Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?
Replies
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Yeah I have a friend who has gotten pretty big. She needs to lose 200 pounds easy. She won't even walk around the grocery store. She grabs a handicap scooter.
She's always griping about how terrible she feels, and how awful it is that she can't even walk the distance around the store, so I said "So do something about it then."
She just got upset with me. I suppose she will one day, but it sucks to continuously hear *****ing from people who won't make the effort to change.0 -
Tell her that making fun of your physical activity and eating habits doesn't make you feel any better than if you were to make fun of her for being sedentary and stuffing her face. Assuming you want to remain friends with her, you may want to think of a nicer way to say it. Either way, that should shut her up.0
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Gotta say I'm kinda shocked at how many people could roll over on a best friend when the going gets tough..... I could never live with myself!
All we suggested is that the OP tell her that her jibes at the OP's healthy lifestyle are just as hurtful. Nobody suggested just up and dumping her. I don't see anything wrong with telling a friend their comments are hurtful.0 -
Bite your tongue, lead by example.
^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd another for this.
When I was 387lbs, nobody could tell me anything and I would just get pissed off even if people tried to "help" in a nice way. It will just create a rift in the friendship. When I finally decided to get on the horse and get going was when I was ready and only then. I'm holding at 240 now and still have another 50 and have been messin around again - and again when people try to "advise" or "motivate" me I get pissed off LOL. Meanwhile my bestie went from wearing size L to size S - she motivates me and doesn't have to say anything. If i ask, she helps, otherwise seeing what she is doing is more than enough
It sounds like the OP was simply responding to her friend's complaints. When someone complains, there's often an urge to help that person since you care about them. Some people just want to complain and not do anything about it, though, and at that point, there's nothing anyone can do.
OP - if your friend complains about her weight again, change the subject. If she continues complaining and starts to drag you down for your healthy choices, call her out on it. I know you really want to help her, but it sounds like she's just going to keep attacking you whenever you suggest going to the gym together or helping her make better food choices in response to her complaints. Perhaps, with some time and distance, she'll come around and ask you for guidance. If not, that's really sad, but sometimes it's necessary to put some distance between yourself and a toxic friend.
I wouldn't respond to her complaints with, "But you're so pretty/awesome/kind!" She obviously has low self-esteem, and the more you respond like that, the more attention she's getting. It doesn't fix the problem. She'll learn to start fishing for compliments that make up for being heavy and won't change. Then it will start all over again the day or two later when her happy feelings wear off. I know because I was that person for many years.0 -
MISERY LOVES COMPANY...... YOU SHOULD JUST LET HER KNOW IF U CANT TALK TO HER ABOUT HER WEIGHT, THEN SHE CANT TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOURS. YOU GUYS ARE FREINDS, SO SHE SHOULD RESPECT THAT. AND IF SHE DOESNT THEN SHE SHOULD HAVE OUT WITH PPL THAT HAVE SIMILIAR EATING HABITS TO HERS.0
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I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.0 -
There isn't much you can do. I used to be that girl and until she decides to do something about it herself, there isn't anything you can do.
You will inevitably hurt her feelings if you say anything, so it's if you feel you have a strong enough bond that she will forgive you for giving her a stern talking to over it.0 -
I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
Ditto. After hearing the same complaint over and over, knowing they aren't going to do a darn thing about it, I stop listening and stop caring. I refuse to spend anymore energy on someone who isn't going to change their situation. I've drifted from quite a few friends because of this, and to be honest, it's a relief not to have to put up with that anymore. In some cases, it went on for years.0 -
that's pretty much my attitude. You can't fix people but you can stop them driving you either crazy or away.Bite your tongue, lead by example.
^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd another for this.
When I was 387lbs, nobody could tell me anything and I would just get pissed off even if people tried to "help" in a nice way. It will just create a rift in the friendship. When I finally decided to get on the horse and get going was when I was ready and only then. I'm holding at 240 now and still have another 50 and have been messin around again - and again when people try to "advise" or "motivate" me I get pissed off LOL. Meanwhile my bestie went from wearing size L to size S - she motivates me and doesn't have to say anything. If i ask, she helps, otherwise seeing what she is doing is more than enough
It sounds like the OP was simply responding to her friend's complaints. When someone complains, there's often an urge to help that person since you care about them. Some people just want to complain and not do anything about it, though, and at that point, there's nothing anyone can do.
OP - if your friend complains about her weight again, change the subject. If she continues complaining and starts to drag you down for your healthy choices, call her out on it. I know you really want to help her, but it sounds like she's just going to keep attacking you whenever you suggest going to the gym together or helping her make better food choices in response to her complaints. Perhaps, with some time and distance, she'll come around and ask you for guidance. If not, that's really sad, but sometimes it's necessary to put some distance between yourself and a toxic friend.
