Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?

ThisNewFitGirl
ThisNewFitGirl Posts: 81 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me :( What can I do?
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Replies

  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    Bite your tongue, lead by example.
  • missprincessgina
    missprincessgina Posts: 446 Member
    One of my friends would make fun of me for running before work and then hitting the gym at lunch time ... then one day she came and asked me for help and she went from a size 14 to a size 4. It's been awhile since I worked, and my friend is still lean and healthy and kept off all the weight.
  • Nimue108
    Nimue108 Posts: 110 Member
    There is nothing you can do. She is unhappy with how she is, but unmotivated to do anything about it. If she keeps taking jabs at you just smile at her and say that you don't talk mean about her so you would appreciate it if she didn't talk mean about you. If she continues then let her know that if she doesn't stop that you will stop hanging out with her. She has to decide for herself that she is willing to do the work to get healthy and some people prefer to wallow in their current life. You can ask if she wants to try some of you healthy food, or go to a workout class to get her feet wet, but if she declines then it is on her. Sorry you are dealing with this, but some people are just that way. *hugs*
  • Cr01502
    Cr01502 Posts: 3,614 Member
    I think you should say how you feel as long as you have the action to back it up.
  • momjmd
    momjmd Posts: 296 Member
    I would just reply that eating this way and exercising makes you feel great- physically and mentally. Talk about the great benefits you are receiving for being fit. Eventually she may realize that she wants some of that too-- otherwise, there is not much you can do. Just lead by your good example.
  • anaquay
    anaquay Posts: 150 Member
    I have a friend who is exactly like that and I worry so much about her deteriorating health but I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do. The change will only come when she is ready.
  • imchicbad
    imchicbad Posts: 1,650 Member
    Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    My suggestion is that you don't try to motivate her. If she criticizes your choices, ask her to stop. If you are tired of talking about body issues, change the subject, and if that doesn't work, explain that you're tired of talking about weight.
  • Delicate
    Delicate Posts: 625 Member
    just lead by example

    i had a friend who was the same, but kept complaining about medical problems caused by her weight, making excuses, the whole trying to encourage her never worked.

    however said friend through gentle encouragement and seeing me enjoying eating well, and exercising, has decided to take the baton (thinking its her own idea!) of joining the gym, going, and enjoying it and is eating better as a result.

    It helped when she started 'dissing' my attitude towards exercise and eating well, i changed subject.
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
    She obviously has major self esteem issues, and I can totally sympathize. And I'm sure that how well you take care of yourself DOES make her feel badly. But that doesn't mean you should stop taking care of yourself. Just do you and bite your tongue. If the way SHE is treating YOU becomes a problem then discuss it with her but ONLY in regards to how you feel- with no comment on her weight. Just say something along the lines of "It makes me feel badly when you tease me about working out. Its something I enjoy doing and its not fair for you to make fun of me so please don't." Good luck!
  • Lyerin
    Lyerin Posts: 818 Member
    If she is truly a friend, tell her that it hurts your feelings when she makes fun of your lifestyle and ask her not to do it. Continue to lead by example.
  • amyrc12
    amyrc12 Posts: 183 Member
    Bite your tongue, lead by example.

    Amen!
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
  • Bridget0927
    Bridget0927 Posts: 438 Member
    Tell her she hurts your feelings when she makes fun of your "Healthy lifestyle"
    Maybe hearing that will make her stop and think. I imagine she has had her feelings hurt before about the opposite. Telling someone they have hurt your feelings sounds silly but it works everytime. Shhhhhh dont tell to many ppl then it will lose its luster
  • Buzymomof_3
    Buzymomof_3 Posts: 73 Member
    Unfortunately, until she's ready and committed it won't work for her (speaking from experience). Keep inviting but keep it light or she will take it as an attack. And find something to help her take pride in, her hair, her hands, her attitude on something. As for when she gives a negative comment about your workout or diet, just tell her - but it's what I like and I feel good when I do it, I would really like your support. Good Luck!
  • Mzfoster0517
    Mzfoster0517 Posts: 83 Member
    I understand I have a close friend like that, but sometime it's just best as one person said on here too lead by example. My mom always told me when you get tired you'll do something to fix the problem, you just aren't tired yet. When I got tired and exhausted I changed.

