they actively go out and find something to make themselves feel better. Men don't ever feel like this. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't love you.....ultimately he came home to you.

Men and women are different. As soon as we get over this whole thought process about how bad it is imagine how happy you will feel. Don't worry about what other people think. Just do what makes you happy.

This is ridiculous. Surely if you love someone you wouldn't do something that you know is going to leave them heatbroken, questioning your future together and questioning everything they think they know. As far as ''getting over the whole thought process about how bad it is'' , are you joking? What planet is this on exactly? What frame of mind? One were we all walk around in pure ignorance?.

Please dont marry him, Can you see yourself fully trusting him again? If not, you really dont want to be starting married life feeling like that. If you cant trust him you will question everything he says and in turn you will end up resenting him. Sit down with him, tell him you do love him and you cant just up and walk away from your relationship but you are not marrying him in October. If he loves you he will cross hell and high waters to prove it to you. You need to show him your strength, dont let him think that you cant leave him (even if you feel like you cant.) If you do nothing, his mindset is going to be '' i can do what i want, make up an excuse, say a few sorry's and she will still be there.''

Sandreeuhh

He was drunk, she was drunk, now he has cut her from his life, as have I. He called her on the phone while I was there and said that he wanted nothing more than to work it out with me, but that he would not be able to associate with her anymore. Then he hung up, blocked her on Facebook, and deleted her number.

I don't know though....

How did you find out about this? Did he just admit it out of guilt?

I found her underwear in my bedroom.

Does she live with you guys??
If not..... She probably forgot her underwear because she wanted you to find out.

enewsome2

You can forgive him, but I wouldn't recommend marrying him.

This. I would add 5+ years to his sentence before marrying him, if at all.

Personally, I never have forgiven a cheater and I don't live in 'bitterness'...I'm actually quite happy I cleansed myself of such garbage. If a future bridesmaid/friend tempted him to stray, just think of the women out there at the grocery store, mall, club, bar, etc. that will entice him to stray again....I wouldn't trust him anymore than I could throw him after that...so I'd move on and find someone else without a second thought. Trust is everything in a relationship.

^This.

I would say "forgive" him for cheating, so you can live in peace. But don't "forget" what he's done. He should have to rebuild your trust before moving along in the relationship.

theCarlton

Forgive all you want, but you will never forget this. Ever. You will never get over it. You will never fully trust him. You will always feel like you weren't worth it to him. Do you really want to spend the next few years of your youth worried that he is keeping something from you, that what he says really isn't what he means? There is no such thing as rebuilding trust or "earning it back". It is an idealistic dream that knows no bounds.

Take it from someone who knows from experience. You will always be worried about preventing this from happening to you again. Right now you're thinking I don't know what I'm talking about, but I promise you - you'll never be satisfied with what he he's willing to do to make this up to you. And there's a limit to what he will be willing to do to keep you. You'll always feel like he owes you. He will wonder when you'll finally let it go.

Just in accepting this, your self-esteem has already taken a hit. You're setting yourself up for the worst fall of your life after you take this and marry him. This apology of his, the removing her from his life is about guilt - not love for you. Please man-up and walk away from this. The fact that you're asking us and rationalizing his behavior tells me you already believe you can't do better than this. Knowing what you're in for makes me very sad for you. I wish I knew what to say to a total stranger to make her see she's a badass and does not need to settle for this.

You're 22 - dumping your first fiance could be the biggest thing you've ever done for yourself to date. I think you should get buck-wild and use this to define the type of woman you want to be. You don't owe him *kitten*, but you might feel better giving the ring back. I felt more empowered and like I really meant it when I gave it back. That made it real for me. Someone else will propose to you.

Guns_N_Buns

You're 22 - dumping your first fiance could be the biggest thing you've ever done for yourself to date. I think you should get buck-wild and use this to define the type of woman you want to be. You don't owe him *kitten*, but you might feel better giving the ring back. I felt more empowered and like I really meant it when I gave it back. That made it real for me. Someone else will propose to you.

EXACTLY! If I were 22 again...man...I didn't even know what kind of guy I wanted...Matter of fact, I didn't quite know what kind of WOMAN I wanted to be at that age...I was still a partying, buck wild GIRL.

It's a very powerful, awakening thing to just dump him and move on. It may seem hard, and it may be, but it will make you so much stronger and more available for something that's going to be more concrete for the long run.