Anyone else have an Uber-Picky Eater Child?

kennethmgreen

TL;DR version:
If a child is hungry, he will eat.

Long version:
Probably not going to be a popular stance, but I believe we create picky eaters. I'm not talking about allergies, texture disorders, or even strong food preferences. Of course not everyone is going to like all food.

But we parents (especially in the US) are so amped up crazy with pressure to be good parents that the idea of our kid missing a meal or going hungry becomes a sign of abject failure. And so we cave.

I say this from my own experience as a parent, experience working in elementary schools, experience working in day care facilities, and my experience working in an emergency shelter for children (home environment where we prepared meals for them). Not scientific, but a variety of contexts across a variety of ages and ethnic backgrounds.

Kids are tenacious and will wear you down. You can give in if you want. But too many parents throw their hands up and say "I've got a super picky eater!" and then make additional meals, allow desserts and snacks, even bring McDonald's into restaurants (I know parents who have done this) so the family can all eat together.

I suspect that in our culture of abundance, the idea of our kids missing a meal sounds horrifying. Besides, why put up with the screaming fit if is simply means throwing away a few carrots? Because it teaches bad habits around food, around power struggles, around communication and trust. And I think we parents are fearful and lazy. We're scared of being "bad" parents, and we're lazy when it comes to sticking to our convictions and setting limits. It's easier to give in. I know it is.

A kid doesn't have to eat dinner. If you prepare a family meal and the kid doesn't like it, it doesn't have to be a two-way fight. You (the parent) can remain calm and simply explain that's dinner. If the kid doesn't want any of it, he can sit there quietly. It doesn't have to be punitive or vengeful. Setting limits can be done in a respectful, loving way. This idea that restricting kids is not being loving is wrong, and even damaging. Kids can go without food for a bit. They just miss the eating part of dinner. But don't take my word for it. Go ask your family doctor what will happen if your kid misses dinner. Please report back if a licensed physician states that kids need to eat at every meal no matter what. (medical issues aside)

If a child is hungry, he will eat.

When I was working at the shelter, our rule was simple: you had to try everything on your plate before getting seconds of anything or getting dessert. That meant one bite of those vegetables and you got "credit." No "clean your plate" - just trying each food on the plate. This was for kids that came from money, kids that ate from trash cans, kids who were neglected and ate Snickers for dinner. They all had the same rule. It amazes me how many parents won't commit to something like this. "She just doesn't like <insert food> - never has." And the parents give up.

If a child is hungry, she will eat.

We have two girls, and some variation of this has been said many times at our house: "No one is forcing you to eat those carrots. But I'm sorry, there won't be any ice cream if you don't have some of them." One daughter is much pickier than the other. She sometimes doesn't get dessert. And THAT'S NOT FAIR!!

WinoGelato

I was a picky child, and am still somewhat choosy when it comes to fruits and vegetables although much more adventurous than I used to be. You grow out of it eventually, because you get bored with your food choices, or because you see other people eating things and you may want to try it, or because you are embarrassed to tell your friend's mom that you don't like ANYTHING that she has made for dinner. Now, I am the one with a somewhat picky eater, and it drives me crazy because I didn't want to go through with him what my mom went through with me. I have tried almost all of the suggestions here - the "you eat what we eat", the "you must take one bite of everything", the "sit at that table till you eat it all", and the "ok you can get up but if you say anything about wanting food this plate will be waiting for you" approaches. None of them have been successful in doing anything more than stressing out my son and me and making meal times a battle. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, but I am trying to not make as big of a deal out of it. I grew out of it and so will he.