I wouldn't respond to her complaints with, "But you're so pretty/awesome/kind!" She obviously has low self-esteem, and the more you respond like that, the more attention she's getting. It doesn't fix the problem. She'll learn to start fishing for compliments that make up for being heavy and won't change. Then it will start all over again the day or two later when her happy feelings wear off. I know because I was that person for many years.0 -
likewise, I prefer my friends to just tell/show me they don't want to hear about part of my life than that they start trying to give me therapy.I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
Ditto. After hearing the same complaint over and over, knowing they aren't going to do a darn thing about it, I stop listening and stop caring. I refuse to spend anymore energy on someone who isn't going to change their situation. I've drifted from quite a few friends because of this, and to be honest, it's a relief not to have to put up with that anymore. In some cases, it went on for years.0 -
shes taking jabs because she feels self conscious and guilty- so shes trying to make light of it. I joke in this way so I can relate. Lets say it this way- if she found religon- and wanted you to as well- but you didnt want to- and you made jokes about it because it made you uncomfortable how into it she was it would be the same situation
- being healthy is like politics and religion. Not everyone is ready/ wants the same thing you want and everyone wants to tell everyone else about their side.0 -
Gotta say I'm kinda shocked at how many people could roll over on a best friend when the going gets tough..... I could never live with myself!
All we suggested is that the OP tell her that her jibes at the OP's healthy lifestyle are just as hurtful. Nobody suggested just up and dumping her. I don't see anything wrong with telling a friend their comments are hurtful.
Oh no, I'm clearly advocating to up and dump the friend. If I'm trying to make a big change in my life for the good, but someone wants to hold me back, I leave that person behind. I don't need to have cheerleaders in my life but I'm damn sure not putting up with anchors. If the friend wants to change I'm there for them. If the friend doesn't want to change that's totally cool too. But if they have something negative to say every time I want to do something positive, I just slide away.
Doesn't matter if I'm trying to change my fitness habits, or my alcohol habits, or my heroin shooting habits, if someone is holding me back from my new choices then they probably have to go.0 -
I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.
Is being aware that people are more complex than Pavlov's dogs really trying to fix them? At no point did anyone say OP should put with constant whining or being put down -- just recognize that maybe her friend is dealing with fear (of losing the friendship-being left behind, failure)/self-loathing.
I don't understand how directly challenging somebody when they devalue themselves with a positive statement about their worth is putting up with anything, quite frankly. If your best friend suddenly has a self defeating attitude and is snippy about positive things happening in your life -- my reaction to that is "Why is she being that way?" not "stop it you're annoying me".0 -
i'm all for positive comments. just not at that point.
I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.
Is being aware that people are more complex than Pavlov's dogs really trying to fix them? At no point did anyone say OP should put with constant whining or being put down -- just recognize that maybe her friend is dealing with fear (of losing the friendship-being left behind, failure)/self-loathing.
I don't understand how directly challenging somebody when they devalue themselves with a positive statement about their worth is putting up with anything, quite frankly. If your best friend suddenly has a self defeating attitude and is snippy about positive things happening in your life -- my reaction to that is "Why is she being that way?" not "stop it you're annoying me".
...do you really believe the person who is saying 'no, honey, you're beautiful!' just because you just said you were fat? or do you believe them more when they tell you, out of the blue, just because they looked at you and thought so? a fished for compliment is unconvincing because, deep down, we all know that people feel like it's the response we're supposed to give. short term buzz, long term meaningless'.
sure, we're a tad more complex but we still repeat behaviours we find rewarding. what the reward is is more complex in people than in pooches but the link is still clear.
...though i could be talking rot.0 -
i'm all for positive comments. just not at that point.
I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.
Is being aware that people are more complex than Pavlov's dogs really trying to fix them? At no point did anyone say OP should put with constant whining or being put down -- just recognize that maybe her friend is dealing with fear (of losing the friendship-being left behind, failure)/self-loathing.
I don't understand how directly challenging somebody when they devalue themselves with a positive statement about their worth is putting up with anything, quite frankly. If your best friend suddenly has a self defeating attitude and is snippy about positive things happening in your life -- my reaction to that is "Why is she being that way?" not "stop it you're annoying me".
...do you really believe the person who is saying 'no, honey, you're beautiful!' just because you just said you were fat? or do you believe them more when they tell you, out of the blue, just because they looked at you and thought so? a fished for compliment is unconvincing because, deep down, we all know that people feel like it's the response we're supposed to give. short term buzz, long term meaningless'.
sure, we're a tad more complex but we still repeat behaviours we find rewarding. what the reward is is more complex in people than in pooches but the link is still clear.
...though i could be talking rot.
