Texting is NOT ENOUGH, Pick Up the Damned Phone!!

sugarandspice27

When it comes to the opposite gender, some people can more easily communicate through text. They can say exactly what they want to say without the anxiety of speaking on the phone. A text comes through clear, not fumbling around with words, stuttering...uhhhh...like.....and no awkward silences. For some, it is more comfortable and they can more easily ask someone out on a date. That could pose an opportunity for those people who might miss out on someone they really are interested in, but otherwise was too shy or afraid to call or ask in person. Just another point of view.

On the other hand, it makes it a lot easier for others to end relationships. I hate when they do it over text and even on the phone. If you're gonna end a relationship, thats wayyyy more personal and needs to be done in person.

The problem is, nuance is so hard to convey through something like a text message, never mind body language or pheromones, chemistry, tone. It makes me sad and this makes me feel like people don't know how to communicate anymore outside of technology.

lithezebra

My bet is that isn't the texting problem that's preventing you from finding "a man."

I think that there is a lot more to the decline in civility and manners than just texting. Even when I was dating, there was a culture of hookups that I found unappealing. So I dated older men who actually liked doing things together.

sugarandspice27

Simply put : texting has just become engrained in our society. It's what's considered the "norm." That being said, I do feel your frustration... I'm currently dating a guy that is much more comfortable texting than talking.

So I call him. And if the texting really bugs me ... I gently let him know that my preferred means of communication is actually SPEAKING to him. He's really cool with it.

If you do that hopefully the problem will be solved : if it isn't ... maybe he just isn't the right guy. The old-fashioned gentleman you speak of isn't extinct, but he's just harder to find these days.

So phone calls are old-fashioned and well-mannered and chivalrous (yes you didn't say that, but this thread implies it)..but texts are not? I'd be interesting in hearing the logic on this one. Rhetorical question, there is clearly no logic behind it. Riding your horse down a cobblestone street and asking the girl out in person in front of her father is old-fashioned. Phone calls are not old fashioned. And they are certainly no more 'old fashioned' and well mannered than texts.

I'm following your logic and I agree with it. However, historically, I haven't seen men use texting as a means to a date. More like something they can casually do when they get a moment and hope it leads to sex eventually. I would have no problem being asked out on a date through text, but I don't even think people date anymore as it is. I just don't think people go on formal dates. Period.

sugarandspice27

OOPS

sugarandspice27

OOPS

Dead_Darling

The bf and I hardly call each other, but we're always texting and when we do meet up, we can talk for hours on end lol

I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, and his job involves constantly being on the phone (works in a bank). I think the last time we spoke on the phone, it was me calling his workplace so he could sort out my account :laugh:

sugarandspice27

My bet is that isn't the texting problem that's preventing you from finding "a man."

I think that there is a lot more to the decline in civility and manners than just texting. Even when I was dating, there was a culture of hookups that I found unappealing. So I dated older men who actually liked doing things together.

Exactly.

Alex_is_Hawks

technology changes things....

i mean if you REALLY wanted to go back to the way things were, then he can either ask your parents if it's ok if he takes you out on a date ....or even further back...he can write your dad a letter asking for permission to take you out...

i mean really....times change....

it is what it is.

what about texting cancels out their sincerity and desire to spend time with you? what about a phone call makes it more real or more verifiable for you?

jus curious.

I prefer texting personally but that's me

This.

Nothing, nothing at all. But if the texts lead nowhere... then it's just a cycle of texting until somebody texts a naked picture? I mean is that the game?

God I hope not.

My boyfriend and I text and only text. I've only ever called him twice and both times it was because I had left my keys in his car. We exclusively text and we have meaningful conversations.

Why is it the media that is getting blamed for the conversation leading nowhere? Again jus curious.

We have never had a circular conversation that "went nowhere" via text. Not once.

But perhaps that's because i'm deaf.

I just don't see how the means of communication are the issue here. I just don't.

seventwenty

I'm 31, been off the market for many years and now just recently back on and the degraded state of dating is really disappointing, to the point I really don't even want to do it at all. Since when is solely texting an acceptable means of communication? Whatever happened to the good old days when a man actually picked up a phone and asked a girl on a date? Now it just seems like a never ending cycle of texting. And what happened to dating? It seems like men don't ask women on legit dates anymore. And why does the conversation turn to sexual innuendo so quickly? Is this what we've become reduced to as a society? I feel like finding an attractive, responsible, respectful man, interested in getting to know my mind and willing to take me out on a real date is like trying to find a purple unicorn.

