overweight and relationships
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If he says that he doesn't want to go to counseling, then you should go alone. Talk to a therapist about what you are dealing with. This is certainly not a healthy relationship.0
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I'm not sure counseling will help him change his behavior but it would help you figure out what's best for you. If you're going to school, there's often free or low-cost counseling available through there.
As for not wanting to get divorced again because you've already been divorced twice, that's no good. It's like taking the wrong exit twice but not wanting to get back on the freeway because, well, you don't want to admit you made a bad choice again.
And if it's any consolation to you, my aunt was married 5 times. The fifth marriage lasted 48 years!0 -
It's just wild to me that other people's significant others even comment about anyone counting calories! The only thing that my boyfriend says to me is, "I don't want you to diet, because I like having junk food in the house," lol. And then the occasional "but you don't need to" or "so what happens if you lose your butt?"
sounds like he loves you the way you are! 0 -
This is not acceptable.
It's emotional abuse.
It's disgusting and I can't imagine what you're going through.
If you're able to say you can leave this all behind and that you didn't even want to get married - I'd leave.
I learned the hard way with my last ex and put up with a lot of crap and eventually it ended anyways.
Don't waste your time on this loser - he's complaining about your weight when he doesn't even have a job.0 -
Well, everyone here has said pretty much the truth of it...
Your husband is a complete a** hole.
Someone who loves you, should want only for you to be happy. They should support you with positive reinforcement. All he does is prey on your weaknesses and diminish your self confidence so you are less capable being happy with yourself and deciding what YOU actually want, and prevents you from achieving that.
If I were in your position, I would dump his *kitten*, lose whatever weight you WANT to lose and then flaunt it in front of this sorry excuse for a man.0 -
I agree. Reading that made me get a knot in my stomach. He has more to hide than porn.Sweetheart - he is not respecting you at all. Porn is okay, everyone can and should look, but if he's deleting his history and *hiding his phone* my gut leads me to think there is something more going on.
He is defenetly not respecting you. I think it´s time for councelling.
I just started reading more of your replies. Please don't be blind, there IS more going on. You only delete things you want to hide. He is being up front about his porn ADDICTION (yes, it sounds like more than a hobby, it sounds like it is consuming him) so my guess is if he is being up front about deleting the porn, there is more that he is hiding that he doesn't want you to know about. The issues go much deeper than the weight comments.0 -
I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. But...now for the reality:
You want to have children with this man?????? What if he treated your CHILD this way? What if you had a daughter and she ended up with a weight problem and he talked to her like this? Would that be acceptable to you? I hope not...
If you're in school, you might check into whether the school offers some kind of counseling services--they are typically free for enrolled students. I would highly recommend that you find yourself someone professional (not just random folks on MFP; we're mostly awesome but we are probably not licensed or trained counselors/therapists) and outside of this relationship, to discuss all of these issues with. And I think your husband may need help as well. Looking at porn is acceptable. Hiding it from you...not so much. And I definitely don't think his words to you express any kind of kindness or support.
I hope you guys get the help you need.0 -
drop himmmmm :] sounds like a total tool. anyone talked to me like that, the would be getting a talking to.0
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I read all of the comments that YOU wrote and the hole just gets deeper. I don't know you or your relationship like you do, but you seem like a pretty great gal, and he seems like a pretty terrible guy. I will tell you my personal experience and let you take what you like from it. I have a 14 month old daughter with a verbally abusive guy ike your husband. We were never married and got pregnant after dating for 6 months. We never got married, and we broke up several times throughout our relationship (over 2 yrs now) and each time he would tell me he had changed and taken counseling etc, so I would take him back. Well, people rarely do change, and he wasn't one of them. He would be nice a few weeks or months, and then start being a **** again. I finally left him for good this month. I felt very sad doing it, but now I feel very liberated and I know that one day I will meet my dream man.
I hope you choose happiness.
A friend told me I used to not be the kind of girl who wouldn't choose happiness, that's when I snapped.
I don't think you're the kind of girl to stay unhappy either.
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i think that no matter what path you choose (stay or go), you're going to have to ultimately look at you. getting married doesn't just "happen", you played an active role in that decision. you didn't fall into this relationship, you are 50% of why you are married to him. (I only say these things because I went through the same thing, staying in an emotionally abusive relationship and hanging around hoping and waiting for changes....7+ years worth ugh).
i'm not excusing him. But he is who he is and is going to act the way he wants to act unless HE wants to change. and the fact that he doesn't want to go to counseling is indicative that he is not willing to look at himself and work on any change at this time.
but the good news is that you can still help you.....whether it be the therapy, free counseling, etc to work on yourself in order to strengthen and increase the ability to make a decision that is healthy and safe for you.0 -
My partner is in the army, they're always watching porn, and last night we were talking about arm muscles and I said 'they're getting bigger' and he said 'you're getting bigg- oh my god i did NOT mean that I'm so sorry blah blah blah' we joke a lot about the fact that we've both put on weight but we support each other.0
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It's just wild to me that other people's significant others even comment about anyone counting calories! The only thing that my boyfriend says to me is, "I don't want you to diet, because I like having junk food in the house," lol. And then the occasional "but you don't need to" or "so what happens if you lose your butt?" sounds like he loves you the way you are!
I think I'm one of the lucky ones. I just had to find a fellow nerd.
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i'LL SAY IN ONE WORD WHAT EVERYONE ELSE PLUS ME IS TELLING YOU...
