Toxic Parents...don't believe what you are told

My mom is like this too. Luckily my three brothers and Dad just want me to be happy and healthy, my little brother even offers to go on runs with me and my oldest brother tried to teach me how to surf this summer as a fun active activity. It's taken a long time to get over my mom and what she says though. She has her own issues with eating, when I was 16 I was struggling with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Otherwise Not Specified..a lot of young women [and men] in treatment fall into this area if their BMIs aren't quick low enough or if they display a variety of different disordered eating behaviors) seeing a therapist and a nutritionist and that was probably the only time she thought I looked "good". She still tells me "Oh your goal weight should whatever you weighed at junior prom, you looked great." First of all I was 16!! Now I'm 23, I have the body of a woman now, with hips and breasts. Also I was sick! I didn't eat, I over exercised, I binged and purged! Previous to this I had gotten a little chubby around the age of 13/14. My mom made it clear, she'd taunt me all the time, tell me how fat I looked, what I should and should not be eating. Then by 16 by doctor, brothers, and dad were insistent I gained weight. At the time I actually had a falling out with my oldest brother over a chocolate donut, yes a chocolate donut, he was just so mad and frustrated I wouldn't eat.

She has a cycle with me. When I'm too big, she's mean and taunts me. When I'm doing well, she's jealous and passive aggressive. When I'm a little on the skinny side, she'll occasionally be fine for a little. Then lord help me if I get skinnier or more fit than her because being around her is unbearable.

Years later, I've really come to realize it is all because of her own insecurities and now I truly tune her out. It took years of practice but I can. Working as a therapist I see women that struggle with their own body image and disordered eating all the time. I wish she'd get some help for herself so she can be happy but you can't force someone into help they don't want. Just months before I started this weight loss/finding balance journey she was getting on me about my weight and I explained to her that I was beginning to eat healthier and move more for myself, because I respect my body but not because I don't still love it, no matter what size. It really ruffled her feathers that I could say I loved my body, regardless of size.

It feels a little nice to say it, it almost makes her jealous or mad. Even now I'll reach for a bit of dessert (measured and fitting into my cals and macros) and she'll make a comment, I explain to her that I can lose weight without living off lettuce and carrots, that this delicious piece of dessert fits into my day and is accounted for, and I can tell it really annoys her. I've offered to get her involved on her, even though she doesn't lose weight I think it would be significantly better for her health to be part of MFP instead of the various crash diets she does every other month but she refuses.

Right now I'm working on letting it go completely, and not getting a small little kick over making her mad or jealous when I tune her out, say I love my body, or that I can live balanced while losing weight each week. I'd like to be at peace with it all eventually, maybe I cannot forgive her entirely, but I'd like to be a big enough person to not enjoy getting that little rise out of her, because I know better, am educated in the field, and despite the pain she's given me, I know she's struggling on the inside.

Affirmations help, they sound silly but write them out and read them daily. It helps, a lot.

Gosh, I didn't realize I had all these siblings out there! Too be sure, these stories read EXactLY as my childhood with being called "Fat" at 110lbs from 16-24,the i gained wt to 125 and thought I looked better! I'd love to post a picture of me at 14, I skinny w/teats and hips.

((So, the next time people start on me about my non-existent relationship with my "parents" I am going to show direct them to this link...too true, I've not has any contact with them in 8 years this december and ya know what? I don't miss them at all...))

Thanks for sharing this with us!
-Pennie

PS - years ago a therapist told me comparing myself to my mother, or letting someone else do that was the worst thing in the world to do, or vice versa...made me feel good, 'cause I used to argue with the step-father about being told "you are exactly like your mother." haha. one day, after he said this, I looked at him and said "I don't see how you can say/think that when you call me fat and ugly, yet you think your wife is the most beautiful woman on the plant." that shut him up on that subject for good.

Well said. I have one of those moms too. my favorite out of her mouth, 'you would be so pretty if you werent so fat' (she weighs in at 348) I am going to try that book. good luck on your journey.

Sounds like my mom. Except my mom's thing was jiggling my side every time I went in the kitchen to eat something, screaming at me for wearing my "fat pants" and to get on the scale so I could know just how disgusting I had become. But did she teach me healthy eating habits? Psh, no. I had to learn those on my own, several years after moving out of the house :P.

This is why I say that there are some out there who should NOT breed.

I feel everyone's pain in this one. I grew up with my parents being divorced from the time I was 4. My parents constantly bad mouthed each other and had completely different parenting styles. My dad left me with his parents to raise while he worked 10 -12 hours a day. Granted this is after he took custody of my sisters and myself because my mom threatened to raise the child support if he didn't start seeing us every once in a while. My mom always made sure we had food and could eat as we pleased. She tried to keep mostly healthy foods available. My grandparents spoiled my sisters and I and fed us what we asked for. I loved chocolate cream of wheat and cinnamon toast as a kid. I was a healthy weight until around 10 or 11 when my dad remarried. around then my dad made it so that I would never see my mother again. I slowly gained weight and had a hard time with depression. by high school I was around 200 pounds. By the time I was 16 I moved in with my mom and my weight kept creeping up. My mother always made comments about my weight and how If I had a pretty face, If I would just lose 20 pounds, I would be beautiful. She constantly competed with me over her weight and would get upset if I lost any weight when she wasn't. Every time I would try to lose weight, she would cook to sabotage me. After her car accident, she slowly gained weight until she was close to 350 pounds. My highest weight as 282 pounds, but my mother constantly put me down even though she weighed more than I did.

I've been there! My mother refuses to eat over 800 calories a day and is rail thin. She loves being thinner than me and happily gave me her fat clothes (which I did not ask for) but at the same time worries about my weight (I'm not overweight). GAH. So sick of the passive agressiveness at meals.