need relationship advice

TwinkieDong

I would say print out what you typed. Give it to him. Let him discuss it with you.....or if he doesn't you need to get a plan to leave.

reachingforthemoon

Reading your post was like living my life except I only had one child and my X was still working. I worked full time, ran the house, looked after our daughter as he was worse than useless. low self-esteem and being alienated from my family didn't help. We used to split most of our holiday time to keep childcare costs down, he also sat our daughter in front of the TV, he lay on the sofa in his underpants all day.There as a lot more stuff went on but you really don't need to know and I've dealt with it and put it in a box called the past.

I carried on like that until my daughter was 10, we had been married 15 years. Without warning I snapped and told him I'd had enough of this mental abuse and that I was a person with feeling's and deserved a bit of respect. He sulked and refused to talk to me for two weeks.This went on for a few months. Our daughter was practicing for her SAT's at school and no matter what I tried he started a row every time a test was due, I refused to give in, three months later he left me for someone else. Two days after my birthday.

To say that is was the Birthday Present of my lifetime would be an understatement. He then told me he was coming home that he'd made a mistake. I refused to let him and divorced him. He accused me of breaking up the family, the fact that he was living with another woman had completely escaped him. Since he has been gone, MY daughter has gained in self confidence is more outgoing and has bloomed without this negative Ned around her all the time.

The point of this is that You need to decide what is BEST for YOU first and your children second. This man from what you have written does nothing for you. If you feel unable to confront him, write it down and give it too him. If he still does nothing then you need to get rid of him, he is having a negative effect on you which in turn will go to your children. You don't need a man in your life to be you, you just need you. Make one more move to be closer to your family, you will need their support and then stay there, put down some roots and live YOUR LIFE how YOU want.

Good Luck and I hope it all works out for you X

P.S How you feel about you goes along way in how you see you, weight loss is never easy but feeling rubbish doesn't help.

thisismeraw

If you are bad with communication it's really something you need to work on and you both need to work on together. No relationship can be fixed if you don't actually talk about it. Communication is key! I'm terrible with communication as well however have learned over the years with husband how important it is.

I'm sorry for sounding mean but if my husband acted like yours he'd be out the door. A marriage is a partnership. If you are working and he's not, why are YOU making and bringing him food and coffee while he sits at a computer? He can get his own food if he's hungry. He can get his own coffee if he wants one. I would stop doing things for him if he doesn't want to help out.

I make meals for my husband. I pack him his lunch for work most days or I make him something to bring the next day to work isntead of his usual frozen meal. I do it because I want to. I am currently out of work and home all day so I see it as a way I can help him when he is the one to go out and work. I do the cleaning and such but he does help if I ask. He will also just clean if it needs to be done. He always asks if I need help with dinner or with whatever I am cleaning.

Can you guys go to a counsellor? That may help you either work out your issues or decide to end the marriage. You need to work out if you can fix the problems and if you both want to. If he has checked out already than unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it if he isn't willing to try and help the issue.

Don't even say something is your fault. You may be bad at communication however if he isn't bringing anything up and he isn't making an attempt than it's not your fault. Don't think that it is.

If you can't talk to him right now what about writing him a letter? Write down everything you have said here.. write down everything you are thinking and everything you are feeling. Seal it in an envelope with his name on it and leave it for him. If you can, go to a friend house or family members house for a day or two. Not only does it give you a chance to take a break and think about things but it gives him a chance to read your letter. It may help.

quiksylver296

I'll be honest up front and admit I didn't read everyone else's answers, so I'll apologize if I say the same thing someone else has already said.

The thing that jumps out at me is your lack of self-worth. Whether you stay with him or not, you need to start working on your vision of yourself. You are worthy! of whatever! Start small, with positive self-talk. Stand in front of the mirror and say good things to yourself. Too many of us stand in front of the mirror and are critical. It starts internally. This is going to take baby steps, just like weight loss. Look in the mirror and say, "I am worthy of (whatever)" Love, Appreciation, etc., or "I am good enough." Whatever your negative self-talk is, take very specific action in the opposite direction. If you are constantly telling yourself you are ugly, intentionally look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, or whatever your personal issue is.

You are created with a purpose. You have value. You are important. You are worthy. You are a precious being.

Psalm 139:13-15 For you, God, formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

I Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

ednaflores619

I am no relationship expert, but it is obvious that you are both withdrawn from the relationship and it is a sign of depression. You really do need to go to therapy. Honestly, he is another child you're supporting and taking care of when he is supposed to be a support for you. No sex in four years? He is always gaming? Are your sure he doesn't have a cyber relationship?

