Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

ShazMc73 · January 2013

This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.

On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...

I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.

Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.

I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.

Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!

dahkneeka · January 2013

Wow.

Firstly, Congratulations on loving you for you. That is amazing and that solely will pull you through your hardships. Secondly; I think he is rude. There is nothing wrong with pointing out a flaw, but not in a hurtful way. If he would like to see you more active, he should suggest you both go for a walk.

Think about some things you could tell him were too small and you wished were bigger... how do you think he would feel?

Best of luck.

lovechicagobears · January 2013

I couldn't live with that kind of pressure. I'd hate to know that my boyfriend thinks I'm unattractive, no matter what my self-esteem. I commend you for loving yourself exactly the way you are. Guys have said stuff like that to me before too. Every time that's happened in the past, I didn't want to be with that person anymore, no matter how much they "loved" me because I knew they didn't love ALL of me.

I think you need to find a guy you are comfortable with, TRULY comfortable with, someone who loves you at your current weight and doesn't pressure you to lose weight. You need someone who loves you, and that includes the entire package, not just your personality.

akilahleemarie · January 2013

Wow I'm sorry but this is so wrong. What gets me, is the fact that he met you like that!! I can see maybe if you put on 20+ pounds after you started dating...but this guy is just a jerk...and when you do lose all of your weight...he will probably find someting else to say..sorry what a jerk!

If i were you I would leave him...99% of guys start dating a girl obviusly don't have a problem with just the way she is..go find one of them!

EstiloPanama · January 2013

Oh my goodness. How RUDE of him. Those kind of thoughts are not okay. It's almost like...the love is 'conditional'. I would feel so unattractive and even unworthy(stupidly!) around that kind of man..

I feel so sad for you. I wouldn't say the relationship is wonderful if he is making you feel this way. In the end, you are the only one who will be able to tolerate what you will. No matter if people on here tell you to work it out, or to dump him, you make the ultimate decision. Personally..I would leave him. It's too easy for some bimbo with a great body to sweep him off his feet, leaving you in the dust. So not fair to you and you seem like such a nice person, as well as intelligent. He's too rude for me..I wonder if eventually he will prove too rude for you.

vBrooklyn · January 2013

WTF!!! First of all he not TRINI(made u smile) 2nd of all when u say u love me u love all of me my big butt my extra skin, my lil butt whatever... I think u need to step back for a while... b/c him telling u that can make u go crazy, and start to obssed with ur weight journey.
From women to the next thing hard about this.. is he worth it?

zilliegirl · January 2013

I'M sorry but this guy isn't good enough for you!! Does he really think hateful remarks are helpful??? How long are you still going to love yourself with him beating you down? If you ask me he needs to dig deep and take his own inventory!!! You are woth so much more than him if you ask me. good luck

cebreisch · January 2013

You are AWESOME for not letting him break your spirit with his hurtful comments about your weight. However, this is a serious wake-up call. If a boyfriend had said this to me, he wouldn't be my boyfriend any longer.

Love is an unconditional thing. It isn't biased or based on size, race, age, or any other discriminatory influences. My husband gained 30 pounds after we got married, and weighed about 200 pounds. Now he weighs about 130 pounds, and I've loved him through it all.

I didn't withhold touching him because he gained 30 pounds after we were married. I love him for who he is, not because he weighed a certain weight, or did or didn't have curves.

I gained almost 200 pounds after we got married and my husband has never said the things to me your boyfriend has said to you. I wouldn't want the success or failure of my relationship to be hinged to my weight, or the determining factor of whether or not someone wants to spend his/her life with me.

You deserve better than that too.

njohnson1966 · January 2013

No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone. I'm glad to hear that you're secure and confident as you are because you are already and were so even at your highest weight, deserving of someone who can love and accept you in whatever situation you may find yourself. It's one thing to wish for a healthy life for someone you care for but to place conditions on whether love is given based on weight and looks alone, is a recipe for failure sooner or later. We each obviously have an "ideal" person who we would wish to find but perfection doesn't exist and even if it does for a moment in time, it'll likely not stay true over the long haul. We change, we grow and life throws things at us that can take away that "perfection" at any given moment. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to accept but I'd encourage you to think carely before investing too much time and energy trying to meet another's expectations. I wish you the best.

