Toxic Parents...don't believe what you are told

Wonderful post! I can so relate to what you are going through because my life has been similar, even though I've never been overweight or outside of the "healthy" weight range for my height. I'm recovering from anorexia, and I think I'll have to get that book to continue to work on improving myself in healthy ways. Thank you, and best wishes to you.

My parents have old fashioned ridiculous attitudes and negative outlooks. ALL of my support comes from my WONDERFUL friends. Its hard to accept that families aren't necessarily supportive and positive so you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. If it wasn't for my friends, I'd believe the negativity...I used to feel like "is it me???" NO, its not, it's them.

I am so sorry to hear that you grew up in a home where those who were supposed to love you best couldn't really be there to support you. Glad to hear that you took some valuable things from the book.

What to do now? Surround yourself with supporting, loving people who will appeciate you for the person you already are. We certainly can't please everyone, but we can limit our contact with them! May time and a different perspective help to heal your hurts. Friend me if you want.

It is a fab book and she has also done 'toxic inlaws' for partners.

Cutting off contact with my family was the best thing I ever did and being away from them and being able to build up some self esteem meant I was finally in the right place to lose weight/exercise/get healthy.

I know if I can survive everything I have been through them losing weight is a piece of piss in comparison

Ditto! Yea us:flowerforyou:

I hear you! When I was 16, I was 5'2" and I weighed 98 pounds. My mother told me I had big thighs, and that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted, like a teenager (even though I was a teenager). But, really I was just starting to have a curvier figure (but I was still small and fit...I was a dancer). So, I quickly stopped eating. Pretty much all I ate was spinach and strawberries. My weight dropped to 88 pounds (my BMI was like 16). I stopped getting my period and started having very serious symptoms of malnutrition. Then one day I was in the shower and I started to black out. I got out of the shower and passed out on the floor. After that I started to realize I was in a serious situation. So, I told a friend and she told me to tell my mother. I told my mother and she said she refused to take me to a doctor. From that point on I paid my own medical bills. My mother said that if I was going to hurt my own health, she would not waste her money on it. This makes my mom sound bad. She's not that bad. I feel bad talking about her. Everyone makes mistakes. She just has a different idea of how to help people. She was good in other ways. I don't blame her for anything. I make my own choices. Any way, I have taken great care of my health since then and was very responsible. There was also a lot of abuse in my childhood (I shouldn't get into that). I just really related to this. My mother would never say something like that to me now. But, all through my life, my mother brought toxic people into my life, and for 7 years she had a man in my life (as a stepfather) and he sexually abused me horrendously.

I'm glad I'm an adult and can choose the people I am around now.

It helps to know I'm not alone in these experiences (reading what you and everyone else wrote).

Sometimes, some Parents can be abusive. Sorry you had to deal with that.

There were some other books that helped me:

Why is it always about you: the seven deadly sins of narcissism
Will I ever be good enough: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers
Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook
Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions

My father did this...Always told me that I would be the prettiest girl in my class if I just lost 50 pounds.

He started saying this in 2md grade, by the way. That's a great thing to do to your daughter who comes from a long line of people with eating disorders. The only man in your life basically saying you're fat. Fun.

My relationship with my mum is odd.... Sometimes she's amazing, sometimes she's a cow.... But its always me..

I have never been able to talk to her about personal stuff - that was always my Nan (who died last year) Mum had a breakdown about 13 years ago and said some seriously horrible stuff to me then. She's in a toxic relationship with a man, they're not intimate, she doesnt do hugs or anything. She's never said she loved me or is proud of me.

I run her business for her. She wasnt interested in it for ages, then comes back, wants to change everything. Even to answerphone message isnt good enough. Things I do arent good enough and sometimes I wonder why I bother.

When I was 18 I fell pregnant. The ultimatum was her or the child. I chose her. I am now childless, which maybe isnt a bad thing, but I've never forgiven her for that.

Before my Nan died she told me that when Mum fell pregnant with me (an accideent BTW) she demanded an abortion from the doctor, who said, dont be silly you're perfectly healthy enough to have a baby. In the 70's the 'done' thing was to marry the father, which she did and he treated her like *kitten* and me (told me I was fat and ugly at aged 8 - I have very little contact with him now)

They split up when I was 14 - and the whole well if I didnt have you I wouldnt have suffred this... thing came to light. I have since found out recently that my father wanted me to be a boy.

She'll never say anything directly - its all indirect snipes and sometimes I just want to run away. I'm 38 for goodness sake!!! We're supposed to having a family get together tomorrow and i dont want to go - I've spent anough time in her company already this week.

All I hear is I cant cope tih AB and C so I offer to help then its wrong then it goes round again......

Meh.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this thread. I ordered the book this morning not only because I have a very toxic mom, but because I don't want to become a toxic mom to my two amazing daughters and my beautiful granddaughter. I hope it will help me "break the cycle". Thank you.

It is so sad to know, that so many people go through this. I have to say, my mother was not all bad, she does have a very kind heart, with others, just not me. I understand that no handbooks are given out when you become a parent, and some parents do the opposite of being controlling, which can be even worse.. they don't give a monkey's uncle about what their offspring do or say. I know it is not easy to walk the line between too much and not enough. I guess all you can hope for, is you screw your kids up less than you were. /shrug

I know what you mean. Our mothers are just people, so they may be ok in their other relationships in life, but not a good parent. Although, my mother does have troubles in her other relationships as well.

I am a parent now. I worry a lot about being a good parent to my children. But, the reality is that I will make some mistakes here and there, but they will not experience horrendous trauma that results in PTSD and life long struggles. And if they feel bad or have an issue with me I will listen to them, I will genuinely apologize and I will not redirect the blame onto them. I will take responsibility. My kids are little now and I tell them that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes, and that I do not know everything (because I know that kids idealize their parents). I tell them to always trust themselves. And I tell them that I remember what it was like to be their age and that they can always come to me for support or to talk. And I tell them that if they ever did not feel comfortable talking to me for any reason that they could talk to a teacher or a friend's parent.

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure this as a child, sometime we (I'm a parent) don't realize the harm we causd our children by speaking our minds...I've always been a (I don't sugar coat ish) type mom...but maybe my approach is more harmful than helpful when dealing with my children. I'm not fond of name calling or picking on my children when they physically don't look the way I may want, neither of my children are even overweight, but at times I find myself asking my daughter questions like (when was the last time she ate, or she's skinny) this too isn't healthy! Thanks for sharing this with me...I'm going to work hard on changing my thinking.

Glad to see people are finding answers and solutions to issues from their past and present.

I have always been told I was fat by my mother as well. It is a painful thing that really sticks with you. When I was "developing" around the age of 11-12, I got stretch marks on my breasts. My mother told me it was because I was so damn fat. I have never forgotten that sting. I thought I was fat but looking at pictures of me at that I age I see that I was just right. Still my mother will tell me I am too thin if I lose weight. WTF does she want??? I have never felt thin even when I have been. I am working on that now.
Then my ex husband would call me fat but sabotage me when I would try to diet. It seems impossible to escape. My 2nd husband was fat so he never gave me a hard time about that.

My problem now is that my youngest son is really packing on the weight. He is almost 18 and makes most of his decisions. I ask him to go on hikes or bike rides. He rarely agrees. I try to encourage healthier foods but of course he wants the junk food.
I refuse to be unkind to him but how can I help him see the destruction he is doing to himself without hurting him. Am I being overly cautious because of how I was treated?

Has anyone dealt with this?