need relationship advice
Replies
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I would say print out what you typed. Give it to him. Let him discuss it with you.....or if he doesn't you need to get a plan to leave.0
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Reading your post was like living my life except I only had one child and my X was still working. I worked full time, ran the house, looked after our daughter as he was worse than useless. low self-esteem and being alienated from my family didn't help. We used to split most of our holiday time to keep childcare costs down, he also sat our daughter in front of the TV, he lay on the sofa in his underpants all day.There as a lot more stuff went on but you really don't need to know and I've dealt with it and put it in a box called the past.
I carried on like that until my daughter was 10, we had been married 15 years. Without warning I snapped and told him I'd had enough of this mental abuse and that I was a person with feeling's and deserved a bit of respect. He sulked and refused to talk to me for two weeks.This went on for a few months. Our daughter was practicing for her SAT's at school and no matter what I tried he started a row every time a test was due, I refused to give in, three months later he left me for someone else. Two days after my birthday.
To say that is was the Birthday Present of my lifetime would be an understatement. He then told me he was coming home that he'd made a mistake. I refused to let him and divorced him. He accused me of breaking up the family, the fact that he was living with another woman had completely escaped him. Since he has been gone, MY daughter has gained in self confidence is more outgoing and has bloomed without this negative Ned around her all the time.
The point of this is that You need to decide what is BEST for YOU first and your children second. This man from what you have written does nothing for you. If you feel unable to confront him, write it down and give it too him. If he still does nothing then you need to get rid of him, he is having a negative effect on you which in turn will go to your children. You don't need a man in your life to be you, you just need you. Make one more move to be closer to your family, you will need their support and then stay there, put down some roots and live YOUR LIFE how YOU want.
Good Luck and I hope it all works out for you X
P.S How you feel about you goes along way in how you see you, weight loss is never easy but feeling rubbish doesn't help.0 -
If you are bad with communication it's really something you need to work on and you both need to work on together. No relationship can be fixed if you don't actually talk about it. Communication is key! I'm terrible with communication as well however have learned over the years with husband how important it is.
I'm sorry for sounding mean but if my husband acted like yours he'd be out the door. A marriage is a partnership. If you are working and he's not, why are YOU making and bringing him food and coffee while he sits at a computer? He can get his own food if he's hungry. He can get his own coffee if he wants one. I would stop doing things for him if he doesn't want to help out.
I make meals for my husband. I pack him his lunch for work most days or I make him something to bring the next day to work isntead of his usual frozen meal. I do it because I want to. I am currently out of work and home all day so I see it as a way I can help him when he is the one to go out and work. I do the cleaning and such but he does help if I ask. He will also just clean if it needs to be done. He always asks if I need help with dinner or with whatever I am cleaning.
Can you guys go to a counsellor? That may help you either work out your issues or decide to end the marriage. You need to work out if you can fix the problems and if you both want to. If he has checked out already than unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it if he isn't willing to try and help the issue.
Don't even say something is your fault. You may be bad at communication however if he isn't bringing anything up and he isn't making an attempt than it's not your fault. Don't think that it is.
If you can't talk to him right now what about writing him a letter? Write down everything you have said here.. write down everything you are thinking and everything you are feeling. Seal it in an envelope with his name on it and leave it for him. If you can, go to a friend house or family members house for a day or two. Not only does it give you a chance to take a break and think about things but it gives him a chance to read your letter. It may help.0 -
I'll be honest up front and admit I didn't read everyone else's answers, so I'll apologize if I say the same thing someone else has already said.
The thing that jumps out at me is your lack of self-worth. Whether you stay with him or not, you need to start working on your vision of yourself. You are worthy! of whatever! Start small, with positive self-talk. Stand in front of the mirror and say good things to yourself. Too many of us stand in front of the mirror and are critical. It starts internally. This is going to take baby steps, just like weight loss. Look in the mirror and say, "I am worthy of (whatever)" Love, Appreciation, etc., or "I am good enough." Whatever your negative self-talk is, take very specific action in the opposite direction. If you are constantly telling yourself you are ugly, intentionally look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, or whatever your personal issue is.
