need relationship advice
Ok, I know this is not the right place to go, but I really have nowhere else to go. I think I have one friend IRL and she has a very busy three year old attached to her, so not much time to actually talk. I also realize a therapist would be much more helpful, and I've wanted to start therapy many times, but it just never happens. We have moved too much and by the time I feel settled down enough to find one we move again. I was just ready to find one here (and we've only been here a year), but a couple of months ago my DH lost his job. So, no more insurance... Ok, just explaining why I'm posting here for feedback.
This is about my marriage. I don't know what to do anymore... I am a very quiet, serious, kinda shy person with low self esteem and little self-respect. I am also extremely non-confrontational, so I usually just eat up whatever makes me mad or frustrated and don't say anything, or make just a small comment. My DH knows that (he told my daughter that I used to have such low self confidence that I couldn't make any decisions on my own and he told her that I am extremely non-confrontational).
Anyway, the marriage just feels blah. I am on anti-depressants (managed to find a psychiatrist just before dh lost his job...), I am unhappy, I feel extremely lonely. I feel like I am a single mom of three, living with a roommate, not a husband/father of the kids.
I feel like I do everything at home. I clean, cook, do the shopping, take care of whatever the kids need, take care of DH. I bring him coffee, lunch (used to be on weekends when he was working, now pretty much every day), etc. I now also work part time from home. People say the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it. I feel like I've been watering and fertilizing for years, but it's a desert.
All he does all day is play on the computer (used to be just after work, obviously, but now all day). He usually has his headphones on and talks to the people he plays with more than his family. I can't say anything to him unless I stand in front of him and yell his name first. If he "plays" with the kids, they usually end up crying. He doesn't help with anything. Never brings me a coffee. I even told him once that it would be so nice to receive a coffee sometimes for a change, and that I expect to be brought a coffee at least twice a year (mother's day and my bday); that hasn't happened yet...lol.
I married him because he accepted me with my daughter (I had a daughter that was two and a half when I met him and he ended up adopting her), he played with her, he did stuff with us, he was always fixing something on the weekends or building stuff. I had come out of a very bad marriage, which was emotionally (and sexually) abusive. What I wanted was somebody nice who wouldn't yell at me and call me names. My current dh never called me names or put me down. However, he also never compliments me (biggest compliment when we were dating was "you look nice"). When I say something negative about myself he says "whatever you say, dear". I told him once he was the best looking guy I had ever dated. No response from him. Now, dh doesn't fix stuff anymore (I told him week after week that some lightbulbs needed changing until I finally did it). He hardly pays any attention to the kids. My oldest (the one from my previous marriage) can't stand him anymore and has told me so repeatedly. She says I deserve better. She's 13 and, I realize, knows everything...
There also hasn't been any sex in over 4 years. We've been married a little over 9 years; is that normal? He never goes to sleep when I go to sleep and often falls asleep on the couch watching tv or stays up all night playing his game and then sleeps during the day.
I just started working from home last week. He asked how it went and as soon as I said "it went well", he put his headphones back on, no time to say anything else. The next day he grabbed the guitar as soon as he asked and started practicing (and he hasn't played in like two years). He asked again later on or the next day and I started telling him in more detail, but when I looked at him he had his headphones on and didn't even look at me when I stopped in mid-sentence. I was so frustrated, I cried. Like he'd notice... This was one of the few times I said anything to him. I can't communicate how upset it made me, I just asked him to do me a favor and only ask about my day if he actually wants to know. If he's not interested, dont' ask. He just said "yes, dear".
I know this is mostly my fault because I'm so bad at communicating when I'm upset. I just keep bringing him coffee, or food, even though I'm mad he's on the computer. If I don't bring him lunch and he gets hungry (or gets a snack), he always gets it for himself and doesn't ask if anybdoy else wants anything. I never get food (especially lunch) unless I make sure everybody else is fed and happy.
