Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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ditch him
you deserve much better0 -
when I was younger, I was engaged to a guy who was 'wonderful' in every way, but for the fact that he continually made reference to 'how great would it be if you could just lose that couple of pounds' etc. After five years, I was almost two stone heavier and we split up because of it.
If he was as lovely as you say, he would accept you as you are - please think carefully about your next steps! I met a truly wonderful man who accepted me in everyway and would never dream of making a point of talking about my weight - he's supportive whether I want to lose weight or stay as I am - he thinks I'm sexy, not my body but my mind!!0 -
i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.
i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:
and as many women have silly physical requirements about guys they will and wont date (ie how many times have i heard a female friend say i dont want to date anyone who isn't taller than me when i'm wearing heels), i find it interesting that suddenly when it involves a man not being attracted to an overweight woman HE'S the one who's being shallow, superficial, etc
sexual attraction is as important as emotional, mental and spiritual attraction. those of you who are pretending it isnt, especially when it comes to how guys see relationships are fooling yourselves.
with that said, OP your choices are either to tell him that he's free to walk to someone he might be more physically attracted to or tell him to deal with it while you lose the weight.
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.0 -
Sorry but this guy is plain DUMB. He's a jerk. Don't sell yourself short with this guy. You should be with someone who likes the way you are now. You will never be happy totally happy with his guy because he belittles you. What if you did lose a bunch of weight. Or I should say when you do lose weight I believe your confidence will be too much for him. Those comments are not necessary for a loving relationship. I wish you all the luck because dating is hard but don't settle for this.0
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i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.
i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:
Right, but if you're finding someone unattractive you don't start dating them.0 -
If I ever heard those comments from a significant other, I would be GONE. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship, at all.
You deserve better.0 -
RUN!
If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!
Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.0 -
I he truely loved you he wouldn't be saying anything like that at all. He's an *kitten* and needs an attitude adjustment.0
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Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.
But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?
I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.
No he shouldn't have to forego his biological sexual preference but why is he with her then? If that's not what he's attracted to why did he begin a serious relationship with her?
He shouldn't have to give up his ideals in the same way she shouldn't have to mold herself into what his ideal weight would be. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for her, loves her body thick and thin and not saying they can't touch you because they don't like your body.
My god, what an awfully hurtful thing to hear.
I agree, that those are hurtful things to say, if indeed he said them. People on posts tend to exaggerate what is literally said, but men talking about their woman losing weight is a VERY touchy subject. it is like treading onto a live volcano. you women know this.
It goes back to what she said initially about what he wanted. He wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her. Men are visual creatures. When we get off, there is either a visual picture in our mind, or something in front of us. If he came out and said it in the beginning, they would not have gotten together. But he is obviously in love with her in different, more intellectual and intimate, areas of her person. He is not totally off the hook, but you have to see his side of it too, not just hers.
I guess we just disagree. I'll take your quote "he wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her". Right there I'm blaming him. Men ARE visual, he should have known better and it's his fault and incredibly unfair to her.0 -
I know you say that you're strong enough to handle his comments... but I promise you that eventually, your patience is going to snap and you will resent him for all of his criticism. It isn't my place to tell you what to do... it isn't anyones... but I would suggest that you just be very cautious.
Don't fall for a guy that can't love you for yourself... irregardless of your weight. It could seriously back fire.0 -
Do a 180 and just keep on walking my love! He doesn't deserve you! G0
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If he finds you physically unattractive, you can NOT be wonderful together.
ETA: You are a beautiful woman. You need to believe it and know you are deserving of someone who agrees.0 -
F HIM. I can't even read past the 2nd paragraph...Really??!!! And what about when you are old gray and wrinkly, what a jerk!0
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Your quickest weight loss program to drop 180 pounds is to drop his sorry butt on the curb and find you a real man that appreciates you!
Jerk.0 -
If you like someone's personality, but you don't want to be in a physical relationship with them, it's called FRIENDSHIP. This guy needs to learn that definition instead of getting you into a relationship with him where he puts your physical appearance down.
*HUG* You deserve better!0 -
i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.
i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:
Right, but if you're finding someone unattractive you don't start dating them.
EXACTLY.. my thoughts exactly. He should not have entered into the relationship and then they even took it to the next level. Shouldn't he have said, you know what I prefer a diff body type, bye.0 -
If he cannot love the you that you are now then the relationship isn't as intense as you believe it is. It's what you WANT to believe it is. If he is constantly telling you to go down to your college weight where he did not know you or where you were not exclusive then thats not the you that you are now and I personally think you need to find the person that finds the you NOW attractive.0
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Honey, I am so sorry that you are in this position. I understand exactly how you feel. I blogged about it last year. I would encourage you read the comments that the wonderful people left for me there as they were encouraging and very eye opening to me at the time. I hope this might help.
