Divorce & Children?

... I don't talk bad about daddy even when she asks why daddy doesn't want to live with us, I just tell her that he doesn't love mommy anymore. That in itself may seem harsh, but I feel honesty is best. She will find out on her on why he doesn't love me anymore. BUT, I always reassure her that daddy loves her very much and that will never change.

You may not think "honesty is best" but... you'd be incorrect. You're projecting your hurt over your divorce directly onto that child. It's classic behavior that's damaging to a child.

“Balancing the DIVORCE Equation”

Children's Fears:

“Is it my fault? What did I do wrong?”
“Daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore, could he stop loving me?”
“Can I tell mom what a great time I had with Dad?”
“I hate hearing my Dad say bad things about Mom, but I’m afraid to say anything.”

I didn't read all of the replies, but that's about the age my kids were when we split.

It DOES get better with time, I also found that a solid structure/schedule is a must. An absolute must.

Set your weekends up or days and do not move them around or switch off the grown ups decided to split so YOU make it work.

The first 6 months to a year, this is crucial to have your child get used to the "new" way things are.

Never ever under any circumstances talk negative in the slightest way about the other parent, never put them in a bad light....and always tell them that Mommy and Daddy love you...if you do prayers don't let your child omit daddy just becuase he's at your house....encourage talk about Daddy when the child brings it up.

And I always use the reason for the split as "We had grown up issues, that you don't need to worry about" However my 6 year old speculates these whopper stories and I just laugh.

*HI FIVE*

This happened with my daughter however our situation was different my soon to be ex husband went to work one morning and waited for us to go to my doctors appointment and came home and moved out so she never got to say goodbye or anything. Almost that was seven months ago tomorrow and he still has had no contact with our 4 children. It took her a few weeks to begin throwing a fit when I dropped her off at daycare. I finally sat down and asked her flat out if the reason she did this was because she thought I would not come back. Her answer yes like daddy. Broken hearted I explained to her that I would NEVER leave her and if something happened that I could not make it to pick her up (I was pregnant at the time) I would make sure grandma and grandpa would get her and bring her to me. It took me and her about a week I would give her something of mine to hold until I came back to get her then she was ok. I fear what will happen when her dad decides to use his visitation if we will go through this all over again

He'll adjust to it. He's young enough. He probably won't even really remember all of this in the long run. You both just need to make time for him. You might not love each other anymore and he can know that. Just make sure he knows you both love HIM.

Ehh...not necessarily true. My younger brother was 2 when my parents divorced and he still struggles with it (he's 25 now). It's definitely shaped who he is as a person.
My parents were civil and mature in the beginning, but it only took a year or two (and remarriages for both) for it to turn ugly.

Let me echo all the others who have said be mature, co-parent, explain things to your son in a sensible way, and still act as a family when you can (his school events, some holidays, etc). It will make it so much easier in the long run.

I was about your son's age when my parents split, and I guess I was okay with it because to me it was just the way it always was. I don't have many memories from when they were together, and the ones I do have are not good ones. I always looked at it as a positive, actually, relative to what it would have been like had they stayed together (they were quite hostile). I had a good relationship with both my parents for many years, up until my dad got married. His wife caused all kinds of problems as she was convinced that even after many, many years my dad still had feelings for my mom, which took quite a toll on our relationship as she would not allow him to have any kind of reasonable contact with her. I now haven't talked to my dad in 3 years, BUT I have a wonderful relationship with my mom.

My point being, even if your ex is a butthead, you can still have a good relationship with your son, so long as he knows how much YOU care about him.

I'm about to finalize my divorce in the next couple months, and we have 2 children together (3 year old twin boys).
It gets easier. Your child will have some fall out, but let them feel that. Even though my ex-husband is vile and makes life extremely difficult for me, I still maintain to our children that we "are friends". My situation is slightly different custody-wise because my ex pretty much divorced our kids through this as well. He sees them once a week. Some people say "oh, that's not bad" so let's put that into perspective. My ex sees his 2 sons 1 time in 7 days, 4 out of 31, and 48 out of 365.

48 days out of 365. wow.

Thankfully, my kids have come through it pretty well. They don't ask about him much, and don't question much, but when they do, I maintain that we are friends, just don't live together anymore. Make sure you see him as much as humanly possible right now, spend quality time, and hug/love him as much as possible. My kids have become VERY bonded towards me, and are VERY affectionate now.

They adjust, it just definitely takes time. Hopefully your ex stops with the negative comments, even though he's hurting, he really shouldn't be letting your child deal with adult problems.

I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.

^this

My 2 year old daughters dad and I broke up about a month ago and he moved out (all his decision, I thought we were happy). I had really hoped that we would be able to make things work smoothly for our daughter and stay friendly but I feel like he is not willing to meet me half way. He is being pretty stubborn and already he is flaking out when he is suppose to see her or call her. I would never say anything bad about him to my daughter but I guess I have discussed it with other people around her and will definitely be more careful with that. I sometimes forget that even at 2 she understands so much and is always listening even if she is watching Dora, lol.

I do firmly believe that her happiness and well being NEEDS to be the priority and I am trying so hard to do what I think is best for her even if that means that I feel like I am always giving in to him and his requests. I hope she never ends up hating her dad but if she ever does I DO NOT want it to be because of anything that I said or did. All I can do is keep trying to be the bigger person and hope it will all work out in the end.

Good luck to you, it's definitely not an easy situation to go through.

my daughter wwas 17 months old when her dad and i split up (though she was 7 when i finanlly got my divorce because he fled and i couldnt find him in order to get the divorce). there were days i would drop her off at day care (or my mom depending on my schedule at work) and sshe would cling but that was normal the only problem we really ahd with her dad was him not showing up when he promised he would show up (even now taht she is 24 with a child of her own he is still pulling her in 20 different directinos saying he wil come then he wont come even pulling that when she graduated high school and got married) he did eventually show up for graduation but not wedding he hasnt even had the never to come 5 hours to see his only grandchild who is now fixing to turn 3 years old yet i see her at least once or 2ce a week so no it isnt u its a phase

My ex fancied calling me all sorts of things, and when she died this spring, one of my daughters wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at the funeral. If you want to be hated on your death bed, just be nasty, it will work like a charm.

So true. Bad mouthing *may* only work for a limited time. Eventually, the kids will catch on and know what the bad mouthing parent is doing. They're not stupid.

Remember, you're bad mouthing their father/mother!!

i never abd mouthd my ex to point where i turned my daughter against her dad he proved to her what he was by failing to keep promises, etc. she came to me when she was 14 and told me that when she got married she would invite her dad to the wedding but by no means was he goingto walk her down the ailse since my dad was the one that actually raised her she said my dad would walk her down the aisle. as far as bad mouthing the other parent i wish my eldest neice would get a grip when her mom and dad (My brotehr) got divorced her mom got upset cuz we took my brother side and bad mouthed my brother so bad that not only did their daughter turn against him but she also turned against us and she was around 10 and her brother around 8 when they divorced my nephew did reconcile with his dad and all and is very active in the family unlike his sister

I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."

Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced

Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.

If he is trying to turn him against you then why are you letting your son stay with him, instead of with you?

My kids were 10 and 8 when we split up. Unfortunately my ex did the same kind of things. Badmouthing me to the kids when they wentt o visit him. He put me down for years. They would come home and question me and I would say,"You live with me, you know how I am." I never , ever put him down. I would encourage them to spend time with him. Now the kids are 22 and 20 and they would both tell you that their father was an *kitten*. He passed away a year and a half ago due to colon cancer. And ..although they miss him, they do know how he was.

Be the better person. Never ever put him down to your son. Your son has a right to love both parents equally. he has a right to not feel that he has to pick sides. he didn't ask to be in a family that broke apart. So respect your son. One day, if your ex continues with the crap, he will understand ...and he will appreciate you for being the better person

Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?

Happy divorced parents are better than constantly fighting unhappy parents.

Thank You for this....

Totally agree!