Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

I agree with you 100 percent!!!

The answer or opinion about this is not easy and much less there is a perfect suggestion. However, being that this is a fitness forum.

My suggestion is.

Get fit (Progressively, will make you feel better with yourself and about your whole situation hopefully)
establish your goals
do it for YOURSELF..
IT WONT BE EASY.. but it wont be too hard either.

EASY = know what you eat, do your workouts, keep your motivation, and NEVER GIVE UP!!

My heart breaks for you...I have heard very similar things from my SO and it hurts me in ways that I thought I would never feel hurt by someone I love so much. It has made me experience a range of emotions from sadness, self loathing, anger towards him, feeling like i am not only a number on the scale or my jeans size, but i am a beautiful, intelligent, strong person and he should understand that and love me anyways for it (and he does...i just got wrapped up in the weight comments and over looked that), it has made me feel like a 5 year old being told to do something, so i purposely don't do it because "i'm not going to do something you told me to do." (not that he told me to lose weight or else, but you get the idea...he made weight comments, per my prompting, then he answered truthfully, then i got all stubborn...i used his honesty in the wrong way for the wrong outcome.)

With that being said...I have a few things to point out.

1.) We usually ask those questions of our significant others, not only because we have a sinking suspicion about the truth we may or may not get from them on the topic, but because there is something inside of us unhappy with where we are at (for me, i was unhappy with my weight gain, had become obsessed with it, finally talked to him about his preferences-which of course the outcome was what I KNEW already, but it still sucks hearing the gritty, gnarly, unpretty sounding truth), and we ask the questions because it is like this weird "validation mode" we go into....We need to hear from someone else that they can confirm for us what we already possibly think about ourselves or about a situation.

2.) My situation is slightly different. When my SO and I met, I was a size 3/4/5. Weight ranged from like 118-120 lbs. I am 5'.25" tall. I was 130-135 2 years into our relationship...because I started eating like he did. Then I got pregnant, miscarried almost 12 weeks into it, put on some weight, was 145 lbs when I found out I was pregnant (we had been trying both times) and then gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy. I was 195 lbs the day I gave birth...Only down to 180 after delivery...Am now somewhere in the 160's, size 14's in pants, XL and 1X shirts...He isn't happy with my weight...I am not happy with my weight. I am figuring out that it is what it is. Yes, he does love me, yes he does prefer my more fit self. I do plan on getting there, but no longer am I doing it just because he made some crass comments to me about my weight one night over a drunken discussion at a bonfire. I am doing it because I miss my spunky, carefree clothes that I used to wear. Shopping is now a work out, looking for clothes to "hide this roll, this fat, this bulge" is no fun, exhausting and quite honestly not how I feel I should have to live...Just because I haven;t had the will power to lose the weight.

3.) So, with #2 being said, I piqued my own head, dealt with my own issues, and realized I am my own worst enemy, and need to be my own best friend. I may not like my weight or clothes size, and my SO may not either, BUT, I do take time every day to appreciate my body for everything it does for me. It is sort of like meditation. Positive reinforcement if you will. I will appreciate my self more and more each day, at this weight, and through out my weight loss journey. IF you are happy at your weight, then don't lose weight. BUT, if you are not happy with your weight, then start making some changes in your life to lose it. Know it isn't going to happen overnight. And enjoy the ride instead of despising it. It is LIFE. Live it for what it is worth. Overweight, losing weight, or at goal. And do it for yourself first and foremost...then do it because you want to be healthier-maybe to be active with your kid, and hubby.

4.) Even when my SO and I got together, come to find out, all of his exes had hardly any boobs or butt, not really curvy at all really. I have always had a large chest size. Large C Small D. And Have always had hips/butt. About 6 months into our relationship, he didn't seem as into sex anymore. I have had a complex about it for a while now, as we are going on being together for 4 years. BUT, he is pretty sure (he recently told me this) he has low testosterone. and has felt that way for a few years, and I don't want him taking meds for it because the side effects are scary.