I understand that women are expected to do things like call the guy first and ask him out but I really don't like the tone that sets for the relationship. Call me old fashioned, but I appreciate traditional gender roles in which the man COURTS the woman. Courtship seems dead. Now it's, meet, text, hook up. WTF is that mess? Yeah, I guess I'm jaded with the new man-child I see around me. Are all the good ones snatched up by their 30s?

EDIT: Let me clarify: I LIKE texting! I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But if that's the ONLY way we communicate, I have a problem with this. And when I said, Pick up the phone, it could be for 5 minutes, just to say "Hi, how was your day? Want to grab a drink?". I mean, is this absurd?

In the book "He's Just Not That Into You" the author states that if a guy is really interested in you, he will call.

I read that after a few failed dating attempts. It rings very true.

I did. Saw the movie and I'm a believer. I believe that is a guy is really into a girl, he will get over whatever issues he has with picking up the phone, anxiety, etc, get his balls together and CALLS HER. So. Then they're not into me would be the next assumed answer. I can handle that... if I were the initiator. Since all the men I meet initiate contact (I'm old fashioned -- I don't make the first move), then I can only assume that they are, in fact, into me.

God. Stop. Getting relationship advice from books and movies is terrible. Also, what's stopping you from calling him? Some misguided rules about "courtship?"

Dona_Maria

I'd rather a text, guess i'm strange like that. It annoys me when my phone rings, unless it's someone I agreed to talk to.

Agreed, I hate talking on the phone and theres always an awkward silence lol

I get what she's trying to say BUT I'm in the same boat I hate the silent awkwardness and prefer texting. I dunno both are good but for me texting works.

MzFyreKitty

There are plenty of guys that still like to talk on the phone and go on dates, you just have to look for them. Bars are probably not the best place to find a great guy (tho you might find one, but makes it harder when a lot of men AND women go to bars to "score" , unfortunately). Try going to clubs/classes/events that you are interested in which a man might also be interested. If you are spiritual or religious go to that type place, if you are into sports go to a game, and while I met my perfect husband 20 years ago online, It seems to be a lot of crazy ppl looking around on like these days (like that idiot that met the Hawaiian football player and pretended to be a girl, that type thing has been going on for years). Do you have a home phone number? Maybe only give perspective dates that number for a while? We don't have to make ourselves so accessible, if a guy really wants to get in touch ... he will keep trying! IF they want just a "booty call" they will move on elsewhere quickly.

Hey, also did you see (think it was "Sex in the City" episode) where they had a party where everyone brought one of their exes that was a nice guy that just didn't work out for you? Get a bunch of girlfriends together and have that type of party, someone else's frog might be your Prince!

Best of luck to you!

PS: It's perfectly fine to tell men you don't really like to just text and you're not a booty call (say it in a subtle and nice way, of course). I never liked playing games and EVERYONE encouraged me to do that when I was younger. I wanted a man who liked the real me and not someone I pretended to be to "catch" him. Worked out great for me and I am very happy with my hubby and he with me:) While most of my friends that played games are very miserable or divorced:(

sugarandspice27

DAMN IT I HAVE PROBLEMS

trojanbb

Simply put : texting has just become engrained in our society. It's what's considered the "norm." That being said, I do feel your frustration... I'm currently dating a guy that is much more comfortable texting than talking.

So I call him. And if the texting really bugs me ... I gently let him know that my preferred means of communication is actually SPEAKING to him. He's really cool with it.

If you do that hopefully the problem will be solved : if it isn't ... maybe he just isn't the right guy. The old-fashioned gentleman you speak of isn't extinct, but he's just harder to find these days.

So phone calls are old-fashioned and well-mannered and chivalrous (yes you didn't say that, but this thread implies it)..but texts are not? I'd be interesting in hearing the logic on this one. Rhetorical question, there is clearly no logic behind it. Riding your horse down a cobblestone street and asking the girl out in person in front of her father is old-fashioned. Phone calls are not old fashioned. And they are certainly no more 'old fashioned' and well mannered than texts.

