overweight and relationships

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  • digitalmythology
    digitalmythology Posts: 1
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    I almost never comment, however I just had to Do so this Time. I Am coming from a Guy's perspective. I Will Be to the point with the issues. He is being an *kitten*. Not all guys are, though ... :| I think You should Find a new One that deserves You. If it were Me, I would appreciate You for Who You are, not what Cosmo thinks You should Be. Sometimes these threads get on My nerves the way some people make discouragement from society appear as encouragement. If it were not for social views of what women should look like, then You would not Be so accepting of his abuse. Most counceling Will not fix stoopidity or arrogance.

    I think You should tell jackarse to take a flying flip out of a rolling doughnut and You Will get there on Your own time, and You Will eat the darn doughnut if You so desire. You can Do this, and anything else You desire ... :|
    I send Blessings to the You ... Love and Light to the You ... :)
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
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    thanks digitalmythol, "I think You should Find a new One that deserves You. If it were Me, I would appreciate You for Who You are, not what Cosmo thinks You should Be." it would be great to have someone who feels this way.
  • norcal_yogi
    norcal_yogi Posts: 675 Member
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    seriously...if what you've typed is accurate, you should kick him to the curb. you should not be treated like this. period. (and what the hell? just on a porn kick?).
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.


    I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.

    This is why the two of you need to get counseling. He's grieving. You're grieving. This doesn't sound like a case of a douche abusing his wife to me. This sounds like a couple who are really, really hurting and trying to cope with a horrible event.

    My brother died when he was a day old. It was rough. Incredibly rough. I think the only reason my parents made it through was because they had 3 of us already that they had to raise. I remember there being so much anger, pain, and frustration in the house for years after. My mom has admitted that she felt guilty even though she didn't do anything wrong. It probably would have helped if they had gone to a therapist or someone to help them cope. Unfortunately, services like that weren't as available then as they are now.

    Find someone who accepts a sliding scale fee or see your counselor at the college. With him on unemployment I'm sure you guys qualify for assistance. Both of you need to go and if he won't then go on your own. It sounds like you need someone you can pour your heartache out to. Someone trained to listen and help you make your own decisions without being judgemental would be best.

    You and your husband have had the first breakthrough with him admitting how he feels even though it is a negative feeling. Baby steps. You two can get through this.

    P.S. The porn could be as simple as him not wanting to resume relations after losing the baby because what if he gets you pregnant again? Could you two handle losing another child so soon? I doubt he feels as if he could handle it so he turns to the porn for physical relief without the risk of this huge pain and loss. The phone thing? Eh, could be a red flag. Could be another woman he has turned to or maybe he's ashamed at the huge amount of porn he has stashed on it. He could be *****ing to his friends about you and is sensible enough to not want you to see it. One thing at a time. Counseling first.
  • cindystephens29
    cindystephens29 Posts: 8
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    There has to be somethig else goin on with him

    i have gained about 100 lbs since my husband and i first meet and he stil loves me no matter what and he tells me all the time he dosent care what i weigh... weight dosent matter when it comes to the heart... im loseing weight now and he is cheering me on and it is a big help and if he sees me slip up and grab a handful of donunts or something all he says is are you sure you want to eat that because he knows after i do i will be mad at myself... Your husband needs to rethink what is important to him
  • SassyJane21
    SassyJane21 Posts: 4 Member
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    I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.


    I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.

    This is why the two of you need to get counseling. He's grieving. You're grieving. This doesn't sound like a case of a douche abusing his wife to me. This sounds like a couple who are really, really hurting and trying to cope with a horrible event.

    My brother died when he was a day old. It was rough. Incredibly rough. I think the only reason my parents made it through was because they had 3 of us already that they had to raise. I remember there being so much anger, pain, and frustration in the house for years after. My mom has admitted that she felt guilty even though she didn't do anything wrong. It probably would have helped if they had gone to a therapist or someone to help them cope. Unfortunately, services like that weren't as available then as they are now.

    Find someone who accepts a sliding scale fee or see your counselor at the college. With him on unemployment I'm sure you guys qualify for assistance. Both of you need to go and if he won't then go on your own. It sounds like you need someone you can pour your heartache out to. Someone trained to listen and help you make your own decisions without being judgemental would be best.

    You and your husband have had the first breakthrough with him admitting how he feels even though it is a negative feeling. Baby steps. You two can get through this.

    P.S. The porn could be as simple as him not wanting to resume relations after losing the baby because what if he gets you pregnant again? Could you two handle losing another child so soon? I doubt he feels as if he could handle it so he turns to the porn for physical relief without the risk of this huge pain and loss. The phone thing? Eh, could be a red flag. Could be another woman he has turned to or maybe he's ashamed at the huge amount of porn he has stashed on it. He could be *****ing to his friends about you and is sensible enough to not want you to see it. One thing at a time. Counseling first.


    AGREE!!
  • petiteLady89
    petiteLady89 Posts: 198 Member
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    I'm sorry, but your husband is an *kitten*. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to get healthy. But you don't belittle them and emotionally abuse them to do it. It's just plain wrong.
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
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    This husband is a total douche.