You are created with a purpose. You have value. You are important. You are worthy. You are a precious being.
Psalm 139:13-15 For you, God, formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
I Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.0 -
I am no relationship expert, but it is obvious that you are both withdrawn from the relationship and it is a sign of depression. You really do need to go to therapy. Honestly, he is another child you're supporting and taking care of when he is supposed to be a support for you. No sex in four years? He is always gaming? Are your sure he doesn't have a cyber relationship?0
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Do you have anywhere else to go? Like family or family friends who would take you and your kids in? If not, do you make enough to afford a 2 bedroom apt? If I were you I'd get out ASAP! He is giving you absolutely nothing and taking everything. Not only is it not fair to you but it's not fair to the kids.
^This but here is why:
Not an easy ask, to leave someone when you have children. Some situations call for it, if they can not be worked out. The issue here is if you raise your children in this household remaining as it is, you are showing them that this is the way life/relationships are. Now this is not to say they will end up in one just like it, but there will be after effects of a chidlhood in a house with no love. (no love is not referring to you to your kids or even to your husband to your kids as I know there are two sides to every story)
At some point as a mother life is no longer about you and should be all about them. Leaving is hard, and seems to tough to actually do. You know in your heart if this is truly as bad as you have portrayed here. Make the right choice for your kids not for you.0 -
and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse....marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.
Well said!
no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.
i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.0 -
I first want to say that this story is a common story known all around the world. You have the strength to percevere through this. First I am only suggesting the following. Live your life the way you want it for you and you only, You must take care of yourself first, kids second and DH third. Second get off the depressant medication its only making things worse. poeple in society want to believe that giving a simple pill will make you lose weight or feel better etc... The truth is that anything in life is not always easy and you must have to work hard to get where you need to be. I say get off meds, because if you choose to eat right, excersise regulary you will start to gain more confidence in yourself because excersise send endorphines throughout your body which make you feel good.
This is dangerous advice. The OP has seen a psychiatrist who feels that she will benefit from antidepressants. To suggest she go off from them a "fix" her depression with good food and exercise is irresponsible at the very least.
I couldn't agree more. It is irresponsible to tell someone to get off of prescribed meds from a physician when we don't know her situation. What if she gets off and commits suicide? She should stay on the meds until the doctor tells her otherwise. If she wants to come off, it should be under a doctor's supervision.
I totally agree with this. I went off of mine several years ago just because I didn't want to take them anymore, and guess what. I had a major meltdown and my sister was contemplating putting me in the hospital. Unless you're her doctor, you shouldn't be making any suggestions regarding her medication.0 -
I went through something very similar to this with my husband ( 6 years ago) I actually felt like I was reading my story there for a minute. World of Warcraft is like crack to gamers, I know this because my husband has played, quits playing and now plays it again and every time I see differences in his personality when hes been playing it. I too played it and found after a few months is was taking over everything in my life, I stopped playing. I would (usually) never tell someone to give up on their marriage because I think that when you say those vows you sure as hell better mean it, marriage shouldn't be something you just pop in and out of but at the same time I believe marriage is 50/50 and it seems like your putting in all 100% and that isn't fair. Your kids are at the age to see all of this, to know what is right and wrong and your son is going to grow up thinking this is how he should treat women, your daughters are going to think this is how husbands should treat their wives, and they will settle. I don't know you but I know you don't want that life for your children. When I went through this with my hubby, I left. I caught him talking to other girls in the game, sexual conversations and he was always choosing that game over me and our family. I packed my stuff and went to my mothers, that opened his eyes. Leave. Wake him up, make him see your hurt, your problems and your frustrations. Your in this marriage too and his happiness is not all that matters. I am the most non confrontational person ever, but I have learned when it comes to my marriage and my kids, I will grow the biggest set of balls and lay into anyone including my hubby, do the same or leave for good. I'm sorry your going through this love, I know it sucks.0
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Have you considered printing out what you just wrote to all of us strangers and handing it to him? If you have a difficult time talking, perhaps giving him something written will at least start a conversation.
