Adultery Diet
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Been there, too. My breaking point was when he took our baby daughter to work with him and ended up at "her" house. There was so much out of my control at that time, but I realized one thing I could control was what I ate and I went at it with a vengeance. Thank goodness in a healthy way that time.0
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I wake up every morning and relieve the nightmare. It has been 29 days since I found out. I am amazed at how many others of you have been through this. It is helpful to know that I will get through this - thats what all of you and everyone says - thats all I have to believe right now. I am in this place of losing the past and not knowing what the future is - like pergatory I guess. I keep busy. I put my skinny jeans and my boobie shirt on last night and went out - i look pretty fab minus these 15 pounds LOL - so despite feeling like a big piece of **** inside, I still faked it. I ate the little pasta pieces out of a bowl of soup and came home. I saw a movie too. I felt human and laughed with my girlfriend for a few minutes.
I liked what you posted (i cant remember which post) -
MY SPIIRIT MAY BE BROKEN, BUT MY WILL IS NOT.
AND
YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE LIFE YOU PLANNED IN ORDER TO HAVE THE LIFE THAT IS WAITING FOR YOU.
It is that great unknown that I am afraid of. I love my home. I dont want ot have to move. But I am so damn lonely. Thank God for my dog. We live between the kitchen (not that I am eating) and the bedroom. He kisses my tears away.
I dream alot and wake up with a punch in the gut- specific dreams about him taking his ring off, him showing up to get his things, him dying, ... its weird.
I hope he continues with counseling so he can deal with his issues. These are much of his issues. Although I am working on me and how I contributed to the grenade that was thrown on our marriage. But he says and has said on more than one occassion that he does not see us having a future as a married couple. That his feelings have changed. We just got married 15 months ago. WTF.
I go between anger, despair, lonely, insanity, fear, panic, dread thoughout the day. I am lucky to have a great support system.
I went to the gym yesterday. I am not quite recovered from the marathon- my lack of nutrition is keeping the muscle tear in my foot from healing quickly. But I did back and biceps. And I tanned. SOmetimes i just go to the gym so i can go tanning after I work out. LOL
THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE POSTED. PLEASE KEEP POSTING. I NEED YOU.
I am off to face day 29 of my nightmare. Or i could look at it as Day 1 of ME - if I felt better I could. Only I can make myself feel better. Ughhhhhh. Pergatory.0 -
They say that dreams are your subconscious way of sorting through things. Know that whether he takes off his ring, shows up to take his things, or DIES - you will survive this. Your dreams are preparing you for what is to come. Personally, I would stand and stare at him the entire time he is taking his things: but only so he would have to face what he has done. Some people can't bear to watch them "move out". But I say, he's already "moved out" and at least if you watch him, he won't take your stuff. Superficial?
Yep. You bet.
I hope you have an attorney and have filed for a legal separation. Trust me, you don't want to become entwined in his financial issues now that you aren't living together. Open your own personal bank accounts, close any joint credit cards. Contact ALL your accounts and tell them the situation. Really, you need an attorney ASAP. Even if you two somehow work through this (which, it sounds like you won't) - you still need to protect yourself now. Don't avoid this part of your life because of the pain. When I got divorced, the financial issues were lengthy, and a lot of it was forestalled because I did close accounts immediately after our separation. Even though we moved back in together once to try counseling, I still didn't combine our financial assets. As a matter of fact, I separated my monies and placed them in a "safe" place the day after he moved out the first time. When the divorce was final, I still had what I came into the marriage with.
The house. That is difficult, but you will actually feel better when you aren't living in the house with all the memories, and having to take care of it all by yourself. I assume he isn't "dropping by" to help you with the lawn and the garbage etc...?
Simplify your life as much as you can. Eliminate any unnecessary responsibilities and just focus on health and moving forward.
Tomorrow is just a promise. Yesterday is only a memory. Your power is in THIS moment. Try to stay present in the moment, and don't dwell on "what might happen" or "what already happened". I find life is so much easier that way. :flowerforyou:0 -
Riverside gave you some good advice, BUT, before you CLOSE any joint accounts, find out if your creditor will re-open an account in your name alone. If not, ask if you can simply have his name removed and carry on. These days it is a lot more difficult to get credit than it was before. If you close all your accounts before ascertaining your own options, you can put yourself in a jackpot you don't need to be in.
Part of what will affect the financial part of this will be whether or not you live in a community property state. Only an attorney can tell you, if you are not already familiar with your state's laws.
Good luck. I am glad you got out with your friend. A few minutes laughter is a good start. I have been through a situation similar to yours. The first time, in about the same timeframe as what you described. It seemed more difficult the first time, because I was younger, and still believed love was "forever."
The second time, the man I thought I was going to marry LEFT his two kids from a prior marriage with ME and ran off with the wife of someone he worked with. She LEFT her two daughters with their dad. Then these two went to another state and attempted to ADOPT a newborn.:noway: I found out about it before the adoption was finalized and with some well -placed phone calls got the state to reconsider the fitness of these two for adoptive parenting.
I know they now live in a neighboring state, but this took place over 30 years ago, and believe me.--it sucks NOW, but time REALLY does heal such wounds. Keep putting one day in front of the other and take care of YOU!!:flowerforyou: I know how valuable the companionship of a dog can be during a tough time. I have three of them. They always take care of me when I am down, and frequently do things that make me laugh.0 -
CM, your advice and insight is very valuable. I guess you have a bit of personal experience to draw from. Thank you, as I'm sure Sabes thanks you too. I love your closing line...don't think about what might happen or what already happened. It's easier said than done, but absolutely what is needed when dealing with the gut-wrenching pain of infidelity. I also like the way you detail strategy for separating herself. That is definitely a way to work through the pain- moving forward on a path whether it is toward divorce or just some independence, it will help gain some momentum and regain self-confidence. I know for the longest time I felt like I was running in circles, or running through mud and unable to get anywhere.
Sabes-I hear you on the nightmares too. And when you wake from them, it's like you just found out yesterday, and it hits you like a wave. Don't resist these feelings, allow yourself some grieving time when you're awake, because the more you try to deny it or push it away, the harder I think it's going to make everything. It is ridiculous to believe that your husband completely fell out of love with you in the 15 mos that you have been married, and I looked at some of your profile pics, and he is just plain stupid to leave you period. You're gorgeous and you radiate with joy and happiness, even in the race pic when you were obviously going through some of the worst of this pain. Just so you know, my therapist says it takes about a year to recover from infidelity, and after 6 mos I think it's AT LEAST a year and maybe longer. So take it day by day, continue to do things for yourself like going out and chatting with girlfriends, and know that eventually this too shall pass. Hope this helps:flowerforyou:0 -
My heart hurts for all of you! I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all go away, but I know there isn't, so please just know that I am thinking of all of you and will say a prayer for your continued strength. There are alot of very strong and amazing people on this website! Hugs to you all.:flowerforyou:
Sabes, all of the people who have replied have had really good advice and great ideas for taking your life back. It is YOUR life, not his and you cannot let him ruin your health because HE IS SOOOOO NOT WORTH IT! I know you know that and I also know that it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but honey, you have to take care of yourself! I am so glad you went out with your friends and that you went to the gym, I love to tan too, makes me feel all warm in the middle of a Michigan winter! And that is what you need most right now is to do things that make you feel good. I'm glad you are taking the Lexapro, that really helps. Therapy is a "must" too. Even though you think you know what you are feeling, having a trained ear to listen to you helps so much. There are so many things you need to get out in the open and to work through, having a therapist is truly something you need. Mine always tells me that you have to go through the *kitten*, no way to avoid it, but you don't have to go through it barefoot! Get some help, you will be glad you did.
You are still running a marathon, this one is the one to get your life back, and just like the other one you completed, you will complete this one too. One step at a time.
Hugs. :flowerforyou:0 -
I went through the same thing when I was 6 months pregnant. Now 25 years later, he has passed away from alcholism. I can look back at my wrongs in the marriage and his. It all hurt so much and I was so confused.
Now I'm a little clearer.
Since I decided to stay, I wish I had tried to get some really good counseling at a church.
I wish I had been a better person.
