Should I wait?
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#1 is confusing... Why aren't you allowed to defend yourself sounds like mind games, he is the one who isn't committed enough. In the nicest way possible... Your getting older and can't wait around forever. For me the kids vs no kids scenario is probably the biggest deal breaker in a relationship. Certainly not something you can compromise on, as it'll only cause resentment.. Sounds like he has big issues.
I would have said counselling, but with the kids issue and you wanting one, I doubt this relationship is right for you... You know him best. You have to make your own mind up...
I should listen to a lot of my own a advice! Lol.
Zara x0 -
Sounds like he knows a lot about what he DOESN'T want, and very little about what he DOES want.
If he thinks that the difference between 5 years and 7 years will mean he has his life figured out, he's not only lying to you, he's lying to himself.
This guy might be really nice to you and great in many ways. For a woman who is almost 40, he's a bad investment and if you give him 7 years of your life, you'll regret it when your life is no further along than it is now.0 -
I would normally say that time could change his mind about kids. I dated a man after my divorce that had never wanted kids. After spending time with my kids, he realized that it was really a subconcious fear of being a bad father. When he realized that he was great with kids, his mindset changed. We actually broke up in the end because he decided he wanted kids (and I can't have any).
HOWEVER, your boyfriend sounds very controlling in his behavior, in that everything has to go according to his timeline, the way he treats your feelings and his way or the highway. I would say it's time to go. There are better fish in the sea.0 -
I read a lot big things that say you aren't a 'great match' for each other. If you want marriage and kids...he doesn't, that's big. If he says there are communication problems, then maybe there is more he hasn't said or he feels that you haven't heard what he is saying. In the end YOU have to decide what will make you happy and what things YOU can live with.0
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I should listen to a lot of my own a advice! Lol.
Zara x
lol, I probably should, too....0 -
Don't ever give up on what you want for another human being because in the end, you will regret it. That's with anything, a career, a child, a dream. So many marriages don't work out today because we settle and hope that we can convince or change the person into being or wanting what it is we want. If a person respects you enough to be up front and tell you their expections and want you to respect it, Why in the heck shouldn't you have your expections in the relationship respected. Him not wanting a child and you wanting a child is a HUGE issue!!0
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I agree with everyone else... This is a no-brainer. If you are asking US, you probably already KNOW what you need to do, and are just looking for that last push in the right direction.0
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He said he never wants kids. You do. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.
This. Sorry.0 -
I am 30 and divorced. I didn't think I would want to marry again, but I met someone that is a great match and can see it, even though I am still mildly terrified of marriage.
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
I can't see your profile......I need to see pictures of you before advising whether to wait or settle (i mean marry).0 -
Just break up.0
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My best friend told her, then boy friend, she NEVER wanted kids. Period. End of sentence. He figured she'd change her mind in a few years. Well, 13 years later. . no babies, but one somewhat bitter dude.
If he can't commit within 5 years.. . .move on. (I was divorced at 31, remarried to someone I'd met after my divorce by 32 and we're crazy happy.)
If he doesn't want kids. . .believe him. If you do. . .move on.
Harsh, but true. You don't want to be 40, childless, and unmarried to a dude who decides he needs another 5 or 10 years to commit.0 -
I agree with most. You said he's a match but I think if you retread what you posted you would see that that doesn't sound like a match. I don't think 5 years as to short of a time either. I don't think it's too long either but definitely not to short. Its hard to forget about all the good stuff and it's scary for some people to be alone but you are only 30. It's time to start new with a real match
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You really need to decide of the kid thing is a sticking point. For me, it was. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I wanted a family. My husband didn't. I told him that if there's one thing that will break us up, it's this. I am having kids, whether its with him or someone else. We now have 2 beautiful children and he's the BEST father in the world!
But if you're waffling on the idea, he might be good for you. You need to reach down deep and decide what you REALLY want and don't waver. If he REALLY loves you that much, he'll at least consider your feelings on the subject.0 -
I'd have to say that after reading the original post here that the answer is in the question. If you have to ask... you should probably move on and let Mr. My-Way-or-the-Highway find someone else to manipulate into giving him exactly what he wants. Don't let your divorce define you. I'm 30 years old and married for the 2nd time so I can say from experience that there are an awful lot of guys out there that really want you to believe that you're damaged goods for being divorced already when the truth is that life just isn't that cut and dry and you're probably divorced at a young age for a good reason.0
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The kids issues is enough, but what really raised red flags for me is that he won't let you respond to what he says without turning it back on you to say you "are not committed enough."
False. That's a classic example of "crazymaking" behavior, which confuses you and makes you feel defensive, instead of allowing you to speak your mind. It's a form of abuse, and can't be taken lightly because it eventually makes you doubt your own mind.
He is right about one thing, you have communication issues: he won't let you communicate. Sounds a lot like an ex of mine, and let me tell you that was NOT a good partnership. He sounds extremely controlling.
Don't let him guilt you into waiting. If he doesn't marry you and he doesn't marry anyone else, that is NOT your fault. You can only be responsible for your happiness. If your happiness includes marriage, a child, and a partner who listens to you, move on.0 -
Relationships are tough. I went through a similar situation. However, as much as it stinks, nobody can make that decision except you. You are the only person who is close enough to the situation to know exactly what you are going through and what you should do. Most likely, you've already made up your mind and are simply looking to others for support. Maybe you don't need to ask a question, just tell your tale...0
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I would never date someone for 5 years and still not be married.. he's never going to commit. Confirmed Bachelor. Move on.0
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If you want a child, this will not change, and you WILL regret it if you don't pursue that dream. I know where I speak of, I didn't have children until I was 39 and 41. And it is the best part of my life. Really guys like that are a dime a dozen. He is whacked and all over the board. Do yourself a favor and don't compromise on this, you will regret it in a way that will leave a hole in your heart forever.
And you don't have to be married to have children...personally I wish I had visited a sperm bank. The kids were and are worth it, the husband never was... <==== happily divorced and staying that way.
The guy sounds like a controlling *kitten* to me. Sorry to be rude, but he does.0 -
YAAAAAAAY!!!! \m/Just break up.0 -
you'd be surprised at what a few rounds of "rock paper scissors" can solve.
or maybe get a dog?0
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