Any Thoughts before I Kill Her!
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Unfortunately if a child does not have chores and responsibilities from the time they can walk / pick something up then when all of a sudden it's 'expected' it is very hard to do. Our 5 yr old is responsible for setting and clearing the table as well as cleaning his room and picking up his toys. He has learned very early that WE are the parents and what we say goes. WE are not his slaves and until he moves out he is living free so he is required to contribute in some way - he has a great understanding of economics.Did you spoil her and allow her to slack off when she was younger?
At 14 it's going to take some hardcore work.. I would do THIS...Easy, Simply life for her.
Go in and clean...like a BOSS.
If you deem it unnecessary, THROW IT AWAY. Do it while she is at school. Let her come home to Bed, Sheets, 1 Pillow. 8 days of clothing. and anything needed for school. REMOVE EVERYTHING ELSE.
I did it to my daughter at 14. I no longer have issues with this. It;s dramatic, but it simply states...I AM THE PARENT. YOU WILL ABIDE, OR YOU GET NOTHING. Remember to take away ALL technology, as well. she wants to amuse herself, she can write. Reinforce, that when she decides to be an adult that if she doesnt do as she needs, she wont have anything to worry about...including a job.0 -
Work together this weekend to get the house in good condition. Then, she is required to pick up after herself. That's not a slave, that's being responsible. Then, come up with a certain amount of chores that are her responsibility. Maybe make a chart. Stuff you're responsible for, she's responsible for and stuff you'll work on together. Then she'll see she doesn't do ALL the work. Hopefully that will help.
Very nice. I was treated like a personal housekeeper as a kid, and that's putting it nicely. Not only my own mess, but everyone else's. I got in trouble once (don't even recall for what) at 12 yrs old and my punishment was DISHES FOR LIFE, and I was one of six kids! We'd eat, and afterwards everyone just got up and left everything on the table. I had to clear it, put the food up, wash the dishes (by hand), dry them and put them away. Once I left them in the rack to air dry when my Mom was at work, and she pulled my out of bed at 3 am on a school night and screamed at me while I put them up.
Wow, sorry for going off there. My point was, it shouldn't all be on her either. Work together.0 -
teenagers are the most god awful roommates
she needs to do this so when she grows up her man and her boss dont say OMG you are such a disorganized incapable slob!0 -
Oh my gosh - so many of these are such brilliant ideas! I really hope I can somehow drag this thread up from the archives of MFP when I have children and they get old enough to learn some of these things.
You all sound like amazing parents - clever and responsible. Very impressed! And here I thought all children were being brought up little terrors these days.
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I came home to a bathroom with no toilet paper, an open window (it's November!), and an unflushed toilet full of urine.
I feel the pain.0 -
My parents gave us spending money directly proportional to our chores. They literally had a sheet with a price listed for every chore and we both had to sign off on every chore I completed then I could draw against the chore sheet whenever I wanted money. So sometimes I'd go to the huge market with my parents owing me like £50 and be so happy, other times I only had a quid and I felt rotten so helped out more. Whenever I complained they told me to get a job if I thought they were being unfair. The only job I could get was a paperround up hills that only just don't qualify as mountains, and in the winter several of us started getting followed, and I had to wake up super early on a Saturday...I went back to the chore list and never complained about it again. my parents got help, I learned responsability and got spending money.
If you have the patience...^^^^^THIS0 -
As I have recently left my teenage years but have younger siblings, I can throw in a different perspective for y'all (in saying that, I have yet to read all the posts).
I definitely don't/didn't mind doing jobs if I knew I was part of a team. What I hated was being asked to do chores when I knew my siblings/parents didn't do as many as I did (and being VERY tidy, a lot of my often over the top efforts to keep the house tidy went unnoticed so I thought I was doing more than others and nobody knew
) But when I knew my siblings also had to do dishes/vacuum, mow lawns, I was ok about being asked to do them. It sounds like your daughter definitely doesn't appreciate all you do for her! When I randomly asked my mum what she did every day, besides work, I was amazed at the hours she put into chores that went unnoticed by everyone else! It definitely made me do more and encourage my younger siblings to do more.
Rosters work well and are fair - fairness weighs a lot in a 14 year olds mind!
And praise her when she does do her chores! Even if she should be cleaning up after herself anyway, it still makes it easier to do something the next time if you know your efforts aren't going unnoticed.
And as for the attitude... I was definitely one of those kids at times as well. I can't believe the NERVE I had sometimes when I spoke to my parents. Ugh. Makes me very disappointed in myself! What changed that was seeing my mum tired/upset/stressed because of it. Then I felt awful, and did chores. My dad, on the other hand, would fight back, which made the whole situation worse because the fight was being egged on. Girls are empathetic creatures, pull the sympathy card - and you definitely deserve to, working two jobs! And her response will probably be more willing.