I wish he had been a better person
I wish I hadn't stayed in the marriage.
I wish that we both would have continued to look for a church for our family so we could have matured in a more loving, kind way.
Two suggestions: Do not beat yourself with this. His adultery really has nothing to do with you. it is his problem and his choice.
There is nothing you did or did not do to cause this.0 -
I am going out tonight. I am wearing my new skinny jeans and my tall boots and takin this little 15 pound less *kitten* out to get flirted with. Only problem is the girls I am going with dont go out til 930! I am normally in bed by then.
Not tonight. Wish me luck:) I am only going out for a little while. But I AM going and leaving my dog and my robe and my spot under the covers.... baby steps...
Dear Cheating Husband,
Go F*** yourself.0 -
Don't let him get you down. Keep your head held high, he did this and he should pay, not you! My ex was a real piece of work also, and i just had to get it in my head that i deserved better. My current husband knows that if he wants someone else he is free to leave any time, but he better take his crap when he goes! As i always say " Don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya"! You don't need that crap and no one else does either. Let him go and find someone who deserves you, he obviously doesn't! 0
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You go girl!!!!!!!! Have a wonderful time!:drinker:0
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i've been there too. long time ago in 1996. i was married a man who cheated on me, when we were together and when we were married. we didn't have any kids, because i miscarried twice. when he left me i really didn't eat at all and i lost almost 35 to 40 lbs. i eventually gained it back though.0
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YAY!!!! You go and you have a GOOOD time!!!! Keep us posted!
Hugs!!:flowerforyou:0 -
im home. it sucked.
i felt super old. so we went to the next place and all along i saw people that he knows an dworst of all is one of them can barely say hello becuz i think he knew.
I am home in my robe with my dog back under the covers.
I miss my life and my husband.
i dont want to have to go out and meet anyone. I dont want anyone else.0 -
im home. it sucked.
i felt super old. so we went to the next place and all along i saw people that he knows an dworst of all is one of them can barely say hello becuz i think he knew.
I am home in my robe with my dog back under the covers.
I miss my life and my husband.
i dont want to have to go out and meet anyone. I dont want anyone else.
Yup.....that's pretty much how I felt when I went out with my sister. I felt WAAAY older than everyone. Getting back out into the dating world was such a daunting thought so all I wanted to do was stay home and watch my sex in the city. I didn't have my doggie then and I am sure he would've been such a comfort so I am glad you have your dog.
There's nothing really to say that will make you feel better. Time is the only thing that helps. MANY a time I wished there was a fast forward button for my life so I could get to the part where it didn't hurt as much.0 -
You don't HAVE to do anything right now except take care of you. It would not be fair to you or to the other person for you to rush out and "meet" someone. You are very vulnerable now. You can still socialize with your friends. You learned something tonight. You are not comfortable right now going out and doing the party scene. There are still plenty of other things you can do to keep your state of mind moving toward the positive. You don't have to have a man in your life to be a complete person.
There is a process you have to go through to be ready to accept moving on. It is more difficult when you had the rug pulled out from you. The easy thing to do is withdraw and say "I want things to be as they were." Adopting this philosophy is not going to help your mental health in the long run.
I could write a book on coping in such situations, but everyone's experience is a little different. I know it seems impossible to you right now, but it will get better. Just don't give up on YOU. You are still a valuable, intelligent person, and you deserve to have good things happen to you. Don't let the actions of another destroy your confidence in yourself and your ability to build a good life for yourself.
Tomorrow is another day. Meet it with your head held high. If weather permits, take that sweet doggie for a walk. Make something healthy for breakfast. Curl up with the doggie and read the paper. Meet a friend for coffee. These are just some suggestions. I hope you have a good Sunday.
Keep posting. We are all pulling for you.0 -
As a woman who is with the same man since I was 21 years old, I cannot imagine what you must feel. I had a DREAM I caught him cheating one time and awoke to punch him in the chest! I couldn't even look at him for a week.............and it was a freaking dream!
All I can say is that I am very proud of you for seeking help in whatever venue you have available to you. It is hard to talk to friends and family because they love you too much.
So here you can call him anything you want..........well with ^*$#% anyway! We will listen.
I am simply amazed that you did the disney run! You should feel pride and love for yourself for doing this.
YOU ARE BRAVE AND YOU ARE WORTH LOVING!!!!!
Jeannie0 -
Good morning sabe.
Sorry about the whole "bar scene" thing. I am so old that if they carded me they would say, "Sorry, but we're full....." :laugh:
NO worries. The men will be there .......later. I hope you will give yourself a long time to sort this through before trying another relationship, and it really isn't fair to another man to get involved when you are still married or even while you are still angry.
Flirting is fun. But "wanting anyone else" - as you said - needs to take at least a year as weaklink said. Get through the breakup first.
Maybe find a book club or a running group or join a ZUMBA class. Dancing at ZUMBA will heal your spirit. The music will grab you and the exercise will lift you up.
Good morning to your pup, too. :flowerforyou:0 -
All i can say is keep your chin up! Baby steps! You will get through this!!! HUGS!0
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I applaud you for attempting to turn a negative into a positive by bettering yourself. I recently broke up with a woman that I know was my soul mate...I am certain that she is an angel with one wing and I am an angel with one wing and only together could we fly. Anyway, she decided that she wasn't ready for an intense relationship so she let me go and I tell you I have never felt such raw and unmitigated pain in my life. It would be easy to hit the bars and numb the pain with cheap booze and cheaper women, but I have decided to take the high road and get in the best possible shape of my life. I guess subconsciously I think that I might get her back if I get more ripped and more tanned, but realistically I know it's over. The only solace I have now is that for every pound of fat I lose, for every pound of muscle I gain and for every shade darker I get in the tanning booth I know that I am not only making my body healthier but my heart as well. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on. BTW I see you like to tan at your gym. Banana Boat has just put out a dry oil spray tan accelerant that is working pretty well for me. I found it at Target and it has really given me a nice and deep bronzed tone.0
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I went through this as well and like you I ran a marathon exactly a year after my divorce. Running and training for a race like that must show you by now that you can do anything you put your mind to-- and that includes getting through this devastating experience. I can speak from experience that it does get better. Focus on yourself and your children (if you have any) your friends and your loved ones. You didn't make your husband cheat, his lack of character did! Believe in yourself and look forward.
Not sure if you are trying to make your marriage work or if you are getting divorced but one thing is for sure: Good things await you!
I never thought I would find happiness again. But today I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. I wouldn't trade the hard times I have lived through for anything. They brought me to a better place.0 -
Thank you. I know in the end I will be stronger. My spirit is broken, but my will is not. I am in limbo still between fighting for my marriage and letting go. I think that my gut says let go - he isnt mine anymore. And my tenacity and stubborness is making me say wait - I need you back first so then I can make the choice. I feel like we owe it another shot.
He said he still wants the divorce, but is willing to continue to see our therapist before he signs the papers (i served him) - he said his feelings had changed so much overthe time that our marriage was souring that he sees no future for us as a married couple.
But he met me at churchthis morning. Then we grabbed a bite to eat. Then sat in the car and talked - in which I was saying the for better or worse means you dont bail. Our relationship as it was is dead. We would have to start a new one. I cried. I told him to come home. I really am pathetic. But he is my husband and I am his wife dammit. He doesnt know what he wants from all of this. Just insists that he does not have the desire to try to make it work.
The therapist thinks he is running form something that he will have to face inside himself if he should decide that he wants to make this work.
Of course he is not in love with me, otherwise he wouldnt have had an affair. Duh. But it doesnt mean it is gone forever. I am still the same person who he said I DO to 17 months ago - actually a better, stronger person because of this and some things i have discovered about myself.
Following this journey together, he will learn about himself as well.
Couples get through this. I need to know that I did everything I possibly could for this marriage.
Last night sucked. I wasnt looking for "someone" i was just wanting to be out and feel good about myself. I hate the bar scene, but my single girlfriends are entertaining. LOL
I am fighting for my marriage. But I am also realistic.
This is day 30 for me on finding out about him.
At some point I will be ready for my Day 1 for me. I am just not there yet.