So, even before I gained ALL this weight, and even when we were trying to get pregnant, I kind of felt like he didn't want me sexually...which really gave me a complex because, just like how you quoted about guys out and about complimenting you and saying you are attractive, and being hit on, you go home and get rejected from your hubby...I have felt this way. I have always been a VERY sexual person...not like, out having sex with a ton of people-not that there is really anything wrong with that, I just wasn't. I mean though, that like, I was told very often by numerous people that I was sexy, even just in jeans and a tshirt...so, when I was dressed up as a school girl for holloween and 125 lbs, and he didn't want to have sex, and we hadn't had sex for like a week, I was really feeling rejected. And even with that in the past, I have struggled with NOT blaming my weight now as the reason behind our slower than I desire sex life. So, now I keep in mind, that even if I did lose all the weight and become a bikini model, I doubt our sex life will pick up ALL that much- i can hope for some at least! Haha, but, again, this reinforces that I always need to make sure I am doing this for me and not for him, or for him to find me sexually attractive, because I don't want to lose the weight and then feel like another poster said-that he isn't having sex with me because he has possibly found some other reason to be unhappy with me.

I also got a good vibrator.

I am going to send you a friend request...and I hope we can stay in touch. If anything, I am in school to be a therapist, and am a good listener!

Edit to add** I also do want to take a little smidge of this post to point out that even though I would love my SO just the same, and probably still find him attractive if he gained 70+ lbs, I still think I would prefer him at the weight he is now. He seems to easily gain and lose 20 or so lbs here and there and doesn't really change much in appearance. (lucky dude) But, you know, if he all of a sudden became obese for some reason, I am sure I would want him to lose weight, not just for vanity's sake, but to be healthy. Which is something he did point out to me. That he doesn't only JUST prefer how I look when I am more fit, but that he also wants me to be healthy so we can live life to the max together. What you may find is that if you set a goal for yourself, like to lift weights, or start walking every day, or do a program like Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, he will find your dedication to just being healthier sexy.

You can do one of two things. Use this as a motivation tool or sink deeper into depression which will cause you to gain more weight.

i have been exactly where u are and i know how u feel. i too was alot smaller when i met my now ex-husband and over the course of our 8 1/2 year marriage gained 125 lbs. i was 145 when we met and now i border anywhere between 290 and 300. i also get comments about my weight from my family and even co-workers and residents ( i work in a nursing home and am always referred to as "the fat girl"). people do not understand that even IF we do want to lose the weight it is not that easy. :frown:motivations for me is the hardest! i honestly do want to lose the weight but find the more people make their nasty hurtful comments the less i want too try. :sad:
my ex also had a problem with my wieght. when we met in 1999 he was totally ok with me. although he was partial to brunettes and i was a blonde. he always made comments about women who were alot hotter than me or more attractive than me, not something that helps with your self esteem when u already have a weight problem. fast forward to Oct 2008, I was up to about 275 lbs he met another woman online (a brunette) and I decided it was time for a divorce. :brokenheart: i wont go into the rest of the details, but I am alot happier with out him, even though I still get comments from others.
I can sympathize with u as I am still in a similar situation except for no longer being married.
My advice to u is first to look at your situation and decide if your husband is really who u want to be with. If not get rid of him and then start focusing on yourself.
I have spent the last 3 12 years post divorce focusing on my children and everyone else...2013 is going to be the year to focus on me and get my weight reduced so that I can be happy in all aspects of my life. good luck to u!!:flowerforyou:

No one should feel the way he is making you feel. get away and work on yourself, you will be much happier. stay positive you can get through this.

I have two important questions for you:

1) Can you forgive your husband for the pain that he has caused you?
2) Can your husband forgive you for the pain that you have caused him?

I don't pretend to understand your situation, and I am slightly appalled at some of the folks here who are suggesting violence against your husband for being honest with you. All I can say with any surety behind it is that forgiveness is going to be at the heart of moving forward with your marriage, or the final nail it its coffin. Let me illustrate this with the following:

A few people have said that if you do indeed lose the weight, your husband might simply come up with a different reason to find you unattractive. If your husband can't let go of the issue of your weight, I would hazard a guess that this sentiment will be absolutely correct.

