Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?

ThisNewFitGirl

Just break up.

LOL So funny

JenniBaby85

It's best to lead by silent example in this case I think. Actions speak louder than words. But she definitely needs to find the motivation within herself. Then, when she does, she'll probably come to you for help!

panano

Yes she is projecting. I have a friend that is exactly like that. I think they both think that it's impossible for them to lose weight, so they don't even want to try. Neither of them are happy about how much they weigh, but they act like they are just to make themselves feel better about it.
I try and lead by example. Any time I start a new workout program (a new Jillian Michaels dvd or whatnot), I invite her to join me. She usually does at first but gives up within a few days...no one likes working hard - but hopefully they'll have a breakthrough and try!
Good luck. Weight loss is never easy around friends. They get jealous and feel inadequate... no girl likes to be left behind, or one upped, or have "competition"... Best thing to do is encourage her, and if she makes a jab just laugh it off. Lead by example, and with love.

sunsnstatheart

Bite your tongue, lead by example.

^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.

BlueInkDot

Sounds to me like your "friend" isn't being very friend-like.

What kind of friend takes stabs at your lifestyle? You don't jab her for hers, so what makes her doing that okay?

First off, if she insists on acting this way, I wouldn't want to be hanging around her anymore because she's being mean.

Second off, if you're not going to hang around with her as much then you might as well say what you want to say and be honest.

The next time she starts giving you a hard time about working out and stuff, I would just be like, "y'know, I don't give you a hard time about your lifestyle, why are you making fun of me for mine?" And just leave it at that.

But I liked what rebeccalbray said - that seems like a better strategy. Either way one of two things need to happen - resolve the problem or don't bother being "friends" with someone who isn't going to bother being a "friend."

skinnyinnotime

When she next says something negative to you ask her why she said that. Also ask her if she would like it if you laughed at her lifestyle choices.

Both of these ideas should get her to shut up.

MyM0wM0w

she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me What can I do?

I think that you're reason for her saying those things is exactly spot on and personally, I would just say exactly what you wrote...but I also wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. Since you don't want to be 'mean' to her then I suggest that the next time she makes a comment about you working out or eating healthy I would look her right in the eye and say very firmly "You don't like it when I make comments about your weight or what you eat. Don't do it to me."

If you do that two of three times, she'll learn to shut up.

yo_andi

Bite your tongue, lead by example.

QFT.

She's not ready to give up her excuses yet. She'll get there. And once she does, you'll be able to help her maximize on her efforts through your experience.

tj1376

Are you being insensitive to your over weight friend? Clearly you are not being insensitive enough. I have learned that if you tell someone the truth about how you perceive their behavior and they get mad and don't want to talk to you anymore - that's their fault and their problem, you were being honest and you should get a better friend. If they get mad but are still your friend, then they are a true friend that respects your opinions even if it pisses them off.

Asking a forum of random strangers if your being insensitive about her weight just means you are complaining about her behind her back and not to her face. Thats just as bad as what she is doing. Man-up and talk to her. Whats the worst that could happen - you lose a "friend" that doesn't respect you? awesome

staplebug

One of my friends would make fun of me for running before work and then hitting the gym at lunch time ... then one day she came and asked me for help and she went from a size 14 to a size 4. It's been awhile since I worked, and my friend is still lean and healthy and kept off all the weight.

I love this! When or if your friend is ever ready, she may humble herself and come to you for help. She knows that you're doing the right things, but feels insecure and is not ready to do it herself.

Missjulesdid

It's not your responsibility to motivate her.. She is right, when she is ready to lose weight, she will.. Trust me, as a fattie, I can tell you that NOBODY can motivate you to lose weight, you have to start with yourself first.. Once she decides that is what she wants to do, then you can support her, but you can't make her want to do it.. so just let her be as she is.

As for her taking jabs at your lifestyle, that is uncalled for. You need to call her out on this and don't allow it to continue,.. but don't make it about HER weight.. just tell her that you don't appreciate her taking jabs at you for the way you've chosen to live and that this something that is important to you and makes you happy so why would she think it's ok to put this down?

da_bears10089

Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."

While i totally understand that a person can only decide to do things when they really want to do them, i think this is a perfect example. It seems like when people have lost a lot of weight or they generally lead a healthy lifestyle, they are fair game for being criticized for all things, and they are just supposed to accept it. If the healthy friend comments about the overweight one's lifestyle, they they are being unsupportive and mean.

katyejean

I do wish you the best of luck. It's a defense mechanism. But you probably need to meet her for a girl day, and have a serious heart to heart. And be like "Look, girl. I really care about you. You're my best friend. And I don't want you to get mad at me for this, but you have to pick one of the two options: Change your lifestyle, or stop talking about how much you wish you could be skinny again. And if you would like to, I can help you." Otherwise, you just have to shrug it off and hope she can change her own mind. I hope she does. One more life turned around!

DavPul

ditch the friend. she's being insensitive to you.

JenniNBond

You cant help unhappy people - they have to want it themselves.

kelr0110

Bite your tongue, lead by example.

