overweight and relationships

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Replies

  • kdilly
    kdilly Posts: 12
    That's called verbal abuse and you should not tolerate it. Plus the hiding also makes me think, as others have said, that more than just porn browsing is going on.

    My husband feels exactly the same about me as he did when we met and I was thinner, in fact I'm pretty positive he is more attracted to me and loves me more... not because he digs fat chicks, but because our relationship has grown and deepened. We are both working on losing weight, but even if that weren't the case, he wouldn't make comments like that to me.

    It sounds like you're working on yourself (mentally and physically) and he isn't. I'd think about leaving...
  • Candicimo
    Candicimo Posts: 44 Member
    That's mental abuse. Seriously.

    If both of you are willing to put in the effort to make your relationship work, I'd seek some intensive marriage counseling because his comments are more than just "joking around". You don't deserve to be treated that way or talked down to.
  • TashaS
    TashaS Posts: 199 Member
    I am just wondering if anyone has experienced relationship issues that end up about your weight? I mean, I know I shoudl be healthy, thats important. But I sometimes feel like less of a person because of my weight. My husband jokes around sometimes, like "put those oreos back, your supposed to get smaller, not fatter", "maybe I should lock all the food up", "can youtry eating just once a day", "will you ever be skinny", .......................................sounds harsh when I write it out like this. I was a 14/16 when we got together, post miscarriage Im 18/20. I did gain 12lbs. LOL maybe its just me. Our sex life has dramatically decreased. He says he is just on a porn kick. (sorry TMI). Just need a little advice. Guess I never thought 12lbs would cause suck a riff in our marriage. Sorry for the venting, really dont have anyone to talk to.

    Is it possible that the harsh comments (and 'porn kick') are driven more from the miscarriage than the weight gain? A miscarriage is hard on both parties (usually) and perhaps he's afraid of getting you pregnant again just to loose the baby again. I'm not at all trying to excuse them - they are harsh - but speaking as someone who went through fertility issues myself, I found that my husband didn't know how to express or process the emotions caused by that and they ended up being expressed in a totally off-the-wall manner.
  • skimbrough28
    skimbrough28 Posts: 21 Member
    I had some of the same issues you are dealing with in a previous relationship. I believe the best thing would be for you to seek some type of counseling for your miscarriage which affects how you feel about yourself as a woman, prospective mother,etc. Many states have free counseling agencies or places that just take donations. You should also have a "REAL" conversation with your husband about how those comments make you feel, especially since you do desire to eventually get pregnant again, if twelve pounds is bothering your husband, what is a full fledged pregnancy going to do?? (Babies do things to your body not in your control). In addition, if weight is so important to your husband...is that a deal breaker for him?? Marriage is intended to be for better or worse,...I can think of things much worse than you gaining weight.(drugs,cheating,gambling,shopaholic,etc)...The weight won't come off and stay off until its something you want to do for YOURSELF and are motivated to do. He should build you up and support your efforts, maybe even join you...not tear you down. Then you can be sexy for each other in your baby making efforts..you lose 12 pounds and maybe he gets a six pack...its a win win:) Good luck!!
  • ironicusername
    ironicusername Posts: 73
    Joking about oreos is one thing but telling you that you should eat only once a day and asking if you'll ever get skinny is another thing entirely. Even if it's somewhat jokingly (no one says things like that unless they kinda mean it). Couples poke fun at each other. But when it's just plain insulting there's a problem. I swear if someone were to make comments like that to me, you'd better believe I would not take it lying down. A partner in life is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. He should be concerned with your health and well-being. And you know what? If he was only attracted to you when you were smaller, then maybe he got married for the wrong reasons.

    Seriously, you had a miscarriage. Women tend to take something like that hard and the grief often manifests itself in weight gain. Considering that this is SUPPOSED to be a man who loves you and supports you emotionally, I would think that he should be a little more empathetic. What good are wedding vows if you're not going to take them seriously?

