Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?

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  • ShannonS2714
    ShannonS2714 Posts: 135 Member
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    Be straight up and tell her " Look, you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy lifestyle? I don't understand."

    THIS!
  • GurleyGirl524
    GurleyGirl524 Posts: 578 Member
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    It sounds to me like she has self image issues and is looking for someone to tell her that she is not overweight and that she is still beautiful. She says she is happy the way she is, but it sounds like she is trying to convince herself and others around that that is really true when it's not. All you can really do is continue to be her friend. You can't force her into a lifestyle change. She has to want to do it for herself. When her comments jab at you, remind her that she is your friend and she should support you just as you do her. Continue to lead by example. She will come around. I was once the "fat friend".
  • WendySPWarren
    WendySPWarren Posts: 63 Member
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    I think we all have a friend like this. :/

    My advice is not to bother trying to motivate her. It'll just be insulting her intelligence and she'll feel like you're over-simplifying her problems. Don't bother, it'll just end in tears. When she is ready to give it a shot, be there for her. But not before then.

    And when she is being a ***** and making fun of you for eating healthily, keep in mind that she probably has no idea how hurtful/insulting she is being. It sounds like she is taking out her insecurities on you, which isn't something you shouldn't have to put up with. You can either be a snide ***** back, or be the bigger person and let her know that those comments upset you and belittle all of the effort you are putting in to being healthy.

    If she doesn't stop after that, then she isn't worth it. If it's possible, slowly try distance yourself from her. People like that are toxic.
  • dontgobacktosleep
    dontgobacktosleep Posts: 144 Member
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    She's feeling a little emotional too I'm sure. It sounds like you genuinely care about her, and really as a friend sitting by idle is not taking the high road.

    My suggestion would be go in with your normal approach, as soon as she starts getting defensive let her get it out. Take a breath, then repeat what she said back to you. "So if I'm understanding correctly, I'm a callous evil woman who cares about her friends..." Do this in a very consultative tone. But do not interject if she is using words like always and never, let her get it out, then let her hear herself through your voice.

    At this point you may have clarified your understanding, and pulled her back from the edge. Now you have control of the conversation and can apply as much motivation and inspiration as you find appropriate. If you're successful you'll likely get your apology for the catty comments without asking.

    A friend in law enforcement taught me this and it works on all ages and stages of life.

    Best of luck :-)
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves, so as far as she goes, you may as well leave that alone. But, as far as her negative comments towards your healthy lifestyle, explain that they hurt and you wish she wouldn't talk that way to you.
  • bumblebums
    bumblebums Posts: 2,181 Member
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    I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me :( What can I do?

    Sounds to me like your friend needs psychiatric help, not anything you can offer her. I'd keep on doing what you're doing, fitness-wise, and avoid discussing the subject with her. She'll come around on her own or she won't, but there is nothing you can do for her.
  • BigDnSW
    BigDnSW Posts: 641 Member
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    Love her the way she is. No more, no less. My dear wife did the same for me when I was at my fattest and unhappy. She led by much love and being a great example. Actions always speak louder than words. That was 100 lbs. ago. No greater gift has been given to me and now I give it right back to others.
  • FireEngineRedHead
    FireEngineRedHead Posts: 281 Member
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    lose*

    I have the same problem with my sister. I honestly quit trying. I just make little things like "This shirt is too big for me now, want it?" Then she tries it on and sees how tight it is on her and she starts talking about losing weight and does nothing about it. I've stepped off.
  • cubbies77
    cubbies77 Posts: 607 Member
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    Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."

    I agree with this. I would say something like, "You don't like it when I comment on your weight, so how do you think I feel when you talk about mine?" If she insists you shouldn't feel bad because you're thin, then maybe it's time to distance yourself from her a little bit. You shouldn't have to put up with insults. She IS projecting, and it's up to her to either lose weight or learn to live with it without taking it out on other people.
  • Donya925
    Donya925 Posts: 6
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    Do not say anything! I feel as though I can relate to your friend, and "we" are unhappy with the way we look but don't have the motivation or drive to change it because it almost seems impossible to get the weight off.

    Friends and family members have made comments to me before and their comments stick with you like you would not believe. I think you should bite your tongue, and continue trying to be a positive influence on her.
  • efirkey
    efirkey Posts: 298 Member
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    Misery loves company and maybe she feels left out now that you are moving on
  • Morgaath
    Morgaath Posts: 679 Member
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    When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.

    Thanks, I can use this concept.
  • stephc0711
    stephc0711 Posts: 1,026 Member
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    When she makes comments on what you're eating, when you're out together, tell her it's not so bad, and maybe offer her a bite. It took a lot of convincing my husband that healthy food actually tastes good. He would whine anytime I'd talk about fixing something healthy, but when I cooked it when he wasn't around to see that was in it, he loved it. Sometimes it just takes really showing them!
  • Mbishop7684
    Mbishop7684 Posts: 171 Member
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    Like everyone said... we all have friends like this. Its hard for people to see their friends succeed in something they want desperately but can't/won't admit. When she is ready, she will lose. She isn't ready. PERIOD. Lead by example.

    However, if this woman is your best friend you should be able to be HONEST with her. My best friend has gained 40lbs and is unhappy. I am BY NO MEANS skinny, but I asked her: The last time you were at this weight you were incredibly unhappy with your LIFE circumstances, what's going on in your life? Are you happy? It had NOTHING to do with be trying to be healthy, but all to do with my love and concern for HER. THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO! You have them for a reason.

    Like all the others said, she is your best friend but that doesn't mean you have to take her shlt and negativity. If its too much, say so. If she doesn't knock it off, she doesn't value you. GOOD LUCK!
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,659 Member
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    If she is truly a friend, tell her that it hurts your feelings when she makes fun of your lifestyle and ask her not to do it. Continue to lead by example.

    This ......

    Those topics (healthy eating & fitness) will have to be off limits in conversation .......

    Hope the friendship continues, but ONLY if it doesn't suck the life out of you :drinker:
  • Tenzuya
    Tenzuya Posts: 64
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    Some people project there fears and insecurity's onto others, i wouldnt waste too much energy on what she is doing or saying, the best thing to do is focus on yourself and your own goals, if this person cant stop making negative comments about your positive life choices then you should end your freindship with them and tell them why, sometimes tough love is what they really need.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy

    I could be wrong, but this sounds like you might be trying to passively "motivate" her. That's not your job.

    She shouldn't make fun of your desire to be healthy, but if you're doing something like putting on a Jillian Michaels DVD every time she walks in your house, then don't do that. But if she's making fun of you because you didn't have a third slice of pizza or have to head out to the gym, then she's in the wrong.
  • abbyrae1
    abbyrae1 Posts: 265 Member
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    If I were in your situation, I would ask her to stop the negative comments to your healthy habits. This "healthy" new thing I'm doing isn't going to go away anytime soon so get used to it. Maybe even tell her that when she's ready to get back on the health train, you will support her but you need her support now too.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    making fun of your healthy choices is bullying and it's not ok, regardless of her own issues.

    if she laughs at you for working out & eating healthy, i think you should respond ''because i like having the figure of a person who works out and eats healthy!''
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
    i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.
    i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
    ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.

    we're all pavlov's dogs!

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