A man says "need time" ... question for the men
Replies
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That's tough. I'm not sure how I would respond... I would hope that I would give him his space and go have a lot of fun, post a bunch of FB pictures of me and the girls hanging out, having a great time, and occasionally send him a friend-text, asking how he's doing with a little smiley face on the end.
I'm half-joking, though. Maybe he found out a parent or relative is very ill. Maybe he's dealing with something intensely personal and doesn't feel like dragging you into it. On the other hand, maybe he's pulling away and found someone else. It's hard to know off of such little info. All you can do is have respect for yourself, honor his wishes and hope for the best. In the meantime, don't stop living.
Best of luck.
The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.
Well then it sounds like to me that he is just trying to figure out how to manage his life a little better. Sometimes when you get overwhelmed, something has to give for a little while. He can't stop going to work or taking care of his kids so he is opting not to have to worry about managing your relationship for a little while. It doesn't mean anything against you. Just give the guy a chance to work through it. If you think he is taking too long, then move on, but this doesn't have to be the end of your relationship.
Remember that relationships are work. They require give-and-take. Right now, you have to give him time and he has to take it. If he takes more time than you are comfortable with, then it's up to you to decide what you really want. But for now, give him time.0 -
That's tough. I'm not sure how I would respond... I would hope that I would give him his space and go have a lot of fun, post a bunch of FB pictures of me and the girls hanging out, having a great time, and occasionally send him a friend-text, asking how he's doing with a little smiley face on the end.
I'm half-joking, though. Maybe he found out a parent or relative is very ill. Maybe he's dealing with something intensely personal and doesn't feel like dragging you into it. On the other hand, maybe he's pulling away and found someone else. It's hard to know off of such little info. All you can do is have respect for yourself, honor his wishes and hope for the best. In the meantime, don't stop living.
Best of luck.
The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.
i say again....STOP OVER THINKING.
We men, note the MEN...not the boys, are SIMPLE. We say what we mean. The dude has not time for just himself.
GIVE HIM SPACE0 -
Give him his time.
this. it isn't about you.0 -
I agree with you. Guys tend to be straightforward and just say what they mean and we as women get all worked up deciphering and obsessing. Try to find something to occupy your team. Each day should be a little easier. Good luck!0
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My fiance wouldn't do this to me. Just saying. (About 3 and a half years here.)0
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Well I'm a guy but the last time I heard " need time " I ended up single at my parents house, without a job, and on myfitnesspal(this last one has been a good thing)... and as a person above said being there actually will push him away, I don't know him but everywhere I read the need time stories usually ends with a breakup, in my case we were engaged and 3 months before " the day ", She decided She needs time, She said won't be long just a little time, and well I gave it to her, We were still online always on Skype/Facebook chat but she even asked me to don't talk to her unless She talks to me... lol... (not so funny really...) but I did everything She asked, some days later She decided She still wants to do things by herself and She didn't want to marry me anymore, and with all this I was like in shock, because we never had a single fight, we never disrespected each other, there was always tons of love between us, She had a personal dream before we meet and She told me about it when we started hanging out as becoming friends and closer... But it all changed when we fell in love and She forgot about it, and as time passed by we got happier and happier and engaged, but in the end well, I don't know, after that She said she loves me and She wants to be friends (of course I accepted I couldn't imagine life without her) plus I was trying to get back together, but I guess that just won't work, this happened 2 months ago and since that day She started to be all busy and tired with family issues, She was living at her sister's house, and She was talking to me less and less as time goes, started to change the way she used to be/talk to me still She said she will always love me because I'm the first man she has ever loved and I will always be in a special part of her heart and that is why I'm the only ex she asked to stay friends with... I asked her like 4 times if does She really wants to be friends or should I just go away from her life and leave her in peace because I felt I was like annoying her since she was ignoring my messages, but She swore that's not what She wants, she wants to be friends forever, She just got a new Job, and told me she is very busy and doesn't really have time to talk, and asked me to give her time and She will talk to me more when she gets that settled and stuff, and yes I