^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd another for this.

When I was 387lbs, nobody could tell me anything and I would just get pissed off even if people tried to "help" in a nice way. It will just create a rift in the friendship. When I finally decided to get on the horse and get going was when I was ready and only then. I'm holding at 240 now and still have another 50 and have been messin around again - and again when people try to "advise" or "motivate" me I get pissed off LOL. Meanwhile my bestie went from wearing size L to size S - she motivates me and doesn't have to say anything. If i ask, she helps, otherwise seeing what she is doing is more than enough

lesspaul

I would enter into a conversation with her calling a truce. I won't say anything about your weight what you eat, and in return you will do the same regarding my exercise and what I eat.

lilncbrat

When she says something about your healthy lifestyle just ask her a simple question........"why would you make fun of my lifestyle when you know what it means to me? Do you not want me to realize the goals that I have set for myself?"

Get her to think.

anthonyzuc

Have her join MFP...it is so hard i agree with you...you might want to preface your confrontation big time...it might get ugly but it might turn out really well too. Is it worth the big time fight(s) you might have?

Natihilator

My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will.

This is true. I personally never found hearing 'do something about it' very motivating coming from other people. It has to come from inside her head.

That being said, if she is putting you down and it's effecting you, either don't talk about diet/fitness stuff with her, or call her out on her negativity because that's bull****. And true friends call eachother on their bull****.

MinnieInMaine

I agree with the advice to say "please don't talk about my friend that way" when she is bashing herself. If she continues then maybe think about having a more serious conversation about how her self bashing really bums you out because you think she's a great person for x, y, z reasons.

As many others have already said, and you've obviously already realized, there's not really anything you can do to motivate her. I was that overweight friend for many years and although my friend offered help and I took her up on it a few times, it took for me to get to the right place to really get this weight loss thing started. You can't do that for her, she has to do it for herself. Just let her know you're there for her when she's ready.

As for her bashing you, that's going to require a conversation too. Politely ask her to stop and let her know it bothers you/hurts your feelings. She might get ticked off but you're obviously getting ticked off by her insults and have every right to stand up for yourself. Don't let her continue to manipulate you. And if she does continue, well I'd had to start reconsidering the friendship.

dmpizza

I tend to see the worst in peoples' motives.

My Grandmother used to say "No one tells you to wash your face so you will look better than they do".

Your friend would prefer you gave it up and fattened up like her for the simple reason that it is easier for her and she would feel better about herself.

You shouldn't end your friendship, but you might consider expanding your circle.

Rhonnie

Just say that she told you she was happy how she was and you left her alone, now you want to tell her that you are happy they way you are so she needs to leave you alone.

taylorckt1

Pray for her...everyone reaches their point (to make changes) at different times and sometimes they need US to shut up and justl ead by example...do share with her that you don't like it when she puts herself down or makes unhealthy choices around you and you won't participate in that but it should stop there. Also, tell her that is offensive to you when she makes a joke of what you are doing. Explain that friends should be there to support one another and if you all are to remain freinds, that is the expectation.

Hope all goes well..I understand what you are going through.

MaryRegs

Bite your tongue, lead by example

THIS^^^^^

jkestens63

Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."

Perfect!! Eveyone MYOB when it comes to weight.

anthonyzuc

Yeah but if its worth the fight then do it

shelaneydae

The truth hurts. Some people need help to realize it. Put on a presentation. Run over the conversation a few times in your head. And tell her whats up. Only go through with it all if you're willing to help her the whole way. Just be completely realistic about the whole thing.

bregalad5

I made excuses for YEARS as I slowly put on 100+ pounds.

-I'm muscly under all the fat (which is partly true - apparently I've never looked like I weigh as much as I do).

-I'm healthy. I had a tiny problem for a little bit with my blood pressure, but leaving my high-stress job made that go back to normal.

-I have bad knees (as you can see from the knee braces in my profile picture) and fibromyalgia, two ready-made excuses. I can't always do hours at the gym, because my body can't always handle it, and sometimes certain things (like lunges and squats - I try to do them but I struggle) make my knees go CRUNCH! For example, the other day at the gym I had to stop mid-workout to ice my knee so it wouldn't swell up like a basketball... But hey, I'm at least active, and not on disability, which I could probably get on if I wanted to. That's good enough, right? RIGHT?!

I know that friend because I was her. Some days I still slip into that mentality. Other days I honestly can't do much because of my knees or fibro. But, I also know damn well that I'm worth more than that and I try to make up for it on my good days. Having a super active job helps, because I'm forced to move even on days where I would normally lay around and moan that I hurt from my fibro.

I can't tell you how to get her started. For me, it was moving to Italy... unless you want to pay for her to live in Rome for a few months to kick-start her weight loss, I'm not sure what to tell you. Just know a lot of us were that person, and finally something inside our heads clicked and we realized we're worth more than the life we've been living

Debbe2

I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me What can I do?

You're being a great friend, both to yourself and to your best friend! I admire that! :flowerforyou: