Dumped because I am fat...what do you think?
Replies
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That guy did you a favor. If he had not dumped you, you would have either been married to an *kitten* for the rest of your days, going through a nasty divorce or been unhappily dating this jerk for about 2.5 years longer than you should have. Love is love, period. Love of self does not allow anyone to belittle or dishonor you. unconditional love does not allow someone to refrain from loving you based on conditional terms (i.e., I will love you if you lose weight).
By all means, if you want to lose weight and be healthier for yourself, then go for it, but even if you never lose a pound, learn to love yourself exactly the way you are and never allow anyone to give you anything less than that. period.0 -
Leave.
It will always be something.
The fact that he even said he wants to be able to scope you out like he does thin chicks makes me want to punch him. This is not a good guy.
Being with a guy who diminishes your self esteem is an awful thing and it takes time to recover. Get out before it gets worse.0 -
Hi everyone!
I have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. He met me when I was overweight and didn't have a big problem with it. We were attracted to each other and had a pretty happy relationship. His family recently visited for the first time, and ever since then he has been treating me differently. When we talked about marriage, he said that he won't propose unless I lose a lot of weight. He said his family made him realize how heavy I am and he doesn't want to be with me if I am that overweight. I am 5'4" and 250 pounds. He said he doesn't want to be walking in the mall with me and have people wonder why he is with me. He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks. He wants someone that wears bikinis and short shorts. He said he has only been holding onto me because he loves me and hopes I will change. He said he would pay for me to reduce my boobs now just so I would look less heavy.
Obviously this hurt me a lot since I have been struggling with my weight since my sophomore year of college. He knows I try hard to lose and fall back into unhealthy emotional patterns. I have gone through surgery lately and faced setbacks. It hurts me that he loves me for me until he saw what his family said about my weight. Especially since they aren't thin people either. (Even he isn't super active and has a bit of a belly)
So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?
I know men are visual. But you deserve unconditional love. My husband diplomatically refuses to comment when I have lost weight. He replies to my question about whether he noticed by saying "I love you as much as ever". Since he has this attitude, I feel free to be in shape for him as a gift, knowing his love is unconditional. So it's for me and him.0 -
Gosh... if he had said, "I want you to lose weight because I love you and I want to be with you forever and I want forever to be a long time and not cut short by health problems" then I'd say you've got a keeper but he sounds like he's still a little too attached to what other people think of him and needs to break free of his family's opinions. Essentially, he has some things that he needs to work on too and, personally, I wouldn't date someone that influenced by others.0
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Dump him. And I think you're cute.0
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If a man said that to me, regardless of being in a relationship, I'd punch him in the face. But resorting to violence definitely is not the answer of course.
You shouldn't ever tolerate someone as shallow as that. You lose weight and get healthy for YOU, not him. Get rid, he's pathetic.0 -
I think you need to tell him to DUSS and focus on yourself, he clearly is childish if it jus takes his family to visit and fill his head for him to change his mind about how he feels towards you0
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He doesn't love you, he loves an idea and you are not it. He wants perfect, which does not exist. I think hit the nail right on the head when you said he and his family will just find something else to not like. You want to see if this relationship will last. Point out all of his shortcomings to him and tell him you want him to fix them or else. I bet you will see where things really stand, really fast.0
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You are SO lucky. Like Ebeneezer Scrooge you have seen the ghost of Marriage Future and found him lacking.
Your very astute post indicates know what you need to do. The opinion of strangers is not really necessary. Your real friends will back you on making the right decision for both your physical and mental health. Other MFP posters have said it better, he's a superficial douchbag with a controlling family that will make you miserable. If you are a stress eater your weight could easily go up rather than down.
Best to you. Live life happy!0 -
The fact that you were overweight when you met him and he was still attracted to you, coupled with the brutal way he's basically giving you an ultimatum makes him a grade A scumbag. To be completely honest, I can understand how changing physical aspects can affect sexual attraction, but it should NOT affect how you TREAT a person you claim to love. I'd tell him you wouldn't accept any proposal from him until he loses a lot of his "*kitten*!" Grrr.... Men.0
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He's awful to make you feel inferior. He doesn't deserve you anyhow. And It's true that if you reduce weight he'll find something else to complain about. Even if his family is unhappy with you, it's he who's choosing to say all this to you.How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?
My suggestion. Get over him as soon as possible. It'll be tough but worth. And reduce weight for yourself. You might feel like rubbing it in his face and that is not wrong, but its like keeping a hot coal in hand to throw at someone. You'll be the one burning.
Screw him. Take charge of your life. Do it for your health, for your happiness. And once you'd start losing, you'll get your confidence back. And you'll come out of this much stronger and happier.
Why am i saying this? Coz I've been where you're sweety!0 -
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You can't change people. He doesn't deserve you and you definitely deserve someone who loves you for who you are. If he really loves you he wouldn't care so much about what his family thinks. I don't think that my family will ever approve of anybody that I am with. As everybody else has said, don't lose the weight for anybody but yourself. You are the only one that matters. Take the anger that you are feeling right now and put it into your weight loss. I am an emotional eater so eating is what I used to do when I was angry. I now find that I can fuel that anger into a strong workout at the gym. You are a beautiful person and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.0
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Hi everyone! I have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. He met me when I was overweight and didn't have a big problem with it. We were attracted to each other and had a pretty happy relationship. His family recently visited for the first time, and ever since then he has been treating me differently. When we talked about marriage, he said that he won't propose unless I lose a lot of weight. He said his family made him realize how heavy I am and he doesn't want to be with me if I am that overweight. I am 5'4" and 250 pounds. He said he doesn't want to be walking in the mall with me and have people wonder why he is with me. He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks. He wants someone that wears bikinis and short shorts. He said he has only been holding onto me because he loves me and hopes I will change. He said he would pay for me to reduce my boobs now just so I would look less heavy.
Obviously this hurt me a lot since I have been struggling with my weight since my sophomore year of college. He knows I try hard to lose and fall back into unhealthy emotional patterns. I have gone through surgery lately and faced setbacks. It hurts me that he loves me for me until he saw what his family said about my weight. Especially since they aren't thin people either. (Even he isn't super active and has a bit of a belly)
So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?
He sounds like a weak man to be so easily manipulated be his family. You don't want to be stuck with that for the rest of your life. Dump him.0 -
You need to lose signficant weight - Namely, the *kitten* who said those things to you. If his love is conditional on you fitting a particular visual standard, than he's not truly in love with you. I could understand his frustration if you were a size 8 when you guys met and you gained 100 pounds. However, that does not appear to be the case. He's gotta go. And when you commit to losing weight, it needs to be about setting a new healthy lifestyle standard for yourself, not creating the appropriate visual for someone whose love is so conditional. Oh and his family needs to get a mental health check up. There's something wrong with all of them.0
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You are SO lucky. Like Ebeneezer Scrooge you have seen the ghost of Marriage Future and found him lacking.
Your very astute post indicates know what you need to do. The opinion of strangers is not really necessary. Your real friends will back you on making the right decision for both your physical and mental health. Other MFP posters have said it better, he's a superficial douchbag with a controlling family that will make you miserable. If you are a stress eater your weight could easily go up rather than down.
Best to you. Live life happy!
So very true! You should be happy you gotta know his reality before marriage. Or else it'd have been worse.0 -
Hi everyone! I have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. He met me when I was overweight and didn't have a big problem with it. We were attracted to each other and had a pretty happy relationship. His family recently visited for the first time, and ever since then he has been treating me differently. When we talked about marriage, he said that he won't propose unless I lose a lot of weight. He said his family made him realize how heavy I am and he doesn't want to be with me if I am that overweight. I am 5'4" and 250 pounds. He said he doesn't want to be walking in the mall with me and have people wonder why he is with me. He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks. He wants someone that wears bikinis and short shorts. He said he has only been holding onto me because he loves me and hopes I will change. He said he would pay for me to reduce my boobs now just so I would look less heavy.
Obviously this hurt me a lot since I have been struggling with my weight since my sophomore year of college. He knows I try hard to lose and fall back into unhealthy emotional patterns. I have gone through surgery lately and faced setbacks. It hurts me that he loves me for me until he saw what his family said about my weight. Especially since they aren't thin people either. (Even he isn't super active and has a bit of a belly)
So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?
If you were perfect for him, the weight wouldn't be what holds him back from saying he'd like to marry you. That's b.s., IMO.
It's fine if he prefers women a certain way...I don't find that shallow or superficial.... HOWEVER, I do not think it's fine to expect someone to change for you or to push pressure on yourself to change for someone else so you can wear short shorts and feel loved by him.. If you are going to lose weight and keep it off, it's going to be when you are doing it for you and only you. If he doesn't love you enough to stand by and support you, then show him the door. I'd be more willing to believe he has your best interest in mind if all his reasons for wanting you to lose weight weren't just about benefiting him..i.e. people looking at HIM...HIM wanting you to look like a certain way because he likes to look at "thin" chicks that look that way... if it was "I want you to be healthy...live longer...be happy"...then THAT I could understand.
Again...just my opinion.0 -
Be glad to be rid of him now before you're married and there are kids involved. Run far far away from this pathetic loser.0
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I don't understand why after 2 1/2 years this would happen if you've been overweight the whole time. I get that there are a lot of guys who aren't attracted to bigger women (and that's totally acceptable because we all have preferences) but for him to just decide that it's no longer okay and want you to change FOR HIM, well that's just wrong.
If you want to change, then change, but do it for yourself. If you decide to stay, that's fine, too, but be prepared for him to leave you if you gain any weight back. (Personally, staying with someone who has decided that I'm only good enough if I'm thin enough to 'check out' and who will likely leave me if I was to fall off the wagon and gain the weight back just sounds like a bad time, but that's just me.)0 -
Without knowing your guy, I don't think that he is being a jerk--superficial maybe, but I think he was just being honest. When people consider marriage, it puts things in a new perspective--you need to think about whether you will be happy being with just one other person for the rest of your life, not just the next day or week. For some people, physical attraction is a deal breaker, and for some people, it is difficult to be attracted to someone who is overweight, no matter how attractive they are otherwise. It sucks, but you don't want to be with someone who has these doubts about whether he can love you unconditionally.
As for losing weight, you can't lose weight for anyone other than yourself--it takes a LOT of hard work and motivation to lose weight, and that drive needs to come from inside of you, not from a desire to make someone else happy. That said, if you want to lose weight, it's good to have a lot of reasons--some will motivate you more than others on any particular day. If wanting to be more attractive to a particular man or men in general is on that list, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you have other reasons that are more personal to you (i.e., stuff like feeling good about yourself and wanting to be healthy) that you can call upon those days when you don't give a crap about what men think.0 -
Oh, and just to point out what makes this guy a huge douche. You have been together for 2 1/2 years. You are just meeting his family!!!! What? Is that real. He puts that much stock in a family that he obviously isn't that close to, really?He doesn't love you, he loves an idea and you are not it. He wants perfect, which does not exist. I think hit the nail right on the head when you said he and his family will just find something else to not like. You want to see if this relationship will last. Point out all of his shortcomings to him and tell him you want him to fix them or else. I bet you will see where things really stand, really fast.0 -
Jess,
He is not as committed to the relationship as you might be, nor will he ever. When I read this statement, I could tell that there is more to this situation than he is telling:He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks.
If he was completely devoted to you and loved you as much as he says he does, he wouldnt be checking out ANY OTHER CHICKS~!!!
He is NOT the marrying kind. If he is doing this now, regardless of YOUR weight, he will do this later. I have seen on here so many women who talk about how their husbands dont care about their weight. They love them for WHO they are, not what they look like. This guy doesn't love you for who you are when he can make statements like not wanting to talk marriage until you drop weight.
You have had some good times with him, but in my humble opinion, I would let this one go. You need to focus on you and you can't do that when he is in your life and pressuring you like this. You do not need that emotional rollercoaster because it will hinder your progress.
Drop him and spend all that time you would spend with him on working out and discovering the beautiful YOU that you are!! You ARE beautfiul, you don't need him to tell you that, you need YOU to tell you that!!!0 -
Dump him. That's awful.
AGREED!!! Plain and Simple!0 -
Run.
Run far away.
That is NOT love.
Run.
This!!!0 -
If you decide to lose weight then do it for you and not for him. As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I think that once you lose the weight, he will only find something else wrong with you. His demands will get worse especially after you have kids with him. You're a beautiful woman and you deserve a man that will treat you like a queen.0
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Did you ever see that movie "Shallow Hal," reminds me of him. Lose weight for anyone else but you, your setting yourself up for a life of stress and regret. Also, if he is worried more, about what his "not so skinny family" thinks, than his feelings for you, than chance is he isn't your soul mate!0
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Don't ever let someone make you feel like less of a person. In marriage, there are a lot more stresses in life than the number on the scale. At least you found out his feelings now. Don't change for him...only for yourself. However, I'm really sorry that you had a long relationship end it's always very painful.0
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Wow...I don't know the whole of your relationship but what you just described sounds incredibly shallow. If he loved you for you, then he would love you for you regardless of your weight. Love supports and encourages, not cuts down and judges. And I think you are right...If you lose the weight for HIM, there will likely be something else down the road that just isn't right for him. Also, if you don't do it for yourself and your own health your chances of success are dramatically reduced. You have to make the choice for yourself. I think that once you make the decision for yourself and start making headway you will see the value in yourself and that you don't need people like this guy or his family in your life to only love you with conditions.0
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Sounds to me that if you lost him, you would be dumping a lot of dead weight and that's just the start.
Seriously, you're pic shows that on the outside you are already beautiful. No question there.
As far as the actual amount of lbs, where you want to be is up to you. What weight is going to make YOU happy? That's all that matters. There are 8 bajillion guys out there and you can and will find one that wants you for you...but you have to be confident and happy with yourself. If you don't like what you see, change it. Understand it will take time, and just do it. 1 lbs a week, 2 lbs a week, 1/2 lb a week...doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself up and don't starve yourself. Exercise, lift weights...do what makes you feel healthy, strong, and confident.
As far as the boy you were with, you are better off without him.0 -
I was dumped by a guy I had been with for about 1 1/2 years and his reason was that "we had different interests". He later admitted (and told several of my friends) that he broke up with me because I was getting fat. Mind you, I had gained several pounds my sophomore year of college and was under a lot of stress working full time. You know how crushing this is. BUT the really cool thing and silver lining was that it fueled my motivation to get fit. I wanted to flaunt my body in front of him as if to say, "Yeah, you broke up with me when I was 50 lbs heavier, and NOW look at me!" Mind you, I didn't want to get back with him. I just wanted a little revenge. hehe. And it worked!
That was some of the best motivation I've ever had and while I was really working on getting fit, I met a great guy who LOVES my curves, my body, AND my personality. It's the best feeling in the world being loved for who you are and not what you are! We're still together 3 years later. Take my advice. Tell him you're worth far more than that, and if he is that superficial, then who needs him? He sounds like a real jerk. Do you really want to be with someone and constantly worrying about your weight because you're afraid you'll lose or displease him? NO. You don't. So when people say that you should get fit for yourself, it's totally true....but don't underestimate the power of exacting a little positive revenge. It is SO worth it. :happy:0 -
The best weight you'll ever lose is that guy. Allow the hurt and anger to fuel a good fitness rage and work from there.0
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