overweight and relationships
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good advice0
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The passive aggressive comments indicate he's sort of a douchenozzle tbh. Who would treat their wife that way?
That said, if you've gained a sizable amount of weight since you first met it is understandable that someone will be less attracted to you. Maybe it has also changed your level of confidence and how you carry yourself as well. You guys should sit down and have a really serious conversation about what the expectations are between you, what exactly the problem is, and how you are going to fix it. As with any relationship problem, communication is the key to avoiding misery and/or breakup.0 -
Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.
this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.
I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.
IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??
Your husband is an insensitive ahole. How dare he say those things to you. I know how much it hurts to have a miscarriage - I had one too. My now ex-husband was not exactly thoughful about it either.
One piece of advice I would have is DO NOT have a child with this jerk. You deserve better than to be treated this way. And if he is hiding his phone, etc. there is more going on than you may think. Trust me I know. I have been there...0 -
There's nothing wrong with getting divorced again. Better than having a baby right now with a man who doesn't worship you and whom you probably love less every day as well. Do not have a baby with him. Your finances are not up to it anyway. Love and marriage is not supposed to be like this. Move back in with your folks!!!
This^^0 -
If this was my friend telling me these things about her husband I would say, 'He is fooling around with someone else or if he isn't already he's on the verge of it.' I realise you're not her but sometimes the most obvious thing is the most obvious thing for a reason. He wouldn't say things like that to you if he really wanted to be with you. It sounds like he doesn't even like you never mind love you, he certainly doesn't respect you. Grief is one thing but you're grieving too so shouldn't he be nice? Everyone deserves to have real love in their lives, not to just settle.0
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Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.
^^ this. Sad, but true. He should be supportive, verbal abuse is NOT acceptable!0 -
What your husband does can be considered abuse, because whether he's joking or not, it sounds like he's trying to put you down because of your weight. That's emotional abuse.
Weight has done nothing to my relationship. He supports my weight loss, and he has no problems if I were to decide to not lose weight.
I fully agree. My guess is that even if you do lose the weight, he's still not going to love you for who you are, but rather want you to lose even more. However, that was a rash conclusion. Talk to him about it, and see what he has to say. If he doesn't really notice he's doing that, help him figure out how to change that so things can work out.0 -
It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusing you and no matter what form abuse is wrong. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect in your marriage. You deserve to be loved for you who are. You deserve to be supported. Tell yourself that love and don't ignore the ****ty comments that make you question yourself.0
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My husband used to make little comments like this. He thought he was being positive. He was trying to keep me on track. But, I know how to do that myself and I don't want to feel like a little kid. So, I told him how those comments made me feel. I told him that this is my issue to deal with, and that if I need a Cinnabon one day, I need the damn Cinnabon. As long as I'm not eating them every day, or every week, I'll still be on track. So, he leaves me alone about it.0
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Our sex life has dramatically decreased. He says he is just on a porn kick. (sorry TMI). Just need a little advice. Guess I never thought 12lbs would cause suck a riff in our marriage. Sorry for the venting, really dont have anyone to talk to.
PORN KICK=PORN ADDICTION
12 LBS IS NOT ALOT *kitten* HIM FOR NOT F**KING YOU0 -
The passive aggressive comments indicate he's sort of a douchenozzle tbh. Who would treat their wife that way?
That said, if you've gained a sizable amount of weight since you first met it is understandable that someone will be less attracted to you. Maybe it has also changed your level of confidence and how you carry yourself as well. You guys should sit down and have a really serious conversation about what the expectations are between you, what exactly the problem is, and how you are going to fix it. As with any relationship problem, communication is the key to avoiding misery and/or breakup.0 -
bump to add my story later....0
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Hun, I'm sorry to say but he's just being entirely abusive and a complete *kitten*! You don't deserve that regardless of how much weight you've gained. Chin up! You're beautiful! Love yourself and tell yourself everyday that you're gorgeous and sexy!0
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He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.
I think this explains alot right here. Marriage/grief counseling. I think that if you two do NOT get help, you will not last. You two have alot of issues that you need to work out. Coming from someone who is IN marriage counseling, having someone there to pick out things and mediate and show both sides of the coin as well as resolutions is truly amazing. My husband and I would have divorced already if we weren't going. Add me if you need to talk. I'm here for you!
ETA: I also had this SAME issue with an ex for a miscarriage, but we never worked it out.0 -
First, let me say, I am sorry for your loss through your miscarriage. That in itself comes with a lot of issues. And, your husband's comments are hurtful. I would encourage you to try discussing it with him. Perhaps (giving him the benefit of the doubt he probably doesn't deserve) he does not realize that those kind of comments are hurtful.
I would agree also with above commenters that it seems there are deeper issues. Perhaps counseling would help if he is willing. I would not say you have to silently tolerate it.0 -
Word of advice. Don't ask for relationship advice on the internet. 95% of the people who are gonna give advice will just tell you to leave your SO. Just my 2 cents.0
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LOL maybe its just me.