I have to admit that while you two may very well love each other, it is NOT loving for him to express his feelings of not being able to accept you unconditionally. I would ask that you consider that while everything else might be great, this is not healthy or best for you. hang in there sweety.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/ladynica/view/i-would-ve-married-you-in-a-heartbeat-if-you-were-smaller-2558890 -
End the relationship now. It will only get worse. I have been married for 35 years,I can promise you attitudes do not improve with age. Either he loves all of you as you are now,or he doesn't really want a future with you. Find someone who sees you as beautiful. I have been heavy for a long time, my husband always thinks I am pretty (and I am old !) Every person deserves love and respect from their partner,what he is saying to you is not respectful. You deserve better.0
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AGAIN in most cases if you love somebody you are physically attracted to them. Maybe moreso for women....RUN!
If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!
Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.
WHY WHY WHY would you start dating somebody who you weren't attracted to. It makes no effing sense.
If this callous jerk isn't physically attracted to her, his feelings cannot be that deep and he just needs to let her move on and enjoy her life.
She's a beautiful woman and deserves better.0 -
(Quote from an earlier post. Don't know how I messed it up, lol)\
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
Exactly! There's nothing wrong with having a type or wanting to be attracted to the person. But why get in a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive then expect them to change. That is what I do not understand. I've never dated a guy who I felt was unattractive because of being overweight then tell him he doesn't meet my standards and should lose weight. It just makes no sense.0 -
I have 4 words for you...........
SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!!!!!0 -
i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.
i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:
and as many women have silly physical requirements about guys they will and wont date (ie how many times have i heard a female friend say i dont want to date anyone who isn't taller than me when i'm wearing heels), i find it interesting that suddenly when it involves a man not being attracted to an overweight woman HE'S the one who's being shallow, superficial, etc
sexual attraction is as important as emotional, mental and spiritual attraction. those of you who are pretending it isnt, especially when it comes to how guys see relationships are fooling yourselves.
with that said, OP your choices are either to tell him that he's free to walk to someone he might be more physically attracted to or tell him to deal with it while you lose the weight.
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
yeah but we don't know the full story though do we? we just have the OPs perspective which is going to be clouded by her own issues .0 -
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All due respect but he sounds like a jerk. I am stunned anyone would ever say those things to someone. I would say his smoking is more unattractive than a curvy figure!!!!0
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I'm sorry I could only bring myself to read down to "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". If he can’t be attracted to you the way you are he will never really be attracted to you. That's just a very insensitive and shallow thing for a person to say to another. I know words on a forum shouldnt make your decision for you, you should do it yourself. You should find someone that finds you attractive no matter what your body looks like.0
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I haven't read through all of the threads, but I see it as this way. If he can't love you at your worst (not saying he doesn't or that you're at your worst, but at some point you will be...) how can he love you at your best? In his mind, you will never live up to his body preference, BECAUSE you're curvy. To me that has nothing to do with your weight...it has to do with your body type. And even losing weight isn't going to change that. As I saw one other person say, love is unconditional. Marriage is (supposedly) forever. Age is going to set in and so is gravity. Things are going to droop, sag, etc. you're going to have babies (I'm assuming) and things will stretch, widen, etc. If he can't love you the way you are before all that happens, then what's he going to do when it does?0
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We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx
But are you guys not seeing that the OP herself does not like the weight she has? Doesn't that have any significance? But everyone says dump him, because he has said such....mean....hurtful....unforgiving things to you. Like I said before. Touchy subject. Most men screw it up. But how else are we supposed to convey a preference about such a touchy subject?
This is why America is getting dumber than other countries. Nobody thinks outside the box anymore, nobody sees how things happen. They just see finished product. I guess if nobody sees it my way, I will let the bash-fest continue. Salut!0 -
I guess we just disagree. I'll take your quote "he wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her". Right there I'm blaming him. Men ARE visual, he should have known better and it's his fault and incredibly unfair to her.
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Right.. You don't date somebody thinking of all the things you wish were different about them. That's not fair or healthy.0 -
I don't even need to read past this paragraph -
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
this is ridiculous - dump him - immediately. and move on to someone who will TRULY love you - because I hate to tell you, but he DOES NOT! you deserve much better.0
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