Good luck
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no advice, sorry, but that sounds like me and I'm an only child..... I simply didn't want to it and had to be told sometimes repeatly. I could give you a list of reasons why but that pretty much sums it up. plus, the things you mentioned (working, wanting help around the house, ect) doesn't come to mind....I just figure someone will get to it eventually and I hate cleaning and only did it when i had to, like when I'm hungry and there aren't any more silverware or plates/bowls to use then I will pitch in....orrrrr just wash what i need and leave the rest. I didn't know how difficult it is for the parent's or whoever. not too long afterward I got tired of being yelled at so I cleaned (truthfully on weekdays I only had to straighten up and keep dishes cleaned) before she got home...or soon as the car pulled up.
ETA: good lord, now reading this, it sounds horrible.0 -
I have no kids but there is something I have come to realize lately. I just recently thanked my parents for making me do chores growing up. My boyfriend and I live together and we are both 25. It is rediculous that i have to clean up after him all the time. His only chore is the dishes and I have to get on him all the time to get them done or they don't get done. I do laundry, sweep, mop, and clean the bathroom on top of the regular pick things up, take out trash, etc.
About 2 months ago I had told my boyfriend we needed to clean the house before company came over. So we did everything together. We go into the bathroom and he just stands there and stares at the sink. I asked him what was wrong and come to find out he had no idea how to even begin to clean a bathroom!!! 25 years old and he had NEVER cleaned a bathroom in his life! I had to teach him!!! I was so shocked!!!
I complained about chores growing up, but like a lot of people said, give her a few at a time. She'll come around!!!0 -
My son will be 14 on Saturday...and he is the only child. We only ask him to take out the trash...they way I look at it is...they should have chores....but he's only going to be a kid once and I hated chores so if it doesn't happen we let it slide....I may pay for it later...but wow did I not like chores....so I don't mind if he doesn't do the trash.........
Beware this kind of attitude...I married a man who's mother didn't make him do a single thing as he was growing up and it is hard to get him to do anything now with out a ton of nagging and b*tching. Granted he has gotten A LOT better over the years but there was a lot of fighting and me going on laundry/cooking strikes to get my point across. You're not doing your kid any favors by letting him slide through life like that.
This is exactly what I was talking about!!! I even asked my boyfriend's mom if she made him do chores and she said no! I just stared in utter disbelief! So now it is a fighting battle causing unnecessary stress on a relationship because he is used to someone else always doing everything for him! He is better about it now, and now that I know he didn't have to do chores as a kid I'm easing him into them. I have given him dishes only for now, later I will add in the floors or whatever so one day it's not just me cleaning!0 -
Personally... She is a kid, she will complain, but who cares. You put food on the table, you are her parent, chores are part of life.
I have been the one to do all the chores in my family since I was about 13.That is because I love my mother very much, no matter how much we may ever fight. She fought to give me life and the best she could provide, the least I can do, is some chores.
BTW, I do not believe in giving children or teens money for chores. They are a part of life. If your kid wants money for doing work around the house, charge them room and board and see how long that lasts. They'll change their mind and straighten up pretty quick.0 -
lol that is def my daughter if I don't say anything the dishes will sit or she will just wash out something for her to use so she can eat! I plan on sitting down with her this weekend and we will come up with a solution together.no advice, sorry, but that sounds like me and I'm an only child..... I simply didn't want to it and had to be told sometimes repeatly. I could give you a list of reasons why but that pretty much sums it up. plus, the things you mentioned (working, wanting help around the house, ect) doesn't come to mind....I just figure someone will get to it eventually and I hate cleaning and only did it when i had to, like when I'm hungry and there aren't any more silverware or plates/bowls to use then I will pitch in....orrrrr just wash what i need and leave the rest. I didn't know how difficult it is for the parent's or whoever. not too long afterward I got tired of being yelled at so I cleaned (truthfully on weekdays I only had to straighten up and keep dishes cleaned) before she got home...or soon as the car pulled up.
ETA: good lord, now reading this, it sounds horrible.0 -
I was a ***** when I was 14, thats the way teenage girls are. And we tend to be a bit dramatic, you should know this! Don't feel bad for asking her to do chores, it's not like she is cinderella and she is cleaning her life away.
Also, my parents didn't believe in allowance, now that i am older i understand why. Kids shouldn't only help out because they know they will get paid. That doesn't teach them anything, except that they should be rewarded anytime they help out, which is NOT the case.0 -
Personally... She is a kid, she will complain, but who cares. You put food on the table, you are her parent, chores are part of life.
