Can a marriage survive??
Options
Replies
-
This.You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.
Exactly.
I got involved in a non-physical affair - seriously, no touching of any kind. I refer to it as an emotional affair in that we both liked each other and talked about it, but neither of us pushed for anything more. It's a long story but the bottom line is my wife found out months after it was over, and she was devastated. She handed me a list and said, "If you love me and want this to workout, here's what you need to do." She only had one thing on the list: Set up marriage counseling.
I did. We both went.
It was not easy; you have to want the marriage to work, and be willing to put in the effort. We both had some changing to do.
It's been 15 years now and we are still married. I think our marriage is better now than it ever has been. I would never be fool enough to even risk doing something that might cause my wife to consider leaving me. I used up my one chance ... never again.0 -
I got involved in a non-physical affair - seriously, no touching of any kind. I refer to it as an emotional affair in that we both liked each other and talked about it, but neither of us pushed for anything more. It's a long story but the bottom line is my wife found out months after it was over, and she was devastated.
OMG ... Your first few sentences reminded me of my virgin fiance ... That was traumatic! Can imagine how awfully pained your wife felt back then. It's hard.
No touching of any kind - exactly. And for me, when he held hands with someone else- and it was reported to me by a relative of his - i was heartbroken - shattered. Took me a long while to bounce back.
Edit: Cheating is situational. You're either conditioned to handle it or you're just not cut out to absorb it. Fortunately, I like to think I can handle it, as long as he can equally forgive me - if I slip up.0 -
0
-
ive a friend who is having problems
i have directed them here0 -
My husband cheated. I allowed him back and it was a decent relationship for 7 years until he did it again. I always believe a marriage is worth saving. If both parties want it. If both are willing to do counseling, be honest and accountible for what got u both in this situation and forgive and move on. Never forget but forgive. If the relationship is good in its other facets it can be saved but it will be hard work. My husband did not want to stay. He is immature and never took accountibility for what went wrong even though I did. It was the best decision I never wanted. Now I am happy, healthy, and in a great relationship. The woman he left me for used him and dumped him0
-
If my husband cheated I know I couldn't get over it. It would eat me up daily and that's not the kind of life I want or the example I want to set for my daughter.
I'm better than having to stick around for someone that didn't deem me worthy enough to be faithful.
And I know me, and I couldn't forget it, or let it go, or trust that person again.0 -
I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!
A marriage can absolutely survive an affair. However...not all marriages. Depends on who, what, where, why, how long...communication is key. Restablishing trust is going to be hard and some marriages can come back even stronger then before.
If you both want this marriage to work seek help...get to the bottom of all your feelings and his feelings.
Do what your heart is telling you and hold your ground..if you stay..dont take slack from anyone prejudging you..its alot easier to say..oh heck..id never stay...until you are in the situation. Love does not just die.
I do not know you and I am truely sorry you are in this situation. :flowerforyou:0 -
I was the one who caught my father with my mom's best friend when I was 14. I saw what it did to her, and continues to do to her to this day. She forgave, and she survived, but never forgot. She still to this day, actually, it was yesterday that she asked me to figure out a way to read browser history for her ISP provider (and I knew it's because she wanted to look at whatever sites my dad was visiting).
It's why I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. And, I honestly will not care how long of a relationship I may be in...
It will be done once I find out.0 -
Thank you everyone for the advice/stories. All the good and the bad. I am really trying hard to make things work and I really hope I don't get hurt again. I can't take it. Its nice to have so many of you give your input. Thanks for the support!!
Tiffany0 -
I was the one who caught my father with my mom's best friend when I was 14. I saw what it did to her, and continues to do to her to this day. She forgave, and she survived, but never forgot. She still to this day, actually, it was yesterday that she asked me to figure out a way to read browser history for her ISP provider (and I knew it's because she wanted to look at whatever sites my dad was visiting).
It's why I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. And, I honestly will not care how long of a relationship I may be in...
It will be done once I find out.
WOW!!! Sounds like you and I have the same type of story. I was 14 when I walked in on my dad and my mom's friend... in my parents' bedroom. The difference is... my dad ended up leaving (before my mom knew). She was devastated. Didn't know why he left. I remember her grabbing onto his leg and begging him to stay.
Before he left, he had threatened me not to tell. Tried convincing me it wasn't what I thought. After he left, I told my mom the truth, though.
