Eloping, incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish?

smartin0181

Go girl! We were engaged for 1 year and that whole year I was stressed trying to figure out what we wanted in a wedding and how we were going to afford it. My fiance and I couldn't agree on anything. I didn't want to start our marriage in debt. Also, I had never cared about a wedding per se, I just wanted to be married to the man I loved and a wedding was like a huge mountain in the way . Finally I said i wanted to elope but as we thought about it, realized my and his parents might want to come. We ended up picking a church and telling our close family and friends that we'd be getting married in 3 weeks there and would love them to come if they could make it. We hosted a dinner for just them (20 people) afterwards. Also, his parents helped us tremendously with the cost. Family does want to see you married, but it's expensive for them too (travel, gifts, clothes, time off work). So sometimes they might be happy if you elope as well. It might depend. Good luck! (we've been married 6 years)

OMG! I completely feel the same way! I am getting married in september and I don't even want to think about it. Everyone tells you how great and fun it is to plan, well news flash its not all that great. So much hassle and frustration. I like how you said it a mountain in the way. Nicely said. and thank you!v I am just looking forward to our honeymoon : )

Bekahmardis

Elope. The weddings are usually for the guests, not the bride and groom.....

kariannmbc

I personally would prefer to elope (maybe with parents and siblings, MAYBE), then throw a house-warming party once we got settled after the wedding.

Still trying to talk my SO into that.....

LemonsAndCoffee

My husband and I went to a justice of the peace (she did ceremonies out of her house) with just immediate family. Then afterwards other family and friends were invited to a local restaraunt for lunch to celebrate. It was small, didn't cost much, and in the end, we were married which was all that mattered. We have been married 6 years this past March.

AmberLee2012

You are so young, not even out of school yet. Take your time and enjoy the enagement. Maybe do something small with just the important people in your life in your favorite place. You don't have to have bridesmaids and groomsmen. I met my husband in 2004 and got married in 2007. We had a big wedding with a wedding party of 16. If I could go back, I would gotten married in the honeymoon location. After all of the expenses with the wedding and reception, we never got a honeymoon, and I'm still sad about that. Save up and make it special

lithezebra

I did it. I was 34, was estranged from a parent, and didn't need anyone's permission or approval to live my life. Some people may consider that to be lonely, but I did not choose my parents, and most of my friends haven't gotten married at all, so it isn't like I'm the only one who hasn't had a wedding. We went to France for three weeks and I saw places and art that I've always wanted to see. I bonded with my husband instead of stressing over a big party.

InnerConflict

Too busy to read all the replies, but the word that comes to mind is ECONOMICAL!

The money we could have wasted on a wedding made for a really nice down payment on our house. Not a single regret.

thrld

If you elope, you can choose to have the big reception at a later date. No need to get re-married once you're married. If you want a big wedding ceremony, then don't elope. No double-dipping.

But the reception -- that can happen whenever and can be hosted by you & partner, or by all parents, or by your friends -- who ever is willing to pay (note: the person who pays gets to have say in the guest list, so if you want small and casual you might insist on paying). Let your budget decide the type of reception (if at all), and the size of the guest list. No fair asking guests to pay. It doesn't have to be expensive to be a good time - like this barbque reception -- http://www.younghouselove.com/wedding-album/
I bet everyone there had a good time and remembers it as a great wedding/reception.

OspreyVista

Your marriage is about you and your spouse.

