Can a marriage survive??

1356

Replies

  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 599 Member
    I would have to get even first, but I'm vindictive like that. :devil: Even so, I still wouldn't be able to forgive.

    It really depends on how forgiving you are and if you think you can trust them again.

    I thought about this but when the time came I couldn't do it because my family kept going through my mind and that means more to me than getting even.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    It can survive. But the key is forgiveness. You MUST forgive him and move on if that's what you want. Don't bring it up every time you argue, don't sit around thinking about it. Don't ask him to talk about it when you're drunk. Just move on. That's the only way you will get past it.

    So funny. You nailed me to a "T". This is what I can see myself doing, it drives me nuts everyday and I feel like a nag always asking him where he is going or what he is doing but IMO I deserve to be answered and he needs to understand that.

    I've heard just the opposite. You SHOULD be able to talk about it as much as you want to. Otherwise it will eat at you. Marriage counseling is a must, in my opinion. Some people/marriages make it through and beyond infidelity. It depends on the people involved.

    In my marriage, infidelity is a deal breaker, no discussion about it. If he cheats, then he doesn't need me in his life anymore. Interestingly, he says if I were to cheat, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker to him. But he also knows that there is no way, no how I will ever cheat on him. We've been together for 23 years, so he knows that with all his heart.
  • WRXymama
    WRXymama Posts: 342 Member
    Private message sent. However I did forget to add, we DID NOT seek a marriage counselor. My husband was the one who refused it.
  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 599 Member
    Wow. Thanks for that. This is just a really hard time right now!!! I will keep my head up but its not easy!
  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 599 Member
    Yes, a marriage can survive. Two years ago today, I discovered that my husband was having an affair. It was the most devastating thing I have ever been through in my life. I told him that he could stay in our house until Christmas (we have small children and I did not want to ruin their christmas), but then he had to get out. Between that day and Christmas, he did every thing he could to prove to me that he was sorry, and to try to mend things. He ended up staying. The last two years have been an emotional roller coaster, but I can honestly say that it is much stronger now than before.

    I saw that there was a post that said if you feel like you can trust him stay. But at this point there is really no way that you can feel you can trust him. That takes a LOT of time to get back. I have really just gotten to the point where I am secure and do trust him. It is a LOT of hard work, I cannot stress that enough. But if you love him, and you basically had a decent marriage, it may be worth doing.

    SOmething that helped me immensely was a website called surviving infidelity. www.survivinginfidelity.com. It is a great forum for spouses who have been betrayed. So many crazy things go on in your head when this happens to you, it is nice to read that others have the same feelings, it makes you feel a little less crazy. Hang in there, whatever you choose it will be a long journey. But you will make it out the other side. This has turned me into a lot stronger person, that is for sure. Hugs
    Thanks so much for this site. I will def check it out!
  • WRXymama
    WRXymama Posts: 342 Member
    It can survive. But the key is forgiveness. You MUST forgive him and move on if that's what you want. Don't bring it up every time you argue, don't sit around thinking about it. Don't ask him to talk about it when you're drunk. Just move on. That's the only way you will get past it.

    So funny. You nailed me to a "T". This is what I can see myself doing, it drives me nuts everyday and I feel like a nag always asking him where he is going or what he is doing but IMO I deserve to be answered and he needs to understand that.

    I've heard just the opposite. You SHOULD be able to talk about it as much as you want to. Otherwise it will eat at you. Marriage counseling is a must, in my opinion. Some people/marriages make it through and beyond infidelity. It depends on the people involved.

    In my marriage, infidelity is a deal breaker, no discussion about it. If he cheats, then he doesn't need me in his life anymore. Interestingly, he says if I were to cheat, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker to him. But he also knows that there is no way, no how I will ever cheat on him. We've been together for 23 years, so he knows that with all his heart.


    ^^Just to add to your reply.....you never REALLY know how/what to do until it happens to you. jus sayin
  • RubyRed8067
    RubyRed8067 Posts: 301
    If you you had not have caught him, would you ever have known about the affair? If the answer is "no", I'd take some time to consider whether or not I could trust him again.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    It can survive. But the key is forgiveness. You MUST forgive him and move on if that's what you want. Don't bring it up every time you argue, don't sit around thinking about it. Don't ask him to talk about it when you're drunk. Just move on. That's the only way you will get past it.

    So funny. You nailed me to a "T". This is what I can see myself doing, it drives me nuts everyday and I feel like a nag always asking him where he is going or what he is doing but IMO I deserve to be answered and he needs to understand that.

    I've heard just the opposite. You SHOULD be able to talk about it as much as you want to. Otherwise it will eat at you. Marriage counseling is a must, in my opinion. Some people/marriages make it through and beyond infidelity. It depends on the people involved.

