Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • 3RachaelFaith3
    3RachaelFaith3 Posts: 283 Member
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    Okay, I'm going to try not to bash him, bc if you love him I know you don't want to hear that. I do agree with the other poster about being in disbelief that he has a problem considering he met you at the weight you are (besides the 8 lbs). But I will say that it sounds like to me no matter him claiming it's about health, it is about vanity instead. Otherwise he would be a non-smoker health freak who runs marathons. Okay... so now that that's out of the way.... Why don't you just level with him. Talk about how his remarks make you FEEL. Explain to him that you are on a weight loss journey for YOURSELF and that you do want to be healthy. But most importantly since you are not married, you need to try to get a good feel for how he is going to act after your talk... If he is going to continue making the remarks and putting you down, then you need to run in the other direction. In my opinion it is going to be VERY hard to marry this guy and continue being put down by the one person who is supposed to lift you up and make you feel beautiful even on your worse day. You are dating, and not to undermine that, but you aren't married. You can still meet someone who loves you inside and out for who YOU are... Someone that will love you as much as you love yourself.. You sound like a very smart woman, but I know love can give you rose colored glasses, so be very careful about the decisions you make regarding your future and this man. Good luck!
  • naner61
    naner61 Posts: 85
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    RUN!

    If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!
  • Cyndi1
    Cyndi1 Posts: 484 Member
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    ok here I go..... I am happy you said you love you... as you sould... As for him why does he get to comment on your weight... He knew who you were when he met you.... weight is not his issue..... I bet he loves you fully but he has the mental image of what others think... who cares..... If he loves you- he truly loves all of you...every inch..after all we have to deal with their inches and we don't compare..... Here is one for you.... happiness is really and internal thing... no money can buy that or image of what others think... Be happy girl and truly ask yourself are you happy with him..... All the best.
  • Royalsbatwench
    Royalsbatwench Posts: 117 Member
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    He's a dilhole.

    I'm going to second this.

    And third.

    It's not like you've gained so much weight and become a different person in a few months. If it were me, I'd walk away and cut my losses.
  • shirleycooke35
    shirleycooke35 Posts: 26
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    Dump him - he's not worth the upset!
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
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    RED FLAG!

    At least he's being honest, but what happens if you get pregnant and then he cheats? He might then use the excuse that 'you knew how I feel about your weight problem'....

    If he doesn't love you at your worst he doesn't deserve you at your best.

    Keep on looking. The right man is out there for you, and there's plenty of them who are more right than this one.
  • Syndri
    Syndri Posts: 46 Member
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    Wow! How can your boyfriend be that hurtful to you and sleep with a clear conscience at night? He clearly has a problem and you deserve so much more from life than to be stuck with someone who doesn't treat you with respect. You know the answer ... walk away from him. It'll hurt but will be better for you in the long run. Good luck x
  • perfekta
    perfekta Posts: 331 Member
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    I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.

    I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.

    Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.

    This
  • arbogak52
    arbogak52 Posts: 16 Member
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    There is so much more to love than just physical attration. It sounds like you guys have that down. But one of the best things about being with someone you love is that they love you unconditionally...all the good and the bad. While there is nothing wrong with him supporting you on your journey to lose weight...there is something very wrong with the comments he is making. Comments like that tend to have the opposite affect....they bring you down and cause more emotional eating.
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

    No he shouldn't have to forego his biological sexual preference but why is he with her then? If that's not what he's attracted to why did he begin a serious relationship with her?

    He shouldn't have to give up his ideals in the same way she shouldn't have to mold herself into what his ideal weight would be. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for her, loves her body thick and thin and not saying they can't touch you because they don't like your body.

    My god, what an awfully hurtful thing to hear.

    I agree, that those are hurtful things to say, if indeed he said them. People on posts tend to exaggerate what is literally said, but men talking about their woman losing weight is a VERY touchy subject. it is like treading onto a live volcano. you women know this.

    It goes back to what she said initially about what he wanted. He wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her. Men are visual creatures. When we get off, there is either a visual picture in our mind, or something in front of us. If he came out and said it in the beginning, they would not have gotten together. But he is obviously in love with her in different, more intellectual and intimate, areas of her person. He is not totally off the hook, but you have to see his side of it too, not just hers.
  • Ta2dchic20
    Ta2dchic20 Posts: 376 Member
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    Wow. My boyfriend has also said things like 'if we won the lottery you could get a tummy tuck' or talked about other women as having hot bodies and stopped giving me compliments(not to mention sex once every 7 weeks), and stating that he 'knew I was a bigger girl when he met me (I weighed then what I weigh now). When I started on MFP, I didn't do it to lose weight for him, I did it to find my self confidence. I can't change the way he is, I can only change the way I react to him. Even though things have improved, if he backslides, I know I have the strength to walk away if things get bad again.