He's not going to read it. Heck, I couldn't read it. If her dialogues are as long as that post, he's just withdrawing.
This is needlessly harsh. OP, do not be discouraged by this comment. I know it's easy to hook on to one negative criticism and forget anything positive you've ever heard. I read your whole comment, and I felt for you.
My own thoughts are these: you say you're lonely and you've thought about leaving for years, but you haven't left, perhaps not only because of financial issues or because of the kids, but because you're afraid you'll be even _lonelier_ on your own. But I can attest to the fact that sometimes having someone around who you can't communicate with or relate to can make you feel lonelier than you ever could on your own. Being on your own can be liberating: instead of chasing after the same person who sounds like he couldn't be less interested, you can broaden your world, meet new people, learn how to keep yourself company and how to make yourself happy. You can spend time on yourself first, rather than spending all of it on someone who refuses to reciprocate. Once that happens, I think you'll find you have a much easier time feeling self-confident. And from there, who knows? The world is open to you.0 -
and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse....marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.
Well said!
no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.
i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.
Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.0 -
i'm not saying either way whether or not she should leave. in fact, i purposefully made no comment at all.
and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse....marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.
Well said!
no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.
i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.
Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.
what she describes, whether she is in denial or not, is an appalling way to treat children. whatever she decides to do, her number one priority should be protecting her children, whether that's laying down the law or walking out the door. those kids are far more important than her marriage.
her remaining silent doesn't excuse him putting little kids in choke holds until they cry. if she never spoke to him for a decade, his doing that to the kids would be his responsibility.
work at the touchy feely stuff all you want. AFTER you make sure he never treats your kids like that again. and i have zero respect for the opinion of anyone who would argue to the contrary.0 -
DO NOT give up. This IS fixable. You'd be AMAZED at how the Lord can mend and heal anything. First you must fully seek him. Pray and ask for your eyes to be opened. He will lead you in the right direction. Contact a local Pastor and seek their help...biblical help. Marriage is NOT to be talent lightly. It is not something you toss aside. It's a deep meaningful vow. This change, people change, life happens. There are seasons and trials in EVERY marriage. Some harder than others. I know it can feel lonely, hopeless and pointless at times but it is not. There IS hope. You need to kindly, lovingly address the issues at hand. He truly May not realize how you are feeling or seeing the relationship. Ask him to attend a counseling through a church with you. Seek out EVERY Godly option. There are also some GREAT books out there that will open your eyes. Please message me if you would like to talk more. Do not give up hope. I will pray over this for you!0
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I hate to say it, but first and foremost, you should not have married him when you hadn't fully recovered from your first marriage. He was already at a disadvantage because whether you know it or not, you are subconsciously comparing your current husband to your ex. I can't tell if you love your current husband. It seems like you tolerate each other and had more children together because that's what married couples "are supposed to do".
As someone who will be getting married this year and having seen what a situation like yours has done to my parents (i.e. the gaming and putting up with everything else), my fiance is FULLY AWARE that I won't tolerate it. My fiance and I are a TEAM, something we agreed on very early on when we got serious. Did you have conversations like that before you got married?
Granted, relationships are hard work and it's not always easy to talk to someone who knows you so intimately, but you should NOT be afraid to speak your mind. Like many others have said, you need counseling of your own. Before you even talk about marriage counseling with your husband, you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST with him about how you feel. Don't hold anything back. I'm serious about that. Let yourself cry when you talk to him. Let him see how frustrated and alone you feel. He needs to know everything you're feeling in order for you to understand what he's feeling.
And your kids....your husband should not be bullying them. End of story. What kind of example does it set for them?0 -
i'm not saying either way whether or not she should leave. in fact, i purposefully made no comment at all.
and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse....marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.
Well said!
no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.
i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.
Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.
what she describes, whether she is in denial or not, is an appalling way to treat children. whatever she decides to do, her number one priority should be protecting her children, whether that's laying down the law or walking out the door. those kids are far more important than her marriage.
her remaining silent doesn't excuse him putting little kids in choke holds until they cry. if she never spoke to him for a decade, his doing that to the kids would be his responsibility.
work at the touchy feely stuff all you want. AFTER you make sure he never treats your kids like that again. and i have zero respect for the opinion of anyone who would argue to the contrary.
Well then for the sake of her children, she needs to find her voice, doesn't she?? She needs to stop saying I don't like confrontation and when she sees her husband doing something that she makes her children cry, then she needs to act as their mother and their protector and tell him that the behavior is unacceptable. And if it continues and he is truly being abusive and hurting their chidren she needs to do whatever it takes to protect them.
I DO NOT condone anyone one "choke holding" their children until they cry and in no way condone abuse of a child. If anyone every hurt my kids, I would be out the door in a 2.5 seconds, but that is my job as their mother, to protect them. If she truly believes that her children are being abused or hurt in a way she feels is not okay, she needs to step up and either stop the situation or walk on out the door.0 -
I honestly don't think the marriage is fix-able because it seems like you settled to begin with.
Exactly. You outright state you married him becuase he accept you and your daughter. That start spells disaster really.
Everything else is inconsequential.0 -
As a former computer gamer I'm rather familiar with this situation. Here's the deal: he also thinks that the marriage has turned blah, so playing computer games is his escape. Whenever he's in the game, he forgets all his real life troubles, it's somewhat comparable to drug addiction. If he has different sleeping schedule with you, naturally it's not conducive to sex. He still gets his sex though (as a normal man can hardly go 4 years without sex), but I bet he gets it through porn.
I'm afraid this is beyond what you two can discuss between yourselves. You need a marriage counselor, so unless you're ready to bail, you need to find a way to afford one.
I tend to agree with this poster. My current SO was a gamer when I met him, so I was aware. I just didn't know how bad it was. I figured once we moved in together, my kids and I would be priority number 1. Not so, although he has a job, most of the hours at work and at home were spent on the computer, gaming, chatting surfing .
Also discovered he has a porn addiction, (like every day need) ...
He is seeing a therapist and things had gotten better, for a while....I believe it is because they shut down his game. But are slacking again, since his new passion is now creating a new game.
Long story short, I felt quite similar to how you feel. Frustrated, sad, like i live in a house with a roomate. We share bills, space, but little else.
I'm not saying give up on your marriage, but I do know it will take work from both to make it better.
Hugs cause I share your frustration0 -
until the kids are protected, her relationship is moot.
i'm not saying either way whether or not she should leave. in fact, i purposefully made no comment at all.
and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse....marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.
Well said!
no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.
i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.
Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.
what she describes, whether she is in denial or not, is an appalling way to treat children. whatever she decides to do, her number one priority should be protecting her children, whether that's laying down the law or walking out the door. those kids are far more important than her marriage.
her remaining silent doesn't excuse him putting little kids in choke holds until they cry. if she never spoke to him for a decade, his doing that to the kids would be his responsibility.
work at the touchy feely stuff all you want. AFTER you make sure he never treats your kids like that again. and i have zero respect for the opinion of anyone who would argue to the contrary.
Well then for the sake of her children, she needs to find her voice, doesn't she?? She needs to stop saying I don't like confrontation and when she sees her husband doing something that she makes her children cry, then she needs to act as their mother and their protector and tell him that the behavior is unacceptable. And if it continues and he is truly being abusive and hurting their chidren she needs to do whatever it takes to protect them.
I DO NOT condone anyone one "choke holding" their children until they cry and in no way condone abuse of a child. If anyone every hurt my kids, I would be out the door in a 2.5 seconds, but that is my job as their mother, to protect them. If she truly believes that her children are being abused or hurt in a way she feels is not okay, she needs to step up and either stop the situation or walk on out the door.
talking about the need for sex/communication/support means nothing until the kids are ok.
if he can't stop mistreating the kids then it doesn't matter if he's the best hubby in the world.
fretting about lack of sex while this is going on is messed up beyond my comprehension.
she needs to step up.0 -
You guys need to quit telling her she needs Jesus. She didn't come to this thread for religious advice, she came for relationship advice.