MountainMoverJosh · January 2013

This is neither criticism, nor meant to be insulting in any way towards any of you....

I think he was not himself. Guys are brought up to biologically and neurologically be attracted to certain types of females. Some skinny, some fat, some hairy, some shaved. He told you point blank that he has never dated a woman bigger than you before. This tells me that he is either head over heels in love with who you are, and wanted to see if he could get past it, or he was in a stage of low confidence when he met you. I do not know which, and it is not my business to know. But I am wired to like big kahunas on women, I do not know why, it is just my preference. But I will sacrifice that to marry a woman that was tone or otherwise fit, as it is a microcosm of the rest of her life, in most cases. Fitter women usually handle themselves better in other areas of their life too. It has that sense of control attached to it. I do not know what that is like for men, though, as I do not look at the guys. But this is just what I see from my experience.

Once again, not condemning in any way, just some food for thought! Good luck in your weight loss journey.

goldfish29 · January 2013

He's an *kitten*.

wibutterflymagic · January 2013

Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

knittnponder · January 2013

I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.

I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.

Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.

_chiaroscuro · January 2013

My pet theory is that, not always but in general, we tend to choose a partner whose behavior is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. When I was younger there was a stretch of years I felt wretched about myself, and not surprisingly the guy I chose to spend those years with was intelligent, funny, and also breathtakingly cruel.

You characterize this relationship as being wonderful except for this one thing and I won't argue that. I'm sure he's not all bad but then again, I'm not interested in him or whether he's a prince or a festering turd. The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"

cmriverside · January 2013

Large numbers of red flags are popping up in my head about this guy. That kind of language, to me, is abusive and controlling. I . can't . even . . .

MountainMoverJosh · January 2013

Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

missprincessgina · January 2013

WOW. I'm sorry your boyfriend says these negative things. In my 20's I dated a guy who wanted me thin, really thin. I ran 2+ hours a day and did yoga, spinning, etc. He would say negative things if he saw me eating icecream, candy, etc. Thank God, I never married him! I'm now married to someone who loves me at any weight. I can't ever imagine my husband telling me that he finds my body unattractive. We love to work out together and reward ourselves with trips & gourmet meals. Encouraging a spouse/partner to become healthier is wonderful but the negative body comments sounds so douchy.

quirkytizzy · January 2013

My pet theory is that, not always but in general, we tend to choose a partner whose behavior is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. When I was younger there was a stretch of years I felt wretched about myself, and not surprisingly the guy I chose to spend those years with was intelligent, funny, and also breathtakingly cruel.

You characterize this relationship as being wonderful except for this one thing and I won't argue that. I'm sure he's not all bad but then again, I'm not interested in him or whether he's a prince or a festering turd. The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"

This is the perfect way of saying it.

blc1971 · January 2013

I think I was married to this guy previously!! LOL! Seriously, my ex-husband used to do the same things to me. It escalated into daily verbal and occasional physical abuse over the course of nearly 17 years of marriage. My self-esteem was ruined and it took years for me to find myself again and to love me for ME!! Fortunately, I married my best friend this past year. My husband is totally amazing and has always told me, even at my highest weight of 214, that I am beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, etc. When I decided about 4 months ago to get healthy for ME, and so that we could have a long, happy life together, he was totally supportive. He has never once said a negative thing about my weight or my looks. Even at my worst, he tells me I'm beautiful. I know that this is because his love for me is based on the woman that I am INSIDE, not on the outside shell, which will age and deteriorate anyway. I have lost 19 lbs so far and plan to keep working toward better health and fitness. For the record, my hubby is very tall, thin, and fit.

Now, I am not saying that your relationship will deteriorate into physical abuse, but don't ignore the warning signs. Not to get all preachy, but if you are a Christian, read I Corinthians 13:4-13. This passage references love in its highest form. This is truly the kind of love that will last. (For those who are non-Christian, I do not mean to offend!!!) Peace and Blessings!!