He came back a week later; but, my mom told him to leave again a week after that.0 -
I am really trying hard to make things work and I really hope I don't get hurt again. I can't take it. Thanks for the support!!
Tiffany
Tiffany, if you're intent on giving your marriage another chance, then I believe you should consider EMDR Treatment. It is designed to help you deal with the trauma stemming from what you'd witnessed and it should assist you in developing your own coping mechanisms to deal with what had transpired. Best of luck.0 -
My dad cheated on my mom about 12 years ago, my mom forgave him (and said he ever does it again and they are done) and all was well (as far as she knew) until this year. My mom found out my dad had been having an affair for 3 years. He drained their bank accounts, racked up their credit cards, took out personal loans. He even bought her two cars!
They were 120K in debt not including their house.
And yet my mom said the same thing you said "I still love him with all my heart" she also said "I don't know what I would do without him" and both times she said "I think he learned his lesson"
I love my dad but I wish my mom never took him back. I hate seeing how badly he hurt my mom, I hate even as she found out some of what he had done he would not tell the complete truth. I helped her find out how much was on the credit cards, I accessed my dad's credit report and found out about the other loans.
Yes a divorce could hurt your children, but how much damage could be done if he does it again later? At the very very VERY least please do counseling, my parents refused both times and I believe they are in major need of it.0 -
Don't go back to him. It will destroy you, even if you both want to make it work. I'm speaking from experience.0
-
Only you can answer this question. Just know some of your otherrelationships will not survive because some friends won't stick around because they don't support you. I think that is complete bull crap but whatever. Do what makes you feel happy. If it doesn't survive you will know when that time is. Apparently it isn't now.0
-
I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it....\
@Tiffany. So why did he do it?0 -
I don't like to talk about this situation, especially in public, but I feel your pain and I had no one to advise me when it happened to me. My husband had an affair in 2007 when I was pregnant with our second child. I got so stressed out I lost the baby. I thought it was over for sure. We split up for a year, and then decided to try it again, very slowly. We bought a duplex and each lived in half. Went to a therapist. I went to support groups at church. We had another baby who's 2 now. It's been a hard, long road. The trust will never, ever be the same. The relationship will never, ever be the same. Things change after an affair. The question shouldn't be, "can a marriage survive?" Because it can survive. It most definitely can. The questions you should be asking yourself are, "Can I live with the betrayal? Can I honestly say that my marrige is worth the sacrifice and the work involved to gain some trust back? Can I live with the fact that things will never be the same between us again? Can I picture myself sleeping next to this person every night with the knowledge of what they have done to me for the rest of my life?" You may think you can get "over it." But that's impossible. It leaves a wound so deep, that even if the wound heals, there will forever be a scar that won't go away. There are days when I wake up and feel like the biggest idiot on the planet for taking him back. There are days when I feel that I was weak and I "gave in" when I took him back. There are days when I just wait for him to walk in the door and tell me he's done it again, and get my heart stomped on once more. Plus, you have to remember that there will always, always be people who care about you who will be against your husband forever for what he's done. Some of my family members still haven't forgiven my husband. There will always be people who judge you and think you are a stupid woman for taking him back. Can you live with having to defend your choice over, and over, and over again? Can you live with having to defend your husband to people and saying things like, "Yes, I know he cheated on me, but we still love each other, and he's changed, he will never do it again..." blah, blah, blah. Cheating is the worst thing in the world. It's not only about the hurt and betrayal and the waking up every day wondering if there is something wrong with YOU, when it's THEIR fault to begin with. But there are always the aftershocks that you have to deal with, like explaining to people, or having to see the look of pity on people's faces when they are talking to you, just knowing what they want to say underneath it. It sucks. It's the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. There are definitely days when I look in the mirror and wonder what the hell I was thinking taking him back. There are days when I definitely think it wasn't worth it. But then we will have really good days. We will have a great day with the kids and I will look at my 3 guys and I won't even give it a second thought. Those are the days I am living for now.
My advice to you. Take your love for him out of the equation for a minute. Use your head and not your heart. Sit with yourself, by yourself, with no outside influence from family or friends or your husband, and really process the situation. Sit with a notebook and pen if you have to, write out your thoughts, write the pros and cons, dump it all out on paper. Write down what you really want to say to your husband, without tears or emotions, and think about what you would like him to do for you (i.e. if you want this marriage to work, you must go to therapy with me, etc.). Make a plan one way or the other. Lay it all out on the line. Regroup your head, reorganize your thoughts, wipe the tears from your eyes, stand up straight, and own yourself. Tell yourself you are a strong, confident person who didn't deserve what happened, but it has happened, and now you must take control of the situation. If you lead with your emotions, you are at risk of completely falling apart. I know. I have firsthand experience.