have been there for her whenever she contacted me, but She didn't do the same for me, last weekend we talked for like 5 mins and I asked her to be honest, and She said, she is very busy she will talk to me more when she gets settled and that She is trying to get over me that She wants space to distance herself (I still don't know what did she really mean with that) goodnight, I love you, mwa... so yes, I stopped trying to get back together like idk a month ago, I was just trying to stay in touch as friends, talk and such because I haven't only lost my fiancee but my best friend... I have thought we should just delete each other from skype but I'm not strong enough to do that... I already canceled my Facebook account... because it hurts me to see her, I did everything with her and after this I can't find myself doing anything seriously everything reminds me of her and I don't feel motivated to do things we used to do together on my own, and actually this morning before writting this I was kind of happy and motivated after these months of grieving because of what I accomplished yesterday on my first day with myfitnesspal and the awesome people I've met on here, I just sent her a little message on Skype saying this: " Good morning beautiful I just wanted to wish you a great Tuesday, I hope you are doing awesome at your new job, big kiss, I love you, mwa
" and She disconnected lol... I know she is at work so maybe that's why, I don't know, I don't hate her and I could never do it, she is hurting me a lot yes, but idk if she is hurt too and actually me being there, talking to her is bad for her and I don't want to give her any kind of pain, but one sure thing, since she asked me for time, she has been trying to get over me and moving on, while I was trying to get back together and my life like stopped while she was advancing, and I know is not fair what She has been doing to me, but I think If I should have been gone from her life as soon as she broke up, she would have missed me and probably wanted to get back with me, but as I have been here, I have been actually helping her getting over me, because she is trying to do it and whenever she feels she miss me or something she just sees I'm there so she doesn't worry, I don't want to play mind tricks or anything, I still love her and I still would love to get back together, but since yesterday when I started with myfitnesspal I decided it's time for me to continue and start to move on as she has been doing, but now I just don't lost all the motivation gained from yesterday... sigh, so, what I think you should do is, as he asks you for time, you continue with your life, yes I know is hard, I've been there and I couldn't do it, or maybe I just didn't want to really try since I was trying so bad to get back together, but I'm sure if you give him his time and space, while of course you will think of him and miss him, but doing things by your own, idk go hang out with your friends, go to the movies, start a new hobby, continue with your fitnesspal do not contact him, but let him know that you are fine with him or without him indirectly, He will see how you are happy and living your life normal and he will eventually miss you and he will be wondering why aren't you contacting him, why are you living your life normal, what are you doing, etc. So he will be actually the one thinking of you, and if in the end it didn't work, I'm pretty sure you won't feel as bad as I am because you were distracted and having fun while feeling a little sad some times and maybe some tears during the night, but the half happy times doing the stuff I said or stuff you life will help you get over that grieving phase in case it doesn't go as you would love to. anyway I'm not an expert but I'm a bad example lol, sorry for making this too long, I wish you the best luck and I hope you both can get through, just try to don't think much... thinking and memories will kill you, I know. 0 -
Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Seriously. It sounds ridiculous, but it helps put some insight in a man's head.0
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Give him some time and space sometimes you just need that to get your mind right!!0
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This is the best advice - if he loves you this time away will make him crazy - if it doesn't in short order- say goodbye and be glad you didn't waste anymore time on him.Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
Actually I'm not 'all bent out of shape' because of the kids, I just think that it's a sh*itty thing for him to do to his kids as well as to her.
And, no, it does not take more time than 7 months to cement a relationship with a child. 7 months is a LONG time to a kid. That's practically a school year. Their frame of reference in regards to time is different than adults.
If he's 'working up the nerve to propose' good heavens what kind of marriage will that be? Every time he 'needs space' he's going to withdraw? Eh, she can do better. Lots of other fish in the sea. I just hate to see young women allowing themselves to be trifled over, when they can take the reins of their own lives. She doesn't have to sit around waiting on him to decide what he's going to do with her life. Nope! he can certainly decide for his life, and she can do the same for hers.0 -
He's probably having a sex change operation.
I read about that happening once, on the internet.0 -
He's probably having a sex change operation.
I read about that happening once, on the internet.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
people saying that 7 months is too short of time to be in it deep with someone, that's just plain B.S...0
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The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
Actually I'm not 'all bent out of shape' because of the kids, I just think that it's a sh*itty thing for him to do to his kids as well as to her.
And, no, it does not take more time than 7 months to cement a relationship with a child. 7 months is a LONG time to a kid. That's practically a school year. Their frame of reference in regards to time is different than adults.
If he's 'working up the nerve to propose' good heavens what kind of marriage will that be? Every time he 'needs space' he's going to withdraw? Eh, she can do better. Lots of other fish in the sea. I just hate to see young women allowing themselves to be trifled over, when they can take the reins of their own lives. She doesn't have to sit around waiting on him to decide what he's going to do with her life. Nope! he can certainly decide for his life, and she can do the same for hers.
You shouldn't even be introducing your kids to someone you've only been seeing for 7 months. This whole thread is crazy.0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
Harder then it seems to have no contact although I am trying very hard. We are best friends and talked all the time, and now nothing.
uh... best friends are there for you. even if he wants take a romantic time out, if he wanted to be friends he would still be in that mode too. yeah, he may have been YOUR best friend.... you know. some people yearn to have someone in their lives, then are afraid of being close so their lives area a series of push me pull you relationships. a pity. but their choice. If you like that, I can give you the name of my ex husband.....0 -
Prepare yourself to be broken up with. Whoever said guys are very direct is correct, but also hasn't accounted for the guys who are so nice that they feel guilty for breaking up because the woman's a good woman - just not good for him. And this was my nice way of saying this:
When I have used this line of action of action in the past, this was the reason.0 -
Time apart doesn't mean you quit living your life. May as well go out and enjoy this time apart. I'm not sure I'd tell him you got a month but I'm pretty darn sure that if he don't have it together by that time you will need to move on. Start lining up your options now. His life on hold does not mean your life is on hold, just on hold with him. Sucks about the kids though. And if and when he's ready again, at that point you tell him this is his one shot at putting you on hold. Next time he feels the need to do it then he needs to know you won't be waiting for him when he's ready to come back again.0
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I feel like 7 months is ample time to have a serious relationship. If you arent getting serious around that point, might as well save some time.0
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Get a new boyfriend.0
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I would rather be alone *forever* if my alternative was bull-pucky like what you're describing. (Says the woman whose happy marriage just ticked past 20 years and does not engage in such chicanery.)You people give me grief on my suggestion. But really dating is a game. The most deadliest of games.
Also whats wrong with going out with friends and having a good time. He gets his alone time. Its also strategically set up to let him know that you are not a stage 5 clinger. When he asks WHO was that for? Just tell him the name of another girl and say you were sooo drunk you don't even remember. This lets him know you are a fun time. That you have fun friends, and he can be part of that life too. Its just a good thing I have a ring on my finger now because I am just like a stealthy ninja.
Its war, do you want him back or feel good with your inner child.0 -
This is true --He's sleeping with someone else and trying to figure out which one of you he likes better.0 -
He wants to see other people.0
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I hate to say it but it sounds like he has had interest from a new, exciting female but feels comfortable with what he has with you so is keeping you on 'stand-by'. I would tell him where to go, if he really is having issues, you are the one person he should want to work through it with... if not he is not in the same place as you in the relationship.0
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The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
Actually I'm not 'all bent out of shape' because of the kids, I just think that it's a sh*itty thing for him to do to his kids as well as to her.
And, no, it does not take more time than 7 months to cement a relationship with a child. 7 months is a LONG time to a kid. That's practically a school year. Their frame of reference in regards to time is different than adults.
If he's 'working up the nerve to propose' good heavens what kind of marriage will that be? Every time he 'needs space' he's going to withdraw? Eh, she can do better. Lots of other fish in the sea. I just hate to see young women allowing themselves to be trifled over, when they can take the reins of their own lives. She doesn't have to sit around waiting on him to decide what he's going to do with her life. Nope! he can certainly decide for his life, and she can do the same for hers.
