A man says "need time" ... question for the men

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raige123
raige123 Posts: 352
in Chit-Chat
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
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  • NutellaAddict
    NutellaAddict Posts: 1,258 Member
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    Give him his time.
  • craigmandu
    craigmandu Posts: 976 Member
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    Pretty much impossible to give you sort of advice....as without knowing the two of you, it would simply be conjecture.

    I hope it works out for you!
  • NormInv
    NormInv Posts: 3,302 Member
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    The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    Well he is just a boyfriend, he's not your husband so...give him a little time, sure. But he doesn't get to decide YOUR life, you do! You decide how much time you want to give him and stick to it. 2 weeks? a month? 3? It's up to you! Me personally I would say Ok, you don't want to break up, well I do because in a relationship we work through things together! I will give you all the space you need, see ya later! But that's just me. As a young woman I wasted time allowing others to trifle with me and affect my life plans; waiting on them to decide what they wanted to do. Luckily I got my head on straight while I was still young so didn't waste too much time.

    After you decide how much time you're willing to give him, tell him and stick to it. You have the right not to have your love life put on hold.
  • raige123
    raige123 Posts: 352
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    The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.

    Harder then it seems to have no contact although I am trying very hard. We are best friends and talked all the time, and now nothing.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
  • raige123
    raige123 Posts: 352
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    Well he is just a boyfriend, he's not your husband so...give him a little time, sure. But he doesn't get to decide YOUR life, you do! You decide how much time you want to give him and stick to it. 2 weeks? a month? 3? It's up to you! Me personally I would say Ok, you don't want to break up, well I do because in a relationship we work through things together! I will give you all the space you need, see ya later! But that's just me. As a young woman I wasted time allowing others to trifle with me and affect my life plans; waiting on them to decide what they wanted to do. Luckily I got my head on straight while I was still young so didn't waste too much time.

    After you decide how much time you're willing to give him, tell him and stick to it. You have the right not to have your love life put on hold.

    This is another thing I am having a hard time with. You do work on things together in a relationship. I told him I wanted to help him figure things out and he said he's the only one who could do that and he needs time, and can't tell me how much time he needs. I struggle with this because allowing him this time, when he is ready to come back, is that telling him it's ok to do this to me whenever he wants? I asked him flat out how he'd feel if I just out of the blue told him I didn't want to talk to him until I could think about stuff and he said he would be sad and he understands but needs the time. I'm not ok with this "vacation" from me ... and I can put on my clown face and put on the show and pretend its ok but its not. I'm torn up. I love him, I love his kids equally.
  • raige123
    raige123 Posts: 352
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    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

    Thank you for this quote. Where is it from?
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    Go out to the bar with some girlfriends this weekend. Get hammered and send him a drunk group picture. Preferably with girl kissing.
    Follow up almost immediately with a text that says, "Sorry that was for someone else."

    You will have him lapping at your heels within a week,
  • DalekBrittany
    DalekBrittany Posts: 1,748 Member
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    Give him his time. No one likes a stage 5 clinger.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    all you can do is what he needs - as hard as that is for you - give him his space. I TOTALLY get where you are coming from, right down to the recent new job and bestfriend... best of luck!
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
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    My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.

    People need their space from time to time. It could be about you, it may not be.

    He's not "abandoning" you. He told you he needs his space. Quit being so needy...

    Give it to him, it's not that hard...
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

    Thank you for this quote. Where is it from?

    http://quotations.about.com/od/lovequotes/a/lovequotes43.htm

    Giving people space and time for themselves is essential for a healthy, functioning relationship in my view.
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,136 Member
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    Give him his time. No one likes a stage 5 clinger.
  • iulia_maddie
    iulia_maddie Posts: 2,780 Member
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    “abandon your girlfriend”

    Overreacting a bit? He just said he wanted time. Plus, you’ve only been dating for 7 months, relax a little. Time apart is good.
  • bella_babe_86
    bella_babe_86 Posts: 503 Member
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    Normally, guys don't do the whole double meaning thing. They say what they mean and us women tend to over analyze what they say. Give him his time, maybe he is just overwhelmed with life and needs to evaluate what is going on. Don't take it personally, just be supportive.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
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    “abandon your girlfriend”

    Overreacting a bit? He just said he wanted time. Plus, you’ve only been dating for 7 months, relax a little. Time apart is good.

    You're not leaving me are you???!?!?!?!?
  • darkguardian419
    darkguardian419 Posts: 1,302 Member
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    Give him his time...

    Attempting to force anything will only help to force it in the direction you don't want to go. Maybe this 'time' honestly has nothing to do with you at all, he just needs no distractions to find himself/figure out what he needs.

    I know when I need time, it's purely that.. and anyone who interrupts that leaves the area crying.
  • CrazyTrackLady
    CrazyTrackLady Posts: 1,337 Member
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    7 months is hardly enough time to consider it a "solid, committed relationship", but then again, I've been married to the same man for 23 years, and knew him for 4 years before that, so...

    ETA: And, I kinda like it when we spend time apart. It helps to take a breather once in a while.
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
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    “abandon your girlfriend”

    Overreacting a bit? He just said he wanted time. Plus, you’ve only been dating for 7 months, relax a little. Time apart is good.

    You're not leaving me are you???!?!?!?!?

    Wait, Tyler are you leaving me? WHAT DID I DO!? COME BACK!

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