    I say couples therapy or divorce. All I know is I'd never put up with that. If a man doesn't treat me the way I'd expect of my best friend, he doesn't deserve me. Being single isn't all that bad.
  • lyndian_rogers
    lyndian_rogers Posts: 8
    Sweetheart - he is not respecting you at all. Porn is okay, everyone can and should look, but if he's deleting his history and *hiding his phone* my gut leads me to think there is something more going on.

    Agreed

    I also agree with Jrm

    He is acting like an @$$hole
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member
    It's easy for everyone to say just dump him. So much easier said than done. However, having said that, staying in a marriage because this is your second one is silly.

    I'm divorced and remarried. I know now what it's like to be truly loved for all that I am. I would never, ever settle for less. If my husband said the crap yours is saying, I would leave. Of course, if your husband is saying this now, I have a feeling he has been saying garbage like this since you guys met. This is abusive behavior - he's using your weight to manipulate and control you by making you feel bad about yourself.

    The porn and hiding the cell phone? Sorry. That sounds sketchy. Something's up there. He sounds just as unhappy as you are- quite possible he's reached out to someone else.

    But wait - don't leave yet. Play along. Get your degree. Line up a job. Then leave. Be sure you are financially independent before you leave. I wish to God that I had kept my teaching job instead of quitting to be a SAHM. When my ex left me, I had no money, no job, and no prospects. It's still incredibly difficult to make ends meet. So unless you can financially support yourself, and you're not too far away from getting your degree, it might be easier to just hang in there for a bit longer, and make a plan.

    And for the love of everything that is pure and holy, do NOT get pregnant again. Damn. You throw a baby into that mess and you can wave goodbye to any possibility of a normal, happy life.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    My last boyfriend would take food off of my plate and eat it because "girls aren't supposed to eat a full plate." He was a chubby boy himself (I say boy because he broke up with me because his mommy told him to, he was 24 years old at the time) so he had no excuse. :/

    So yeah, it's horrible and do what's best for you. :)
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    I daydream about my life before my husband. The friends I had on outings with friends. I got asked out all the time. My guy friends always wanted to take me. They would say "your the most fun ever" "this was a great date" etc.

    I was the outgoing one. The fun one. Now, my friends dont even call me anymore. I have moved, a few hours away. We chat via email every so often (once or twice a month). My mom is constantly worried about me. She says I am not who I used to be. Im quiet now, I dont make freinds, I dont go out.

    Sometimes I feel like Im just putting on a show. Acting like its 'all ok'. Im afraid to say Im miserable.

    I have read thru all the posts, and I agree with all of them... this one really struck me and made me sad. You have changed who YOU are becuase of the situation you are in. I am going to leave out all the hurtful things your husband is doing, and say that you need to spend some time alone to rediscover YOU. Once you can do that, and it won't be easy, I think you will realize the relationship you are in isn't healthy or for you..... I think you will then have the confidence to do what I think you know is right deep down inside. Good luck.
  • ironicusername
    ironicusername Posts: 73
    Also: my mom had 2 very bad marriages. Neither time did she want to get divorced because she took her vows very much to heart. Both times she had good reason to leave and good opportunities. In fact, with the second, she had wonderful career opportunities thrown at her, but she refused them because my father didn't like the idea, and she didn't want a second divorce. So you know what happened? After she had me, he announced that he was leaving her, gave her $50 and plan tickets to get back home to her parents. She lost her opportunities and ended up a single mom on welfare.

    Sometimes it's just best to cut your losses. The worst thing you can do is make life decisions based on fear or not wanting to fail.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    What he is saying is NOT okay. Women already have so many insecurities regarding weight, and your husband does NOT need to be adding to that. As your husband, he should be making you feel beautiful and cherished, and you deserve no less.