He just sits on the computer, or the couch, hands in his pants (what is that about? he says he gets itchy where the rubberband is on the legs, but I just think it's gross... and makes his hands stink). To me he just seems so self-centered. I don't work a whole lot, but it would mean the world to come downstairs and the dishes are done, or he plays with the kids or something. BTW my two other kids are ages 9 and 5. My 9yo has no school in April (year round school), so he's home. But DH puts them in front of the tv or x-box and plays his game. When I'm done, I go take them outside, ride a bike, go for a walk or the park, etc.
Gah, I don't even really know why I'm writing on here. Maybe I just have to vent. I know a stranger can't really give advice after reading a few paragraphs that are one-sided. I just feel sooo lonely. Some days I just feel like I'm done. Without me the kids would probably go to the grandparents, and they may be better off there anyways. No more moving around at least (we've moved like every 3 years and I'm sure we'll have to move again soon).
Right now most of you will think "communicate" with him, tell him what's wrong. But first of all, I'm horrible at that. I hate criticizing somebody. I can never say everything I want to. I always think everything is my fault anyways. But also, I want him to WANT to do nice things for me, not do them because I told him to. If I SAYI need a compliment every once in a while or have him do something for me, it doesn't really count anymore if he does it. Some days I think I should just call it quits and leave since I'm miserable, other days I think it's all my fault and I need to fix it somehow.
I've actually thought about leaving for many years (pathetic, I know). Basically every time we move. I figure that's a good time because the house has to be sold anyways. We don't fight or argue, so it's not like I'm in a really uncomfortable situation. Like I said, it's like having a lazy roommate.
If there is actually anybody left still reading this, I'm amazed, and appreciate it greatly. If anybody has any advice, it's appreciated!
thanks
This is about my marriage. I don't know what to do anymore... I am a very quiet, serious, kinda shy person with low self esteem and little self-respect. I am also extremely non-confrontational, so I usually just eat up whatever makes me mad or frustrated and don't say anything, or make just a small comment. My DH knows that (he told my daughter that I used to have such low self confidence that I couldn't make any decisions on my own and he told her that I am extremely non-confrontational).
Anyway, the marriage just feels blah. I am on anti-depressants (managed to find a psychiatrist just before dh lost his job...), I am unhappy, I feel extremely lonely. I feel like I am a single mom of three, living with a roommate, not a husband/father of the kids.
I feel like I do everything at home. I clean, cook, do the shopping, take care of whatever the kids need, take care of DH. I bring him coffee, lunch (used to be on weekends when he was working, now pretty much every day), etc. I now also work part time from home. People say the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it. I feel like I've been watering and fertilizing for years, but it's a desert.
All he does all day is play on the computer (used to be just after work, obviously, but now all day). He usually has his headphones on and talks to the people he plays with more than his family. I can't say anything to him unless I stand in front of him and yell his name first. If he "plays" with the kids, they usually end up crying. He doesn't help with anything. Never brings me a coffee. I even told him once that it would be so nice to receive a coffee sometimes for a change, and that I expect to be brought a coffee at least twice a year (mother's day and my bday); that hasn't happened yet...lol.
I married him because he accepted me with my daughter (I had a daughter that was two and a half when I met him and he ended up adopting her), he played with her, he did stuff with us, he was always fixing something on the weekends or building stuff. I had come out of a very bad marriage, which was emotionally (and sexually) abusive. What I wanted was somebody nice who wouldn't yell at me and call me names. My current dh never called me names or put me down. However, he also never compliments me (biggest compliment when we were dating was "you look nice"). When I say something negative about myself he says "whatever you say, dear". I told him once he was the best looking guy I had ever dated. No response from him. Now, dh doesn't fix stuff anymore (I told him week after week that some lightbulbs needed changing until I finally did it). He hardly pays any attention to the kids. My oldest (the one from my previous marriage) can't stand him anymore and has told me so repeatedly. She says I deserve better. She's 13 and, I realize, knows everything...