ShazMc73 · January 2013

Thanks for all of the constructive comments and the messages I've received. So much to think about, especially some of the perspectives offered that I had not thought about. I am not obese, I am not ugly and I have a lot to offer someone, hopefully my guy will realise this before I get to the point where I have had enough.

I maintain hope and positive vibes, for now...

no1belongs · January 2013

I havent read this whole thing but i would say if he expects you to being slimmer ect then you should expect him to stop smoking. there are and equal struggle for people you struggle with a food he struggles with not have a cigerette. if he is truely in love with you i would say he loves you no matter what size you are. honestly if my man every brought up my weight as an issue for him repeatedly i wouldnt stick around. you have done the right steps by talking about it to him. next time he brings it up i would bring up the smoking and see how he is feeling after that.

Im glad you are proud of you and keep working on being the best version of yourself you can be ^_^

MountainMoverJosh · January 2013

OP....

Maybe you could approach it this way:

Bargain with him. If you guys have a real comfortable relationship, ask him if he will try to quit smoking. I quit in October, and it is the best thing I ever did. 3 months later, I never have a craving. I quit for me, and this is how it is done. But try something: ask him to find his reasons for not wanting to smoke. If he can find reasons for himself, ask him to quit smoking while you are on your weight loss journey. You can be loving and supportive towards his breaking the habit (remember, for him), and he can be supportive- not narcissistic- about you losing the weight you want to lose. It will help both of you gain healthier lives, and you will also grow astronomically closer as a couple. Guaranteed. Give that a shot, but be serious about it, not passive. If you just bring it up while having dinner, he will not take it seriously.

oregonzoo · January 2013

Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

Truthfully.. the way I see it. If you love somebody, truly you are attracted to them. Because you love them. You love their hearts, bodies, and minds.
Being totally honest my fiance is not in shape, I'm very fit.
I'm excited whenever he talks about working out, because I want him to be healthy. But on an looks level, I think he's a gorgeous man.

If you can't love somebody for who they are, don't date them.

ShazMc73 · January 2013

OP....

Maybe you could approach it this way:

Bargain with him. If you guys have a real comfortable relationship, ask him if he will try to quit smoking. I quit in October, and it is the best thing I ever did. 3 months later, I never have a craving. I quit for me, and this is how it is done. But try something: ask him to find his reasons for not wanting to smoke. If he can find reasons for himself, ask him to quit smoking while you are on your weight loss journey. You can be loving and supportive towards his breaking the habit (remember, for him), and he can be supportive- not narcissistic- about you losing the weight you want to lose. It will help both of you gain healthier lives, and you will also grow astronomically closer as a couple. Guaranteed. Give that a shot, but be serious about it, not passive. If you just bring it up while having dinner, he will not take it seriously.

I agree here and in fact we had that discsussion a week ago today. After we went hiking and he was huffing and puffing and I was running all over the place I suggested that while I continue to get FITTER (I am no slouch), he quits smoking so that we can continue our outdoor walks and hikes with more ease. Also, the money saved from cigarettes he can put towards something he really wants... he agreed that this is a challenge for him but not yet ready to get it going. My guy has said he is in the best place in his life physically and emotionally, he has a massive sense of self and confidence and when we met he was like this. I guess the reality is he will one day he will meet someone with the body he craves and he will decide what he wants. He's a good guy as you implied, thanks again for your perspectives, hard to read but good to know....

goldfish29 · January 2013

Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

No he shouldn't have to forego his biological sexual preference but why is he with her then? If that's not what he's attracted to why did he begin a serious relationship with her?

He shouldn't have to give up his ideals in the same way she shouldn't have to mold herself into what his ideal weight would be. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for her, loves her body thick and thin and not saying they can't touch you because they don't like your body.