    You are married though, and you've made a lifetime commitment. No one is perfect; we all have really big issues in one area or another that cause us to hurt other people. I encourage you to have some open, serious conversations and bring in a counselor if needed. That said, it does take two people to get one relationship to work. Hopefully he'll check in, make some changes and learn to respect you more.
  • natalianogueira
    natalianogueira Posts: 76 Member
    I think at this point everyone knows your husband is a jerk.
    Once I had a boyfriend that used to say some of that stuff to me, when we we're dating I gained about 20lbs in a year. He started getting abusive saying that was for encouragement. He only made me eat more out of frustration.
    The point it, don't do that to yourself.
  • ironicusername
    ironicusername Posts: 73
    I daydream about my life before my husband. The friends I had on outings with friends. I got asked out all the time. My guy friends always wanted to take me. They would say "your the most fun ever" "this was a great date" etc.

    I was the outgoing one. The fun one. Now, my friends dont even call me anymore. I have moved, a few hours away. We chat via email every so often (once or twice a month). My mom is constantly worried about me. She says I am not who I used to be. Im quiet now, I dont make freinds, I dont go out.

    Sometimes I feel like Im just putting on a show. Acting like its 'all ok'. Im afraid to say Im miserable.

    Seriously, please get help and get out of this relationship. Can you really see yourself with this person the rest of your life? These are classic signs of abuse. It's only a matter of time before he gets physical. The longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get. If he treats you this way, imagine how he'd treat your child! No child deserves to be put into that situation. As sad as it is to say, maybe you can look at the miscarriage as a blessing in disguise. You already know in your gut that this marriage was a mistake. Learn from it and move on. Why should you take it so seriously when it is obvious that he wont? He flatly refuses marriage counseling and takes no responsibility for his actions. This is not what a marriage is supposed to be. He's treating you like property, not like a wife.
  • sunnybug90
    sunnybug90 Posts: 58
    I gained 60 pounds during my marriage. I was with him for 3 years and married for 2. In that time he made comments about my weight all the time and even became ANGRY with me towards the end that I had gotten so fat. He'd even go as far to tell me the comments his friends made.

    We stopped having sex. I hated myself. I was so miserable. I missed my life before him but at the same time I loved him.

    And I had a hard time with diets or losing weight because he also told me I'd never do it. I even suffered an eating disorder. He left me and that was the best damned thing he ever did for me, which is sad to say. I wish I would of left him but I was too scared. I still am, I'm overweight and I don't know if I'll find anyone till I lose weight, he gave me that complex. Don't let him do that to you.

    What your husband is saying to you is not okay. I get joking around and giving each other crap once in a while in a teasing manner but if it bothers you it will eventually start to eat at you. Just because this is your second marriage doesn't mean you don't deserve better.


    My first marriage was annulled and now I'm getting divorced. All that matters is you are happy and you are loved no matter what, through good and bad. I used to feel embarrassed this was my second marriage that didn't work out but now that I'm happy and healing I know I'm so much better off and the people who TRULY care about me don't judge me for it. I took my vows seriously and I did my best until he ended it. He ended it for ****ty reasons that we could of worked on, you however have a good reason, you've tried and he isn't making you feel how he should. He's emotionally abusing you. Plain and simple.

    Feel free to add me and message me. I've been in your situation, I know how you feel.
  • ShareeMorty
    ShareeMorty Posts: 324 Member
    On the children thing. I understand you really want them. You look young enough to have plenty of time to do that. I will say though that having children is REALLY hard work, you will have times where you think it is too hard and you were stupid to have them, they drive you up the wall constantly. It is hard enough to be a parent let alone one with a partner who doesn't step up to the plate, it makes it 100x harder take it from me.

    Wanting to have children is not enough, you need to find the right person to father your children. Someone who will be a good role model, who will show your sons what it is to love a woman and your daughters how they should be treated. Someone who will support and encourage you through the joys and frustrations and heartache of raising small people. From how your husband treats you I don't think he is that kinda guy. I am now on my own raising my kids and it is hard work, you don't want to be doing that.