There also hasn't been any sex in over 4 years. We've been married a little over 9 years; is that normal? He never goes to sleep when I go to sleep and often falls asleep on the couch watching tv or stays up all night playing his game and then sleeps during the day.
I just started working from home last week. He asked how it went and as soon as I said "it went well", he put his headphones back on, no time to say anything else. The next day he grabbed the guitar as soon as he asked and started practicing (and he hasn't played in like two years). He asked again later on or the next day and I started telling him in more detail, but when I looked at him he had his headphones on and didn't even look at me when I stopped in mid-sentence. I was so frustrated, I cried. Like he'd notice... This was one of the few times I said anything to him. I can't communicate how upset it made me, I just asked him to do me a favor and only ask about my day if he actually wants to know. If he's not interested, dont' ask. He just said "yes, dear".
I know this is mostly my fault because I'm so bad at communicating when I'm upset. I just keep bringing him coffee, or food, even though I'm mad he's on the computer. If I don't bring him lunch and he gets hungry (or gets a snack), he always gets it for himself and doesn't ask if anybdoy else wants anything. I never get food (especially lunch) unless I make sure everybody else is fed and happy.
He just sits on the computer, or the couch, hands in his pants (what is that about? he says he gets itchy where the rubberband is on the legs, but I just think it's gross... and makes his hands stink). To me he just seems so self-centered. I don't work a whole lot, but it would mean the world to come downstairs and the dishes are done, or he plays with the kids or something. BTW my two other kids are ages 9 and 5. My 9yo has no school in April (year round school), so he's home. But DH puts them in front of the tv or x-box and plays his game. When I'm done, I go take them outside, ride a bike, go for a walk or the park, etc.
Gah, I don't even really know why I'm writing on here. Maybe I just have to vent. I know a stranger can't really give advice after reading a few paragraphs that are one-sided. I just feel sooo lonely. Some days I just feel like I'm done. Without me the kids would probably go to the grandparents, and they may be better off there anyways. No more moving around at least (we've moved like every 3 years and I'm sure we'll have to move again soon).
Right now most of you will think "communicate" with him, tell him what's wrong. But first of all, I'm horrible at that. I hate criticizing somebody. I can never say everything I want to. I always think everything is my fault anyways. But also, I want him to WANT to do nice things for me, not do them because I told him to. If I SAYI need a compliment every once in a while or have him do something for me, it doesn't really count anymore if he does it. Some days I think I should just call it quits and leave since I'm miserable, other days I think it's all my fault and I need to fix it somehow.
I've actually thought about leaving for many years (pathetic, I know). Basically every time we move. I figure that's a good time because the house has to be sold anyways. We don't fight or argue, so it's not like I'm in a really uncomfortable situation. Like I said, it's like having a lazy roommate.
If there is actually anybody left still reading this, I'm amazed, and appreciate it greatly. If anybody has any advice, it's appreciated!
thanks
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Replies
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No. I say leave the *kitten*. no sex in 4 years? He's either gay and getting it from his bf or straight and finding a way to get it from someone else, either way he is getting it and not inviting you to the party.
I actually feel sad reading this. But I will say if you're going to live the life of a single mom that doesn't get laid you might as well be single so you can maybe find someone that does care about you enough to support you.
The fact that he makes the kids cry when he plays with them is the biggest reason I say RUN. That And no sex for four years0 -
I honestly don't think the marriage is fix-able because it seems like you settled to begin with. Your daughter is right, you deserve someone better, but first and foremost you needed to pick up the pieces from your previous marriage before settling for this guy.
I know you have a hard time with confrontation but I promise you it will be the best decision of your life for you and your children. If it helps, write a letter first and read it to him, or just even leave it on his desk by the computer. Neither of you want to be in this marriage, but I think he is getting the better end because you are doing everything for him.
