Who initiates in your house??

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  • stevepierson
    stevepierson Posts: 119
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    The norm in my relationship is that I always have to initiate, I also feel unwanted and undesired. Probably goes months inbetween, because i'm tired,
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    I don't think I would cope in the sexless marriages a lot of you seem to be enduring. It's a very key part of the relationship for me. To be jumped on by your better half is one of the best feelings in the world and I imagine having to beg for it is probably one of the worst :frown: I know my self-esteem would be decimated if my partner no longer seemed sexually attracted to me.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
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    My ex husband *never* initiated. It was me every. single. time.

    And even though the benefits (for me) were pathetic, I initiated several times a week anyway.

    if the benefits were "better" maybe you wouldn't have to keep going back for more.

    we both initiate .. he picks odd times like if I am walking up the stairs, we have guests over .. I am scrubbing a toilet , doing the dishes. pulling something outta the oven.. carrying groceries,

    I plan my attack.. and go about it differently .. I am far more adventurous .. hahah maybe to him, i pick odd times to initiate it..as well.. hahha..

    overall I would say about 60-40.. him to me ratio..
  • CassieReannan
    CassieReannan Posts: 1,479 Member
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    Been together 2 1/2 years here. Early on, it used to always be him. Now its a role reversal and its always me!
    Because we are LDR, its even harder.
  • SofaKingRad
    SofaKingRad Posts: 1,592 Member
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    My sister. Known her my whole life but she initiates all the time. I keep yelling at her tha ma and pa are going to hear us!
  • SMJ1987
    SMJ1987 Posts: 368
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    Me, sadly. It could be because I'm ten years younger though...maybe?
  • Hickyvikki69
    Hickyvikki69 Posts: 371 Member
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    i really dunno who wants it more and who asks for it. i been married 9yrs. and it kinda to the point of 1-2 times a week if that...
  • DrBorkBork
    DrBorkBork Posts: 4,099 Member
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    10 & 1/2 years here, we get busy once a week, twice if we're lucky. I have 0 libido, and intimacy is more of a chore. Hubby initiates 99% of the time, but he says he's happy as long as I'm willing, and I am most of the time. It's just not something I enjoy, and it's through no fault of his own either.
  • Linbo93
    Linbo93 Posts: 229 Member
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    I think he has lost perspective. He initiates and gets some 4-5 times a week, and that's bad? Seriously? There are so many guys out there who initiate 4-5 times a week and get shot down 4-5 times a week!

    If you're looking for ways to work with him and initiate more, maybe you could make a plan of attack? If I were in that situation, I'd probably set a goal for myself to initiate 2 times a week to start with, and see where that goes? At some point, you might get more used to initiating it and you wouldn't have to think about it so much?

    I also think the others here are on to something. It sounds like there is something deeper going on here, and this is how it is manifesting itself. Good luck!
  • MissC787
    MissC787 Posts: 175 Member
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    ....Only to be turned down by my husband who was always to tired from doing construction out in the hot sun. Walking up and down hills, ladders, and carrying materials/tools all day....

    No excuse. If my arms didnt work, I'd figure out a way to attach a rope to the ceiling fan and wrap it around my armpits to keep me in the right position.

    You think till your to tired to lift the rope to the ceiling...lol
  • markm460
    markm460 Posts: 6
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    Wow after 16 years hes a lucky guy, I mean having you and then 4 or 5 times a week....Weve been married 23 years, my wife doesnt really initiate as much any more.....but twice a week is a good week....
  • DominiqueSmall
    DominiqueSmall Posts: 495 Member
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    Initiating is easy

    -Get naked, lay in bed and cover up like nothing and when he slips in bed he's be pleasantly surprised to see you without your pj's! I did this 2 nights ago, but with thigh-high stockings on and nothing else. :devil:

    -Make a kiss last, and make it spread from his nouth to his neck to his chest.... and so on...