    Please please don't get pregnant again until you are in a good solid relationship whether it is with this husband or someone else.
  • RoseAsRose
    RoseAsRose Posts: 39
    Having a miscarriage is tremendously difficult emotionally and it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would gain weight afterwards. Many people gain weight when they are in a time of grief, and this is exactly the time that your husband should be supporting you emotionally, and not commenting on extraneous things like the 12 pounds.

    It sounds like he has a fairly low self esteem and, rather than viewing you as a separate individual, sees you as an extension of himself. So you gaining 12 pounds makes him even more insecure. I imagine that if he is unemployed and you are about to begin grad school, he may also feel threatened - he may view you as smarter than he is or be insecure that you will have more earning power. The hiding the phone thing sounds really fishy.

    I know a number of people that have been divorced twice and STILL wound up with amazing husbands. It is a lie to feel like this is the best you can get. I have also been in relationships with guys that have completely accepted fluctuations in my weight and guys that don't - some very accepting men ARE out there!
  • sunnybug90
    sunnybug90 Posts: 58
    Having a miscarriage is tremendously difficult emotionally and it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would gain weight afterwards. Many people gain weight when they are in a time of grief, and this is exactly the time that your husband should be supporting you emotionally, and not commenting on extraneous things like the 12 pounds.

    It sounds like he has a fairly low self esteem and, rather than viewing you as a separate individual, sees you as an extension of himself. So you gaining 12 pounds makes him even more insecure. I imagine that if he is unemployed and you are about to begin grad school, he may also feel threatened - he may view you as smarter than he is or be insecure that you will have more earning power. The hiding the phone thing sounds really fishy.

    I know a number of people that have been divorced twice and STILL wound up with amazing husbands. It is a lie to feel like this is the best you can get. I have also been in relationships with guys that have completely accepted fluctuations in my weight and guys that don't - some very accepting men ARE out there!

    100% agree with all of this.
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
    Having a miscarriage is tremendously difficult emotionally and it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would gain weight afterwards. Many people gain weight when they are in a time of grief, and this is exactly the time that your husband should be supporting you emotionally, and not commenting on extraneous things like the 12 pounds.

    It sounds like he has a fairly low self esteem and, rather than viewing you as a separate individual, sees you as an extension of himself. So you gaining 12 pounds makes him even more insecure. I imagine that if he is unemployed and you are about to begin grad school, he may also feel threatened - he may view you as smarter than he is or be insecure that you will have more earning power. The hiding the phone thing sounds really fishy.

    I know a number of people that have been divorced twice and STILL wound up with amazing husbands. It is a lie to feel like this is the best you can get. I have also been in relationships with guys that have completely accepted fluctuations in my weight and guys that don't - some very accepting men ARE out there!



    Thank you, I know you guys are right, I am just not ready to admit it. If that makes any sense at all. I hate drama, I cant stand it. I know that is exactly what he is going to be. Oh god, what have I gotten myself into. What a freakin mess!
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
    On the children thing. I understand you really want them. You look young enough to have plenty of time to do that. I will say though that having children is REALLY hard work, you will have times where you think it is too hard and you were stupid to have them, they drive you up the wall constantly. It is hard enough to be a parent let alone one with a partner who doesn't step up to the plate, it makes it 100x harder take it from me.

    Wanting to have children is not enough, you need to find the right person to father your children. Someone who will be a good role model, who will show your sons what it is to love a woman and your daughters how they should be treated. Someone who will support and encourage you through the joys and frustrations and heartache of raising small people. From how your husband treats you I don't think he is that kinda guy. I am now on my own raising my kids and it is hard work, you don't want to be doing that.

    Please please don't get pregnant again until you are in a good solid relationship whether it is with this husband or someone else.