I have been the one to do all the chores in my family since I was about 13.That is because I love my mother very much, no matter how much we may ever fight. She fought to give me life and the best she could provide, the least I can do, is some chores.
BTW, I do not believe in giving children or teens money for chores. They are a part of life. If your kid wants money for doing work around the house, charge them room and board and see how long that lasts. They'll change their mind and straighten up pretty quick.
THIS!!!!!0 -
My dad did this. Just picked up my things and threw them away once... and I heavily resent him for it to this day. Of course, that's not all I resent him for, but it only takes a few key moments like this that really stick out in a kid's mind to make someone resent their parent forever, possibly. Be careful with a kid's trust. I'm not saying not to set rules, boundaries and limitations, but things of this nature can be really hurtful to some of the more tenderhearted kids out there, and can really break someone who is just doing what kids do - which is to say, testing their limits.Murder is never the answer.
With that said, we clean the house as a family on Sunday.
After that, there is a very simple rule:
If you mess it up, you clean it up.
This was not popular until I started to throw away the "mess".
Shoes, toys, dishes. I came in with the big garbage can from outside and every mess went in the trash.
Things got better from there.0 -
ahhhhhh....gotta love those teens. We have a 14yr old boy who would rather clip his toenails in his bedroom and NOT clean them up. We stay on him about his mess but, I guess I would rather have him show good hygiene and be messy than NO good hygiene and messy. lol0
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Don't worry I don't plan on killing my 14 yr old anytime soon! I just need some advice, My daughter is the only child and since I grew up with siblings it's hard to relate with her at times.
The problem is this I work 2 jobs and when I come home to a house that looks a mess I get upset. Then I have to hear her complain that she feels like a slave if i ask her to straighten up. When I was growing up it was more then just me so I always had help with chores, I don't want everything to be on her but something has to give any advice out there?
I have a 14 year old (and 3 others), and I can confirm that teens are LAZY and all about themselves. Point out that it's fine if she doesn't want to clean up, because you don't feel like driving her or letting her go anywhere either.0 -
I asked because I was not an only child and rasing one child to many is a big diffrence to me. I just wanted to make sure I was being fair in what I asked of her because like most of my friends chores are split up with all of them not just one single person. I honestly didnt know which way to go thats why i asked.A. I fail to see what her being an only child has to do with anything.
B. Congratulations, you're raising a teenager.
there are fewer things to do! less laundry, fewer dishes, less trash to take out, fewer beds to make, etc.0 -
.....i have 3 teenage girls.... (and a 5yr. old girl).....
never once a thought of 'killing' although i realize you are just frustrated and not serious.
she should have a clear list of chores...nothing over the top, just straightforward chores. and she should get rewarded for doing them (i.e. an allowance -- decent one/incentive). if she neglects her chores, she doesn't get her allowance.
thats pretty much the only way it works for my girls.
good luck.0 -
Personally... She is a kid, she will complain, but who cares. You put food on the table, you are her parent, chores are part of life.
I have been the one to do all the chores in my family since I was about 13.That is because I love my mother very much, no matter how much we may ever fight. She fought to give me life and the best she could provide, the least I can do, is some chores.
BTW, I do not believe in giving children or teens money for chores. They are a part of life. If your kid wants money for doing work around the house, charge them room and board and see how long that lasts. They'll change their mind and straighten up pretty quick.
THIS!!!!!
x2. I tell my kids they get to live in my house rent-free, the least they can do is do their chores. They take it in stride and call me the cheapest mom EVA! (We do a LOT of joking around.)
I do NOT pay my kids to do chores or to get good grades. I will pay them for "extra" chores - which would be like, digging up sprinklers or clearing out the garage - stuff that is outside of their normal chores.
But seriously, when my son was getting lippy with me (he was 14 - he's 17 now), I gave him extra chores EVERY TIME he got lippy. One particular day he was just off the chain mouthing off, disrespectful, etc....every time he mouthed off - he got something new to do. And of course, eventually I ran out of chores for him. What to do?
Soooo....I sent him to my neighbor's house (he was laid up from back problems) and had him mow my neighbor's lawn. I've had minimal issues with him.
Now that he's getting closer to 18, I had him sign a behavior contract. When he is in college, guess what - we'll update the contract.
I think it's important (as a parent) to teach our children how the real world operates, what behavior is acceptable/unacceptable.
My son has friends that do not know how to wash their own clothes. When he went to camp with the ROTC cadets, he was one of a handful that knew how to operate the dang washing machine. Ai!
Anyhow, good luck with your teen, it's defintely not easy!0
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