What she needs is marriage counseling or or file for divorce.0 -
It sounds like he feels very alone as well.
Could you start by not bringing him food when he is on the computer? Instead invite him to join you and the kids for sit down meals. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you should commit to only eating at the table, together.
Next, please invite your husband to bed every night, even if you know he won't come. Just let him know you want him to be there, that you care enough to try. You probably have so much resentment toward him by the end of the day, you don't even want him in your bed, but ask him to come anyway. Wrap your arms around him and tell him you want him. I'm not talking about sex, just make him feel like a wanted and valued human being. Pretty soon, it will be easier for him to reciprocate.
You can never change the other person in a relationship, by you can always lead by example. Don't think that you are meeting all his needs by bringing him food, or cleaning the house, or taking care of the bills, or looking after the kids. Men NEED physical intimacy, and it seems he has given up on you for that completely. It may have been 4 years, but it's not too late to find what you have lost, If it feels awkward to try to initiate sex, you could simply invite him to take a shower with you, or watch a movie in bed while you give him a foot rub. You may think he doesn't deserve that, but I think showing him some real love and intimacy will heal your heart as well.
If you were to just leave and move on, you will probably end up creating a similar situation in any relationship you are in, because you will only ever be treated the way you let people treat you. You have to change.0 -
if anything, that stuff puts people off.You guys need to quit telling her she needs Jesus. She didn't come to this thread for religious advice, she came for relationship advice.
stubbed your toe? you need jesus!
it drives people away from god.0 -
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until the kids are protected, her relationship is moot.
talking about the need for sex/communication/support means nothing until the kids are ok.
if he can't stop mistreating the kids then it doesn't matter if he's the best hubby in the world.
fretting about lack of sex while this is going on is messed up beyond my comprehension.
she needs to step up.
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I agree with you 100%!! The lack of sex is the least of her worries. She needs, for the sake of her children, if nothing else, find the strength to be the mother THEY deserve. She may very well deserve a better husband, but that comes secondary. However, she does need to learn to communicate with this guy, because as long as she does not, the treatment continues with her children.0 -
You just told my story. This was my life two years ago but it is not my life today. It has been a hard journey but here are my thoughts:
1. I guarantee the only time your husband will change is when HE is ready to change. Any effort you make to change him will just lead to more disappointment.
2. The only person you can change is yourself. Now is the time to work on yourself. Whether he changes, appreciates your work, or cares is beyond your control.
3. If you don't change you will take your same insecurity, lack of communication, etc. to the next relationship. After the "puppy love" of your next relationship wears off you will have the same problems as you have now only with a new person. "Same baggage just different airport"
4. Only after you "fix" yourself should you make a rational decision of whether you want to continue with the marriage. But until that time you are just switching seats on the Titantic.
I highly recommend the book: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) [Paperback]
Bruce Fisher
You can get it on amazon for $10.00. This book (and class) was a life-saver for me. Good luck and God Bless.0 -
But until that time you are just switching seats on the Titantic.
Brilliant0 -
Just a few thoughts and experiences:
1. My brother lived with his girlfriend for about 8 years. As their relationship deteriorated (she was pushing to get married, he wasn't interested) he became involved in online gaming, in this case EverQuest. He played pretty much every moment that he wasn't working, for 2 years. Eventually she left him. I think he wanted out too but was too much of a coward to say so, so he checked out mentally until she was basically forced to end it. What a huge waste of both their time. My brother met someone else almost immediately and was married within 18 months and didn't play the stupid game - it was a symptom, not the disease. Maybe the same thing is going on with your husband. I'm sure he's not happy with the state of things, either.
2. I had a live-in boyfriend for 5 years that slowly turned into a "ships passing in the night" kind of relationship. We didn't do anything together, we had different interests, and were rarely in the same room unless we were sleeping (still had sex regularly, though). We never argued or anything - it was just...flatlined. When we hit that 5 year anniversary I did some serious soul searching and decided that it was time to ****e or get off the pot. Was this going to be my life? I sort of conversationally brought up one night that I thought he should start looking for his own place. He didn't even protest. I think he was just waiting for me to bring it up.