    In my marriage, infidelity is a deal breaker, no discussion about it. If he cheats, then he doesn't need me in his life anymore. Interestingly, he says if I were to cheat, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker to him. But he also knows that there is no way, no how I will ever cheat on him. We've been together for 23 years, so he knows that with all his heart.


    ^^Just to add to your reply.....you never REALLY know how/what to do until it happens to you. jus sayin

    I think that can be true. But for me infidelity is a deal breaker. I know myself well enough that I would never be able to let it go and would be miserable and make his life miserable if he were to cheat on me. I am entirely too insecure to work past it and continue being married to someone who would betray my trust in that way.
  • deb3129
    deb3129 Posts: 1,294 Member
    It can survive. But the key is forgiveness. You MUST forgive him and move on if that's what you want. Don't bring it up every time you argue, don't sit around thinking about it. Don't ask him to talk about it when you're drunk. Just move on. That's the only way you will get past it.

    So funny. You nailed me to a "T". This is what I can see myself doing, it drives me nuts everyday and I feel like a nag always asking him where he is going or what he is doing but IMO I deserve to be answered and he needs to understand that.

    I've heard just the opposite. You SHOULD be able to talk about it as much as you want to. Otherwise it will eat at you. Marriage counseling is a must, in my opinion. Some people/marriages make it through and beyond infidelity. It depends on the people involved.

    In my marriage, infidelity is a deal breaker, no discussion about it. If he cheats, then he doesn't need me in his life anymore. Interestingly, he says if I were to cheat, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker to him. But he also knows that there is no way, no how I will ever cheat on him. We've been together for 23 years, so he knows that with all his heart.

    Talking about it is a MUST. Not screaming, accusing blaming (though this doe sometimes happen, especially at first.) But being able to talk about it, ask questions, ask the same questoins over again until you are ready to move on from them. And counseling is very important!!
  • CynthiaElise
    CynthiaElise Posts: 262 Member
    I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I can relate somewhat - we were never married but I stayed in the relationship. In my personal experience I was never able to let it go or forgive him completely. I'd punish him all the time without even realizing it, things like "going out with the guys" was no longer innocent (I always thought he was with another woman)... Things ended badly, I ended up cheating on him with someone I cared deeply about (someone who gave me everything my current bf couldn't) and that really killed me but ultimately it was for the best that we split.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is if you decide to stay then you have to commit to forgiving him, loving him, and moving forward. If you can't do this then get out. NOW!
  • BeccaLevine
    BeccaLevine Posts: 315 Member
    For me personally, I could not stay with a man that cheated on me. I have been cheated on before in a serious relationship (and I realize your situation is different being married with kids) but I left him. You need to respect yourself enough to know you deserve to be with someone who only wants you and stays committed. You know deep down every time he is late from work or this or that you are going to wonder if he's being unfaithful. And I know you say you love him, but love isn't always enough.
  • petstorekitty
    petstorekitty Posts: 592 Member
    Repeat of what others have said. It is about trust.
    If there is no trust, every day is a challenge and miserable.

    I speak from experience. Without my long depressing story the end of it is that I could not trust him. He repelled me. All I could see was him kissing her. He wanted someone other than me and that made me not want him anymore.

    Trust is the easiest thing to break and the hardest thing to build.

    IF You really want to keep at it, talk it out. Get every skelleton out of every closet. including the "little stuff" like if you hate that he leaves the toilet seat up and the big stuff like if he wants you to wash the dishes wearing a tutu.
    If you guys can do that you will be able to learn whether it will work or not.

    Evey relationship must have a Level of Acceptance: what you are willing to accept for your own happiness and sanity.

    Staying together for kids or pets or rent is crap. We get married or commit to a person because we want to spend the rest of our lives with just that person.

    Ugh. I hate cheaters. It's so bloody spineless and sad.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,689 Member
    Do you trust him now? If yes, then of course it can survive. If not, then no, it can't.
    This.
  • LoraF83
    LoraF83 Posts: 15,694 Member
    I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!

    It depends on the people involved.

    But, you could probably benefit from counseling AND you need to decide if you trust him. Constantly being worried about his behavior is no way to live.
  • NKF92879
    NKF92879 Posts: 601 Member
    You'll never be able to trust him again unfortunately.


    I wholeheartedly, 100% disagree with this. A marriage most certainly CAN survive infidelity. It might take some counseling, but trust can rebuilt.
  • GeekGirl23
    GeekGirl23 Posts: 517 Member
    It can only survive if you both get help together to move on from it. Otherwise you may nag him or worry yourself to death.

    Was the affair an emotional or just physical? Maybe there are things he needed that he wasn't open to sharing with you but he should if he wants to keep his family together.
  • marypatmccue
    marypatmccue Posts: 521 Member
    Get back together with him, but remind him of it every chance you get.