Others have suggested that you should mend the marriage. I ask you: if you do indeed lose the weight and your husband does regain your attraction to you, will you have any attraction to him? Or will the specter of his treatment of you while you were heavy hang like a dark cloud that keeps you from enjoying the attention? Do you have any current attraction to him considering his treatment of you?

Worth repeating.

What's awful isn't so much the attraction issue. Some of that is irrational, some of it could be worked on.

The bell ringing here is that this has gone on for EIGHT YEARS and you guys have been so locked into blame, shame, denial, discomfort, lack of communication, etc, that no one's felt free or comfortable or trusting enough to talk honestly about it, never mind take responsibility for the dynamic, or their own feelings.

I agree with the suggestion to get counselling for yourself, before couples counselling. And to be courageous about whatever you discover.

My ex husband married me to make his family happy. He didn't like that I was heavy, he wasn't attracted to me, and cheated on me every chance he got. It sucked. I ended up meeting a really sweet guy that made me realize I deserved better, so I kicked my ex to the curb. I an so much happier. You gotta be happy to be successful in losing weight or else it will never work. You shouldnt feel you have to lose weight to make people happy. You do it for you.

If I'm being really honest, I joined MFP because my weight gain was hurting my relationship with my other half. Knowing that someone you love simply doesn't fancy you anymore is so painful, especially when it was caused by something I allowed to get out of control. I know that losing the weight is good for my health, makes me feel more confident, etc. BUT my weight loss goal is to know my man wants me. It depends how strong your relationship is in other areas, you will know within yourself if you really want to stay married to your husband. Add me as a friend if you want support and encouragement, or simply someone who understands when you need to vent.

It is very difficult to give advice to another person about how to manage your marriage & all its related issues . As an outsider, I am not privy to all your day to day dealings with your spouse. What has served me well in my 20 plus relatioship with my life partner is I had outlined both in my head & verbally communicated to him what were dealer breakers in our relationship. Throughout the years I have always expressed my feelings. My husband does not express himself as easily as I do but, I had to learn to read his cues.

As years go by in a relationship, we can start to take each other for granted. The key ingredient is to keep talking to each other. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. Find your personal happiness & work on improving yourself. When you focus on your own self improvement it translates to all aspect of your life. The old saying of "Happy wife makes for a Happy life" is so true. The validation must come from within first & when it comes from others it is just an added bonus.

Work on finding "the vivacious you" for you & then you can reevaluate the overall health of your relationship. Stay strong!

I am sorry you are experiencing such sadness in your relationship right now. I do have a different perspective, though, because I went through a similar revelation with my husband about 8 years ago. We've been married 21 years now, and just celebrated our anniversary 2 days ago.

We took a class called "His Needs, Her Needs" and in it, the men and the women list, in order of priority, what their needs are.

My husband had a need to have an attractive spouse. Many husbands do have that need. I knew that I was not doing my best to fulfill HIS need to have an attractive spouse being 100+ pounds over weight. So although I lost the weight for ME, I was happy that I was also providing my hubby much joy and fulfilling a real need in his life for the relationship.

I agree that a husband should love his wife no matter her size, and I also agree that many husbands have the unfulfilled need of having an attractive spouse. That is just the nuts and bolts of it, I have found. I hope this helps! No one who looks at my two "before" pictures in my avatar can argue that I was presenting my best self to him, to the world, OR to myself. And I'm OK saying that about me.

Ultimately it is about Health, though. It isn't healthy to carry that much extra weight around, I was putting myself at a hugely increased risk of many obesity-driven diseases. I feel better and am more healthy being a normal weight now. And that is really the bottom line. For me anyway.

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

This is good advice.

Also, with only your take on the situation, I don't honestly see how anyone can advise you about actions to take in your marriage: its likely that the other person in this equation would provide a different take on things (different, not right or wrong). Own being healthy for your sake, not anyone else's - I think its the only way to be both physically _and_ mentally at peace

OP I am so sorry you are hurt. I would feel hurt too. And a sexless marriage is a hard thing for sure.

