Toxic Parents...don't believe what you are told

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  • Opha30
    Opha30 Posts: 15 Member
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    I'm 30 years old and I brace myself for the comments my mom will inevitably make about my weight when I go home to visit. Most recently I was "too skinny", "sickly looking", and "something must be wrong" (I'm 5'6" weigh in the 140's. Not bad, but definitely not in danger of being underweight). When I weighed more, my "butt was expanding by the minute." Or one Christmas she gave me an XXL shirt despite the fact that I asked for it in a large but she just "couldn't believe that I could fit into that."

    Oh my God, I could go on and on. I think I need to read that book.
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    I thank you all for reading and commenting on my original post. I have received so many personal messages from people who did not wish to post publicly, and I totally understand. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. If you are reading the book, I do hope it helps. At least it is a place to start to try and "heal".
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    if you have a library card you just log into the system. If you have an e-reader you can download books or PDF files if you don't.

    Great suggestion!!
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    My one-time very slim, very attractive, size 8 (UK) mother always called me fat, said I only had attractive friends to make me feel better about myself and taking me shopping for clothes that were bigger than hers was embarrassing. This always struck me as being odd, seeing as though she fed me and bought the food I ate until I was old enough to fend for myself. To me, this is control, manipulation and emotional abuse at the very least.

    Now, I wouldn't wish ill on anybody, but the day she woke up a Size 18/20 and asked if I had some clothes she could borrow, gave me more pleasure than you could imagine. She has not mentioned my weight since then. However, the control and manipulation is still there, because she WILL NOT acknowledge that I am trying to do something about my weight, and still insists on giving me huge portions of meals that she only bothers to cook when we go over. She also controls meals out by refusing to let me pay for any and causing a scene when I try to put my foot down, thereby choosing herself where we eat.

    She is a nightmare.

    I am sorry you went through that. It IS "control, manipulation and emotional abuse". Reading the book, gave me a place to start, I hope it does the same for you.

    I realized, it really isn't about us... it is about them. I know my mother has never said she is proud of me to my face.. she will certainly say it to others when I am not there. I guess that is just bragging. I think she thinks it will take something from her by saying she is proud of me.
  • AlphamaleBAMF
    AlphamaleBAMF Posts: 373 Member
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    I never knew my dad. He was a junkie that got locked up for murder before I was born. I spoke to him on the phone a few times but I never got anything from him and I never met him.

    My mum was what we in Australia call "Stolen generation" so she never knew her real parents and was adopted. She was a nutcase alcoholic with a lot of problems.So was my step dad. They used to hit me a lot. But they got divorced and I never saw him again.

    My mother is honestly just weird I don't know to say. We have nothing in common and I stopped speaking to her a few years ago. I don't think I will talk to her again. I've got siblings but I don't speak to them either. I really think family is over rated and after I got divorced and stopped having visitation of my kids I just didn't see the point anymore.

    I spend my time alone on the holidays, I have no family anymore and no friends left. It used to bother me but I'm starting to get used to it. I may aswell since I don't see it changing.

    I think my life is much better without my parents in it. And would have been much worse if they were more involved. Some people just shouldn't have kids.
  • torrmairi
    torrmairi Posts: 64 Member
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    My parents are like this. They put me on my first diet at 10 and now constantly scrutinise me, asking if I'm on a diet now, why, why do you care about calories and macros and fitness? I was always too happy, too sad, too lazy, too hardworking. Unreliable. I wasn't allowed to see other kids outside school, yet they were disappointed I wasn't popular. When I was bullied and came home crying every day, they were plain awkward about it. They didn't want a child, they wanted a dependent adult. I wish I had the courage to just leave completely.
  • CanadianThunder
    CanadianThunder Posts: 84
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    That's horrible. You can borrow my mom for a bit, she's amazing and will lend nothing but support.
  • apedeb09
    apedeb09 Posts: 805 Member
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    Good post.. My mom used to do the same to me from an early age and even now. She's called me fat more times than I can count. It really hurts and it does stick with you forever.. I really just think she says stuff like that because she's unhappy with herself.
  • haylz247
    haylz247 Posts: 435
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    i'll see if i can find that book :)

    i was never called fat but i'm pretty sure skinny was thrown in there at some point. I had different emotional abuse and it does stay with you forever. It sucks!
  • miss_grad
    miss_grad Posts: 102
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    Edit: Thanks for posting the pdf. :)
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    I never knew my dad. He was a junkie that got locked up for murder before I was born. I spoke to him on the phone a few times but I never got anything from him and I never met him.

    My mum was what we in Australia call "Stolen generation" so she never knew her real parents and was adopted. She was a nutcase alcoholic with a lot of problems.So was my step dad. They used to hit me a lot. But they got divorced and I never saw him again.

    My mother is honestly just weird I don't know to say. We have nothing in common and I stopped speaking to her a few years ago. I don't think I will talk to her again. I've got siblings but I don't speak to them either. I really think family is over rated and after I got divorced and stopped having visitation of my kids I just didn't see the point anymore.

    I spend my time alone on the holidays, I have no family anymore and no friends left. It used to bother me but I'm starting to get used to it. I may aswell since I don't see it changing.