3. I feel bad for your 13 year old daughter. She sees what's going on and tells you that you deserve better...too wise for her age. What kind of example are you setting for her? What will she put up with in the future because Mom did? Your kids deserve a happy home.
Edited to add: I think you express yourself beautifully, better than most. If you have a hard time doing it verbally, maybe write him a letter. You deserve to air your complaints and he deserves to hear them and have a chance to respond. If he ignores you with a "Yes, Dear", then that's all you need to know.0 -
To the person who ask for advice. Just note my suggestion of getting off the meds is only a suggestion and its recommended you speak to the Dr. that prescribe them to you before ever deciding to get off them. You have the stregth to get through this and become the person you desire. Good luck to you.0
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I'm completely overwhelmed with all the responses I have gotten. There were a lot of posts I wanted to respond to specifically, but with four pages of responses, I'd be here all day. But I do want to respond to some things I saw, in general.
I do not believe my kids are in any kind of danger. The two littler ones do jiu jitsu and my dh used to do that as well. He "practices" with them, thus the choke hold, but they usually end up frustrated. When they start to cry, I usually do step in and tell him to stop and he does. He says he's trying to toughen them up because when they "roll" in jiu jitsu, somebody will try to make them tap out. I agree though that they should not think our relationship (dh and me) is one they should aim for... I also do not think he should be forcing them to give him a hug and/or a kiss if they do not want to. He should probably take a hint when they don't want to give it to him...
He is in upper level management, and I do believe he is looking for a job. He checks his e-mails in the morning and sends out several resumes per day. I have sat down on my laptop next to him and helped look for jobs for him and then sent him the links. It is difficult for me, though, because there are so many different kind of management jobs and some of them are so specific that I don't know the key words to. I make a point to ask him every day if he's heard anything new. I have no idea if there is more he could or should be doing. He had lost his job before, and he found a new one by applying online and working with recruiters. This time around, he hasnt' even gotten responses from recruiters.
All the moving around: I met him and moved in with him. After a year or so we bought a house, but not too far away from where we started. Oldest was in Pre-K at the time. He was laid off after a couple of years or so, then found a job in another state. That job, after a couple of years, sent him oversees, supposedly for only a couple of years. Then the economy changed and they had no plans of brining us back. After about three years, he quit and we moved in with his parents until he found another job in yet another state. He's been at that job for a year and a half and got laid off, along with many other people. The kids, especially the oldest, have had to change schools more times than any child should have to.
I am a speech pathologist, and worked when I met him. I switched to different counties a few times when we moved within the same state, but when we moved out of state I could only find a job an hour and a half away from home. That's when we decided I"d stay home with the kids. Then, oversees I couldn't really work, but now that we're back I was looking to work again. I interviewed with the schools, but since I havne' t worked for about seven years, they passed. The job I have now is via the computer, doing the same thing. I was officially accepted by the company back in October, but it took until about a month ago for the paperwork to go through. So, I started looking before he was laid off.
About marrying him only because he accepted me with my daughter. I did not state that correctly, but that was a huge factor for me. I had wobbly knees and heart fluttering when I saw him for the longest time. There was a time when he helped, and, like I said, in the beginning he played wonderfully with my daughter. But looking back I think i always put in more than he did. I wrote notes that I left in his car before he went to work (he never responded to them), I'd make him lunch so he wouldn't eat fast food all the time, but I don't think he ate my lunch lol. I do remember a time when he would bring me my coffee in the mornings before he went to work, but that was a long time ago.
We do all eat dinner at tthe table together and I've insisted on that since the beginning. However, often he joins us late because of something happening. He can also often not sit still anymore when he's done eating and says he's just cleaning up his plate or something (he puts it on the counter, never the dishwasher, and yes, I have said something about that). Sometimes he stands next to the table and plays with the dog, sometimes he manages to sit and wait. At lunch, now that he's home, I have also placed the lunch on the table and told him to come eat, while I was sitting with the kids eating. Sometimes he waits so long that his lunch is cold, or he sprints to the table, grabs his lunch, and eats in front of the computer. Sometimes he sits with us.
Depression? May be for him. (I know I have it...) It would'nt surprise me. However, the gaming, not playing with the kids, not doing anything around the house, all that has been going on for a long time, not just since he lost his job.
I know there were other things I wanted to respond to, but can't remember now... gotta read over the responses again.
Thank you all again for taking the time to read my long post (and no, my dialogue is not lengthy like that, that's why I had to "spit" it all out in writing). I really appreciate everybody's input!0 -
Oh yea, the meds... I have be on and of wellbutrin for a long time, and have never been able to stay on it long enough to see if it has a long-term effect for me. Something always happens; I've gotten pregnant,so I had to stop, we moved, and I couldn't find a dr fast enough (I never take care of my needs first, always the others first), and now I'll have to stop again soon because of no insurance. When I start it, though, I'm able to get off my butt and do something. It gives me the energy to get up and move, and be more productive.0
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Let me preface this by saying I've been in a crummy marriage.
I know what it's like and I know what it takes to start making positive changes.
And I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but...
Stop letting him dictate what you do and how you feel.
Those are choices you make for yourself.
No one else can "make" you feel or act a certain way.
What are you afraid of when he gets "angry" with you?
He already ignores you and the kids, doesn't work, doesn't help around the house etc, etc.
Could it get worse?
Work on yourself.
Decide who you want to be.
What type of woman, what type of mom, what type of wife you want to be and then go do it.
You can't change him and you will continue to make yourself utterly miserable if you are waiting for him to change.
Perhaps you cannot afford counseling but have you considered attending a church and meeting with the pastor?
How about a mom's group or volunteering at your kids' school?
Get out of that house, live your life and stop waiting for that slug of a husband to make you happy.
He knows he controls and manipulates you and has no reason to change his ways.
Once you stop putting up with his crap and start becoming a fabulous person, maybe he'll get his head out of his butt.
Or maybe he won't and then you'll have to decide what you want out of life.
I doubt it's what you've had so far.
Sorry, I just read your most recent posts.
You're a speech pathologist? You have an advanced degree which means you are an incredibly intelligent woman!
You have a lot to offer this world.
Stop getting down on yourself and live up to your full potential!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I do not believe my kids are in any kind of danger. The two littler ones do jiu jitsu and my dh used to do that as well. He "practices" with them, thus the choke hold, but they usually end up frustrated. When they start to cry, I usually do step in and tell him to stop and he does. He says he's trying to toughen them up because when they "roll" in jiu jitsu, somebody will try to make them tap out. I agree though that they should not think our relationship (dh and me) is one they should aim for... I also do not think he should be forcing them to give him a hug and/or a kiss if they do not want to. He should probably take a hint when they don't want to give it to him...
He is inappropriately applying standards that make sense for experienced adults to little kids, and is unable to see their responses, to empathize with them, because he feels he's 'correct' in principle. This is evidence of a rigid, idealistic thinking style, often associated with perfectionism and a pessimistic, rule-favouring personality. Also, profound self-absorption. Deep roots to this stuff. Not gonna change easily, counselling or no. And if it were going to change A LITTLE, he would have to be 100% into it. And any minimal progress would likely take YEARS.
I missed the bit someone else caught, where you said 'my kids would do better without me if I weren't here'. No. They would not. They would be hurt for life. No one can replace their mother. Please go back to your psychiatrist, and ask for more help than you have received so far.
You've shown a lot of strength. You got out of an abusive marriage, which some people never manage to do. You have been trying to make this marriage work, to the best of your ability. (This one is also abusive, in a different way, imo.) Best of all, you got back to work. You DO have power. It is being wasted on the wrong person, in my opinion.
I think you could make a happy, loving home for your kids, and for you, on your own, without this guy's silently oppressive presence. You could all feel freer to be yourselves. Imagine that!0
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