Worried about fiance'

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bethygirlie
bethygirlie Posts: 311 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am really worried about my fiance'. He leads an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. His resting heart rate is 95-100, he smokes 2 packs a day, he drinks energy drinks, and he sits around playing xbox and sleeping. He has no physical activity at all. He's 24, so he thinks that it's fine that he does this, that nothing bad can happen. He quit drinking two years ago, but that's because I gave him an ultimatum. I really don't want to give him an ultimatum again but I don't want to be a widow by the time he's 30. I am really concerned. He eats like a 5 year old on a binge (flamin hot funyns, cheetos, pizza, mcdonalds, a whole box of granola bars in one sitting, candy, etc.) he carries all his excess weight in his stomach. He's 5'3" and weighs 180. I know 180 isn't a lot but all these other factors going for him are going to cause him a lot of grief in the long run. I work on a cardiac unit of a hospital and I know how dangerous everything he does, added up, can do. I just want to know a good way to talk to him without him thinking that I'm being a jerk or trying to say he's fat/unattractive to me. I love him, I just don't want him to die...

and please, no comments about "how can you be with someone who sits around and plays xbox all day?" because I just want answers to the question I posted, not about my relationship.
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Replies

  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
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    It must be torture to watch your beloved abuse his health so badly. I'd be really worried too if I were you. I don't know what you can if he just isn't ready to admit he's got a problem. If you approach it from a position of love and compassion and that you are worried about his health (not his weight) then it's really up to him how he takes it. Pity you can't take him to work and show him the consequences of his actions.
  • bethygirlie
    bethygirlie Posts: 311 Member
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    Yeah I wish I could take him to work with me. The thing about it is, he thinks that just because he's 24 nothing bad can happen to him. Well, maybe not right away, but he's setting himself up for major health consequences. :-(
  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
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    I understand. It wasn't till I got into my 30s and both my husband and daughter had heart ops that I began to appreciate what my grandma meant by 'you have nothing if you don't have your health'. Best of luck.
  • shelbyfrootcake
    shelbyfrootcake Posts: 965 Member
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    I was living in a similar situation. I tried being subtle. It didn't work. I tried being harsh. It didn't work. I tried begging, bargaining and even trying to sneak him healthier food. It didn't work. Finally one day we were laying in bed and I just looked him in the eye and laid it out as it was. I love him and want to spend a long life with him, I want us to be able to do things and enjoy that life together. I'm not just being a nag or trying to change him, I was just trying to ensure that we could live our lives together. It worked. He still eats tat and he's surgically attached to the Xbox, but the drink has been cut down, the smoking has stopped, he's willing to try my healthier meals now, eats less tat than before, seems to be more conscious of portion sizes and didn't complain when I got rid of the car to make us walk more.

    EDIT: My partner is 31.
  • AmandaTWaH
    AmandaTWaH Posts: 181 Member
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    My fiancée used to be the same besides the smoking. About a month before his 24th birthday he landed himself in the hospital. Diabetic ketoacidosis. He is a diabetic now, insulin dependent. It took that to get him to snap out of it and start changing his life.

    The best thing you can do is sit him down. Don't make him work on everything at once, but pick one. Maybe it is the smoking, maybe it is something small like getting him to go on a 20 minute walk with you each day. Pick something small.

