need relationship advice

Greenrun99

I didn't read all the comments but I will throw my 2 cents in..

I understand you feel your living with a roommate, but one of the biggest stresses on a guy is when he loses his job and has a hard time finding another one.. he may shut off the outside world cause its hard to not be useful.. I did this in one of my relationships (not marriage or anything) when I was unemployed and it sounds like he kind of escapes to his video games and that.

Just have a talk, you need to express yourself and let him know.. I know you said you have low self esteem and don't like to be confrontational... but if you guys are low on money.. marriage counseling is just as much as a therapist.. just talk it out.

TheRoadDog

Have you considered printing out what you just wrote to all of us strangers and handing it to him? If you have a difficult time talking, perhaps giving him something written will at least start a conversation.

He's not going to read it. Heck, I couldn't read it. If her dialogues are as long as that post, he's just withdrawing.

hbrittingham

I first want to say that this story is a common story known all around the world. You have the strength to percevere through this. First I am only suggesting the following. Live your life the way you want it for you and you only, You must take care of yourself first, kids second and DH third. Second get off the depressant medication its only making things worse. poeple in society want to believe that giving a simple pill will make you lose weight or feel better etc... The truth is that anything in life is not always easy and you must have to work hard to get where you need to be. I say get off meds, because if you choose to eat right, excersise regulary you will start to gain more confidence in yourself because excersise send endorphines throughout your body which make you feel good.

This is dangerous advice. The OP has seen a psychiatrist who feels that she will benefit from antidepressants. To suggest she go off from them a "fix" her depression with good food and exercise is irresponsible at the very least.

toxikon

I think it's time to stop being passive. I think you need to work on yourself to be able to help your husband, and your marriage. You shouldn't EVER feel too shy to speak up. Holding in your feelings constantly makes life miserable. Men are not psychics and they may not even notice that something is wrong with their partner, if you don't say anything.

I think it's time to take control of your life, be more assertive and be more confident.

Stop bringing him food and drinks. He's a grown man, and you're not his mom. If he wants some food, he can walk to the kitchen to get it himself. If you're cooking dinner, tell him that he has to do the dishes afterwards. If he wants to cook dinner, you'll do the same. It's about sharing the workload. If he doesn't want to help. he doesn't get the benefits. He doesn't feel like doing dishes? Oh OK - next time just make enough food for you and the kids, and he can fend for himself.

The computer addiction... you have to sit down and talk about. Tell him he's missing out on his children growing up. They deserve his love and attention. They won't be young forever - these years are important for building their character and helping them grow healthily. Set a limit, be stern. Tell him he's allowed 2 hours (or whatever) a day for his game. That is plenty when you have a family. You both deserve 'me-time', but it sounds like he's getting a lot more than you.

If he's not willing to change, split the workload, and work on his computer addiction - leave him. He's not worth it.

Brianna72994

Hes obviously not the one you're meant to be with. He doesn't seem to care about making the relationship work. Just break up.

Cr01502

Next time he gets on the computer punch him in the back of the head as hard as you can.

meeper123

Hmm looks like he isnt in this anymore hun. Its easy to say dump him and move on. But if you want to work this out get him off the computer and tell him how you feel. This will sound strange but add some kink to your relationship. Its extremely selfish of him to be on the computer all the time. Get assertive and get that man in check or he will look for the easy out.

TavistockToad

I married him because he accepted me with my daughter

this is the problem... i skipped the rest, though no sex in 4 years?! really!?

anyway, you should have married him because you love him and he loves you. no other reason is good enough.

Cliffslosinit

Think this through...cover all avenues of help(therapy,marriage counseling).
Then realize that getting out for the children's sake as well as your own is best.

wllwsmmr

This is what I would suggest. IF you have any piece of you that wants to try to make this relationship work, you have to start communicating. Says "I am bad at confrontation" and "I would rather just not say anything" is why you are in the position that you are in. You need to stand up for yourself, whether its leaving or staying. It sounds to me like you just roll over, and give him whatever he wants no matter how terribly you are being treated.