I will be though,0 -
Sabes,
So glad you posted today. You sounded so much better than after you came in from your night out. It sounds like your survivor spirit is coming to the forefront and that will help you, whatever the outcome of your situation turns out to be. The therapy will help, too--no matter which way things turn out.
I will keep you in my prayers.:flowerforyou:0 -
You look amazing in your pic - I am so sorry to hear of what you are dealing with - and I think it is horribly sad that so many others are going through it too
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I went through the same thing when I was 6 months pregnant. Now 25 years later, he has passed away from alcholism. I can look back at my wrongs in the marriage and his. It all hurt so much and I was so confused.
...
Two suggestions: Do not beat yourself with this. His adultery really has nothing to do with you. it is his problem and his choice.
There is nothing you did or did not do to cause this.
Believe it or not, this is also my story - he cheated when I first got pregnant. Decided that he suddenly didn't want to be a father and as my body changed during pregnancy, he didn't want me, either. He went through two more wives after I divorced him and ended up dying nearly 3 years ago from a heart attack brought on by extreme alcholism, smoking and a constant diet of fast food.
I had the same thought you did - that I needed to be sure that I had done everything possible to save the marriage. I stayed for a year and it was the longest, loneliest year of my life. It was so hard - none of our friends would talk to me any more. My mother in law had passed away, but my father in law told me that it was my fault because it was 'the woman's job to keep the marriage together' (he has since apologized, remarkably). If it weren't for my therapist, I don't know how I would have come out the other side intact. In fact, therapy was far and away the smartest thing that I did for myself - it was such a relief to have someone to talk to who was not intimately involved in the situation and could help me work through it objectively.
However - the quotes above are absolutely right: There is NOTHING that you did or did not do to cause this! It is HIS problem, and not yours!
One day, you will decide to rise up from this - and you will rise up with your power, your confidence and your dignity intact. You will be able to plan your life beyond him and you will celebrate yourself once again. Have faith in yourself.
We are all here for you!0 -
This thread has reminded me of a conversation with my since deceased mother. I remember one day telling her I was going to leave my husband.
She asked:
'Did he hit you?"
"Did he cheat?"
"Is he drinking"
"Did he spend his paycheck and not pay the bills?"
" Did he not come home after work every night?"
I said no to the all of the above. Her response was:
"The next one MIGHT!"
Just something on my mind. My heart hurts for you today. I do not even know any of you, but my heart hurts. :tear:0 -
Thank you. I know in the end I will be stronger. My spirit is broken, but my will is not. I am in limbo still between fighting for my marriage and letting go. I think that my gut says let go - he isnt mine anymore. And my tenacity and stubborness is making me say wait - I need you back first so then I can make the choice.
Not for nothing but I had a friend do this 24 years ago and she is still fighting Herpes. :ohwell:
I say YOU are worth moving on with your life. 0 -
I see so many have gone through the same, just as I have. I hope all these replies will give you strength.
You will get better, it just takes time. I used to survive on practically fresh air, adrenalin and alcohol. Wasn't much of me to start with and a lot less after few weeks but my body sorted itself out in the end. Adulterers suck but the hurt survive and are stronger for it.
Just remember you are far better than them and can rise above this.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
i feel better right now. i live in the now. i am more than so profoundly grateful for all of you on this board. sharing stories to let me know i will survive and i am handling this like i should...
i feel at this moment that i have moved from processing to dealing...
it is a step into a new phase i think.
who knows what tomorrow will bring.
but i think i have turned a little corner.....0 -
Sabes,
I think you are on the right track, and showing great self awareness. We are all pulling for you.0 -
Stay strong friend! It is a horrible experience and until you have lived it you really have no idea how hard it truly is:(
I am so sorry for you and know that things will get better. I had a friend tell me....you know in one year you are not going to feel this way, this time next year you will be ok. WOW, that sounded so far away but, almost 4 years to the day I AM OK! Remarried this past June and happier than ever!!
I happened to do will with the adultery diet as well.....but I have been on the Happy and in love diet and now I am "fluffy" again
Wishing you all the best and healing thoughts your way!0
This discussion has been closed.
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