    I know your right, my mom was a single parent. I can remember how hard it was for her. I def dont want to go through that. It sounds like its decision time for me.........
  • ironicusername
    ironicusername Posts: 73
    I gained 60 pounds during my marriage. I was with him for 3 years and married for 2. In that time he made comments about my weight all the time and even became ANGRY with me towards the end that I had gotten so fat. He'd even go as far to tell me the comments his friends made.

    We stopped having sex. I hated myself. I was so miserable. I missed my life before him but at the same time I loved him.

    And I had a hard time with diets or losing weight because he also told me I'd never do it. I even suffered an eating disorder. He left me and that was the best damned thing he ever did for me, which is sad to say. I wish I would of left him but I was too scared. I still am, I'm overweight and I don't know if I'll find anyone till I lose weight, he gave me that complex. Don't let him do that to you.

    What your husband is saying to you is not okay. I get joking around and giving each other crap once in a while in a teasing manner but if it bothers you it will eventually start to eat at you. Just because this is your second marriage doesn't mean you don't deserve better.


    My first marriage was annulled and now I'm getting divorced. All that matters is you are happy and you are loved no matter what, through good and bad. I used to feel embarrassed this was my second marriage that didn't work out but now that I'm happy and healing I know I'm so much better off and the people who TRULY care about me don't judge me for it. I took my vows seriously and I did my best until he ended it. He ended it for ****ty reasons that we could of worked on, you however have a good reason, you've tried and he isn't making you feel how he should. He's emotionally abusing you. Plain and simple.

    Feel free to add me and message me. I've been in your situation, I know how you feel.

    This is my last post and I'll get off of my soapbox, I swear! lol

    Let me tell you something, I have a friend who is VERY overweight. I mean probably 300 pound range. Not particularly pretty either. But she's very kind, has a great sense of humor and is fun to be around. And you know what? She has a wonderful husband that's genuinely crazy about her. He loves who she is, not what size she happens to be. He's not bad looking either. He even adopted the daughter she had before she met him and he treats the little girl as his own. He treats his wife like a best friend.

    Just because you're big it doesn't mean you should settle for less. It doesn't give anyone the excuse to treat you as less of a person. Genuine love is blind.
  • starmichie
    starmichie Posts: 14 Member
    If he has no intentions of trying to make it work, he never will....
    There is a bigger issue than your weight...he should love you
    Unconditionally, no mater what you weigh....it's not you, it's him.

    Never settle for ANYTHING more that what makes YOU happy!!

    Period!! :)
  • REALBIGBATBASTARD
    REALBIGBATBASTARD Posts: 103 Member
    Since you like hearing harsh things, get a divorce while you're still young. You can start over and find someone that doesn't abuse
    you mentally. You may not see it but that's abuse!
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
    Thank you all. These posts have pretty much confirmed what Ive been pushing under the rug. I will do a lot of thinking and searching.


    pisst* I dont like harsh things. But it is what it is, right?
  • thefreebiemom
    thefreebiemom Posts: 191 Member
    I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"

    For one 12 lbs after a pregnancy and miscarriage is not "fat" Your hormones are still effected by the pregnancy and after pregnancy and it can take a while for your body to get back to normal. Not to mention the emotional toll that a miscarriage would have on someone. Add on top of that his insulting you and making you feel bad is definitely not helping you to keep from eating comfort food.

    Personally, I think he might have some of his own issues and depression from the miscarriage. It effected you but it may have effected him too even though it wasn't his body. I mean he created this life and now its gone and that can take a toll on the guy too.

    Either way he shouldn't be taking it out on you. The main reason I posted is because you mentioned you are in school. You should check with your school resources. You may be able to get counseling at the school for very low cost if anything at all. I know the school I went to did. They also had lawyer services.
  • jzammetti
    jzammetti Posts: 1,956 Member
    Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.

    I try not to be a *****...but I would have to agree. Saying those things to you is just plain mean.

    My husband of nearly 20 years was supportive and loving even when I gained over 50 pounds since we got together. Now that I am back to that when-we-met size...he is still supportive and loving.