    I know with my fiancée I struggled a lot even after he got diabetes because it was hard for him to change his lifestyle. We started with one 15 minute walk together each day where we would talk about our days. Now we go for a one mile walk 3 times a day. When it comes to meals, we still bump heads from time to time but we worked on small things like cutting down on bread and then switching out junk snack foods for healthier alternatives.
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member
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    I'm worried about him too. His fiancee seems to believe that complaining about him on a public forum is a better idea than simply talking to him, and that you'll magically die by 30 from eating junk food.
  • HotMummyMission
    HotMummyMission Posts: 1,723 Member
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    I am really worried about my fiance'. He leads an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. His resting heart rate is 95-100, he smokes 2 packs a day, he drinks energy drinks, and he sits around playing xbox and sleeping. He has no physical activity at all. He's 24, so he thinks that it's fine that he does this, that nothing bad can happen. He quit drinking two years ago, but that's because I gave him an ultimatum. I really don't want to give him an ultimatum again but I don't want to be a widow by the time he's 30. I am really concerned. He eats like a 5 year old on a binge (flamin hot funyns, cheetos, pizza, mcdonalds, a whole box of granola bars in one sitting, candy, etc.) he carries all his excess weight in his stomach. He's 5'3" and weighs 180. I know 180 isn't a lot but all these other factors going for him are going to cause him a lot of grief in the long run. I work on a cardiac unit of a hospital and I know how dangerous everything he does, added up, can do. I just want to know a good way to talk to him without him thinking that I'm being a jerk or trying to say he's fat/unattractive to me. I love him, I just don't want him to die...

    and please, no comments about "how can you be with someone who sits around and plays xbox all day?" because I just want answers to the question I posted, not about my relationship.
    my partner is the same he eats soooooooooooo much but he weighs about 9 stone he eats like a baby wich is so hard for me and he smokes lodes :( x
  • AmandaTWaH
    AmandaTWaH Posts: 181 Member
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    I'm worried about him too. His fiancee seems to believe that complaining about him on a public forum is a better idea than simply talking to him, and that you'll magically die by 30 from eating junk food.

    Well, she obviously already talked to him. I would be worried about his health too.

    I'll never understand why so many people on this forum would rather jump on people than offer up helpful advice.
  • Goonygugu
    Goonygugu Posts: 114
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    Does he work? Maybe have a chat to him and come to a compromise... agree that if he allows you to pack him a healthy lunch and that is all he eats during the week then he can have all the "bad stuff" over the weekends...

    or get him to come fetch you from work and then "work" a few minutes extra so he has to wait and maybe he will see the patients in the ward and it will give you something to talk about on the way home and you can tell him about how his current lifestyle choices could end up with him being in the ward as well....

    Not easy - when guys are young they tend to think they are "bullet proof" and it can all be fixed later...

    Hope you get him to see some sense. Good luck
  • ladypenel
    ladypenel Posts: 88 Member
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    I'm worried about him too. His fiancee seems to believe that complaining about him on a public forum is a better idea than simply talking to him, and that you'll magically die by 30 from eating junk food.

    Well, she obviously already talked to him. I would be worried about his health too.

    I'll never understand why so many people on this forum would rather jump on people than offer up helpful advice.
    :drinker:
  • bethygirlie
    bethygirlie Posts: 311 Member
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    I'm worried about him too. His fiancee seems to believe that complaining about him on a public forum is a better idea than simply talking to him, and that you'll magically die by 30 from eating junk food.

    wow really? I have talked to him I just wanted advice on better points to bring up. I didn't say he was going to die, I think it's a possibility. Is it really necessary to be rude?
  • cgarand
    cgarand Posts: 541 Member
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    Before I answer, can I just say WOW, You have totally transformed yourself. Way to go! Now, that must make it even harder to see him living an unhealthy lifestyle considering how far you have come. But, you can't do it for him. Just keep being a good example, feed him healthy food and hopefully he will join you in working out. I hope that he decides to make a change before he finds out the hard way what those unhealthy choices have in store for him.
  • leilaphoenix
    leilaphoenix Posts: 839 Member
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    It is his life. You have to let him live it the way he sees fit (no pun intended). If you haven't inspired him so far in your (amazing!) weight loss then it seems unlikely that he is going to change...
  • TonkaDanteFriend
    TonkaDanteFriend Posts: 70 Member
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    I would try a combination of scaring and caring. 24 is not too young to do irreversible damage to your body and there are plenty of articles and personal stories to prove it.
  • leilaphoenix
    leilaphoenix Posts: 839 Member
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    Also have you asked yourself why he leads the unhealthy lifestyle he does? Is it just bad habits? Is it because he doesn't care about his future?
  • bethygirlie
    bethygirlie Posts: 311 Member
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    Also have you asked yourself why he leads the unhealthy lifestyle he does? Is it just bad habits? Is it because he doesn't care about his future?

    It's a combination of bad habits and the fact that he lives his life by what makes him happy. and he lives it how he wants. I can understand the "you can die any minute, live your life how you want" but Idk. I think I'll just let him live his own lessons. You can lead a horse to water....
  • BelindaDuvessa
    BelindaDuvessa Posts: 1,014 Member
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    I was very frank with my husband when I told him he needed to lose weight. But we have a very open, no sugar coating anything type relationship. I'm not very good at being subtle. My husband has alot of the same problems yours does, as well as having asthma on top of it. Thankfully, his smoking habit isn't nearly as bad, and he's finally decided to quit. But sometimes it's easier to tell men exactly "how the cow ate the cabbage". Maybe not tell him that you find him unattractive, but definitely tell him that you are worried about his health and you're worried that some of his habits will land him in the hospital.

    And to all the *kitten* complaining that she came to a public forum....Sometimes getting advice from people not "in the circle" can provide enlightening suggestions on a topic. She did come asking for advice, not just complaining. She obviously does care about him, or she wouldn't be trying to find a way to bring the subject up.
  • Tatiyanya
    Tatiyanya Posts: 255 Member
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    I know it's bit lame suggestion but appeal to his gamer thing, maybe some wii fit?
    For my significant otter I appealed to his national thing of pride with "ohohoho, i hope i wont get more muscular than you". Suddenly he is sneakly training a bit cos his woman will not be stronger than him.

    Find a way , and you know him best , that will motivate him , but without humiliating him.

    Also, I'm a gamer myself and f.e Assassins Creed games motivated me to work out cos that level of parkour represented there was ambitious and i wanted to be able to do just the basics.

    PS.
    Being just 24 is not an excuse really. I started geting bad habbits and world of warcrafting when i was 22 and if not the fact that I was happy UP TO WAKE UP POINT I probably could have spoted my weight gain faster and could've come to what was the reason behind it (NO, not world of warcraft :P) much faster than in 2011.

    Age is just a number that might shift into "number of wasted years".

    I wish you and your partner the best and hope you will find a solution that will keep him healthy AND happy :)

    Edit: I seriously can't type...
  • chardi7
    chardi7 Posts: 42 Member
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    That is a tough situation to be in. Something has to click inside your fiancé to light the fire and get him motivated. He will have a much greater chance of success if he comes to the realization that he needs to change. It is not as likely that he will stick with it if he is shamed, forced, given an ultimatum, etc. I am not saying that those was won’t ever work...just that they are less effective. Give him some motivation to achieve healthy goals, such as 20lbs lost = a new video game...not that those really establish the "fire within" all the time either...but you have to start somewhere. I agree that one of the best things you can do and that you have total control over is that of being an example. We really can’t force anyone to do anything with guaranteed success...but we have total and absolute control over our workouts and what we stick in our mouths. I hope the situation will improve...healthy is better and wayyyy more fun. Good Luck!

    Chris
  • Restybaby2012
    Restybaby2012 Posts: 568 Member
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    Bethy........your fiance' sounds EXACTLY like my Fiance' with one exception...........your guy is 24.........mine is 54 :sad:

    Its not funny and your guy IS going to regret it. I can see the change in my fiance' in the years we've been together (11) Ive seen his pain double.......his MS has gotten worse and he's gained a lot of weight. I talk to him about it, he professes to listen and wants to change, he even signed up here with me. He swears he's logging etc and then I go out in the kitchen after work to see a full pan of huge thick chewy chocolate brownies. By bedtime it's half gone and I havent touched one.

    :noway: :indifferent:

    I dont know the answer Bethy........I wish I did........but you arent alone
    '

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