Bridget0927

Do you have anywhere else to go? Like family or family friends who would take you and your kids in? If not, do you make enough to afford a 2 bedroom apt? If I were you I'd get out ASAP! He is giving you absolutely nothing and taking everything. Not only is it not fair to you but it's not fair to the kids.

^This but here is why:
Not an easy ask, to leave someone when you have children. Some situations call for it, if they can not be worked out. The issue here is if you raise your children in this household remaining as it is, you are showing them that this is the way life/relationships are. Now this is not to say they will end up in one just like it, but there will be after effects of a chidlhood in a house with no love. (no love is not referring to you to your kids or even to your husband to your kids as I know there are two sides to every story)
At some point as a mother life is no longer about you and should be all about them. Leaving is hard, and seems to tough to actually do. You know in your heart if this is truly as bad as you have portrayed here. Make the right choice for your kids not for you.

glovepuppet

...marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.

Well said!

and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse.

no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.

i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.

bookworm_847

I first want to say that this story is a common story known all around the world. You have the strength to percevere through this. First I am only suggesting the following. Live your life the way you want it for you and you only, You must take care of yourself first, kids second and DH third. Second get off the depressant medication its only making things worse. poeple in society want to believe that giving a simple pill will make you lose weight or feel better etc... The truth is that anything in life is not always easy and you must have to work hard to get where you need to be. I say get off meds, because if you choose to eat right, excersise regulary you will start to gain more confidence in yourself because excersise send endorphines throughout your body which make you feel good.

This is dangerous advice. The OP has seen a psychiatrist who feels that she will benefit from antidepressants. To suggest she go off from them a "fix" her depression with good food and exercise is irresponsible at the very least.

I couldn't agree more. It is irresponsible to tell someone to get off of prescribed meds from a physician when we don't know her situation. What if she gets off and commits suicide? She should stay on the meds until the doctor tells her otherwise. If she wants to come off, it should be under a doctor's supervision.

I totally agree with this. I went off of mine several years ago just because I didn't want to take them anymore, and guess what. I had a major meltdown and my sister was contemplating putting me in the hospital. Unless you're her doctor, you shouldn't be making any suggestions regarding her medication.

xXxHBICxXx

I went through something very similar to this with my husband ( 6 years ago) I actually felt like I was reading my story there for a minute. World of Warcraft is like crack to gamers, I know this because my husband has played, quits playing and now plays it again and every time I see differences in his personality when hes been playing it. I too played it and found after a few months is was taking over everything in my life, I stopped playing. I would (usually) never tell someone to give up on their marriage because I think that when you say those vows you sure as hell better mean it, marriage shouldn't be something you just pop in and out of but at the same time I believe marriage is 50/50 and it seems like your putting in all 100% and that isn't fair. Your kids are at the age to see all of this, to know what is right and wrong and your son is going to grow up thinking this is how he should treat women, your daughters are going to think this is how husbands should treat their wives, and they will settle. I don't know you but I know you don't want that life for your children. When I went through this with my hubby, I left. I caught him talking to other girls in the game, sexual conversations and he was always choosing that game over me and our family. I packed my stuff and went to my mothers, that opened his eyes. Leave. Wake him up, make him see your hurt, your problems and your frustrations. Your in this marriage too and his happiness is not all that matters. I am the most non confrontational person ever, but I have learned when it comes to my marriage and my kids, I will grow the biggest set of balls and lay into anyone including my hubby, do the same or leave for good. I'm sorry your going through this love, I know it sucks.

savagenoble

Have you considered printing out what you just wrote to all of us strangers and handing it to him? If you have a difficult time talking, perhaps giving him something written will at least start a conversation.

He's not going to read it. Heck, I couldn't read it. If her dialogues are as long as that post, he's just withdrawing.

This is needlessly harsh. OP, do not be discouraged by this comment. I know it's easy to hook on to one negative criticism and forget anything positive you've ever heard. I read your whole comment, and I felt for you.

My own thoughts are these: you say you're lonely and you've thought about leaving for years, but you haven't left, perhaps not only because of financial issues or because of the kids, but because you're afraid you'll be even _lonelier_ on your own. But I can attest to the fact that sometimes having someone around who you can't communicate with or relate to can make you feel lonelier than you ever could on your own. Being on your own can be liberating: instead of chasing after the same person who sounds like he couldn't be less interested, you can broaden your world, meet new people, learn how to keep yourself company and how to make yourself happy. You can spend time on yourself first, rather than spending all of it on someone who refuses to reciprocate. Once that happens, I think you'll find you have a much easier time feeling self-confident. And from there, who knows? The world is open to you.

Julzanne72

...marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.

Well said!

and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse.

no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.

i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.

Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.

glovepuppet

...marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.

Well said!

and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse.

no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.

i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.

Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.

i'm not saying either way whether or not she should leave. in fact, i purposefully made no comment at all.

what she describes, whether she is in denial or not, is an appalling way to treat children. whatever she decides to do, her number one priority should be protecting her children, whether that's laying down the law or walking out the door. those kids are far more important than her marriage.

her remaining silent doesn't excuse him putting little kids in choke holds until they cry. if she never spoke to him for a decade, his doing that to the kids would be his responsibility.

work at the touchy feely stuff all you want. AFTER you make sure he never treats your kids like that again. and i have zero respect for the opinion of anyone who would argue to the contrary.

MyPsalm63

DO NOT give up. This IS fixable. You'd be AMAZED at how the Lord can mend and heal anything. First you must fully seek him. Pray and ask for your eyes to be opened. He will lead you in the right direction. Contact a local Pastor and seek their help...biblical help. Marriage is NOT to be talent lightly. It is not something you toss aside. It's a deep meaningful vow. This change, people change, life happens. There are seasons and trials in EVERY marriage. Some harder than others. I know it can feel lonely, hopeless and pointless at times but it is not. There IS hope. You need to kindly, lovingly address the issues at hand. He truly May not realize how you are feeling or seeing the relationship. Ask him to attend a counseling through a church with you. Seek out EVERY Godly option. There are also some GREAT books out there that will open your eyes. Please message me if you would like to talk more. Do not give up hope. I will pray over this for you!

skinnybearlyndsay

I hate to say it, but first and foremost, you should not have married him when you hadn't fully recovered from your first marriage. He was already at a disadvantage because whether you know it or not, you are subconsciously comparing your current husband to your ex. I can't tell if you love your current husband. It seems like you tolerate each other and had more children together because that's what married couples "are supposed to do".

As someone who will be getting married this year and having seen what a situation like yours has done to my parents (i.e. the gaming and putting up with everything else), my fiance is FULLY AWARE that I won't tolerate it. My fiance and I are a TEAM, something we agreed on very early on when we got serious. Did you have conversations like that before you got married?

Granted, relationships are hard work and it's not always easy to talk to someone who knows you so intimately, but you should NOT be afraid to speak your mind. Like many others have said, you need counseling of your own. Before you even talk about marriage counseling with your husband, you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST with him about how you feel. Don't hold anything back. I'm serious about that. Let yourself cry when you talk to him. Let him see how frustrated and alone you feel. He needs to know everything you're feeling in order for you to understand what he's feeling.

And your kids....your husband should not be bullying them. End of story. What kind of example does it set for them?

Julzanne72

...marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.

Well said!

and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse.

no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.

i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.

Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.

i'm not saying either way whether or not she should leave. in fact, i purposefully made no comment at all.

what she describes, whether she is in denial or not, is an appalling way to treat children. whatever she decides to do, her number one priority should be protecting her children, whether that's laying down the law or walking out the door. those kids are far more important than her marriage.

her remaining silent doesn't excuse him putting little kids in choke holds until they cry. if she never spoke to him for a decade, his doing that to the kids would be his responsibility.

work at the touchy feely stuff all you want. AFTER you make sure he never treats your kids like that again. and i have zero respect for the opinion of anyone who would argue to the contrary.

Well then for the sake of her children, she needs to find her voice, doesn't she?? She needs to stop saying I don't like confrontation and when she sees her husband doing something that she makes her children cry, then she needs to act as their mother and their protector and tell him that the behavior is unacceptable. And if it continues and he is truly being abusive and hurting their chidren she needs to do whatever it takes to protect them.
I DO NOT condone anyone one "choke holding" their children until they cry and in no way condone abuse of a child. If anyone every hurt my kids, I would be out the door in a 2.5 seconds, but that is my job as their mother, to protect them. If she truly believes that her children are being abused or hurt in a way she feels is not okay, she needs to step up and either stop the situation or walk on out the door.

Timshel_

I honestly don't think the marriage is fix-able because it seems like you settled to begin with.

Exactly. You outright state you married him becuase he accept you and your daughter. That start spells disaster really.

Everything else is inconsequential.

smiley245

As a former computer gamer I'm rather familiar with this situation. Here's the deal: he also thinks that the marriage has turned blah, so playing computer games is his escape. Whenever he's in the game, he forgets all his real life troubles, it's somewhat comparable to drug addiction. If he has different sleeping schedule with you, naturally it's not conducive to sex. He still gets his sex though (as a normal man can hardly go 4 years without sex), but I bet he gets it through porn.

I'm afraid this is beyond what you two can discuss between yourselves. You need a marriage counselor, so unless you're ready to bail, you need to find a way to afford one.