    I am sorry you are dealing with this!
  • jzammetti
    jzammetti Posts: 1,956 Member
    Thank you all. These posts have pretty much confirmed what Ive been pushing under the rug. I will do a lot of thinking and searching.


    pisst* I dont like harsh things. But it is what it is, right?

    it sucks that you are in this position and I am sorry you are. it doesn't have to be drama with him - tell him what you need and do not settle for less. If he can't or won't give you what you need (unconditional love and friendship and support) then get a lawyer and move on.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    He is deleting history on the comp and hiding his phone which means he has secrets he is keeping from you which should be a big deal. My husband has been laid off for a month but he doesn't treat me horrible and being unemployed doesn't give your husband a right to be horrible to you. My husband and I met online in July 2006 when I was 125 lbs at 5'7 tall (I had an eating disorder) and then started talking on the phone a few months after that. He asked me to marry him on the phone in April 2007 then we met in person for the first time in Indiana where he's from in July 2007 for 2 hours but I had to go back home to Arkansas. We still talked on the phone but we wanted to be together so November 2007 I went back to Indiana and married him in a court house but I barely knew him. Our first year of marriage we were getting to know eachother then a few days before our 1 year wedding anniversary in November 2008 we got the call he was going to deploy. He left January 2009 for a year to Iraq. When he got back in 2010 he was getting military unemployment. We decided to move to Arkansas to be closer to my family in January 2011. He retired from the military July 2011. He got an industrial plumbing job January 2012 but was laid off last month. During our 4.5 years of marriage I have gained 50 lbs and he doesn't care but he is very supportive with my weight loss. My point is unemployment and weight gain shouldn't give him a right to be cruel to you. You are still the same person he married.
  • shaynak112
    shaynak112 Posts: 751 Member
    He seems like a jerk!!! That is NO way to talk to a person. I'd dump him. You deserve RESPECT and LOVE!
    It's okay to encourage your partner to be healthier (ex. going to the gym together, going for walks together, making healthy dinners together, etc.) but NOT in the negative way that he is.
  • kmm7309
    kmm7309 Posts: 802 Member
    EDIT: After having time to read some more of your posts, I remove my comment. The situation is much worse than you originally let on. You need to get some help and maybe get a divorce. There are more problems than some misplaced comments, and you know it. I watched my mom go through it.
  • starmichie
    starmichie Posts: 14 Member
    I read all of the comments that YOU wrote and the hole just gets deeper. I don't know you or your relationship like you do, but you seem like a pretty great gal, and he seems like a pretty terrible guy. I will tell you my personal experience and let you take what you like from it. I have a 14 month old daughter with a verbally abusive guy ike your husband. We were never married and got pregnant after dating for 6 months. We never got married, and we broke up several times throughout our relationship (over 2 yrs now) and each time he would tell me he had changed and taken counseling etc, so I would take him back. Well, people rarely do change, and he wasn't one of them. He would be nice a few weeks or months, and then start being a **** again. I finally left him for good this month. I felt very sad doing it, but now I feel very liberated and I know that one day I will meet my dream man.

    I hope you choose happiness.

    A friend told me I used to not be the kind of girl who wouldn't choose happiness, that's when I snapped.

    I don't think you're the kind of girl to stay unhappy either.

    <3


    ^^^^ this!!!

    This was me too... Except...I did marry him and we had 2 children (1 before, 1 after)
    11 years later we had broken up several times, and I took him back every time. He had
    Convinced me he had "changed"....he never did...
    I'm glad i left when I did...2 yrs later I met the love of my life, the one who btw
    Loves me for me, I gained 40 lbs and he didn't even notice, or if he did, he didn't care....
    He still told me I was beautiful every day, something my ex never did.

    I do feel for you, I hope you find happiness...either way, whatever you decide, take time out
    to work on yourself... It IS invaluable!!
    And again.... NEVER SETTLE. :)

    Good luck :)

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