I also struggle with the fact that my child is on the small side, less than 15th percentile for weight, so sending him to bed without eating is very hard. I'd rather give him something I know he likes so that he will eat it, even if it isn't the most adventurous or healthy option. He does eat a few different types of food from various groups - eats chicken, some fish, a few vegetables, most fruit, lots of carbs, lots of dairy. One thing I have found to be moderately successful is to make sure that there is something on his plate that I know he likes, along with the foods that we are eating that I would like him to try. Then, when he eats all of the thing he likes (string cheese or apple slices or macaroni and cheese) and asks for more of it, I ask him to try one bite of any one other thing on his plate before he can have more of the thing he knows he likes.

It is very, very stressful. I know most of the people on here are just doing their best for their children and looking for ideas to try.

vim_n_vigor

When I was young, Mom made one meal for everyone. You ate it or you sat at the dinner table all night long until it was time for bed. That didn't mean you didn't have to eat it. She saved it for you for the next night.

We spend a ridiculous amount of time catering to our kids today. My philosophy is, put it out there, they'll eat when they get hungry enough.

Don't even get me started on designer pet food.

I won't make a second dinner, either.


Ain't nobody got time for that.

We have a few exceptions for a second dinner for the kids - chili - too hot, sushi - too raw, some Indian food - too hot, other than that, they get to eat what we do. Don't eat it? Don't get a snack later then.

ETA - some things that keep our kids interested in their foods is we have them help in the garden. They may never eat a store bought cucumber, but they eat them like apples out of the garden! When we get a chance to go to a very large farmer's market ( a few hour drive from here) that has 'unusual' produce, we'll have them pick one thing new to try. We'll look up recipes and try it. Some we have unanimously hated, and some we have loved. They help pick out the side dishes and vegetables while we are at the store. Between the two boys, there are a handful of veggies that one loves raw and can't stand cooked, and the other one prefers just the opposite. We'll usually have both raw and cooked of those.

MustangUSN

One more thought on this. Commercially we are doing everything possible to make food palatable for our kids; and easier for us to prepare. I guess that's because we are so darned busy. Get off the computer, stop texting, take some time to prepare healthy food for your children and sit down and have a family dinner. NOT IN FRONT OF THE TV.

Let them help you. Let them help shop and pick out the healthy choices.

I have friends that say "My little Susie lives on Ball Park Franks and Kraft Mac & Cheese." Great, She got little Susie to eat. No nutritional value though and she is going to eventually FR Mommy on MFP.

If you don't take the time out to help your child learn about nutrition and make food preparation and eating fun , as well as nutritious, you're not helping them by feeding them whatever they want, you are condemning them to a lifetime of fast food and obesity.

Be a real parent. They'll fight you now, but thank you later.

Mine are in their 20's now. We were a 2 career Navy couple (both retired now) and MOM (me) was always the one being deployed.

To digress a bit, I have a sign on my wall with a mirror over it and the sign reads, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, I AM my Mother, after all!" I adopted those lessons learned from my Mom that were relative to my kids and "their" generation, and then added some of my own for the ones I disagreed with my Mother.

Much as one posting above, in my day you ate what was put in front of you for each meal. For things we DIDN'T like, we had to eat a "thank you" bite. Also, I only put 5 bites of foods they liked on the plate, and then let THEM come back for more. We put too much in front of our kids. No additional food until what was on the plate was gone.

In my family growning up there were 7 (3 adults (one a grandma) and 4 kids) and money was tight...so kids didn't pick the foods. For my kids, I let them put whatever they wanted on the grocery list, and then we had a look at the nutrition in the grocery store...nothing above a certain level of sugars, etc. We also didn't purchase certain items unless we had coupons - though we could well afford them, this taught my sons both nutrition AND thrift. Also, sometimes the least expensive doesn't have the best taste, so they learned to discern that as well.

My mother told us if we didn't like something she did to manage her family, we could take notes and do it differently when we had our own. She also said that she would be "friends" with us as adults when we reached the age of 40 or had kids, whichever came first. She's been gone 10 years and I still hear her voice in my head and am VERY GLAD that she chose to be my MOTHER and NOT my friend growing up. I believe it was the hardest choice for her...to put me first.