I tend to agree with this poster. My current SO was a gamer when I met him, so I was aware. I just didn't know how bad it was. I figured once we moved in together, my kids and I would be priority number 1. Not so, although he has a job, most of the hours at work and at home were spent on the computer, gaming, chatting surfing .
Also discovered he has a porn addiction, (like every day need) ...
He is seeing a therapist and things had gotten better, for a while....I believe it is because they shut down his game. But are slacking again, since his new passion is now creating a new game.

Long story short, I felt quite similar to how you feel. Frustrated, sad, like i live in a house with a roomate. We share bills, space, but little else.
I'm not saying give up on your marriage, but I do know it will take work from both to make it better.

Hugs cause I share your frustration

glovepuppet

...marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.

Well said!

and what about the kids? fighting 'games' where he always wins and makes them cry. choke holds. forcing physical affection on them until they cry. those things qualify as abuse.

no amount of addiction excuses it. no amount of depression excuses it. no amount of frustration excuses it.

i'm more ashamed of a world where clinging onto a relationship is put above something as important and valuable as the emotional welfare of children.

Really, so the fact that she has remained silent and has made NO EFFORT whatsoever to make him aware of how she feels is ok?? Let me tell you something, I was in a marriage for 18 years, and have 3 amazing children, and they have ALWAYS been my first priority, if she truly beleives that her husband is abusing their children, then there is no excuse, you leave, however, I do not get that impression from her post. I realize that not all marriages work, no matter how hard you try, mine happened to be one of them....but when you make no efffort, that to me, is throwing something away that may be fixable. She has NO IDEA what may or may not happen if she is honest about her feelings....maybe things will get better, and maybe they won't, but when you make no effort, I am sorry, that is not giving ANY MARRIAGE a fair chance.

i'm not saying either way whether or not she should leave. in fact, i purposefully made no comment at all.

what she describes, whether she is in denial or not, is an appalling way to treat children. whatever she decides to do, her number one priority should be protecting her children, whether that's laying down the law or walking out the door. those kids are far more important than her marriage.

her remaining silent doesn't excuse him putting little kids in choke holds until they cry. if she never spoke to him for a decade, his doing that to the kids would be his responsibility.

work at the touchy feely stuff all you want. AFTER you make sure he never treats your kids like that again. and i have zero respect for the opinion of anyone who would argue to the contrary.

Well then for the sake of her children, she needs to find her voice, doesn't she?? She needs to stop saying I don't like confrontation and when she sees her husband doing something that she makes her children cry, then she needs to act as their mother and their protector and tell him that the behavior is unacceptable. And if it continues and he is truly being abusive and hurting their chidren she needs to do whatever it takes to protect them.
I DO NOT condone anyone one "choke holding" their children until they cry and in no way condone abuse of a child. If anyone every hurt my kids, I would be out the door in a 2.5 seconds, but that is my job as their mother, to protect them. If she truly believes that her children are being abused or hurt in a way she feels is not okay, she needs to step up and either stop the situation or walk on out the door.

until the kids are protected, her relationship is moot.
talking about the need for sex/communication/support means nothing until the kids are ok.
if he can't stop mistreating the kids then it doesn't matter if he's the best hubby in the world.
fretting about lack of sex while this is going on is messed up beyond my comprehension.
she needs to step up.

tallulahthunderbird

You guys need to quit telling her she needs Jesus. She didn't come to this thread for religious advice, she came for relationship advice.

What she needs is marriage counseling or or file for divorce.

codapea

It sounds like he feels very alone as well.

Could you start by not bringing him food when he is on the computer? Instead invite him to join you and the kids for sit down meals. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you should commit to only eating at the table, together.

Next, please invite your husband to bed every night, even if you know he won't come. Just let him know you want him to be there, that you care enough to try. You probably have so much resentment toward him by the end of the day, you don't even want him in your bed, but ask him to come anyway. Wrap your arms around him and tell him you want him. I'm not talking about sex, just make him feel like a wanted and valued human being. Pretty soon, it will be easier for him to reciprocate.

You can never change the other person in a relationship, by you can always lead by example. Don't think that you are meeting all his needs by bringing him food, or cleaning the house, or taking care of the bills, or looking after the kids. Men NEED physical intimacy, and it seems he has given up on you for that completely. It may have been 4 years, but it's not too late to find what you have lost, If it feels awkward to try to initiate sex, you could simply invite him to take a shower with you, or watch a movie in bed while you give him a foot rub. You may think he doesn't deserve that, but I think showing him some real love and intimacy will heal your heart as well.

If you were to just leave and move on, you will probably end up creating a similar situation in any relationship you are in, because you will only ever be treated the way you let people treat you. You have to change.