    -Just tell him what you want him to do to you OR what you want to do to him. :wink:

    exactly. And in the day of texting and cameras.... you can always be pretty passive and send him a boob pic. Even just a pic of the bed. Its pretty easy to get things moving ;)
    I havent read everything but I can tell you that theres obviously more to the OPs story than she is saying and maybe realizing. If hes threatening to walk out - you have to decide if you want him to and if you dont then you should put some effort forth in making sure he doesnt. Besides, the more you initiate, the more youll probably like the results and keep doing it. win win

    OH MY GOD! OUCH!
  • DominiqueSmall
    DominiqueSmall Posts: 495 Member
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    I'm not married but if I were, I would want us both to go for it. I have a very high sex drive so I would be happy with daily!
  • DominiqueSmall
    DominiqueSmall Posts: 495 Member
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    My ex-gf used to... but apparently it was usually with another guy. :S

    Ouch! That made me tear up. I'm sooooo sorry!
  • bellyake3
    bellyake3 Posts: 135 Member
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    My ex-gf used to... but apparently it was usually with another guy. :S

    Ouch! That made me tear up. I'm sooooo sorry!

    i used to... till hubby found comfort in another woman.
  • Katie3784
    Katie3784 Posts: 543
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    My husband always initiates, and I NEVER say no. I am afraid to initiate because there have been a few times where I have and he is too tired, and I feel rejected. He has never complained about having to initiate. Maybe I should ask him if he minds.
  • Vis_Viva
    Vis_Viva Posts: 17 Member
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    My husband and I just started couples counseling. Yesterday was our second session with the therapist. He kept repeating, "There's nothing wrong with a wife wanting to have sex with her husband."

    I cried.

    We only have sex 2-3 times a year and it always takes a lot of persuasion on my part. I thought things might be a little better when I committed to working toward a smoking hot body. Nope.

    Fingers crossed that the counseling helps.


    And for the record. I used to initiate 99.9% of the time over time. Now, however the calendar and the clock initiate 100% of the time.

    It has evolved that schedules (and a teenager who inherited my night-owl tendency) have basically dictated only certain opportunities. There are basically two options a week (both mornings) which gives us a primary and a back-up if needed. There really isn't much choice so it's either give up spontaneity or give up sex. For me, as a guy, I could care less about spontaneity (worry it bugs my wife though). So nobody REALLY initiates sometimes there is a discussion as to which morning is better.

    There is one additional factor though. She usually wakes up before me. So to me it seemed logical for her to just wake me when she was ready. For a while I got the impression she seemed to dislike doing that (specifically waking me up for sex). I got the impression that it made her feel like she was initiating even though that was only a technicality. I don't think that's something she could be comfortable with.She seems to have gotten over that ( I think it was when I questioned if I was really going to need to go so far as to set an alarm clock for sex) and does wake me but I don't really consider that initiating since we both KNOW when it will be.
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
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    The idea of giving up spontaneity seems unnecessary to me. Aren't the kids every with friends? Or napping if they are young?

    You can't tell me there's never a chance to grab your gf/wife and sit her on the counter and go to town...or if you are a woman that there's never a chance to throw your hubby down on the floor and show him what's up...

    I totally understand busy lives...but even a spontaneous quickie once in awhile can make someone feel great about themselves.
  • dperich1968
    dperich1968 Posts: 235 Member
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    We'll be together for 6 years this Sep and I am by far more aggressive than him. Anytime he's down, I never turn him away (Except for when I was pregnant cause it was creepy)

    He tells me all the time he feels like hes just a piece of man meat :laugh:

    This :laugh:

    I get grumpy if I have to go more than a couple of days. With that said, we have never turned each other down and the initiations are about equal.:love:
  • Captainobvvious
    Captainobvvious Posts: 272 Member
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    We'll be together for 6 years this Sep and I am by far more aggressive than him. Anytime he's down, I never turn him away (Except for when I was pregnant cause it was creepy)

    He tells me all the time he feels like hes just a piece of man meat :laugh:

    This :laugh:

    I get grumpy if I have to go more than a couple of days. With that said, we have never turned each other down and the initiations are about equal.:love:

    I would love for my wife to treat me like a piece of man meat... Unfortunately I am always the initiator and sex is always routine as 1-2-3... Biggest problem in our marriage... I want adventure dammit!

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