"LEAVE"
BE STRONG AND VALUE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU. DIVORCE IS NOT UNCOMMON NOW DAYS, DONT LET A PIECE OF PAPER HOLD YOU BACK FROM YOUR HAPPINESS! GOOD LUCK!0 -
Stop making excuses for your husband acting like a jerk. You have been through a very emotion thing losing a baby. He should be more supportive than ever. Maybe he is frustrated about not having a job but that is no reason to make you feel less than a cherished wife. I, at one time weighed over 200 lbs and my husband never critized. When I asked for his support losing weight he was with me 100% and never made those kind of comments. You deserve to be treated with respect. Lose weight for yourself because it is the healthy thing to do. Not for a jerk.0
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I want to thank everyone for your honest opinions, to be frank it feels good to talk to other people. Obviously I have a lot to think about. I think we are past the point of talking. My words tend to fall on deaf ears. I know I want children, more than anything. Now if I answer honestly, no i do not want him to be the father. I would probably run away and hide. I am great student( I fed up when younger, so I started college late) and I love school. It has always been a dream of mine to graduate with honors. I dont want my marriage to interfer with my future. Too much is on the line. Like I said I dont want to get divorced, but it looks like it may come to that. I am willing to walk away if I know that we do not have a chance. I just want to be happy. I dont feel like I NEED to be with someone, Im ok single. .........................................I will do some heavy thinking before I make any decisions. Again, thank you, all of you!0
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My ex husband was like this. He was a Marine and a day or two after he came home from a 7 month deployment he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Why I stuck around for as long as I did afterwards I have no idea. The discourging won't help you any, for me it made me feel worse and made me drink more (alcohol).
My fiance is amazing, We are both overweight, and we've been together for 2 years, we have both lost a lot of weight since we've been together. He loves me for me though I jokingly call him a chubby chaser i know really he just loves big butts and boobs. the only thing discourging about my fiance is that i have a problem with committment (not to him but to working out/eating healthier etc) I tell him I want to do this and he says "okay" in a sarcastic voice. When I ask him what that means he says "it'll last 5 minutes and you'll quit" well not this time!!! 0 -
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If he knows you know about the porn why is he still secretive about his phone? Something is definitely up.
He sounds like a jerk. You seem very unhappy. Leave before you get pregnant. You deserve better. Do not stay because you do not want divorce #2 under your belt. Your happiness is more important. It will only get worse if he refuses to get help. Good luck to you!0 -
i'LL SAY IN ONE WORD WHAT EVERYONE ELSE PLUS ME IS TELLING YOU...
"LEAVE"
BE STRONG AND VALUE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU. DIVORCE IS NOT UNCOMMON NOW DAYS, DONT LET A PIECE OF PAPER HOLD YOU BACK FROM YOUR HAPPINESS! GOOD LUCK!
I don't think she should just leave. I think she should try and work on what is going on. Be it counseling or just talking to him and putting her foot down. Whatever works. It is a marriage and the option to leave is so easy these days. I believe in marriage and that someone should FIGHT for it. Afterall you got married for a reason. The dude is obviously a **** and the chances of change are rare but there is a chance. All I can say is try and if it doesn't work make yourself happy before you complicate things more like by having kids or something.0 -
straight up abusive and if he knew anything abotu fitness he would never ever fkn say that **** especially eat once a day.fuk him. i know you been together a long time but that **** is toxic.0
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If I had a husband and he talked to me in that way it would be over.0
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Sounds like your husband is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. What he says is hurtful, and no one deserves to be treated that way. If he loves you, he should love you regardless of your weight. Sure, he wants you to be healthy, but there are better ways of going about it than how he is treating you. Personally, I know what it's like being in a relationship like that. It's hard. But you deserve better, you are beautiful. And you need to know that. So, I would definitely speak up. And if he doesn't listen, then you tried. And I say if it fails, then it's time to break away from that and find someone better. I know it's a marriage, it's a lot more than just a "boyfriend" but marriage or not, you should never have to put up with that. So, best of luck dear, hold your head high and stay strong.0
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uh why would he say those things? joking or not, that's really rude and hurtful. I would ***** slap my husband if he ever said that to me.0
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I used to be with a woman that just would not stop abusing me about my weight even though I was trying a diet, but it really depressed me. I left her and moved on, I started working out and went from 21stone to 18stone in 4 months, I'm trim, faster, stronger and happy.
I say find a way to move on from that hassle. Get a happy life for yourself. Its not easy but its very much possible and worth it.0 -
Our sex life has dramatically decreased. He says he is just on a porn kick. (sorry TMI). Just need a little advice. Guess I never thought 12lbs would cause suck a riff in our marriage. Sorry for the venting, really dont have anyone to talk to.
Ehhhh..... "just on a porn kick" !?
Look, I don;t know you and you do not know me but in my house, this would be not a good enough reason to let your intimate life die in part. He is telling you he has replaced part of your sex life with porn and you accept this? Tell him to KICK the damm porn or he and his tapes can go and shack up somewhere else!0 -
keep ur head up girl!0
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I'm going to say what I'd say to a friend if they told me the things you've posted here.
First, your husband's words and actions aside, your description of how you've changed and your family's concerns sounds very much like an abuse victim. Though part of it may be related to depression over the miscarriage. Either way, it's very concerning to me.
On to your husband.
Presuming what you've said about him and his behaviour is accurate, it sounds an awful lot like he might be cheating on you. Time away, hiding things, uninterested in sex with you, cutting you down so you won't question him.
Maybe he's not. There's a chance.
But whatever is going on, you need to stand up for yourself. You deserve to be treated better, you deserve to be the happy person you used to be. Please try to find ways to get that person. No man is worth losing yourself.0 -
even tho im told i look just fine i still think my weight has a part in why im still single! But my exhusband talked to me bout the same way along with alot more verbal abuse and it. but i wouldnt put up with anybody talking to me that way again. its uncalled for and very hurtful...good luck and hope things improve for you!0
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