I have been fortunate in that my sons would even eat the vegetables I don't like (yuck to lima beans), though they were very different eaters, one a PB&J man and the other Mr. Pickey-have-to-have-a-smorgesboard-of-delights. The latter turned out to be ADHD and I worked to get him to eat as the medications tend to supress the appetite. Kids like cucumbers and baby carrots, and veggies don't always have to be cooked for dinner. I hated brussel sprouts into my 50's and wouldn't eat them until my sister did a receipe roasting them in the oven with other veggies. Now, they are one of my favorites. So, a little discipline and a little mixing it up might do the trick..

Nuff said! Good Luck!.....and give 'em a hug for me...they smell SO good when they're little (I miss that!)

wassergottin

Wow, lots of old fogies here with weird views on food. I was that picky child and I was better for it. As I grew older, I liked more foods. When I was really young all I would eat was beef, apples, and Cheerios. That's it. I hated milk and cheese. Later on, I found out I was lactose intolerant, no flipping way, right? I still won't touch cheese, as it's disgusting to me and causes severe reactions.

I taught myself to like fruits and veggies as I hit my teens. My mum and dad were patient with me and never forced me to finish my plate - it's one of the many reasons Americans are so fat: they have all be taught to finish their plates. I was taught how to make my own food at a young age. My parents would take out portions of the food before putting cheese on/in it. It's not hard to live with a picky eater. I've never once been fat. I'm here to lose "vanity pounds".

The only thing my parents made me do was to take a single bite of something I didn't like so I could decide if I still didn't like it. That's it. But then again my parents raised me to be a rule-breaker. *shrugs*

slybaby1

As a teacher of 17 years, I've seen many lunches and snacks over my career. Many of those children have openly admitted that they are picky eaters. When wanting to have a special lunch or snack for a theme day, students easily voice their aversion to many foods and can easily tell you what they will only eat. This is a big concern and a huge red flag in my opinion.

Yes, I do agree that children should be shown and asked to taste different foods more than once. Let them cook? Yes! Buy cook books for them? Why not? Let them dictate what they will or won't eat at meal time, for me, not a choice.

I tell my students, my children as well, that yes, we live in a country where we have rights and choices. However, every person is responsible for their choices and the outcome of these. That's life! (Even if it's not fair!) We don't always get what we want!

What , most of all, is frightening is that many, not all, of these picky eaters are obese. No, I am not a doctor but I can see the obvious results of poor food choices and lack of physical activity in our youth. The statistics are alarming:(

Yes, we are busy. Yes, we have lives. But, we are ultimately responsible to parent our children. That statement will obviously differ from one parent to another. Define it as you wish. We all want what is in the best interest for our children. It's not always easy, I admit!

glovepuppet

When I was young, Mom made one meal for everyone. You ate it or you sat at the dinner table all night long until it was time for bed. That didn't mean you didn't have to eat it. She saved it for you for the next night.

We spend a ridiculous amount of time catering to our kids today. My philosophy is, put it out there, they'll eat when they get hungry enough.

Don't even get me started on designer pet food.

yeah...

my mother did that. i was in the 'dangerously underweight' section of the bmi chart all through high school and well into adult life.

just sayin'

Mine did too, and I was too. But on the upside! I am now an adult who is strong and healthy, and who is the only member of the family that is not dangerously obese or overweight. Some kids don't like to eat, period, and will stay skinny until puberty, or college, or desk jobs catch them up.

I think we cater to children too much. The vast majority of them will not starve themselves to death over grody spinach. They'll eat it if provided positive reinforcement, patience, and consistency of discipline. They live in YOUR house, not the other way around.

actually WE live in OUR house. And, although I tell them regularly that this family is a my dictatorship and not a democracy, we are a team.
I'm not going to risk eating disorders just to prove a point, because I don't need to prove myself to them over carrots. They should respect me because I'm good at leading, i'm strong and consistent and they trust me and I put their welfare first,. Not just because I'm wearing the 'mom' badge and I'm bigger than them.