You shouldn't even be introducing your kids to someone you've only been seeing for 7 months. This whole thread is crazy.
Well, idk. At 6 months I think it's an appropriate time amount to know if you are going to pursue a much serious relationship. In my divorce decree I have it that my daughter's dad cannot introduce our daughter to a romantic partner until after 6 months of consecutive dating.0 -
I side with the people who are saying this usually leads to breaking up. I've never had that said to me or said it to anyone else and had the relationship continue. In fact, it usually ended up messier than when we were blunt with each other. It leaves you with a devastating, mind crippling sense of false hope that drives you insane. Well in my case anyhow, but that was after 2.5 years of a "happy" relationship lol.0
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Or, you know, don't be passively waiting to be "done to" and take matters into your own hands. Better to let go and find someone who is more in tune with your needs.Prepare yourself to be broken up with.0 -
The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.
Well then it sounds like to me that he is just trying to figure out how to manage his life a little better. Sometimes when you get overwhelmed, something has to give for a little while. He can't stop going to work or taking care of his kids so he is opting not to have to worry about managing your relationship for a little while. It doesn't mean anything against you. Just give the guy a chance to work through it. If you think he is taking too long, then move on, but this doesn't have to be the end of your relationship.
Remember that relationships are work. They require give-and-take. Right now, you have to give him time and he has to take it. If he takes more time than you are comfortable with, then it's up to you to decide what you really want. But for now, give him time.
This is the best response I've seen so far!! OP, it's only been TWO DAYS! Get a grip! I have to say OP, you're coming off as quite needy and a little conceited here now that we know this guy has got a crazy hectic life and you can't be understanding enough to give him a litle room?! Sure it sucks that he blindsided you and it's a big bummer that he won't talk to you right now but stressing yourself out about it isn't going to help anyone right now. Maybe call him this weekend to see how he's doing and let him know you can watch his kids if he wants to take some time for himself. Other than that, let him be!0 -
Go out to the bar with some girlfriends this weekend. Get hammered and send him a drunk group picture. Preferably with girl kissing.
Follow up almost immediately with a text that says, "Sorry that was for someone else."
You will have him lapping at your heels within a week,
Oh yeah, play games, how immature.
Bad idea..the only one you can control is yourself. Take this time to work on personal growth.0 -
He has told you what he wants, why are you trying to fix it? I hope at that time you told him that you care about him but would only wait so long. We teach people how to treat us. The last thing you want him to learn is that you will accept this behavior on a regular basis, and sit at home in a depressed state waiting for him to get his act together. Go out, have fun, learn something new, make it a point to say "Hi" to 7 new people a day, expand your friend base, do something you've wanted to do for a long time (Vacation to some exotic place with a girl friend, even if it is only a weekend. Do not send him a text from this, you have mutual friends it will get back to him. IF it bothers him he will get back to you. .) This is a situation where you need to take time for yourself too. Improve yourself, work on your own happiness, so that if you get back together you return to him a happier better you. If you don't get back together you will still be a better you without months of regret for sitting around waiting for him to get his act together and then being dumped. Be proactive not reactive. I say do not contact him unless you did not tell him how long you would wait. If you did not I would send 1 text that said something like this " I have had time to think about your request for a time out in our relationship, I can see where you might need it and am willing to give it to you, but I can not put my life on hold forever. I have decided that I will wait xx amount of time and if you need more time than that I hope that sometime in the future that we can find our way back together, but if not maybe it was not meant to be. It will be your move to contact me next when you decide where you want our relationship to be as I will try very hard not to contact you again." Keep your life moving forward, look for the happiness in it, and be open to new opportunities.0
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So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^this. Just tell him you love him and you want to be together, but if he needs time to work some things out, that's okay, just not to take too long, then let him be. If it's meant to be, it will be. And the longer he's without you, the more he will miss you and want to see you again. If he doesn't, then he isn't worth your time anyways.
Good luck. That's tough. Stay strong.0
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