^This. I believe that getting married the way YOU want is the most important. Your marriage is about you and your spouse, NOT you your spouse, and your family members. If you want to share that special day with your family, that is fantastic and a great treat for them. Also, if you want to do a 6-8 hour away wedding, that's YOUR choice. Don't let anyone choose for you on where or when you get married. Marriage is between a couple, and it should end up being what you both want it to be. If you want to elope that's fantastic. If you want to elope and invite your family members or friends to join you that's fantastic too. I'm getting married in 13 months and our wedding venue that we picked is 7 hours away from us, and that's where my man wanted it. No, we are not paying for lodging. We have had quite a bit of people ask us why the heck we would choose to have our wedding that far away when there are spots closer that would be great. The answer: We WANT it there. We like it there, and think it's the perfect spot. We aren't going to change our minds just because family/friends think we should. I believe in only getting married once and I don't believe in divorce. So if I'm going o be getting married to a man forever, I want it to be the perfect spot and make it what we both want, and that's exactly what we are doing. This is just how I view it

Shauncho49

we just went to the courthouse and did our thing with our folks and we were out. We love each other just as much as we would have if we spent a million dollars for one day of headache and stress. NOT WORTH IT!

jrose1982

I wish my brother and his fiance would just elope - they're just starting to make plans and it's already stressing them out.

Have the simple wedding you want. If you really want some family there, just invite your parents. Anybody who gets offended - that's their problem.

If you're really worried about offending people, you can always send out announcements (not invitations) to make people feel included. That would provide an opportunity for you to say you opted for a very small wedding because you just couldn't wait. If you do that, be sure to say thank you for something - their support, their love, whatever. That should placate anybody that feels left out.

The idea of having a reception or party later is also a good one.
After my sister eloped, my parents through them a big potluck reception (a couple weeks after) so everybody could celebrate. They kept it simple and casual. It was the most enjoyable wedding celebration I've ever been to (I hate formal weddings, they're boring).

Whether it's "incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish" - it might be both. I vote neither. I think it's a means to an end.

neandermagnon

My boyfriend and I have wanted to get married for a while but because we are broke we have postponed an engagement and wedding until after we graduate and get real jobs. I woke up today thinking why don't we just take off for the upper peninsula this summer and elope? It's our favorite place on the planet and incredibly beautiful and I know we'd feel right about being married. He thinks its a great idea but has the same worries about the family as I do.
After experiencing weddings as a bridesmaid/maid of honor I have zero desire to shell out tons of money and deal with all the obnoxiousness that comes with decorating and planning a big wedding and reception. The idea of marrying the man of my dreams in the wilderness is so enticing but I just worry about offending our family and friends by not including them. We could invite them because having them there would be amazing and if we chose a tiny church it would be accessible. It would be very low key with a ceremony and just a dinner after but a hassle to most because of the distance. Is it acceptable to invite guests to a wedding roughly a 6/8 hour drive away and not pay for their lodging? Would it be better to not invite anyone at all and keep it a "traditional" elopement?

if I were you, i'd plan a quiet little wedding in the location of your choice, wilderness or not (it's your day), and even work in the theme of eloping into it, but invite everyone you want to be there. tell them you won't be offended if they don't want to drive all that way.

Maybe you can get some cheap accommodation like tents or something. Maybe for elderly relatives something more substantial like a BnB (or the USA equivalent of a BnB if you have them?? it's like someone's house but turned into a mini hotel, where you can get a room and breakfast the next morning (but none of the fancy things you get in hotels), and it's a lot cheaper than staying in an actual hotel)

if there was a ton of family drama and issues with family, then eloping would be understandable but if you generally get on with your family, i think it would cause upset. Many of them probably would be prepared to make the journey. I travelled 3000 miles by plane to go to my brother's wedding (I live abroad and travelled back home for it) and my daughters were flower girls at the wedding. I think your family would be fine with travelling if they really want to be there for you, just make sure it's easy for elderly family members.

It's your wedding, so the location, kind of ceremony and how much you want to spend is absolutely entirely up to you.

jrose1982

we just went to the courthouse and did our thing with our folks and we were out. We love each other just as much as we would have if we spent a million dollars for one day of headache and stress. NOT WORTH IT!