So, you absolutely need to give him the "we need to talk" line. I think it would be best for you to maybe write down everything that you want to discuss ahead of time to make sure that your thoughts are premeditated, calm, clear and direct. You dont want to have there be any questions about what it is you want. Tell him exactly what you think is wrong with the relationship. Propose ways to fix it.

See what his reaction is. He might have concerns of his own or ideas about how these issues can be adressed. If you get little to no response from him, he has probably already (from the sound of things) checked out of the relationship already. He is most likely having his sexual needs met in other ways. He does not display any emotion, affection, sensitivity, or interest in your realtionship, let alone help around the house, communicate, etc.

It is natural to want to fix love when it goes wrong, but sometimes the circumstances are not right. Love is a two way street and there is only one lane open right now. I can understand why you might not want to leave him, because of financial needs or because of the children that you have together. Life is not easy and sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones to make. No one can tell you what to do, but I think you have a pretty good idea of what you want to do already. Best of luck.

This. You initially married him because he accepted your daughter, but now it looks like your daughter ain't very happy with her 'father' too. If you're not intending to work on it, then you're no different or even better off single.

bsuew

I think that finding someone who can help with marriage counseling is going to be a must. Maybe there is a church that you could contact that has someone that works in marriage counseling if you don't have the money for one. Just a thought. You need to learn to like yourself again. Sometimes a hard thing to do. I've never had the best self image and lack self confidence as well. I could cry for you when reading your post. It's not fair of him even if he is having problems to totally mistreat you. Maybe you don't fight or argue but it is no quality of life if there isn't any interaction of any kind. Not having sex in 4 years would really make me wonder if he isn't going else where or doing something else. If he won't go for help you might need to just find some where else to go for a while. Take the kids and leave. Get another job and stay where your at if he wants to move let him. If the kids know something is wrong the situation your in is hurting them. You need to start thinking of yourself and your kids. You are worth wanting more than you have. Your kids are worth having more for them! Best of everything. Here's a hug I think you need more!

glovepuppet

When he plays with the kids and they cry, he usually "fights" them (practicing jiu jitsu, play fighting), but he doesn't usually let them win, or puts them in choke holds or something, and they get frustrated. Or he tells my youngest to give him a hug and a kiss and she refuses, so he basically holds her until she does, which of course makes her cry. Or he just yells at them when they're loud, etc.

your issues with him are your own problem, but to ignore this damaging and unhealthy relationship with his children is wrong. as their mother you have a duty to stop this now! if you don't have the strength to help yourself then you should still find the strength to help your children. you can suck at confruntation but you can't suck at sticking up for your kids.

you are a mother. keep telling yourself that.
that's where your strength is.

Raynne413

I think you should definitely seek out marriage counseling, if you truly love your husband and want things to work out. It sounds as if he has problems with depression and losing his job definitely hasn't helped that situation.

If you don't truly love your husband, then it's not fair to him, you, or your kids to stick around, and you should have a talk with him about getting a divorce and splitting the household.

BerryH

I think your husband might be depressed too: the irregular hours, not having a job, immersing himself in gaming and lack of sex are all part of the vicious cycle of depression symptoms and causes.

You don't need to be confrontational, but people stuck in a rut need very direct instructions to do what you think is lacking until it becomes a habit. Otherwise they just don't recognise you're unhappy or what's making you that way. Think along the lines of:
I'm so thirsty, could you make us both a coffee, please?
Here's some lightbulbs, can you put them in before it gets dark?
I've put this shopping list together, could you get these things while I'm playing with the kids?
While I'm doing this bit of work, why not take the kids to the park?
I found this job advert that looks right up your street, would you like me to check your CV/resume is up to date?

I know he might not seem particularly attractive to you at the moment, but do you want sex with him? Initiating it might not be your favourite thing, but he might not know you're missing it unless you show him.