Good luck and I hope you can find happiness :flowerforyou:
(edit: I've watched this scenario play out with parents and it was absolutely devastating for me and my sister...they are still together but its so toxic that neither of us like to visit for more than a day)0 -
As a former computer gamer I'm rather familiar with this situation. Here's the deal: he also thinks that the marriage has turned blah, so playing computer games is his escape. Whenever he's in the game, he forgets all his real life troubles, it's somewhat comparable to drug addiction. If he has different sleeping schedule with you, naturally it's not conducive to sex. He still gets his sex though (as a normal man can hardly go 4 years without sex), but I bet he gets it through porn.
I'm afraid this is beyond what you two can discuss between yourselves. You need a marriage counselor, so unless you're ready to bail, you need to find a way to afford one.0 -
Wow, i got more responses than I thought already. Thank you all for responding!
When he plays with the kids and they cry, he usually "fights" them (practicing jiu jitsu, play fighting), but he doesn't usually let them win, or puts them in choke holds or something, and they get frustrated. Or he tells my youngest to give him a hug and a kiss and she refuses, so he basically holds her until she does, which of course makes her cry. Or he just yells at them when they're loud, etc
The sex thing... I wonder if he has ED... not a very nice topic, but I wonder... I remember when my son (now 9) was a few months old, I often felt it was my "responsibility" to start the action so to speak, since he wouldn't. But he often said he was too tired, or he had problems, erm... rising to the occasion. After being turned down like 3 times in a row, and some times of not being able to perform, I told him I wouldnt' start it anymore. To be honest, I think I may have watched more porn than he has in the last four years (blush), even if that wasn't a lot... Don't really think he had an affair, he seems just uninterested in sex. He basically never leaves the house since he lost his job. Obviously I have no idea if he ever did something when he was working, but I don't really think so. We went on a one week vacation without kids. It was relaxing and enjoyable, but even then there was no sex.
Since I am almost always home when he is home I do not believe he is doing anything inappropriate with the kids. I have talked to them about inappropriate touching, and about talking to me if anybody, no matter who, ever touched them.
Gaming is addictive. He always played a little, but it started getting bad when he started with World of Warcraft (or when I noticed him playing it). Me, trying to be understanding and a good wife, started playing with him. I wanted to share something with him. It took me a long time to get into it (and not get dizzy with the way the camera moves), but I played a lot too. But I don't loose track of time and play all day, or forget to pick the kids up from school, or forget to feed them etc. The games are fun, it's easy to escape reality with them, and I make friends easier online than irl. I have in the past asked him not to play that much, so he watched tv instead or read. He can read through anything, kids asking him stuff, etc, without looking up...
anyway, thanks all again for your input. I really appreciate it!0 -
Do you have anywhere else to go? Like family or family friends who would take you and your kids in? If not, do you make enough to afford a 2 bedroom apt? If I were you I'd get out ASAP! He is giving you absolutely nothing and taking everything. Not only is it not fair to you but it's not fair to the kids.0
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Try marriage counseling. Honestly, he sounds depressed and in a rut. And you sound depressed, too. Individual counseling and the two of you together will probably be a huge help to both of you. It's easy to throw in the towel and say it's over, but at least give it a shot. He also might have low testosterone levels, leaving him completely uninterested in sex.0
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He is addicted to something. Gaming, drugs, sex, *kitten*.
I'm concerned about the kids. Have you talked to them about appropriate and inappropriate touching. He could be sexing your kids.
Furthermore, you need Jesus. 4 years no sex and he lost his job. Are you in that type of denial?????
That's not low self esteem. That's total lack of self respect. I'm pretty sure you need a talk therapist. Maybe he's boning your one friend. Cz if she hasn't told you to bounce; she not your friend.
