Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

This is neither criticism, nor meant to be insulting in any way towards any of you....

I think he was not himself. Guys are brought up to biologically and neurologically be attracted to certain types of females. Some skinny, some fat, some hairy, some shaved. He told you point blank that he has never dated a woman bigger than you before. This tells me that he is either head over heels in love with who you are, and wanted to see if he could get past it, or he was in a stage of low confidence when he met you. I do not know which, and it is not my business to know. But I am wired to like big kahunas on women, I do not know why, it is just my preference. But I will sacrifice that to marry a woman that was tone or otherwise fit, as it is a microcosm of the rest of her life, in most cases. Fitter women usually handle themselves better in other areas of their life too. It has that sense of control attached to it. I do not know what that is like for men, though, as I do not look at the guys. But this is just what I see from my experience.

Once again, not condemning in any way, just some food for thought! Good luck in your weight loss journey.

The most intelligent comment I've seen. My husband likes very tiny women, and no matter how much weight I lose or have lost, my breasts and rear end aren't going anywhere. I know if I had been lined up next to 10 other women, I would have been 8th or 9th in order of preference. But my husband would go to the ends of the earth for me. He treats me like a princess and I've never felt lacking for attention or love. We like what we like - and as long as YOU love yourself and your body, he can't take that away. It sounds like he really wants to be with you.

Scenario #2, he is extremely self-conscious and is projecting his feelings on to you. If you discover this is the case, I agree with the majority of posters, ditch him.

But I'd like to give the guy the benefit of a doubt.

We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx

But are you guys not seeing that the OP herself does not like the weight she has? Doesn't that have any significance? But everyone says dump him, because he has said such....mean....hurtful....unforgiving things to you. Like I said before. Touchy subject. Most men screw it up. But how else are we supposed to convey a preference about such a touchy subject?

This is why America is getting dumber than other countries. Nobody thinks outside the box anymore, nobody sees how things happen. They just see finished product. I guess if nobody sees it my way, I will let the bash-fest continue. Salut!

Oh yes, please continue to enlighten us on why America is getting dumber....

Someone who is critical of you will ALWAYS find something to criticize. My abusive marriage started out with him criticizing how I dressed (not wearing jean cut offs to a party when I was wearing a worn out jean skirt) and escalated from there. I now have PTSD from the marriage, and all three of my children have PTSD from his abuse of them. Get out while you can. Once you get sucked in my a guy like this, it is hard to get out. They make you question your reality. It took me fifteen years to escape. Please, get out NOW.

This is what I call a RED FLAG. As much as you might not want to face it, this guy is not for you. He should be loving every inch of you without condition and clearly this is not the case. Run, there is no room for compromise when it comes to your mental health. I'm not saying he's bad, but he's not for you. Good luck!

Run. Run away. Run fast. Don't look back.

Why do people think they can change others? This is who he is at his most basic level. You won't change that, not ever.

He is being a complete a**. You were bigger when he met you and you are still bigger. He shouldn't expect you to change for him. If he isn't attracted to you then he is not the one. I read most of your story with my mouth hanging open by the way because that is how out of line his comments are! You deserve someone who will love you mind, body and soul.

There's no future with this guy. If he feels this way now, it will only get worse. I was skinny when my ex and I got married, and soon after he started making comments about how good 'younger' girls bodies looked. (I was in my 30's at the time) I never did measure up to his idea of what my body should have looked like, and then I started gaining weight. We only managed to stay married for 7 years. Take my word for it, most people don't change. It's not worth the heartache.

I had to reply to this. I know, without a doubt, that my husband is not attracted to my body type. We were friends before we were married and I saw the girls he went for. They were what I would call "cheerleader" types: blonde and very petite. Essentially, the exact opposite of me.

That being said, I know I am beautiful and attractive to him because he loves me. He tells me that I am beautiful every single day. He said it when I was at 340 and he says it now that I'm 231 and all the weights in between. We've been together for 15 years next month and there is no way that I could've stayed with him for more than about 15 minutes if I had to hear "if only you were a different size" type of comments.

Seriously, if he loved you, he'd love you the way you are and not keep wishing you were some ideal version of a woman that he has stuck in his head.

Get out of this relationship immediately! I had an ex boyfriend who treated me the same way and every time I ate he would ask me is that very healthy, that will go straight to your butt. 3 years later when I was at a healthy realistic weight he still didn't make any kind of commitment and I realized that it was a failed relationship. You have to do this for yourself not anyone else.

That's the thing, right now it's just her weight but then what? Say she drops the pounds, maybe then it's her hair, or her clothes or her makeup (or lack of).

And yes, we all have types and many of us date outside of those types but I doubt most normal people would sit around and remind the other person of that.

Yes, he IS shallow.

Skinny does not equal healthy.

Maybe the two of Ypu can take a health course together. And he will be willing to work on his health, too. (Personally, I would end the relationship, but you love him so I assume want to work on building the relationship)

It is really hard to let go of a relationship after you have put a lot of time and work into it. But sometimes that is what you have to do. It hurts to tear yourself away but sometimes you need to cut your loses and move on and start over with someone new.

And it's not like he just said it once when he was drunk or super angry... This is really how he feels and he thinks it's OK for him to keep bringing it up to you.

As far as the male-female dynamic goes, this is the equivalent of you telling him that you view him as inadequate because he does not make enough money and he is not a good provider and therefore you cannot fully respect him the way a woman should respect her man. I bet he would be crushed if you told him you don't completely respect him. It is just as appropriate for you to be crushed by what he said to you.

He has shown that he cannot give himself to you 100%. He is holding back and setting conditions. I don't think he can change. In my opinion you should move on. You deserve so much better.

You can't be with someone like that. Imagine if you did lose the weight like he wants, how could you really live with yourself knowing why you did it? Your self respect is at stake. He is basically saying he doesn't want to be with you in a jerkface way.

NO.
Just. NO.
You are adorable AND you've come so far and worked so hard to get that cute little body of yours. I'm sorry, but mutual attraction is not a negotiable fact in most new relationships. I get it, I've been in some unusual relationships before, but none I'd consider exclusive (they were just to weird to allow that kind of normal and respectable a designation) and it kind of sounds like you're in a similar situation. There may be a ton of love there and I guess I can appreciate his (brutal) honesty (though he wouldn't be in my life for more than a few minutes after the things he's said and I really am fat), but it sounds like you are in an intense but platonic relationship with a somewhat manipulative individual who would just love to change you.

It's so confusing when there is real love there. But his version of love includes unacceptable levels of cruelty (not to mention an infuriating lack of self-awareness regarding his lack of fitness). And your version of love will continue to be a Sisyphus-ian battle if you stay. I am so sorry.

The title of this post should be "Relationship dilemma all due to his unwarranted narcissism"

Good luck and congratulations on your weight loss so far, keep up the good work.

I feel like you could do better than this guy. It seems to me that he is being emotionally abusive. If he doesn't find your body attractive, then why would he want to be with you? I think he is just saying those things to break down your self esteem and "groom" you so that he can be manipulative and controlling. I was with a guy like that once and he would be so sweet and nice one minute and the next minute say something hurtful and it would really mess with my mind and emotions. I started to have symptoms of depression because of it and it only got better when I finally broke up with him after 2 years. I don't think any man should say those things to his woman and especially if you've only been officially together for a few months. From what you say this guy sounds dangerous and I would look for someone else or just be single.