I was a skinny size 4 when I met my husband. Gained 70 pounds rapidly about 3 years into the relationship. Food was my self-medication choice when some terrible life events happened (deaths in the family, plus other stuff). My husband has never been critical of me, but the sex diminished a lot from where it had been. I decided NOT to try to force him to admit that he was less attracted to me physically. Unfortunately though, I think it's a cold hard truth that physical attraction isn't something entirely within our control. So I can't blame that on him. I am very thankful that I didn't try to force the truth out of him and that he didn't harass me about it either. I can't get my mind in gear to lose 'for' someone else (it tends to trigger eating disorder behavior in me) but within about 6 months of the gain, I was trying to lose it for me. I didn't feel sexy anymore, wanted total darkness in the bedroom, that sort of thing. Maybe that contributed more to the reduction in sex than his feelings. But I haven't had much success until now (it's been about 8 years of carrying this 70 pounds around).

To be fair, my husband once gained a good 30-40 pounds when he went to a more sedentary job. I didn't reject him any more than he did me, but if I'm being totally honest in my head, I found him less attractive than before. That doesn't, to me, have anything to do with how much I love him or how much he loves me, it's a physical attraction thing that we can't really help.

I think that considering the time you've been together that the other posters who suggested counseling instead of rushing to leave him is the best idea. I am so sorry that you are hurting and I wish you all the best. :flowerforyou:

I'm sorry that he is making you feel hurt. But at least he is being perfectly honest about what he finds attractive. You yourself admit that you are overweight, and I have a feeling that you may have asked him a lot because you wanted the answer that you already knew yourself.

I was a bigger girl when I first met my husband. I gained about 50 pounds in the first year that we were living together, and I think that his image of me did change and that he was less attracted to me. He never did admit it, but I wish he would have. I've lost the weight, and am almost at my goal, and I do feel that he is much more attracted to me. Instead of feeling bitter about it, though, I realize that healthy is a lot more sexy than not. And I can't change his taste, just like he can't change mine.

You are joining this journey and I know you will do great. It's not about "who wants it more" or who "deserves it more". If you want it at all - then you deserve it.

You need to lose this weight for you. I would suggest going to a marital counselor if your marriage is rocky and you feel it may be in trouble. But the lack of sex may be because of several reasons. You say that maybe it's because he's not attracted to you - but let me ask you this: how do YOU feel about your body? Do you feel attractive? Do you feel sexy around him? It may be partially his taste but it could also be how you feel too. If you don't feel sexy, then I know that it can be hard to have sex with someone.

If you need any tips or advice, feel free to message me.

wow...girl, I feel for you. I don't even know what I would do in that situation. First I'll tell you that you WILL NOT succeed if you are ONLY doing it for him, and you most definitely will not lose any anger or resentment - until you are ready to do this, you will more than likely self-sabotage because you resent it so much.

Where are YOU comfortable at? Were you comfortable at a size 12? You do it for you. I'm not going to tell you to ditch your husband - I mean..not gonna lie he sounds like a douche. I would get it if he were attracted to you the way you were when you got married. But you don't marry someone hoping that they'll become something they aren't - you know what kind of person does that? A person who couldn't get the other woman that he wants you to look like so badly. So he marries you and tries to make you her instead.

But I'm not going to say leave him - that's your prerogative. I just know that I would be afraid that the rest of my life would be covered in pressure to stay thin (or a never-ending pursuing of some ideal image that you are supposed to obtain) and fear/self consciousness of what else is wrong with me that he doesn't like. Just sounds like a miserable existence.

Have you thought about counseling? I agree with others who say you can't control what you are attracted to and I KNOW if you asked my husband which he preferred - the me he married or the 50 lbs heavier me, he'd say he me he married. The difference is, he married ME with the hopes of ME being ME, not me morphing into someone else. I think you need a counselor who could mediate a MAJOR conversation about all this with the two of you.