^^ 100% agree u need Jesus and a counselor..I have been married 7 years this July to my husband and I was married at 19. Our marriage had everything that could be wrong in it. I finally snapped and said I want a divorce and we got the paper and both signed it but could not go from their. I then turned to my church and got help from the pastor and went to a counselor that did it by using God to be the main focus. My marriage has been 100% saved and my husband and I love each other so much. God made us be able to understand we are human and make mistakes and we can speak to one another with love and respect...your marriage is fixable but its going to be one hell of a haul to get it to be right.. you have to ask yourself are you committed and He needs to ask himself is he committed...If one says NO, then really you need to step up and pray to God and leave Him ( or whoever is a no ) to God.. My husband starting out was all against it and would refuse and everything, so I turned my negative away from him and prayed to God and just went about being a wife and not being a huge *****y nag like I use to and God smacked my husband down to his knees and made him see that the only issue in the marriage now was himself and to note men can be humbled before God. God is an amazing being who will do all he can for us... Sorry for God filled rant but HE has done so much for me.
I will pray for you 
Also note! wasn't just my hubby with issues I had some MAJOR ones myself. A marriage is a commitment of TWO people. Not just one 0 -
- 4 years no sex (no that's not normal)
- zero communication
- zero evidence of interest in communication
- zero niceness or human decency
- zero help at home
- the fact you've been wanting to leave for years
I am not hesitating to suggest leaving. Don't waste even more time in this. You deserve better than to be a maid to someone who doesn't, probably can't appreciate you for who you are.
Just because it's not as bad as the last one doesn't mean it's good or worth trying to save. It's better to be actually alone, so you can build a life on your terms. So you can make friends, so you don't feel so totally alone you're talking to strangers on the internet (but I'm glad you did because you have to put it somewhere). Maybe you might meet someone who WILL want to have sex & communicate & live with you as a partner. Maybe you will just be able to enjoy your life more. Either of those is better than this.
It sucks he lost his job, I sympathize with that, but this was obviously going on WAY before that happened.
Really good you started working. Are you in a position to leave yet? Could you work full-time, save for a few months, and go?
It's a cliche, because it is just true, that you only get one life. One chance to be in your 20s, 30s. Starting again is possible at any age, but why lose more time with this guy?
Check out this book if you're really teetering on the fence
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/04522753500 -
sounds like this man has no sensitivity, at all, to other people's emotions. i would not be hopeful about counselling.When he plays with the kids and they cry, he usually "fights" them (practicing jiu jitsu, play fighting), but he doesn't usually let them win, or puts them in choke holds or something, and they get frustrated. Or he tells my youngest to give him a hug and a kiss and she refuses, so he basically holds her until she does, which of course makes her cry. Or he just yells at them when they're loud, etcI never get food (especially lunch) unless I make sure everybody else is fed and happy.
you deserve to be fed (actually, emotionally) and happy.0 -
This is what I would suggest. IF you have any piece of you that wants to try to make this relationship work, you have to start communicating. Says "I am bad at confrontation" and "I would rather just not say anything" is why you are in the position that you are in. You need to stand up for yourself, whether its leaving or staying. It sounds to me like you just roll over, and give him whatever he wants no matter how terribly you are being treated.
So, you absolutely need to give him the "we need to talk" line. I think it would be best for you to maybe write down everything that you want to discuss ahead of time to make sure that your thoughts are premeditated, calm, clear and direct. You dont want to have there be any questions about what it is you want. Tell him exactly what you think is wrong with the relationship. Propose ways to fix it.
See what his reaction is. He might have concerns of his own or ideas about how these issues can be adressed. If you get little to no response from him, he has probably already (from the sound of things) checked out of the relationship already. He is most likely having his sexual needs met in other ways. He does not display any emotion, affection, sensitivity, or interest in your realtionship, let alone help around the house, communicate, etc.