Good luck to you. *hugs*0 -
Venabambina couldn't have said it better....other than....there are days when you know you made the right decision and you feel like what you went through made your relationship stronger. You will always have good days and you will always have bad days, you will always have people who don't understand your decision to stay with him either.0
-
My ex husband cheated on me and it was never the same. We tried counseling but in all honesty there was no trust and anything he did I was suspicious. Me personally once a cheat always a cheat. What makes you think he won't do it again? Do you want to spend the rest job your life wondering where he is going, who is he talking too ? The list goes on, and it will happen, you will eventually start to think that way. I think you should move out and move on. You deserve better than that. Love him or not he disrespected you in the worst way.0
-
Venabambina couldn't have said it better....other than....there are days when you know you made the right decision and you feel like what you went through made your relationship stronger. You will always have good days and you will always have bad days, you will always have people who don't understand your decision to stay with him either.
Agree! Totally agree.0 -
I don't like to talk about this situation, especially in public, but I feel your pain and I had no one to advise me when it happened to me. My husband had an affair in 2007 when I was pregnant with our second child. I got so stressed out I lost the baby. I thought it was over for sure. We split up for a year, and then decided to try it again, very slowly. We bought a duplex and each lived in half. Went to a therapist. I went to support groups at church. We had another baby who's 2 now. It's been a hard, long road. The trust will never, ever be the same. The relationship will never, ever be the same. Things change after an affair. The question shouldn't be, "can a marriage survive?" Because it can survive. It most definitely can. The questions you should be asking yourself are, "Can I live with the betrayal? Can I honestly say that my marrige is worth the sacrifice and the work involved to gain some trust back? Can I live with the fact that things will never be the same between us again? Can I picture myself sleeping next to this person every night with the knowledge of what they have done to me for the rest of my life?" You may think you can get "over it." But that's impossible. It leaves a wound so deep, that even if the wound heals, there will forever be a scar that won't go away. There are days when I wake up and feel like the biggest idiot on the planet for taking him back. There are days when I feel that I was weak and I "gave in" when I took him back. There are days when I just wait for him to walk in the door and tell me he's done it again, and get my heart stomped on once more. Plus, you have to remember that there will always, always be people who care about you who will be against your husband forever for what he's done. Some of my family members still haven't forgiven my husband. There will always be people who judge you and think you are a stupid woman for taking him back. Can you live with having to defend your choice over, and over, and over again? Can you live with having to defend your husband to people and saying things like, "Yes, I know he cheated on me, but we still love each other, and he's changed, he will never do it again..." blah, blah, blah. Cheating is the worst thing in the world. It's not only about the hurt and betrayal and the waking up every day wondering if there is something wrong with YOU, when it's THEIR fault to begin with. But there are always the aftershocks that you have to deal with, like explaining to people, or having to see the look of pity on people's faces when they are talking to you, just knowing what they want to say underneath it. It sucks. It's the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. There are definitely days when I look in the mirror and wonder what the hell I was thinking taking him back. There are days when I definitely think it wasn't worth it. But then we will have really good days. We will have a great day with the kids and I will look at my 3 guys and I won't even give it a second thought. Those are the days I am living for now.
My advice to you. Take your love for him out of the equation for a minute. Use your head and not your heart. Sit with yourself, by yourself, with no outside influence from family or friends or your husband, and really process the situation. Sit with a notebook and pen if you have to, write out your thoughts, write the pros and cons, dump it all out on paper. Write down what you really want to say to your husband, without tears or emotions, and think about what you would like him to do for you (i.e. if you want this marriage to work, you must go to therapy with me, etc.). Make a plan one way or the other. Lay it all out on the line. Regroup your head, reorganize your thoughts, wipe the tears from your eyes, stand up straight, and own yourself. Tell yourself you are a strong, confident person who didn't deserve what happened, but it has happened, and now you must take control of the situation. If you lead with your emotions, you are at risk of completely falling apart. I know. I have firsthand experience.
Good luck to you. *hugs*
Wow I thank you for this. You are so right and that is something I am going to have to do before I lose my mind. Those thoughts are already going through my mind. Thanks again. *hugs*0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 394 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 941 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions