How to handle it all :(

I think it's time to sit down and have a "coming to jesus" talk.

Try and find a way to communicate that your needs are changing in a way he won't be defensive.
Here are some wordings that might help
"I need help from you" guys like to be spoiled, but they also like to feel wanted and needed.
As apposed to
"You need to step up, I've spoiled you/you're lazy"

"I love you, I love our kids. We need to eat better for the sake of our health. We don't need to eat like saints, but some things need to change" "not every food, and not every day, but we do need to improve our habits"
As apposed to
"You want to eat like a slob and I'm fed up with it"

"How can we solve this"
"what things do you think We can do so We, as a household can work better." Take a team approach to this.
"what is important to YOU. and where can we compromise" make him feel that his opinion is also important.

As apposed to
laying down the law and giving him "chores" and when he has to "babysit" don't ever use the word babysit or allow him to use the word babysit.

A small list, no more than 5.
These are things that I need.
"I need more than 1/2 an hour by myself, especially to shower alone."
If possible; "I think sharing shuttling the kids around can help aleviate a lot of the stress I feel."
"perhaps hiring a babysitter once a week, we can spend some alone time together"

Start with just a few topics. I suggest dinner, compromise with alone time, and how to find solutions.

Here is a trick to getting him to do more of his fair share.
Thank him for what he is compromising on and have the best sex you can.
Next time you two talk, he'll probably compromise more.

If all else fails, cry.
The next day, have a casserole in the oven, with the timer.
Table set. "Honey, the casserole is in the over with the timer goes off. Table is set, I have to run out, I'll be back later. Mkes sure X child does _____, indicating you'll be awhile. be it homework, take a break, whatever.
Bribe the kids to behave. (I normally don't believe in bribery) and just go. seriously.

Also, start stream lining some meals here and there. on a weekend, make some meals you like that can be prepared ahead of time, and some meals he likes that you can prep ahead of time. cut out any meal that takes over 45 minutes to prep.

too much change at one time can be difficult.

Mexican food can be healthy.
I make enchiladas that come in at less than 400 cals and I skip on the rice and corn.
ground chicken or small diced chicken breast sauteed in taco sauce make much healthier tacos than 80/20 ground beef.
a black bean taco salad is healthy.
A bean burrito is healthy.

You'll need to have this talk at least 3 times. try and arrange to have great sex after if he is cooperative. Guys respond to sex.

Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.

The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.

It is my fault for allowing him to become so dependant but now its a fight just to let me shower alone because he's so use to me taking the kids a shower at the same time.....I get about 30 minutes of alone time a day and thats when i have lunch at work......I do believe he needs to be trained I just do not have the energy to work with the situation....

You can't shower by yourself? My love, that is insane. How long can you possibly keep up this pace before you crack? Our minds and bodies are only so resilient. And I'm talking to myself here too -- I can never seem to 'find time' to work out - always caring for others. But whose going to take care of US? Think airplane safety: put on your own mask before helping anyone else. If we're not in good shape - we're not able to care for our families.

I've seen cheap treadmills and gym equipment at garage sales and craigslist or video workouts -- maybe not having to leave the house could work?

My thoughts and prayers are with you. XOXO

Unfortunately you have to TELL them (in a nice way of course) what you're going to do. I will say for instance "Honey, I'm going to start dinner. Can you empty the dishwasher?" Or, "I'm going to put the baby down the bed, then work out, will you be ok w/ the other kids?" If you don't say what you want, they aren't going to know. The first year of having our 1st child together child (my 2nd) was hell. I was ready to KILL him, because he just sat back and let me do it all. I realized, after blowing up of course, that all I had to do was ask or tell him what was needed. If you're doing it all, they're going to assume you CAN and WANT to do it all. Not saying they're dense but...well they can be. Good luck, hon!

This^^^

Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.

:noway:

Men are not dogs to be trained. I think I'm offended on behalf of every man I know. When will women/society stop thinking this way?

Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.

The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.

It is my fault for allowing him to become so dependant but now its a fight just to let me shower alone because he's so use to me taking the kids a shower at the same time.....I get about 30 minutes of alone time a day and thats when i have lunch at work......I do believe he needs to be trained I just do not have the energy to work with the situation....

I havent' read the entire thread- and I'm not going to tell you how to live your life... but if ytou've got 30 mins to yourself at lunch- I don't care where you work, put some trainers on and do a 2 mile power walk. You can eat your lunch whilst you walk or at your desk (depending on your job). 10 miles walking a week (plus play out with your kids at the weeken) will get you in the right frame of mind and will burn some calories!

Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.

:noway:

Men are not dogs to be trained. I think I'm offended on behalf of every man I know. When will women/society stop thinking this way?

Just need to brielfly +1 this! Women do not deserve "rights" if we can't treat men without this kind of attitude. Stooping to "their" level fixes nothing.

I find the phrase 'train your husband' incredibly offensive. If I said I had to 'train my wife' people would lose their minds. You're both adults. So act like one and have a conversation. Tell him what you need from him. Marriage is a 2 way street, and the support you give should be equal to the support you get.

So do I.

If you need something from him you need to ask. I spoil my boyfriend because -I- want to so yes he has gotten a little used to it but I don't mind it. If I need him to do something all I normally have to do is ask. If you have started out the relationship where you have been doing everything it will take him a while to get used to the 'new' order of things and realize that you need help now.

He is not lazy or an insensitive jerk..Most guys are wired a little differently so you need to actually "talk" to them as opposed to sending indirect signals..crying..playing silly games..expecting them to just 'know' that the rules have changed.

You need to decide enough is enough and do what is necessary for things to change.

You can't change a person, but you can change your own behavior to cause change in others.

Tell your husband what is not working and why--and propose a solution. Men like to be problem solvers, so you both need to sit down and come to an agreement. Not a compromise--because two parties lose in a compromise, but an agreement where both parties gain.

If you can't come to an agreement, then set your own boundaries and enforce them.

I can understand!
I have a big, young, busy family, too.
I wonder if you could begin to make some small changes, like...begin to encourage your family toward an earlier bedtime, so that you can be in bed earlier.
Or, begin to think about a few small changes that are achievable that you could focus on over the next week.
Make improvements, instead of big huge changes.
It is so encouraging to make progress...and small changes really do add up!
Improve your habits and patterns.
Don't get frustrated with your family...they are not in the way so to speak.
I know your creative mind will go to work on this.

Lots of great advice here. We don't have to train our husbands - but men don't read our minds. They simply need to be asked. We put our own ridiculous pressure on ourselves by being afraid to ask for help or afraid to take time to ourselves. Do you think men agonize over going to the gym? Nope. Read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." Basically, my husband has always been happy to do for me when I ask. My previous husband did not help but I never asked so no wonder I had to do it all. You'd be amazed at how well men communicate once you actually express your needs!