It is natural to want to fix love when it goes wrong, but sometimes the circumstances are not right. Love is a two way street and there is only one lane open right now. I can understand why you might not want to leave him, because of financial needs or because of the children that you have together. Life is not easy and sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones to make. No one can tell you what to do, but I think you have a pretty good idea of what you want to do already. Best of luck.0 -
As a former computer gamer I'm rather familiar with this situation. Here's the deal: he also thinks that the marriage has turned blah, so playing computer games is his escape. Whenever he's in the game, he forgets all his real life troubles, it's somewhat comparable to drug addiction. If he has different sleeping schedule with you, naturally it's not conducive to sex. He still gets his sex though (as a normal man can hardly go 4 years without sex), but I bet he gets it through porn.
I'm afraid this is beyond what you two can discuss between yourselves. You need a marriage counselor, so unless you're ready to bail, you need to find a way to afford one.
I agree with this completely.
You can find counseling available on a sliding scale based on your income. It's usually offered through the city or county that you live in (at least in the US). You all have fallen into a very unhealthy pattern and you need to learn new ways to live together and communicate. It also sounds like your husband may be depressed, too.0 -
It sounds like he has depression to me0
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I am a former WOW player and it was all because it's very addictive and it was my escape from reality. My bf also played it and we spent 4y of our relationship ignoring eachother. We both managed to stop and things are now good.
He may do this because of depression, I don't think he can feel like the man of the house when he can't support his family. Your conflict avoiding style may give him the false impression that you no longer care
I was depressed and I know that you become an empty shell, nothing gives you pleasure(including sex), nothing moves you, you just don't care. All you want is to run away from reality. I went only for one therapy session and I was told that my WOW addiction was in fact good for me at that time. I did not understand why, but I stopped after a while and got happy.0 -
Did you say World of Warcraft? People call it warcrack because it's so addictive. You're dealing with the biggest and possibly the most addicting online computer game. Even at the peak of my gaming days I wouldn't touch WoW with a ten-foot pole because I knew I would be sucked in with little chance of escape. In the game he's a powerful warrior with awesome powers and cool weapons, surrounded by equally awesome companions. In real life he's an unemployed guy who can't get his mojo up. If you were him which world would you choose? Exactly.
He has to come out of it though, as it has gotten to the point where it's destroying his family. You need a family counselor. In the mean time check this out:
http://www.wowaholics.org/
By the way, his lack of ability to get it up is very likely tied to his depression for losing his job, compounded with instant gratification of porn.0 -
As a former computer gamer I'm rather familiar with this situation. Here's the deal: he also thinks that the marriage has turned blah, so playing computer games is his escape. Whenever he's in the game, he forgets all his real life troubles, it's somewhat comparable to drug addiction. If he has different sleeping schedule with you, naturally it's not conducive to sex. He still gets his sex though (as a normal man can hardly go 4 years without sex), but I bet he gets it through porn.
I'm afraid this is beyond what you two can discuss between yourselves. You need a marriage counselor, so unless you're ready to bail, you need to find a way to afford one.
I agree with this completely.
You can find counseling available on a sliding scale based on your income. It's usually offered through the city or county that you live in (at least in the US). You all have fallen into a very unhealthy pattern and you need to learn new ways to live together and communicate. It also sounds like your husband may be depressed, too.
Both of these statements are accurate. 100% he is indulging in adult content online. You NEED to explore marriage counseling. And he needs to be willing to do this with you. If he's not then there may be no hope here.0 -
Ok, so I might be the bad guy here...
Though it does sound like your husband has emotionally checked out (if he was ever "checked in" in the first place) it also sounds to me that you did settle to a degree - you left one bad marriage for one with stability even though he wasn't terribly attentive to you even in the early days.
Honest communication and/or a marriage counselor might be where you want to start to repair the relationship, but from what you've said it sounds like you need to work on you as well. You've admitted to having no self-esteem or no self-respect and with those two things in place he knows that no matter what bad behavior he exhibits, you're never going to do a darn thing about it. Case in point - you keep bringing him his coffee & food even though you're mad he's on the computer.