I think you're a little mistaken about what I was suggesting in the first place. If her friend is saying things like "I was so much better looking when I was young" the response I'm suggesting wouldn't be "Oh don't be silly, you look great!" it would be "I don't like it when you speak negatively about yourself, you are a wonderful friend it I don't like it when you're down on yourself". The point is to stress that you won't support the negativity (or fishing, if that is how you want to view it), but in a positive way.0 -
ah, by 'list some of her positive traits' i took it to mean the ego boost list.
i'm all for positive comments. just not at that point.
I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.
i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.
Is being aware that people are more complex than Pavlov's dogs really trying to fix them? At no point did anyone say OP should put with constant whining or being put down -- just recognize that maybe her friend is dealing with fear (of losing the friendship-being left behind, failure)/self-loathing.
I don't understand how directly challenging somebody when they devalue themselves with a positive statement about their worth is putting up with anything, quite frankly. If your best friend suddenly has a self defeating attitude and is snippy about positive things happening in your life -- my reaction to that is "Why is she being that way?" not "stop it you're annoying me".
...do you really believe the person who is saying 'no, honey, you're beautiful!' just because you just said you were fat? or do you believe them more when they tell you, out of the blue, just because they looked at you and thought so? a fished for compliment is unconvincing because, deep down, we all know that people feel like it's the response we're supposed to give. short term buzz, long term meaningless'.
sure, we're a tad more complex but we still repeat behaviours we find rewarding. what the reward is is more complex in people than in pooches but the link is still clear.
...though i could be talking rot.
I think you're a little mistaken about what I was suggesting in the first place. If her friend is saying things like "I was so much better looking when I was young" the response I'm suggesting wouldn't be "Oh don't be silly, you look great!" it would be "I don't like it when you speak negatively about yourself, you are a wonderful friend it I don't like it when you're down on yourself". The point is to stress that you won't support the negativity (or fishing, if that is how you want to view it), but in a positive way.
what you're saying sounds a lot more like a rolled up newspaper in sheeps clothing!0 -
I don't understand how directly challenging somebody when they devalue themselves with a positive statement about their worth is putting up with anything, quite frankly. If your best friend suddenly has a self defeating attitude and is snippy about positive things happening in your life -- my reaction to that is "Why is she being that way?" not "stop it you're annoying me".
Oh, definitely. In my example, I meant people who do this constantly, over a number of months/years. I'm not talking about someone who is suddenly depressed when they've never really acted like that before. In that case, I definitely say, "Hey, what's going on with you? Is everything okay?"0 -
She obviously has major self esteem issues, and I can totally sympathize. And I'm sure that how well you take care of yourself DOES make her feel badly. But that doesn't mean you should stop taking care of yourself. Just do you and bite your tongue. If the way SHE is treating YOU becomes a problem then discuss it with her but ONLY in regards to how you feel- with no comment on her weight. Just say something along the lines of "It makes me feel badly when you tease me about working out. Its something I enjoy doing and its not fair for you to make fun of me so please don't." Good luck!
This. What motivates and helps one person might do absolutely nothing for another person. The only thing that will come of you trying to push her is the loss of a friend. She'll come around in her own time, just try to be as supportive as possible.0 -
She's depressed. Depression with poor body image makes people unmotivated.0
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If people make rude comments about my my eating or exercise, I just lightly say something like "Hey I don't pick on your ice cream, leave my yogurt and apples alone." Usually it works.
I do often go out of my way with friends though to explicitly state that I'm not judging what they eat or do/don't do activity-wise. A lot of people feel uncomfortable eating unhealthy stuff around me now, so I try to make sure they understand that just because I'm making these choices for ME doesn't mean I think any less of THEM for eating onion rings. Same with exercise, people suddenly feel the need to make excuses to me about why they haven't been to the gym or something, and I usually tell them they don't need to justify themselves to me, it's their business. It seems to help. It's tough when someone you're close to makes a big change, it throws things off. And since I'm the one changing I feel like it's appropriate for me to try and smooth it over a bit and help them adjust/react.0 -
If you really want to help her and i mean really help her start going out on outings that seem like a lot of fun but is going to have her doing exersice. such as convince her to walk to the store becuase its beautiful outside, you wanna go swimming because its hot (there is no shame in a little whinning) tell her you REALLY need her help keeping your spending in line because of the economy and so you wont be using the car as much to break out the bikes or walk. keep her entertained by walking through out the mall to go window shopping etc. go to free events in the community etc. ice skating you name it. make exercising fun for her and as for the eating. you pack the pick-nick have her over for meals often by making a girls night of it put on a new movie and tell her you want to try this awesome new recipe(contact me if you want some i have some GREAT ones) the thing about this is that your not hurting their feelings and your not embarrassing them which is why she is getting defensive...my best friend is the same exact way and if you make them feel useful and like its for you they are more likely to help you because you are there freind. she is probably depressed and she doesn't know how to fix it and is to embarrassed to be compared to others in the gym , this will help her begin to see results and you can very gently begin to edge her into the exercise world take dance classes if she like dancing god knows zumba is awesome.I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me
What can I do?0
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