My god, what an awfully hurtful thing to hear.

dhiammarath · January 2013

Ditch him. I know it's hard, because feelings are involved, but what he talks about isn't unconditional love. *Real* love can see through all the physical imperfections. If he has an issue with weight now, when you're both 80 years old, wrinkled, and broken is he going to leave then? Physical looks are transient, hence the 'unconditional' part. Putting conditionals on how he feels based on your body / how you *look* is so bad.

Now if he was concerned about your health, and the longevity of your life -- that's a different story, but just based on your words, he sounds like a shallow not-nice-person.

That being said, don't let his comments bring you down. YOU are doing what you want to do for YOU, and you CAN'T do it for HIM. Even if you tried, it wouldn't work in the long run, because as you've already said, you'd be worried about forever disappointing him.

Ditch the boy.

Focus on you. Get YOU healthy. Get YOU happy. And you'll find the RIGHT boy that will love you unconditionally -- as much as you have to love yourself to believe you deserve it.

Good luck!

Windy_ · January 2013

He's a dilhole.

lesleyachapman · January 2013

This sounds like you are in the throes of the early stages of a relationship, where everything is sunshine and happiness and you just see "forever" in this person. However, that sheen wears off quickly, and you will soon be in the "real life" stage of a relationship. Add some kids, and what the reality really kick in. If he is finding these faults with you now, when you barely know each other and you are still trying to impress each other, how will he be as you age, as your body ages, as you lose and gain weight during your life? I don't think this is the recipe for happiness.

Further, this speaks volumes about this man's character. He sounds very inconsiderate and immature to me. I think you should really rethink this choice.

Kelley528 · January 2013

umm....sorry to disillusion you, but he doesnt love you. If he loved you he would love you no matter what you looked like. The way he makes you feel about yourself in no way makes him a wonderful man. To me, the way he tell you you are no attractive to him, he doesnt like your body, etc.... makes him the opposite of a wonderful man.

I find it even harder to believe you are in love after only dating since August. This relationship doesnt sound healthy to me. Do yourself a favor and lose the 6'4 mass of weight that is truly dragging you down.

I was 180lbs at my heaviest and my boyfriend loved me. Loved my body. Always complimented me. Stared at me with those stars in his eyes, and love birds flopping around his head no matter what I looked like.

Now that I lost 33lbs, he still looks at me the same way and makes me feel the same way he did when I was heavier. That is a wonderful man--the opposite of what you got.

laurap18 · January 2013

I've been through a similar version of this with an old boyfriend I used to have, and that comment he made about me was the beginning of the end for us. That all happened almost 4 years ago, and I will never forget, that next day I spent my entire day off from work in the gym. That was the first time someone had ever called me out on something I knew was a problem I avoided for a long time. And honestly, I am SO glad it happened. Hearing that from someone who claims "loves" you, doesn't love you at all, was the reason I started my first of many weight loss journeys. This time though, I started up again because of me, not because of some guy. Alothough that experience was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, I think it fuels my drive and desire to see myself as the person I know I am on the inside, on the outside as well. Now I don't dwell on what was said to me, or how it hurt my feelings to no end. But you better believe there are days when I don't want to get up in the morning to work out, I just picture the way I felt when someone who claimed to love me told me I could stand to drop a few pounds, when I kickbox bright and early at 6am. The only thing I have to picture is me punching the crap out of his face to keep me motivated to working harder, making better food choices, and knowing that ending that relationship and all other negative things in my life was the best decision I've ever made. And honestly, I couldn't be any happier than I am right now!

Moral of my story is even if you guys are perfect for each other, you deserve to be treated with respect and like awoman should be. Whether you gained 2 pounds or 200 pounds. If a man can't see who you are past all the super facial things, he doesn't deserve to be in your life, and he surely doesn't deserve to be around you when you've met your weight loss goals. Keep your head up, and make the changes you want to in your life for yourself, no one else. Life has a crazy way of coming together and bringing those people that deserve to be in your life right in front of you when you least expect it!

chrissieo40 · January 2013

why would you want to spend your life with someone who would say things like that to you. not ok. from anyone. especially from the person who is supposed to love you most. ask yourself this: what would he be like as a father? how do you think he would speak to your future children?

Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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