Can a marriage survive??

TiffanyW1014
TiffanyW1014 Posts: 599 Member
in Chit-Chat
I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!
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Replies

  • drmerc
    drmerc Posts: 2,603 Member
    cheat on him with another woman
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Do you trust him now? If yes, then of course it can survive. If not, then no, it can't.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
  • Captainobvvious
    Captainobvvious Posts: 272 Member
    The problem is trust... Can you ever really trust him again and can you live with and love someone you don't trust?
  • 31993703
    31993703 Posts: 1,144
    You'll never be able to trust him again unfortunately.
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
    It happens every day and people survive it. Personally, I don't see how. I could never forgive that, regardless of the history. That's the BIGGEST betrayal of trust.
  • DrBorkBork
    DrBorkBork Posts: 4,099 Member
    See if he's willing to reconcile and go to marriage counseling?
  • KellyMirth
    KellyMirth Posts: 153
    It can. My husband and I have some very dear friends where this is the case...she had an affair and they managed to work things out. This was several years ago now and they are probably stronger now than they were before. I think it made them both re-evaluate what they had and prioritize what was important to them. Both people need to be mature adults and both need to want to work it out. Communication is so important in a marriage, especially in this situation. Good luck.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    some people manage to move on from it....marriage counselling helps...

    I've been cheated on....and I couldn't stay....

    however, the ones that cheated on me, never took responsibility, never apologized (you can't apologize for what you don't take responsibility for) and even blamed me for it in a roundabout way....

    I do wonder, if they had had the guts to say, "i did do this, and I'm deeply sorry and I want you in my life" if I could have made it work.

    but having not gone down that path, I can't say i could.
  • ademiter
    ademiter Posts: 176 Member
    It's not just the cheating, but the lying. I don't have any patience for a liar. I have a hard time believing that a marriage can truely bounce back from infidelity. BUT, that's just me. You have to do what you think is right for you.
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    You say you love him. That's a start.

    Now you have to work on things, if you really do love him and want to make this work. Communicate, spend time together, be open and honest and try to just have fun once in a while too.

    Infidelity is rampant, we're not a very monogamous species. The difference between the couples who last and the ones that fall apart is whether or not they're willing to work on things.
  • Chief_Rocka
    Chief_Rocka Posts: 4,710 Member
    Get back together with him, but remind him of it every chance you get.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    I think it depends on you two.

    My ex husband cheated on me and I couldn't get past it. We tried the counseling thing and after about a year even the counselor suggested that we shouldn't be together any longer.

    If you feel that you can learn to trust him again and you can get past it as well as him figuring out WHY he cheated so it doesn't happen again.... sure, keep trying.
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
    You have to look at the possible scenarios.

    Is he likely to cheat again? If so, are you ok with that? If not, will you trust him? If he never cheats again, is it fair to him if you *don't* trust him? Will the knowledge of what he's done be too much? Will you feel the need to cheat in retaliation?

    It might be worth looking into couples counselling to sort through some of this stuff.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    everyone is different. If you can learn to trust again and he can help you get that trust back, then yes. It can survive. If he makes you feel like its your fault it happened, then eh, probably not....
  • ademiter
    ademiter Posts: 176 Member
    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    JBU!
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    The lying to you about it was worse than the affair. It's the lying that needs to be rectified.

    And I know a dozen happily married Polyamorous couples, so the question is not can a marriage survive it, it's can you both move past it.
  • EyeOnThePrize82
    EyeOnThePrize82 Posts: 59 Member
    I know about a half a dozen marriages that have survived an affair, including one where the wife got pregnant and it was not her husband's. He raises him as his own.

    The key is repentance. The person having the affair needs to admit it, regret it and commit to it never happening again. S/he needs to be accountable for their whereabouts at all times and accept that it'll take time to rebuild trust.

    I am so sorry that happened to you. Praying you guys can work it out and that your marriage will be stronger from the work you both put into it.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    I couldn't do it..nope.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    If he had been honest and come clean instead of lying and you catching him so he finally admitted to it, then yes I'd say to work it out. But he didn't come clean, he got caught. In my opinion, no.
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
    That was my thought as well...
  • _Wits_
    _Wits_ Posts: 1,286 Member
    You have to be able to trust who you are with.

    I screwed up in the past...I came clean...and my marriage has grown tremendously (married 3 years, together 12).

    Counseling, a retreat...exhaust all options.

    With communication, hard work, and forgiveness, it can absolutely work. But if you've at least given it your all and you decide to split, you'll know you did everything you could.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    JBU!
    *spirit fingers* \m/
  • n2thenight24
    n2thenight24 Posts: 1,651 Member
    It can survive. But the key is forgiveness. You MUST forgive him and move on if that's what you want. Don't bring it up every time you argue, don't sit around thinking about it. Don't ask him to talk about it when you're drunk. Just move on. That's the only way you will get past it.
  • Chief_Rocka
    Chief_Rocka Posts: 4,710 Member
    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???

    ha!
  • skittles1928
    skittles1928 Posts: 57 Member
    Get marriage counseling. If you can trust him again and he remains faithful, then your marriage could survive. But get a professional involved to help you guys sort out your feelings and your issues.
  • BeeElMarvin
    BeeElMarvin Posts: 2,086 Member
    Without going into personal details, Yes, it can work. You both have to want it and work at it.
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???

    All the more reason to listen to her. She has many successful marriages going on at once! Who here can say that? She clearly wins.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???

    LMAO! I caught this too! How many marriages have you had that survived infidelity?

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