I'm following your logic and I agree with it. However, historically, I haven't seen men use texting as a means to a date. More like something they can casually do when they get a moment and hope it leads to sex eventually. I would have no problem being asked out on a date through text, but I don't even think people date anymore as it is. I just don't think people go on formal dates. Period.
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Given your recent thread covering your troubles in finding an introverted man, like yourself...all I can say is, good luck. You want an introverted or shy man, you admit you are introverted and shy, and yet you place a host of qualifications on your potential partner which effectively rule out most of those men you claim to be seeking.

And you don't think people go on formal dates these days? The problem here clearly isn't phone vs txt. It's your inexperience with dating and unwillingness to date. No offense meant in the slightest. But I can assure you people still go on formal dates...even dates arranged via txt.

vtmoon

I think it's better to get the sex out of the way. Then you can focus on the relationship rather than applying mathmatical formula to when is the appropriate time to have sex with them.

This is what I (used to) do and apparently, that makes me slutty.

I always thought the purpose of a date was to see whether enough chemistry existed between two people for sex to be possible in the future. I mean, if you dig down underneath it all and ignore the hope for a broader emotional connection, that's a major element.. I'd venture to say *the* major element. So what's the idea behind a hookup, "meet someone, find them generally agreeable, find a quiet place to screw, then figure out if you want to see them again"? This feel like a really subversive misogynistic agenda that women are actually BUYING INTO, especially considering the fact that once you have sex with a person, you start CHEMICALLY BONDING to them by way of oxytocin, and woman in much, much greater amounts than men.

I'm just exploring the meaning of social rituals. I'm NOT against technology. I'm NOT against sex. I happen to love both in the proper context.

Guys love sex, we can all agree on that. You know how depressing it is to meet someone with an amazing/perfect personality for you, just to find out later they suck (actually don't) and aren't willing to learn/explore. So if a lot of chemistry happens before the sex and then no chemistry during that is a big blow for guys, cause to us we already like you a lot to invest that much time.

The older we get also the less old fashioned/quality guys are left, from surviving my friends the old fashioned ones were grabbed early on. And like someone mentioned old fashioned guys who aren't married are like high school cheerleaders everyone wants them, so they get to be choosy since they have their act together.

Others mentioned using dating sites, I personally think that it's not a bad idea if you know what you want. Cause according to you, the men are attracted to you just not the ones you want.

Cliffslosinit

If I've got your number 8/10 times I'm gonna text instead of call....I hate talking on the phone.....and lots of times you can text when you are not able to call. (work, etc)

NOT TRUE!! He never txt or calls!

I don't have your number.....Don't act like it's my fault.

Withholding your number--Reported

seventwenty

There are plenty of guys that still like to talk on the phone and go on dates, you just have to look for them.

This.

pastryari

I think by putting such narrow rules on dating, you're limiting yourself. Sometimes when you least expect it, it happens. Sometimes all the requirements you thought you needed, don't matter anymore. I don't think texting makes a conversation any less meaningful. I'm so glad I'm not dealing with all the rules and game playing required to date nowadays. I would have no idea how to even begin to attempt to date.

saxmaniac

This feel like a really subversive misogynistic agenda that women are actually BUYING INTO, especially considering the fact that once you have sex with a person, you start CHEMICALLY BONDING to them by way of oxytocin, and woman in much, much greater amounts than men.

The latter half of that sentence make sense, bonding is a real thing, but really... consensual sex is somehow misogynistic?

Women can make their own decisions and deal with the consequences, and thus choose between casual, relationship sex, anything in between, or both at the same time. Nobody needs to make that decision for them. Unless you want someone regulating who you can sleep with, via either social (guilt/shame) or legal means, then people are going to choose different things. It wasn't long ago that this was the way things worked.

It's up to you to manage your bonding, not someone else. Calling it misogynistic is to say that women aren't capable of that.

seventwenty

I think by putting such narrow rules on dating, you're limiting yourself.

Winner winner chicken dinner.

lithezebra

I'm nervous about the phone too. The last "friend" who wanted to talk on the phone wanted to do something completely inappropriate on the other end. The world has gone bonkers.