Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

I appreciate your take on this and it is nice to hear. I agree that for me it wasn't a weight issue at all but a confidence thing. When I lost 25lbs, I felt more confident and he seemed to pick up on that. I also agree that we all fantasize and there is nothing wrong with that. It is kind of fun to share in that experience with your spouse if willing. Thanks.

I used to be married to a man who was not attracted to me. It was miserable! I'd have probably changed into something he would have desired, if I could have,

but he was into pretty girls and I, well....can't afford the amount of plastic surgery that would have taken.

Looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. A lifetime of having someone "settle" for me would have been way worse than being 30 and divorced is.

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but those are your choices:

attempt to make a sexless, unhappy marriage work

change just to please his tastes

move on and meet someone who appreciates you for you; shape and all

Shut your face! You are HOTT!

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

The quackers are fast to advise punishment to some guy who was merely honest.
I truly don't know this husband's heart, but having been in the same situation but in reverse, I'd never have considered divorcing my wife for being honest.
So long as there was no infidelity, preserve the marriage.

I had over 100lbs to drop and I hav 60ish more to go so I know you can do it! The difference between you and me is that my husband wants me to be overweight...which is gross to me and he thinks if I get skinny then I'm going to leave him lol. I'm getting skinny for me not for him and if he is still along for the ride when I'm done making myself happy then so be it, and if not then see ya! Do this for you!

Maybe the two of you need to take a serious look at your marriage, possibly with the help of a counselor, and find out if there's something else that's a problem. Your weight is just on the outside...it's not who you are as a person on the inside. But if you have "let yourself go" you're probably not feeling very good about yourself and he probably senses that. Happiness comes from inside you, not outside you.

As for your weight, don't do it for him, but work on it for you. Losing some weight, in your own way and your own time, will improve your outlook for the future and your self-esteem. And then when your disposition and self-esteem improves, he'll sense that and maybe you two can work things out.

As for him fantasizing about other women, he's still coming home to you, right? My husband and I have a phrase/agreement. We can still look at the "menu", we just can't order from it anymore. :-) We are totally committed to each other, but it is only human nature to notice a person who's attractive.

Good luck!

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

I am sure this ^ won't be the most popular post, but I have to agree with this poster.

OP, you said it yourself: you asked a stupid question, then you couldn't handle his truthful answer...and allowed it to eat away at your self esteem for your entire marriage. Lack of sex is probably based on this insecurity, as you undoubtedly lost confidence in yourself...and a confident fat person in the bedroom is MUCH more of a turn-on than a withdrawn, neurotic, self-critical bone rack.

However, I'm sure that, since he fantasizes about size 4's, your husband married you for more than your looks as you weren't a size 4 when you dated him, so I'm willing to bet that he loves you for YOU - the person you are on the INside - which is a LOT more than some marriages have going for them. If you have love between you, then you can build on that.

Your hubby seems to want to be totally honest in the marriage, so maybe it's time for you to be honest, too - with yourself. And by coming here, you have taken the first step in accepting that you have a problem and are willing to do something about it. xoxoxox

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

This was a good reply!!!

You need to do this for you- not for him. I think counseling would be a huge step toward healing in your relationship. If he isn't willing to try you will have to decide... Do you want to stay married to someone that doesn't love you for the sake of your daughter even though it is only going to hurt you? Do you want to do something for yourself even if it may be the hardest choice?

I went thru the same thing, we worked it out and after 24 years of marriage and 27 years of being together, we are good and I'm just now at the size I was when we first met. So over those 27 years I gained 156 lbs, that is really sad in itself. I should have been better to me than I was. But I'm working on it now and sadly he's not in any shape to enjoy it To tell you the truth if I knew then what I know now I would have done it years ago and been a much happier person. But you have to be ready to do it for you, doing it for anyone else will not work.

You can't blaim him for being honest. You have to decide if you want this for you or for him. But I can guarentee you a few years from now you will regret NOT taking control of your weight now. Don't do it for him and let him decide what it is he wants, but you need to do it for you and decide what you want.

It is possible to work this out you just have to want to

You have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.

This ^^^and is there a possibility to get some counseling? On a personal note, my partner is big and has always been big. I have never been into "big" guys, but I love him for the beautiful caring person he is. His inner beauty draws me to him and is all the attraction I need

THIS! I was 70 pounds heavier than I am now 8 years ago. I was in a sexless marriage. I wasn't big when that part started, but I GOT big. I think I thought if he found me physically disgusting it would be a reason for him not touching me that I could at least understand. Of course, that wasn't why (he had his own MAJOR issues that had nothing to do with me) but he let me believe it was my fault. I lived up to that expectation. When I finally started to snap out of it I RAN for counselling. Initially, I asked him to come too, but when he refused I went on my own. I realized a lot of things about myself and how I ended up in that marriage in the first place. I started losing the weight, NOT for HIM!!!! I did it for ME and who I knew I was under that fat and for the person I'd forgotten I truly was. I divorced him, and though I lost my home, my pets and my financial security, I found myself again which was the greatest prize of all! I am now married to a big, wonderful, sweet, gentle man who adores me small and adores me larger and just plain adores ME. I, too, was never into bigger men, but I don't even see it on him... I just see HIM and how lucky I am to have someone who would never hurt me the way my former husband did. If you truly love someone, their size doesn't matter, any more than it would matter if they became incapacitated in some way.