Hon, I don't say this to be mean - he may or may not change in the future - but if you choose to try to repair the marriage please also see what you can do to work through your self confidence issues. It's my belief that two people have to be confident with themselves before either can be a successful partner in a relationship, marriage, what have you. Best of luck to you.0 -
Whether or not you want to make it work, you're going to have to suck it up and start a serious conversation with him. I knowi it sucks, I hate having to have those kinds of talks too. Either my brain shuts down and I can't say what I want to or I get ticked off and end up saying stupid defensive things and derailing the whole point of the conversation.
So, first step is to print out what you've already posted, go over it, edit, make additional notes and prepare to have your talk with him. Second step is to figure out how it's going to play out if you both decide to just call it quits, just as a backup plan. If he's the kind of guy that goes off the handle or if he tries to ignore you again, just be prepared for that. The more prep and planning you can do before hand, the calmer and more focused you'll be. Then you can approach him.
if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Let them be your inspriration, motivation, etc.
Best of luck to you!0 -
can I ask what you ARE getting out of this relationship?
I mean sex, sadly comes and goes. I think that is cyclical like anything else.
But you also aren't getting companionship, support or anything.
I think you two both need individual therapy. AND couples therapy.0 -
I first want to say that this story is a common story known all around the world. You have the strength to percevere through this. First I am only suggesting the following. Live your life the way you want it for you and you only, You must take care of yourself first, kids second and DH third. Second get off the depressant medication its only making things worse. poeple in society want to believe that giving a simple pill will make you lose weight or feel better etc... The truth is that anything in life is not always easy and you must have to work hard to get where you need to be. I say get off meds, because if you choose to eat right, excersise regulary you will start to gain more confidence in yourself because excersise send endorphines throughout your body which make you feel good. If past people have hurt you, talk about that hurt, mourn deeply and heal quickly and I understand its easier said than done, but like I said life is not easy you have to work at. Now I dont know you a single bit, but to regain yourself please believe in yourself that you are worth every second of every day to be the most amazing person to yourself and no one esle first. Kids, DH work will always have to come second, you must be first. Lastly if you are not getting your needs met please speak very bluntly in a letter to DH how your needs are not being met and the cause and effect it has on you then put it somewhere where he will read it ie lunch box or his truck etc... Lastly if he is always on the computer or games, and this is an issue, get rid of the internet get rid of the games and you will no longer have the issue of him playing all the time. You have invested time, money and family with the DH and now its time for him to invest in you. I highly recommend a marriage enrichment course that can be free or little cost in your area. I dont agree with divorce because if you get a divorce your just becoming another satistic and our society doesnt need another number increasing. So to you I say this, You are worth it, Believe in you first, Do you first and work on you period.. I wish you nothing but great success. Sincerely a MFP friend.0
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Have you considered printing out what you just wrote to all of us strangers and handing it to him? If you have a difficult time talking, perhaps giving him something written will at least start a conversation.0
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I didn't read all the comments but I will throw my 2 cents in..
I understand you feel your living with a roommate, but one of the biggest stresses on a guy is when he loses his job and has a hard time finding another one.. he may shut off the outside world cause its hard to not be useful.. I did this in one of my relationships (not marriage or anything) when I was unemployed and it sounds like he kind of escapes to his video games and that.
Just have a talk, you need to express yourself and let him know.. I know you said you have low self esteem and don't like to be confrontational... but if you guys are low on money.. marriage counseling is just as much as a therapist.. just talk it out.0 -
Have you considered printing out what you just wrote to all of us strangers and handing it to him? If you have a difficult time talking, perhaps giving him something written will at least start a conversation.
He's not going to read it. Heck, I couldn't read it. If her dialogues are as long as that post, he's just withdrawing.0 -
I first want to say that this story is a common story known all around the world. You have the strength to percevere through this. First I am only suggesting the following. Live your life the way you want it for you and you only, You must take care of yourself first, kids second and DH third. Second get off the depressant medication its only making things worse. poeple in society want to believe that giving a simple pill will make you lose weight or feel better etc... The truth is that anything in life is not always easy and you must have to work hard to get where you need to be. I say get off meds, because if you choose to eat right, excersise regulary you will start to gain more confidence in yourself because excersise send endorphines throughout your body which make you feel good.
This is dangerous advice. The OP has seen a psychiatrist who feels that she will benefit from antidepressants. To suggest she go off from them a "fix" her depression with good food and exercise is irresponsible at the very least.0 -
I think it's time to stop being passive. I think you need to work on yourself to be able to help your husband, and your marriage. You shouldn't EVER feel too shy to speak up. Holding in your feelings constantly makes life miserable. Men are not psychics and they may not even notice that something is wrong with their partner, if you don't say anything.
I think it's time to take control of your life, be more assertive and be more confident.
Stop bringing him food and drinks. He's a grown man, and you're not his mom. If he wants some food, he can walk to the kitchen to get it himself. If you're cooking dinner, tell him that he has to do the dishes afterwards. If he wants to cook dinner, you'll do the same. It's about sharing the workload. If he doesn't want to help. he doesn't get the benefits. He doesn't feel like doing dishes? Oh OK - next time just make enough food for you and the kids, and he can fend for himself.
The computer addiction... you have to sit down and talk about. Tell him he's missing out on his children growing up. They deserve his love and attention. They won't be young forever - these years are important for building their character and helping them grow healthily. Set a limit, be stern. Tell him he's allowed 2 hours (or whatever) a day for his game. That is plenty when you have a family. You both deserve 'me-time', but it sounds like he's getting a lot more than you.
If he's not willing to change, split the workload, and work on his computer addiction - leave him. He's not worth it.0 -
Hes obviously not the one you're meant to be with. He doesn't seem to care about making the relationship work. Just break up.0
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Next time he gets on the computer punch him in the back of the head as hard as you can.0
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Hmm looks like he isnt in this anymore hun. Its easy to say dump him and move on. But if you want to work this out get him off the computer and tell him how you feel. This will sound strange but add some kink to your relationship. Its extremely selfish of him to be on the computer all the time. Get assertive and get that man in check or he will look for the easy out.0
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I married him because he accepted me with my daughter
this is the problem... i skipped the rest, though no sex in 4 years?! really!?
anyway, you should have married him because you love him and he loves you. no other reason is good enough.0 -
Think this through...cover all avenues of help(therapy,marriage counseling).
Then realize that getting out for the children's sake as well as your own is best.0 -
This is what I would suggest. IF you have any piece of you that wants to try to make this relationship work, you have to start communicating. Says "I am bad at confrontation" and "I would rather just not say anything" is why you are in the position that you are in. You need to stand up for yourself, whether its leaving or staying. It sounds to me like you just roll over, and give him whatever he wants no matter how terribly you are being treated.
So, you absolutely need to give him the "we need to talk" line. I think it would be best for you to maybe write down everything that you want to discuss ahead of time to make sure that your thoughts are premeditated, calm, clear and direct. You dont want to have there be any questions about what it is you want. Tell him exactly what you think is wrong with the relationship. Propose ways to fix it.
See what his reaction is. He might have concerns of his own or ideas about how these issues can be adressed. If you get little to no response from him, he has probably already (from the sound of things) checked out of the relationship already. He is most likely having his sexual needs met in other ways. He does not display any emotion, affection, sensitivity, or interest in your realtionship, let alone help around the house, communicate, etc.
It is natural to want to fix love when it goes wrong, but sometimes the circumstances are not right. Love is a two way street and there is only one lane open right now. I can understand why you might not want to leave him, because of financial needs or because of the children that you have together. Life is not easy and sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones to make. No one can tell you what to do, but I think you have a pretty good idea of what you want to do already. Best of luck.
This. You initially married him because he accepted your daughter, but now it looks like your daughter ain't very happy with her 'father' too. If you're not intending to work on it, then you're no different or even better off single.0
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