    FROM EXPERIENCE here because yes it has effected mine. First she CONSTANTLY talks about wanting to lose weight, and about how this doesn't fit, or that doesn't or she feels fat etc,etc,etc,etc,etc.

    I tried in as respectful manner as possible to help her. NOTHING like your husband. It's a lost cause. There is NO way FOR ME to figure out how to help her, or offer any kind of support.
  • socalblondie
    socalblondie Posts: 5 Member
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    I am sorry but shouldn't he love and accept you no matter what size you are?? I mean he is supposed to support you.. not insult you. I would tell him that those remarks are not acceptable and the more he makes them the harder it is going to be for you to get where you want. Good luck!! And know you have PLENTY of support on here... no one is gonna tell you those things!! :)
  • DoomCakes
    DoomCakes Posts: 806 Member
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    That does sound harsh... and that doesn't sound all that ok either. My boyfriend gets on me about losing weight not because he dislikes it, but because he hears me complain about my weight all the time and saying I'll do blah blah blah about it then I never do blah blah blah. But your husband should love you regardless of 12lbs or not... that's pretty bad. If you ever need someone to talk/vent to I'm always available. I WAS in a relationship where my weight was a problem so I kinda know where you're coming from. Just I wasn't married to him. But I'm more then willing to offer an ear for venting if it'll help.
  • hersheyskiss
    hersheyskiss Posts: 40
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    good advice
  • hersheyskiss
    hersheyskiss Posts: 40
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    The passive aggressive comments indicate he's sort of a douchenozzle tbh. Who would treat their wife that way?

    That said, if you've gained a sizable amount of weight since you first met it is understandable that someone will be less attracted to you. Maybe it has also changed your level of confidence and how you carry yourself as well. You guys should sit down and have a really serious conversation about what the expectations are between you, what exactly the problem is, and how you are going to fix it. As with any relationship problem, communication is the key to avoiding misery and/or breakup.
  • jackie2866
    jackie2866 Posts: 62 Member
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    Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
    I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.


    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.

    I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.

    IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??

    Your husband is an insensitive ahole. How dare he say those things to you. I know how much it hurts to have a miscarriage - I had one too. My now ex-husband was not exactly thoughful about it either.

    One piece of advice I would have is DO NOT have a child with this jerk. You deserve better than to be treated this way. And if he is hiding his phone, etc. there is more going on than you may think. Trust me I know. I have been there...
  • jackie2866
    jackie2866 Posts: 62 Member
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    There's nothing wrong with getting divorced again. Better than having a baby right now with a man who doesn't worship you and whom you probably love less every day as well. Do not have a baby with him. Your finances are not up to it anyway. Love and marriage is not supposed to be like this. Move back in with your folks!!!

    This^^
  • ShreddedTweet
    ShreddedTweet Posts: 1,326 Member
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    If this was my friend telling me these things about her husband I would say, 'He is fooling around with someone else or if he isn't already he's on the verge of it.' I realise you're not her but sometimes the most obvious thing is the most obvious thing for a reason. He wouldn't say things like that to you if he really wanted to be with you. It sounds like he doesn't even like you never mind love you, he certainly doesn't respect you. Grief is one thing but you're grieving too so shouldn't he be nice? Everyone deserves to have real love in their lives, not to just settle.
  • KimberlyDCZ
    KimberlyDCZ Posts: 525 Member
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    Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.

    ^^ this. Sad, but true. He should be supportive, verbal abuse is NOT acceptable!
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    What your husband does can be considered abuse, because whether he's joking or not, it sounds like he's trying to put you down because of your weight. That's emotional abuse.

    Weight has done nothing to my relationship. He supports my weight loss, and he has no problems if I were to decide to not lose weight.

    I fully agree. My guess is that even if you do lose the weight, he's still not going to love you for who you are, but rather want you to lose even more. However, that was a rash conclusion. Talk to him about it, and see what he has to say. If he doesn't really notice he's doing that, help him figure out how to change that so things can work out.
  • Meloyelo2010
    Meloyelo2010 Posts: 171 Member
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    It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusing you and no matter what form abuse is wrong. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect in your marriage. You deserve to be loved for you who are. You deserve to be supported. Tell yourself that love and don't ignore the ****ty comments that make you question yourself.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    My husband used to make little comments like this. He thought he was being positive. He was trying to keep me on track. But, I know how to do that myself and I don't want to feel like a little kid. So, I told him how those comments made me feel. I told him that this is my issue to deal with, and that if I need a Cinnabon one day, I need the damn Cinnabon. As long as I'm not eating them every day, or every week, I'll still be on track. So, he leaves me alone about it.
  • THE_DOCTORSWIFE
    THE_DOCTORSWIFE Posts: 91 Member
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    Our sex life has dramatically decreased. He says he is just on a porn kick. (sorry TMI). Just need a little advice. Guess I never thought 12lbs would cause suck a riff in our marriage. Sorry for the venting, really dont have anyone to talk to.


    PORN KICK=PORN ADDICTION

    12 LBS IS NOT ALOT *kitten* HIM FOR NOT F**KING YOU

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