    Lot's of people know what they need to do, but don't like hearing it! I'm like that with driving. i know I need to drive, and it would be a life saver, and I want too, but I can't stand when someone tells me "You need to get your car running, You need to drive" UM DUR I know this already :)
  • GamerLady
    GamerLady Posts: 359 Member
    I would tell her what I think. I'm not a mean person, but when you have someone that doesn't respect you, you shouldn't put up with it just to not hurt their feelings, she obviously doesn't care about yours.
    I can't stand the pity party, oh woe is me, not taking responsibility for themselves and their actions, some people get when overweight and won't do anything about it.
  • Mzfoster0517
    Mzfoster0517 Posts: 83 Member
    I like that suggestion
  • Gworkmanii
    Gworkmanii Posts: 19 Member
    JUST BE HONEST. A true friend will understand honesty.
  • LauraDotts
    LauraDotts Posts: 732 Member
    Why is she your best friend? Why are you allowing someone to treat you that way and continue to call her friend? Friends are friendly not verbally abusive.
  • ShannonS2714
    ShannonS2714 Posts: 135 Member
    Be straight up and tell her " Look, you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy lifestyle? I don't understand."

    THIS!
  • GurleyGirl524
    GurleyGirl524 Posts: 578 Member
    It sounds to me like she has self image issues and is looking for someone to tell her that she is not overweight and that she is still beautiful. She says she is happy the way she is, but it sounds like she is trying to convince herself and others around that that is really true when it's not. All you can really do is continue to be her friend. You can't force her into a lifestyle change. She has to want to do it for herself. When her comments jab at you, remind her that she is your friend and she should support you just as you do her. Continue to lead by example. She will come around. I was once the "fat friend".
  • WendySPWarren
    WendySPWarren Posts: 63 Member
    I think we all have a friend like this. :/

    My advice is not to bother trying to motivate her. It'll just be insulting her intelligence and she'll feel like you're over-simplifying her problems. Don't bother, it'll just end in tears. When she is ready to give it a shot, be there for her. But not before then.

    And when she is being a ***** and making fun of you for eating healthily, keep in mind that she probably has no idea how hurtful/insulting she is being. It sounds like she is taking out her insecurities on you, which isn't something you shouldn't have to put up with. You can either be a snide ***** back, or be the bigger person and let her know that those comments upset you and belittle all of the effort you are putting in to being healthy.

    If she doesn't stop after that, then she isn't worth it. If it's possible, slowly try distance yourself from her. People like that are toxic.
  • dontgobacktosleep
    dontgobacktosleep Posts: 144 Member
    She's feeling a little emotional too I'm sure. It sounds like you genuinely care about her, and really as a friend sitting by idle is not taking the high road.

    My suggestion would be go in with your normal approach, as soon as she starts getting defensive let her get it out. Take a breath, then repeat what she said back to you. "So if I'm understanding correctly, I'm a callous evil woman who cares about her friends..." Do this in a very consultative tone. But do not interject if she is using words like always and never, let her get it out, then let her hear herself through your voice.

    At this point you may have clarified your understanding, and pulled her back from the edge. Now you have control of the conversation and can apply as much motivation and inspiration as you find appropriate. If you're successful you'll likely get your apology for the catty comments without asking.

    A friend in law enforcement taught me this and it works on all ages and stages of life.

    Best of luck :-)
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves, so as far as she goes, you may as well leave that alone. But, as far as her negative comments towards your healthy lifestyle, explain that they hurt and you wish she wouldn't talk that way to you.
  • bumblebums
    bumblebums Posts: 2,181 Member
    I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me :( What can I do?

    Sounds to me like your friend needs psychiatric help, not anything you can offer her. I'd keep on doing what you're doing, fitness-wise, and avoid discussing the subject with her. She'll come around on her own or she won't, but there is nothing you can do for her.
  • BigDnSW
    BigDnSW Posts: 641 Member
    Love her the way she is. No more, no less. My dear wife did the same for me when I was at my fattest and unhappy. She led by much love and being a great example. Actions always speak louder than words. That was 100 lbs. ago. No greater gift has been given to me and now I give it right back to others.
  • FireEngineRedHead
    FireEngineRedHead Posts: 281 Member
    lose*

    I have the same problem with my sister. I honestly quit trying. I just make little things like "This shirt is too big for me now, want it?" Then she tries it on and sees how tight it is on her and she starts talking about losing weight and does nothing about it. I've stepped off.
  • cubbies77
    cubbies77 Posts: 607 Member
    Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."

    I agree with this. I would say something like, "You don't like it when I comment on your weight, so how do you think I feel when you talk about mine?" If she insists you shouldn't feel bad because you're thin, then maybe it's time to distance yourself from her a little bit. You shouldn't have to put up with insults. She IS projecting, and it's up to her to either lose weight or learn to live with it without taking it out on other people.
  • Donya925
    Donya925 Posts: 6
    Do not say anything! I feel as though I can relate to your friend, and "we" are unhappy with the way we look but don't have the motivation or drive to change it because it almost seems impossible to get the weight off.

    Friends and family members have made comments to me before and their comments stick with you like you would not believe. I think you should bite your tongue, and continue trying to be a positive influence on her.

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