I'm not going to advise you to end your marriage... that is a decision only you can make, but I would strongly urge you to get counselling for yourself. And if you decide to lose the weight, do it to be healthier, not to please your husband or anyone else. This is YOUR life and your journey!

You have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.

THIS^^^ plus I am soooooo tired of these men who think they are "SOOOO Perfect"" and can put these kind of stipulations on their wife. But the crazy part is they didn't say anything upfront, they just wait until a woman "catches on" to what they are trying to say.
I would not be with anyone not sexually satisfying me in a year so it depends on if you want your marriage.

My sister went through this in February and it's absolutely crazy. This stupid dude walked out on my sister with 4 children. Craziest thing is that she was a size 14 now she's a size 12 without even trying cause the stress got lifted.

Society makes men crazy with all this sex selling and the girls who can really look like magazine girls. They get alot of misconceptions. So yes this dude wanted my sister to be a size 6/8 at 5'8 which is pretty thin.

That's where I wanna be but it's my personal preference not for some guy.

I know it's a hard situation, and the truth is that he probably shouldn't have assumed that you were going to change, unless you made it clear to him that you intended to. However, people generally can't help what they are physically attracted to. I don't think he's really being all that douchy, just honest, and that only at your insistence. He's not asking you to change who you are from what you've written here. He's simply saying that he doesn't find you physically attractive. Now, I can readily see how that would be incredibly painful, but the fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Obviously your husband is trying, or he wouldn't have spent 8 years trying to take back one thing that he said that hurt you.
The bottom line is that it's your choice. If you want to lose weight, do it. If not, then don't. Only you can do that, for whatever reason you decide is important.

*ducks and waits for bullets to fly

hahaha @ ducks... I agree with this wholeheartedly. Yes, it does suck majorly to have someone who you are in a marriage with to not find you attractive, but all of the above makes a whole lot of sense.

My advice would be for you to lose the weight and lose the man. You deserve better all around.

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

I am sure this ^ won't be the most popular post, but I have to agree with this poster.

OP, you said it yourself: you asked a stupid question, then you couldn't handle his truthful answer...and allowed it to eat away at your self esteem for your entire marriage. Lack of sex is probably based on this insecurity, as you undoubtedly lost confidence in yourself...and a confident fat person in the bedroom is MUCH more of a turn-on than a withdrawn, neurotic, self-critical bone rack.

However, I'm sure that, since he fantasizes about size 4's, your husband married you for more than your looks as you weren't a size 4 when you dated him, so I'm willing to bet that he loves you for YOU - the person you are on the INside - which is a LOT more than some marriages have going for them. If you have love between you, then you can build on that.

Your hubby seems to want to be totally honest in the marriage, so maybe it's time for you to be honest, too - with yourself. And by coming here, you have taken the first step in accepting that you have a problem and are willing to do something about it. xoxoxox

I agree with these posters -

At size 24 US you are probably in the morbidly obese range and losing weight would be beneficial for yourself and your child. If it is also beneficial for your marriage, all the better.
Losing weight will make you feel so good - more energy, feeling of control over yourself and your life.
You are probably depressed as well, which makes us see things badly.
Fantasies are private and should be kept so. Fantasies are just that - something people would probably never do or really want to do in a million years - it's just tweaking that spot in the brain.
You are a beautiful looking woman - losing weight will be so good for you in so many ways, but I know that the decision to start doing something about it is something you have to do for yourself. Doesn't matter how many people in your life or here on MFP tell you that, it is when you decide enough is enough, and do it because YOU want to.

I hope things work out for you - maybe talk to your husband, say how sad you feel, how bad you feel, no blaming. Maybe he has something going on in his head that is making him feel bad as well.
:flowerforyou:

Girl you to not walk but run to the nearest exit. My EX husband said to me, after 14 years " I just can't deal with the way you look any more". *kitten*****. Here it is 15 years later and it can still hurt me if i let it. Took me almost a year to myself esteem back up and realize I was worth more then that. And found a wonderful man who loves me exactly how I am, wrinkle and all.

Agree with the rest, their is someone out their waiting for out that is going to give out the love you deserve. Tell him to take a hike, then get a good lawyer.