You probably love each other more than you would if you had gone a million dollars in debt for one day. The financial strain people put on themselves with overpriced weddings is enough to kill any marriage.

bwnorton

Eloping is not selfish! Eloping takes several forms - one is just the two of you. Another form may include your immediate family and a friend or two. Both work. The marriage is between the two of you - nobody else. The wedding is not the marriage. It appears to be more sketchy to show off how big a wedding you can throw and how many people you can invite. I went to one where the bride had two dresses and the party cost a fortune. I think they invited almost 1000 people. The couple divorced three years later.

devilwhiterose

We eloped due to an upcoming deployment/timing/pregnancy...and that's the only thing I regret.

I was 6 months pregnant, no dress, no cake, no family, no dad to walk me down the aisle, no pictures. I look back and just...nope. I wouldn't have done it that way. We were going to have a renewal later but then I got pregnant with twins and the family in general was like..."Why bother? You're already married?" So...ya.

We have lasted though. Been together 10 years, married for 4-1/2. That's my own story though...I just don't like that fact that I have no wedding pictures to show my kids.

HermioneDanger118

I did it. I was 34, was estranged from a parent, and didn't need anyone's permission or approval to live my life. Some people may consider that to be lonely, but I did not choose my parents, and most of my friends haven't gotten married at all, so it isn't like I'm the only one who hasn't had a wedding. We went to France for three weeks and I saw places and art that I've always wanted to see. I bonded with my husband instead of stressing over a big party.

This wedding sounds fabulous. A wedding sandwiched in an amazing trip ...

HermioneDanger118

Also, this was just on Jezebel and I can totally relate: http://jezebel.com/just-tell-your-friends-that-you-can-t-afford-to-go-to-t-486159148

daffodilsoup

You're 22 - why rush to get married?

because they want to. that's not really your business.

Then why ask people's opinions on a public forum?

Well, to be fair, she didn't ask "I'm 22 years old, do you think I should get married?" now did she?

Everyone matures at a different rate. I met my husband when I was 23 and we've been together for 22 years. Sometimes you just know that you've found the right one.

Frankly I don't think I asked anything all that rude or invasive. People live to be almost a hundred these days - I'm just questioning the decision to commit to something like that at 22.

That's great that it worked out for you, but statistically, it doesn't really tend to work out like that.

You're still missing the point -- OP was not asking for approval for her marriage. She was asking on opinions on how to get married. The initial comment about "rushing to get married" was off-topic, plain and simple.

I didn't really give my approval, I simply asked what the rush was because "giant wedding" and "elope" aren't the only two options here. Don't get me wrong - whether OP stays happily married or gets divorced within a few weeks, my life carries on business as usual. She can do whatever she likes.

But, if she and her boyfriend are still in school, don't really have jobs or careers, could use to save some money, are very young, marriage may not be the most mature, thought-out option right now.

That doesn't mean she has to take my stance into account - she can go right ahead and get married. I just don't see what's wrong with simply being in a relationship while you're still figuring yourself out.

irishladyo

Sorry if I'm repeating what others ahve said, I didn't read many of the responses. It's your wedding and your life. YES, some family members may be upset but again, it's YOUR wedding and YOUR life. Do whats right for you and you wont regret a thing! I had a wedding with lots of guests and I loved it but I did it MY way, all the way and it was the best ever. You can always have a ceremony down the line if you feel you missed out or want to make others happy.

Hellbent_Heidi

I didn't read all the posts...but how about a compromise between the two extremes? Go elope and have your ceremony in the U.P. YOUR way, (without all the drama) and then have a big, fun party later (closer to home) to celebrate a short time after! You don't have to make it a big fancy hall reception...it can be a barbeque in the summer or something like that...just a good time that doesn't have to cost you a fortune. That way, your family can still celebrate the marriage with you, and you can

Not to sound greedy, but being older and more experienced (and being among the last of my FIFTEEN female cousins to get married), I can tell you that this will be the one shot at registering for wedding gifts and all that stuff (from all the family and friends whose weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, etc, that you have or will be giving gifts to).....so you might want to consider having some kind of reception (but again, it doesn't have to cost a boatload of money).