Can you do something for me?

This is fairly long but I appreciate taking your time to read this. It’s a metaphorical story I wrote based on true feelings, and a little message sent your way. I’m only one voice in a million and I’m not sure what made me write this but it means a lot for you to read this I’m a bit nervous to post this, it’s in some ways personal and I’ve never posted a topic before.
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When her stomach rumbled, she distracted herself by logging on to the net. Fleeting images of perfect body shapes blurred her vision, causing a range of swirling emotions. When motivation kicked in, her appetite diminished for the deliciously evil food she craved only a few seconds ago. Hypnotised by the rapid pictures, she took a step back and eyed herself in the mirror with a feeling of self-loathing. Piece by piece, her garments dropped on to the dark maroon Persian carpet in her spotlessly neat room. The flannel pyjama bottoms and fleecy top dropped to her feet, revealing an immature seventeen year old wearing a bra much too big for her. Covering her hideous body, she cursed at the fat reflection in the mirror, spitting out the word “disgusting” as she sobbed desperately, acknowledging her feelings of complete isolation.

“Dinner is ready!” her Mum called out. Yes there were people, but they were oblivious to the deep evil thoughts that crept into her mind, that little voice telling her she’s not good enough, that she is a useless piece of crap. Meal times with her family were one of her worst times. It meant she had to eat in front of everyone. It meant that she had to swallow and pretend to be thankful for the food prepared by her loving mother. It meant she had to wait till they fell asleep so she could race to the bathroom and get rid of all those unwanted calories sitting inside her body, screaming to climb back up.

She carelessly threw on her clothes and scoffed at her reflection once more. She didn’t deserve dinner, she told herself. It was at that very moment that the open window summoned her. The curtains whooshed in the afternoon breeze, drawing her attention to the group of people walking towards that large inspirational fire in the sky, slowly setting into the pitch black rim of the ocean. Irrational jealousy overcame her as she acknowledged their quest. They seemed purposeful, moving fearlessly towards their destiny. Eager to join them, she ran from the house leaving her stupefied family behind in the dark.

All she could see were slim silhouettes moving with determination. Try as she might, she could not seem to catch up with their speedy intent despite their skeletal shapes. She knew she belonged with them. They were nothing but perfection. She broke into a sprint, hoping to connect and be transformed into one of them. “Hello!” she screamed. But they couldn’t hear her. As she drew closer, she noticed they were dressed uniformly in black and she stopped in amazement as she watched them head for the ocean shore. In single file, they slowly marched into the water, ready to be drowned by their pool of thoughts. As the last one disappeared into the inky depths, she noticed a tall faceless man wearing a black cloak beckoning to her.

“Where are they all going?”

She halted in her tracks as the familiarity of the strange man dawned on her. It was the Grim Reaper standing before her, calling her to her Death.

Her mouth opened as she cried in terror but nothing came out. She had lost her voice, her identity. “I don’t want to die!” she whimpered.

Instinctively, she reversed her direction, running as fast as she could, lost in utter darkness and despair. She escaped from the black hole she was heading towards only to arrive in another vacuum. Startled by her lack of direction, she began searching for something, anything, but she didn’t know what to search for. The inspirational fire in the sky was long gone; there was no light to aid her pursuit. Sighing in frustration, the sound of the rumbling thunder echoed her defeat. She simply waited for the deluge.

But it was the sound of her stomach rumbling, and for the first time in ages, she acknowledged her immense hunger. A feeling of self-realisation overcame her as she headed in the direction of her home sweet home, to the reappearing inspirational fire in the sky.
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I originally wrote this story for a creative writing assessment I had to do on the theme “Belonging” (hence it was slightly more dramatic than intended). I decided not to use it as I felt it was too personal to share, but I wanted to let it out somewhere and I decided to share it with you guys. This is only a tiny weeny glimpse of eating disorders, only a little summary of what I’m about to explain.

Can I get you to do a few things for me?
When you start hating on that beautiful reflection of yours, stand in front of the mirror and smile. Be thankful for those gorgeous eyes/hair/body/legs/arms that you are blessed with. Every single person is beautiful, and I’m not just saying it, I have always seen the beauty in everyone… but myself. Comparing myself to others is something I am very guilty of doing, and it is not acceptable. Sure we can all have role models but the biggest motivation comes from within. You have qualities that others would kill for, and I know that for a fact.

I looked in the mirror today and I saw a beautiful girl staring back at me. No it wasn’t perfect, but there is no such thing as perfection. When those evil thoughts tell me to strive for perfection, they are really telling me to strive for nothingness, only to fall into a deep hole. That perfection does not exist. Life is shaped by your view of things; if you force yourself to view everything in a positive light then your world will be shining. If every little detail is taken negatively, that light will be fused out. But you can change that light bulb and bring back that “inspirational fire”.

Something I touched on in that story was the Grim Reaper, perhaps a bit stupid, I don’t know. What I was trying to get at was, despite my desire to live and embrace life, I wasn’t doing that at all. Deep down I knew it was pure and utter self-destruction. All I had ever wanted was to do really well in high school, I was always topping my classes and everyone knew me as the smart girl, but then my grades started falling and I skipped school consistently. This was all for perfection, what perfection? Crushing my dreams for a false dream that only exists in my head? I have regrets, many regrets. That does not mean it is over. It is never over. There is this one quote I love and I stuck it on my wall:
“Nothing is really over... until the moment you stop trying”. And that is a fact.

So you’re sitting there wishing to turn back time, regretting all those mistakes you have made or all those horrible qualities you believe you have… STOP.
Do me another favour?
Get a piece of paper and write down all the good things you have in life right now, all the good qualities that you have. If you can’t think of anything then you are not thinking hard enough! You are worth it.

That girl in the story had the courage to reverse her direction, change things around. Sure it’s only fictional but many have done it. It’s possible. Recovery is possible. I do believe that my eating disorder is something that will stay with me for a lifetime; it is a part of me. But it is controllable; YOU are in control of your thoughts.

If you feel yourself drowning into your own thoughts, the tides getting higher and higher, teach yourself to swim. Learn to float. Let the waves pass by, let them go. You can do it!

Signed, yours truly

NocturnalGirl

Ps. I’m sorry if this post sucks, I have self-confidence issues and I am nervous about posting this. Hope you like it though!