    Be strong, focus on you and your health, then whatever happens will happen, but you'll be better for it either way.
  • Msdarkmetal
    Msdarkmetal Posts: 5
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    First the negative. I don't understand how you could agree to be in a relationship with someone who is basically saying your body disgusts me. The most important thing in a relationship is unconditional love and he, my dear, does not love you unconditionally. Nor will he ever if he puts demands on how much you weight in order for him to not be disgusted by your body. If he can't love you the way you look now he does not deserve you when you fit his ideal look. Everyone has the right to have standards about who they date. They become a douche when they choose to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't fit their standards and then makes them feel bad.

    Now the positive. Congratulations on finally being able to love yourself. That will make the path to leading a healthier and active lifestyle so much easier. Ditch this douche and find yourself a real man who can love you for you and not what you look like.
  • heypurdy
    heypurdy Posts: 196 Member
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    While reading the first paragraph I actually said "oh my god" out loud and covered my mouth in disbelief. i would NEVER let a man talk to me like that, especially a significant other. the moment those words left his mouth i would've left him. have some respect for yourself!
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.

    i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:

    and as many women have silly physical requirements about guys they will and wont date (ie how many times have i heard a female friend say i dont want to date anyone who isn't taller than me when i'm wearing heels), i find it interesting that suddenly when it involves a man not being attracted to an overweight woman HE'S the one who's being shallow, superficial, etc

    sexual attraction is as important as emotional, mental and spiritual attraction. those of you who are pretending it isnt, especially when it comes to how guys see relationships are fooling yourselves.

    with that said, OP your choices are either to tell him that he's free to walk to someone he might be more physically attracted to or tell him to deal with it while you lose the weight.
  • Zampa13
    Zampa13 Posts: 75 Member
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    Im sorry to hear this.....

    I haven't read previous comments but will do after my post... as what he has been saying to you has made me quite angry.

    If it were me in your situation.... Id ditch him!!! He sounds awful and disgusting to me. Id ditch him concentrate on my weight loss and then find someone who will truly appreciate you mind body and soul!

    Im sorry if this is something that sounds a little heartless but if someone who is supposed to love you and really connect to you constantly puts you down!!! Thats a pure No No for me! He deserves to perhaps see that his behaviour is out of order and perhaps a break from him for a while or permanently... I promise there is someone out there who will love the whole you!
  • fitthatweddingdress
    fitthatweddingdress Posts: 11 Member
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    First off you are beautiful! Yes men are visual creatures but that doesn't give him a right to say those things to you. Love is much deeper than skin deep and you could be the skinniest person in the world but lets face it we are all going to get old one day. If he is so concerned about your looks, what is he going to say later on? Or if you two decide to have a baby, what will he say about the baby weight. My fiance is WAY skinnier than I am, yet he encourages me not puts me down, even to the point of going to the gym with me and eating healthier (which is good for him anyways) If you are seriously thinking about a life commitment with this guy then he needs to not say those things to you! He needs to celebrate in the fact that you love yourself and you will lose weight but because you love you! Hope it works out! But ya that would make me cry if he said that to me!!!
  • Freedomgurl585
    Freedomgurl585 Posts: 196 Member
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    Omgosh...that hurts so much! Honey you are worth someone loving you for you and just YOU. You've come so far! How can this be happening? He should be worshiping you for losing as much as you have and for continuing the journey! I remember when my kids father told me I was too fat for sex and I cried for days...and I gained several pounds because of the emotional eating. Be strong and fight all negativity you are coming into a beautiful place now where all your dreams are coming true...you are working so hard. Keep up the good work, let all that talk go in one ear and out the other. And he BETTER change that attitude because you are transforming into a beautiful person inside AND out so he needs to get with the program! Tell his *kitten* to quit smoking! Sending you lots of Love and Light.
  • Sarahbara76
    Sarahbara76 Posts: 601 Member
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    GET RID OF HIM!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, He doesn't deserve any of you.

    my thoughts EXACTLY!! Guys too if a girl is doing this to get rid of her she doesn't deserve all of you.
  • Amy619
    Amy619 Posts: 15
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    red flag red flag red flag!s,girl do yourself a favor and get on okcupid hes a jerk!
  • suebaird9
    suebaird9 Posts: 7
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    We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx

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