Mommy is losing it...

Oh crikey, tell me about it! I'm having the same issue with my 4-year-old daughter: major whining, meltdowns, and being fresh on occasion.

My M.O. has become this:

First whine: she gets a warning, and a reminder that she needs to put some sugar in her voice and take out some of the spice.

Second whine: she gets sent to her room, which usually entails me physically picking her up and hauling her, kicking and screaming, to her room. I close the door, she'll scream for about 2 minutes, and then when she's ready, she'll come out. I've been lucky in this respect: I never take her 'out' of time out. She just stays in there until she's calmed down, then she'll come out of her room, approach me contritely, and when I raise an eyebrow at her, she'll apologize to me. I always ask her why she was sent to her room to ensure that she understands what she did wrong.

My 6 year old is the last of 5 kids (the oldest is leaving for the Marines on Monday! He's almost 21.)

They almost all had their "whiny" stage. The thing that was most effective for us has been identifying that *one* thing that they love: TV time, Computer time, DS, play dates, money, etc. and let them know that the next time they whine about something, they lose the TV/Comp/DS/$. . .for a finite time/cost. Right now, when the 6 year old pitches a fit about rinsing his dishes off and putting them in the dishwasher, he loses TV time for the rest of the day. Occasionally, when I'm really fried, he loses all electronic items. When he hits his sister, she owes her his entire weeks allowance ($1.50).

When you make the punishments up and inform the kiddo (not in the middle of a whining session, but when he' calm) be sure he articulates back to you what's to be expected. And then, the very next time he whines, WHAM. . .nail him with the consequence. Don't give him the chance to weasel his way out of it. Do this the next few times and he'll KNOW you mean business.

Hopefully, after a few times of losing the stuff he loves, he'll start to think twice before whining.

One of my best friends was going through this with her daughter. She couldn't get through a shopping trip without some sort of whining and then a melt down. So one time her daughter threw a temper tantrum in the store, my friend got down on the floor and started kicking and screaming too. The daughter stopped immediately and told her mom to stop because it was really embarassing! The mom told her that's how she looks when she's having a melt down and the daughter never did it in public again! She was about 6 at the time. Don't know if I would have the guts to do that, but it worked.

^^This. This is exactly what I've done with my nephew when I took care of him for two weeks; he was the boy my sister and brother in law always wanted, and he could do whatever he wanted. And when he didn't get it, like everytime I was taking care of him, he was whining. So that's what I did, at home, in the kitchen. You should have seen his face :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: big round eyes, just couldn't believe what he was seeing. So I told him "This is exactly what you look like. Not very pretty..."! And that was the end of it! Good luck. Great advices in here. And good for you for having you ex helping you with that; this is not easy. :flowerforyou: Personally, my ex never cared about the kids, so I raised them alone; my daughter was 11 months and my son was 2 y.o. at the time. They're now 16 & 18 y.o. and I couldn't ask for better teenagers/adults!

You will get through this. :flowerforyou:

Hi! Here's my 2 cents. I agree with the other posters who suggest getting some distance (sending him to his room or you leaving the room), but I would also add--

Say very calmly (OK, as calmly as you can): Please go to your room until you can talk to me without the whine (or until your tantrum is over). If he doesn't comply, give a consequence: Please go to your room now or no SpongeBob tonight (or whatever he really likes). Then FOLLOW THROUGH! Even if he makes your life completely miserable FOLLOW THROUGH. Just calmly state, "No, you didn't follow directions...so No Spongebob...We'll try again tomorrow." If the time outs to room aren't getting his attention, I would immediately switch to "Response Cost," which means the inappropriate behavior (whatever it is--whining, tantruming) will cost him something (again, whatever you take away has to be something meaningful to him). Also--ALWAYS (or as much as you can) CATCH HIM BEING GOOD: "Hey, thanks for picking up your toys without whining about it."

I can guarantee you, that the biggest chance for positive change is if you and ex come up with a plan (reward/consequence) and then stick to it NO MATTER WHAT. Your boy's behavior will get a little worse at first (because he's going to up the ante to see if you cave...like most parents usually do) but then (within a month, often sooner) you will notice a vast improvement if you follow through every time. And the beauty of this is that it will set the tone for the next developmental stage (adolescence!!!) when you want him to know YOU MEAN BUSINESS. I fully believe it is essential for the well-being of children for them to have parents who are in charge. Kids often want to be in charge, but it is not what's best for them.

Congrats to you and your ex for co, parenting cooperatively--that is 3/4 of the battle, especially when it comes to discipline.
GOOD LUCK~! :flowerforyou:

spanking for whining? i disagree..IMO

what worked for me was what most said here,

I simply said "Mommy doesnt understand whine, when you are ready to talk in a regular voice come see me"

they stop if you remain consistent.

love you babycakes.

1st off, it takes 5 to 6 weeks before any one parenting method works. You try a new method, if he rebels long enough, you'll change methods.

You have to *mean* what you say when you punish him. I never tolerated my kids whining and they stayed in their room until they were done. Even now that they're older, I call them out on their whine.

When the were young I would tell them flat out "This is a no whine zone, you can go to your room until you stop whining"

"I'll stop whining"

"No. You whined, you need to go to your room for 5 minutes, I'll set the timer"
*whine* "Are my 5 minutes up?"
"no, the timer did not go off, I'm resetting it, I will let you know when your time is up, do not ask"
every time he asks, reset the timer. **If you go this route, it's a must. he will push the envelope until you give in. Children are the best manipulators on earth!! I used the microwave timer because they can hear it in their room.

Magic 1-2-3 is a good book, also.

**While I'm not anti-spank, spanking him will give him reason to whine even more and I would typically save it for very specific actions.

you need to be careful about rewarding good behavior, it should be something that he does automatically and will start expecting rewards for everything. hugs of thanks and doing something he enjoys will be a good motivator. (doing something rather than getting something like a toy, candy, money, that sort) cooking his favorite meal on a stellar day is also something you can do.

My youngest brother went through this for a while. The only thing that worked was completely ignoring the bad behavior and responding positively when he calmly asked for something.

OK remeber that each child is different and different things work on them.

With my daughter we just spanked her that killed her whiny phaze real quick.

MY son was a challange negative reinforcement really didnt work on him. Spankings, groundings none of it worked. What works with him is jumping jacks he hates them . So I make him do jumping jacks. Also if he whines at me I look at him and tell him I cant understand him when he talks like that. Also positive reinforcement. when he does thing the way he is supposed to high fives and other small rewards.

It has worked wonders with him .

so much advice on this but I'll join in.
6 is too old for whine - so hes got an agenda - he knows its a button pushing move.

Ignore is GREAT! BUT - dont stop or change. So often we'd swear we are consistent and really we are not.
No whining has always been a phrase I use. The first sign of whine I cut them off and remind them to not speak like a broken or beat up half dying animal. Act like a human in need and you will treated as such.

Once I even hit the floor with the boy and whined and rolled around. He stood over me and said mom is silly. I said well so are you when you do this. Its silly, pointless and only makes mom act silly! Do you get what you want? NO- so quit it.


My real advice is this- only you know whats best - but I hold true to being consistent over everything else.
And- never ever forget- it will take MILLIONS of times to teach a child something. I told 3 kids for 10 years to shut the glass door using the handle. TEN YEARS I wiped with Windex and begged them to use the handle. A wise friend who is a child whisperer once said- 10 years aint all that bad! Hope this helped or at least let you know all moms feel your pain and I can tell you- this too shall pass!