Part of it is you... Take care of yourself and respect yourself and the people around you will, too.
Part of it is him. The people around you, that are supposed to love you and take care of you, should support you even when you're not at the top of your game... You're overweight and had a miscarraige. He should OBVIOUSLY not be saying those things to you. That is in no way supportive. Would you want him to say those things to your daughter if she were struggling with her weight?
In my last serious relationship, I gained about 35lbs in 2 years. I was back in grad school full time, I was on medication notorious for weight gain issues, and I wasn't happy with a lot of aspects in my life. My boyfriend at the time weighed 60 pounds less than me. He never made awful comments, he told me he loved me the way I was, but he never encouraged me to lose the weight or be healthy. Then our sex life decreased, then he just stopped physically touching me, and I gained even more weight because I was miserable.
Eventually we broke up. I started exercising, and slowly but surely 4 years later I am down 47 lbs. I am now in a different relationship, and since that one started I've LOST almost 18 lbs. He struggles with weight, too, and we're not always the healthiest people with our food and beverage choices, but we push each other to work out and stay healthy. He has lost about 10 lbs, too.
He should definitely not be saying those things to you and should be supporting you, but you should also do what you can to take care of yourself... which may include telling him to shut his trap when he says harsh things like that to you! You deserve to be happy and healthy... Find some supportive friends on here. It's been great for so many people!0 -
Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.
This0 -
I know that my weight has effected my relationship... but it is internally driven (Don't feel confident, don't feel worthy/ attractive.) Not externally...
for me its this! all the way0 -
There are a lot of things that concern me about your OP, and about some of your subsequent posts. Mind you, I don't mince words, so I'm sorry if any of this is a bit too blunt:
1. He's started being this insensitive and rude just recently? How long ago was your miscarriage? I'm wondering if some of this might be displaced grief processing. That said, it still doesn't make it ok. As a matter of fact, it makes it less ok.
2. You gained what? 12 pounds? Seriously, that's it? Frankly, I don't care if it's 120 pounds. He shouldn't treat you like this. But 12 pounds is barely even noticeable.
3. You don't talk to any of your old friends much. That's called isolation, and it's a sign of abusive tendencies. A lot of what you says sounds like a classic representation of an abused spouse. I hope you realize that there are many more forms of abuse than the physical.
4. You're entertaining the idea of "leaving it all behind". That tells me you already know that something is very, very wrong here. Chances are, it's probably not going to get better, and #5 is why:
5. You asked him about therapy and he told you he didn't want to spend the money. Honestly, that says all you need to know. He doesn't think you're worth it. Which is ridiculous. You're worth it, and then some. Or he doesn't see his behavior as a problem, in which case, he's not likely to change it. Either way, sweetie, it ain't good.
6. The "porn kick"+hiding things and deleting the records=sorry to tell you, but he's cheating on you. I can 99.9% guarantee it. If it were just porn, he's already told you about it, so why does he need to hide it?
7. You don't want to get another divorce. I totally get that. Divorce blows goats. But you have to ask yourself this: are you ok with this being the rest of your life? If not, one of two things needs to happen: he needs to change, or you need to leave. There really is no option 3.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone else, and especially not the person who's supposed to be their comfort and support. Please feel free to friend me, and let me know how you're doing. Your post makes me sad, and I want to help you.0 -
ok and just some food for thought....I understand you want kids. Do you want them to have a father that is going to talk to them like he talks to you?? God Bless and I really hope you can do what is best for you.
I'm making my way through the pages but I had to comment on this. My father was very much like your husband. I gained weight before I got married but when dating my ex husband. My father told me that future hubbby would never love me if I was fat. He told me that if I didn't lose weight no one would love me. He also told he that if he had to he would kick my *kitten* around a track to get me moving.
I was over weight but the things he said didn't motivate me. In fact looking back they probably made me settle for a guy that wanted me. I honestly believe my dad was trying to help but I never forgave him.0 -
Um yes it does sound harsh. Are you really ok with being treated like this? Have you talked to him about it? It's really unacceptable.My husband jokes around sometimes, like "put those oreos back, your supposed to get smaller, not fatter", "maybe I should lock all the food up", "can youtry eating just once a day", "will you ever be skinny", .......................................sounds harsh when I write it out like this.
this. And especially the emotional hardship it is to have a miscarriage anyway(I have suffered 2) All that does is cut you down and make u feel like a worthless piece of crap. Its so not ok.0 -
After reading this about how he feels is understandable. I am sorry he was angry at you about the miscarriage though and I guess that is his way of coping the loss of his son. I am glad you got to talk about how he feels and why he was treating you this way. I hope the dinner and counseling helps both of you.I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more. I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.0
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