I'd say this gentle approach should be your first line of attack, followed by "we need to talk" if nothing changes, and only then the counselling route, which is often more confrontational than it's depicted.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

TheKeithEllis

World of Warcraft (and any MMOG) can be relationship killers, period, they take you away to a fantasy world where you don't have to deal with everyday life, the women (unless you role an ogre (that might be your thing(maybe))) are generally larger than life big in the chest department and the men are six-packed warriors. What's not to like?! You did the next best thing which is to try and play the game itself, try and share a common interest - however there is usually a third party (or multiple) involved with the MMO gaming, due to the anonymous nature and ease to privately chat and it is incredibly easy to befriend and go beyond the realms of being faithful.

I'd say the problems are too deep set for counseling to be very effective, but I am a great believer in trying to make things work. Insist on an evening where you just sit down and talk, spell out the gravity, maybe dedicated 1 maybe 2 days a week where you all do something as a family - no exceptions. If he's not open to even discuss this high level and fundamental change then be brutal, be selfish and get rid - it's your life and he's wasting it for you.

kluedesigns

i am not a fan of divorce and certainly not when children are involved.........with that said........

you're marriage appears to be in paper only with little to no love, respect, or even friendship remaining. it is not normal to have zero sex in your marriage - it does diminish, for some, due to time issues, age, etc but the desire for tenderness and intimacy remains because the loving emotions remain.

it might be time to speak with your husband about how toxic the relationship between you both has become and a separation is necessary.

once you're both on your own you can determine if the marriage can be saved or if its time to finalize a divorce.



i have been with my husband for 21 years and while the relationship has gone thru hardships (loss of 4 children & loss of employment, etc) we have love, respect, kindness, support, and friendship remaining.

while i would have chosen not to suffer such hardships i thank god for my husband and the support we give each other during those times.

jdm0804

It definitely sounds like depression. Before you just drop him, it may be beneficial to have a conversation with him about what is going on. If he's on his computer all day, it likely is a way to escape his harsh reality. I've been there.

He may sense that you've checked out and is insulating himself so that when you do it won't hurt as much.

I'm not one to suggest divorce all willy-nilly. Talk to him, and try to salvage the relationship.

As for the sex problem, one thing I've heard that can be effective is to suggest it every day for a month. This will tell him that you are interested in him and that may inspire him to reconnect with you.

Definitely try marriage counseling (And I'm not just saying that because I'm in school to become a marriage counselor!) You might also look into reading some books by John and Julie Gottman. They have great material on what makes a relationship work.

I hope this helps a little bit!

akaMrsmojo

You need to fix yourself first. Him aside, you have a lot of issues that only you can address.

I had a child when I met my husband. He was three. He loved and accepted him. If not we would not be together. But I certainly do not owe him maid service or slavery because he was kind enough to want me.

You were not a freak with a kid, it happens all the time. Blended families are the norm. You have to have higher standards for yourself. Embrace who you are, claim it and be proud of it.

I really think you need therapy before marriage counseling. There are a lot of resources out there. Good luck and lots of hugs.

Laura42012

Start finding things that make you happy - get up - go after it and make it happy. You can not wait for problems to fix themselves.

I left a unhappy relationship of ten years. Basically, I put my foot down and went after what I wanted in life. I'm not saying leave him or whatever --- just friggin go do what makes you happy. Now.

lizag2012

Just curious why you move so often? If he isn't working and you work from home, why the need to move? Doesn't sound like you guys are a military family. Seems like moving that often would lead to some depression on its own since you aren't able to settle in, make friends, and build outside connections. Plus it can't be good for the kids to be moved around that often.

I am worried because some of your comments sound suicidal, or that you are thinking of abandoning the kids. In either case, you need to call someone professional today. Why would it take you living someplace for a year before you found a doctor? Just pick someone and start going, and if you don't like them, pick another person and give them a try. There are also government run health care programs that will work with you without insurance.

Your husband is depressed. You both need help. If he isn't willing to get help, you should probably leave this marriage, but keep the kids, find some stability, and realize that unless you can work on your own personal issues, you will never find a satisfying relationship.

Good luck...