    I think my life is much better without my parents in it. And would have been much worse if they were more involved. Some people just shouldn't have kids.

    I am really sorry you went through such trauma. I feel that way about my biological family, but my REAL family I chose. You can too. Some people really are worth the effort, and letting them in your life. I know hurts less to keep everyone at bay, but maybe a time will come, when you will put your toe in the water. I wish you all the very best. Take care.
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    My parents are like this. They put me on my first diet at 10 and now constantly scrutinise me, asking if I'm on a diet now, why, why do you care about calories and macros and fitness? I was always too happy, too sad, too lazy, too hardworking. Unreliable. I wasn't allowed to see other kids outside school, yet they were disappointed I wasn't popular. When I was bullied and came home crying every day, they were plain awkward about it. They didn't want a child, they wanted a dependent adult. I wish I had the courage to just leave completely.

    I left home at 18, I got a job, and a place of my own. I am not saying it is for everyone, but it can work.
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    That's horrible. You can borrow my mom for a bit, she's amazing and will lend nothing but support.

    Thank you so much. You are a very lucky lady.

    Hugs to you and your mum
  • Irish_eyes75
    Irish_eyes75 Posts: 475
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    I was often told I was fat by my mother. Her favorite line was "nobody likes a fat girl".
    Looking back at elementary school and high school I was not fat. I was not skinny, but I was NOT FAT. I felt fat and I believed i was.
    Now - at 250lbs I AM FAT and I'm doing something about it. I can't even be in the same room with my mother now for more than 30 seconds.

    I am very aware of how I talk to my son. I never ever want to make him feel bad about himself. Just this afternoon he was telling me how disgusting freckles are. I told him that they are handsome and he is handsome and freckles are unique to everyone kind of like snowflakes - no two are alike. I don't know if that's true but he thought that was great and is proud of his freckles now.
  • TheArmadillo
    TheArmadillo Posts: 299 Member
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    It is a fab book and she has also done 'toxic inlaws' for partners.

    Cutting off contact with my family was the best thing I ever did and being away from them and being able to build up some self esteem meant I was finally in the right place to lose weight/exercise/get healthy.

    I know if I can survive everything I have been through them losing weight is a piece of piss in comparison :wink:
  • PurpleEpiphany
    PurpleEpiphany Posts: 96
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    To me, forgiving and forgetting are two entirely different things. You should forgive people for your own good (I believe the Dalai Lama is the one who said that hating someone is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die), but that doesn't mean you need to forget what they've done and put yourself into a toxic situation again.

    People like to preach about how important family is, but if your family is abusing you in any way (this includes mental abuse), you are not required to just take it because they're family. I applaud anyone who cuts this type of negative influence out of their life.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
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    I understand the pain. I'm a Christian, so I have to forgive. I could not forget until God intervened. Imagine twenty years of pain gone in a moment. This is what God did for me. I realize that He keeps his word when he says he will work all things for the good of those that love him and are called by him. We sometimes get really down when people hurt us, and it took me a long time to get there, but sometimes a changed perspective is all it takes to get the sting out of hurtful comments. When you realize that parents are just people, and as such do and say hurtful things at times, for purposes that have very little to do with you, you can relax.

    People who have learned contentment understand that life has joys and sorrows. When it comes to people, you have to take the bitter with the sweet, because none of us are perfect. Breaking up difficult relationships seems to be the advice of the day, but look where that has taken us as a country. Some people need to be left alone, but some need a hug.
  • Marll
    Marll Posts: 904 Member
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    I was lucky that I had good parents that raised me well and there was no abuse of any kind.

    My wife on the otherhand has a very controlling mother that also hurt her with diet, just the other direction by giving her junk all the time and ignoring the warning signs when she did get fat. She was probably 200lbs by 12 years old, and about 5'2" tall. She got herself to loose the weight, but mostly with starvation and exercise at around 15, dropping to 118lbs. Her mother never had anything good in the house, only junk. To this day my wife still struggles with weight, and it took me YEARS to get her to eat real food and vegtables.
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    I really just think she says stuff like that because she's unhappy with herself.

    I really do believe they are unhappy with themselves, or it is an insecurity in them, and has nothing to do with us. Misdirected frustration, anger, or whatever.
  • Katanthus
    Katanthus Posts: 348 Member
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    I was often told I was fat by my mother. Her favorite line was "nobody likes a fat girl".
    Looking back at elementary school and high school I was not fat. I was not skinny, but I was NOT FAT. I felt fat and I believed i was.
    Now - at 250lbs I AM FAT and I'm doing something about it. I can't even be in the same room with my mother now for more than 30 seconds.

    I am very aware of how I talk to my son. I never ever want to make him feel bad about himself. Just this afternoon he was telling me how disgusting freckles are. I told him that they are handsome and he is handsome and freckles are unique to everyone kind of like snowflakes - no two are alike. I don't know if that's true but he thought that was great and is proud of his freckles now.

    Even the word "fat" is not allowed in our house, unless it is referring to a substance. So, you aren't "fat" :) you, like me, are carrying a bit more baggage than we would like.

    All the very best

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