But then, I come to parenting from a background of dog psychology.

atsteele

YOU tell her what she is going to eat, you're the parent. Don't cater to her.

What's so bad about "catering" to a child sometimes? I LOVE it when people cater to what I like. It makes me feel loved and valued I can only assume it's the same for kids. And I like doing nice things for my kid! It makes us both happy.

I agree. Just because a kid is a picky eater now doesn't mean that they DOOMED for the remainder of their lives to being picky. (That being said, my husband was a picky eater and still to this day is a picky eater. I think that he has some sensory/stomach issues. LOL) I grew up in house where my mom would make food that was the easiest to make,ie, lots and lots of soup and concoctions made in the crock pot. (Not many were all that good. LOL) My grandmother taught me how to cook and bake. I learned how to make the simplest but tastiest meals don't have to be all that time consuming or difficult to make, ie, potato soup, chicken on the stovetop, pasta with butter (my favorite), etc. When I went to college and no longer working on the farm, I realized that I had to stop eating the types of foods that I used to be able to eat without putting on weight. I started modifying how I made my meals, ie, low fat milk, low fat cheeses, less oil/butter, etc. Today I eat healty. I'm not overweight. I run marathons and practice Tae Kwon Do to keep in shape. I endulge in goodies probably a little too often but overall, I live a healthy lifestyle. And I want to impart this on my children without bribing them, sneaking vegetables into their brownies, or forcing them to eat anything that they simply cannot stomach. I have five kids. Some of them are quite adventurous eaters and some are limited to just a few items. Of my two mildly autistic sons (and I say mildly only because if they were moderate to severe, the story would most likely be much different) one has broadened his horizons quite considerably since he was little. My other son, not so much... Better than he used to be, but still very limited. My influence can only go so far and then it's up to them to put it in their mouths. Some things that I have done that I think that has been helpful: 1. Never give up hope. Do what you can in the here and now and just keep trying to work on it. 2. Be a good example. If you want your kids to eat healthy, the first person that they should be learning their good eating habits from is YOU, the parent. 3. Trust your parental instincts. Everyone has advice. Take what you think will work with your child and throw away the rest. No one can tell you what is best for your kid. You know your child better than anyone else.

sa11yjane

OK - Question to all you 'super-smuggie just suck it up because obviously you are an overindulgent parent' people - if it worked so well for you when you were young - what are you doing on MFP?

This made me laugh! There is some great advice on this thread and I am amazed at the time and trouble that people take over writing helpful replies; we may not all always agree but ultimately we probably all have the same goal in mind which is why we are on this site!

scrapjen

I myself was an uber- picky child , and I was apparently more stubborn than my mother. I can honestly say I have NEVER tried SO many things (I've never had hamburgers, hotdogs, apple pie ... unAmerican, right). I just can't make myself eat something that sight, smell or texture tells me I won't like ... as a picky parent I'm in a tough spot. I can't make my kids "just take one bite" when I won't myself. I don't like a lot of things that others struggle with (soda, wine, dressings/sauces) but also don't eat many of the healthy options many of you seem to enjoy (whole wheat, smoothies, salads). I make dinners I don't eat myself. My kids eat a wider variety of things than I do, but are still pretty picky. I admit to being an overindulgent parent. So far all the kids are fit and trim and healthy though. I am trying but I know I could do better. We do have too much junk food in the house.

blondageh

My two year old is horrible to feed. She used to eat EVERYTHING, now she only wants chicken nuggets. She doesn't even like Peanut Butter and Jelly, Mac & Cheese or hot dogs! Not even healthy and she won't even try it. I am going insane. I can only feed this kid so many chicken nuggets. I stopped buying chips because that is her other favorite thing. Every day is a struggle trying to get her to eat something good. Last night was a success with the green beans, she asked for more. I was so shocked I almost fell over.