    HAHA... yeah, that'll help the situation... :laugh: :laugh:
  • jplord
    jplord Posts: 510 Member
    [/quote]
    It depends on the people involved.

    But, you could probably benefit from counseling AND you need to decide if you trust him. Constantly being worried about his behavior is no way to live.
    [/quote]

    This. I broke the ring of fidelity 7 years ago, and it is impossible to re-establish the trust and love we used to have. But we remain married because we both want ot keep trying, marriage is still good, and divorcing creates more problems than it solves.
  • angryguy77
    angryguy77 Posts: 836 Member
    Yes, you would be a fool not to take him back. Think of the possibilities-you can win every single argument by just saying "But you screwed a *kitten*." Or if he asks you to pass the salt-"Why don't you ask your *kitten* to pass it."
  • ctbloom
    ctbloom Posts: 23
    I'm sorry to say but no it can't. Marriage isn't just love between two human beings. It's the conjoining of their feelings, emotions, and falts. Once someone's cheated, your breaking out of everything you've worked so hard to obtain. Cheating should not be forgiven because in my opinion, is the worst possible thing one could do. It's saying "I love you, my heart is in your hands and nobody else's", and than turning around and saying it to another. I'm truly sorry about your situation but he does not deserve to be forgive for such an action.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    Or if he asks you to pass the salt-"Why don't you ask your *kitten* to pass it."

    That cracked me up.
  • jonjo1978
    jonjo1978 Posts: 59
    i think both parties have to come to some sort of resolution
    if its worked at i think it can survive
    but theres gotta be 100% from both sides
  • RobfromLakewood
    RobfromLakewood Posts: 684
    Forgiving someone is something we think we do for others, but really, it is for ourselves. It is a great thing we do for ourselves though, otherwise we would be filled with a resentment and bitter feelings. I have far from mastered the art of forgiveness, but I know every time I do, when I let go of that resentment, I act as though I do something for the person I forgive, but the benefits are truly mine.

    Every person has to decide if they can trust someone who has betrayed them, for some it is, not easy, but possible. If you won't be able to trust him again, it is best to come to that conclusion early, not for his sake, but for you and your child's sake. Having this defined is best for all of you, so you know where to go.

    If my wife were to cheat, I am reasonably certain I would feel crushed, but able to forgive and trust her again. I know she would be crushed, a part of her destroyed and unable to trust me again and highly likely she would be unable to trust another man in her life again. This is not who is a better person, but a question of personality in my opinion. So while I am flirty toa degree, I not only love my wife, but essentially like her too much as a person to ever cheat on her. If she was different, maybe my the chances of cheating would be different. But I know what I know about her and know I would have to hate her as a person to do something that would crush her.

    One last note, many men and women can't internalize how crushing their betrayal is and that is what allows them to do this deed.

    My hope is that you see it in you to trust him again and he lives up to this incredible second chance you give him, if that were to happen.
  • kzcortes
    kzcortes Posts: 208 Member
    I think what we're all saying is...it'll take a lot of work but you two need to talk about it and decide if you're happier with each other or without each other.
  • Amber82479
    Amber82479 Posts: 629 Member
    I think it depends on the person. If you can find it in your heart to truly forgive him AND you can learn to trust him again, then I believe the marriage could survive. However, I think it's very rare that a person can do those two things and so typically, the marriage fails. I suppose all you can do is try. If needed, counseling could help you to talk in a constructive manner and work through the issues together. No matter what you decide, I hope you find happiness at the end of the rainbow.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    You'll never be able to trust him again unfortunately.

    True story.
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
    I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!

    Your husband lied to you, introduced potential diseases to you by having sex with someone else, and dismissed you and your daughter when he decided to have sex with someone else. For me, no, the marriage could not survive that. I wouldn't want it to.
  • KristyHumphrey
    KristyHumphrey Posts: 248 Member
    I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!

    All i know is from watching what my brother went through. He was married to his wife a year and she cheated on him. They broke up, got divorced, but got back together about a year later. They got remarried. He never could get past it and couldn't trust her even though he stayed with her because he loved her. She cheated again and again. They finally ended it and it was definitely for the best (two children involved). Those kids have been through SOO much I'm shocked they have turned out okay (so far). Just food for thought!
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    I think the only way you could make it work now is to institute a policy of total honesty and to seek marriage counseling. Best of luck to you.
  • deb3129
    deb3129 Posts: 1,294 Member
    Something else to think about is that even if you leave him, and find a new relationship, that does not mean that all the issues go away. This will still affect how you look at everything, and unfortunately it will affect your ability to trust others, not just your husband. I am not saying that you should stay because of that, but leaving does not mean that all the trust and other issues go away. They are still there and have to be dealt with.

Categories