I don't want a big wedding...how do I stop this???

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  • Maris_Swan
    Maris_Swan Posts: 197 Member
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    This is all wonderful, valuable advice....thank you ALL!

    I am meeting my fiance for lunch in the next half hour or so, and I'm just going to let him know where I stand officially on this. Yesterday I was wavering with me going back to the original plan instead of going with a small wedding because I was afraid of rocking the boat. I almost feel like I'm insulting my fiance by thinking he would not support me on this, but still, I just want to keep the peace.

    Kudos to the wonderful advice of starting off on the right foot with my future MIL. Yes, this is her only son getting married, but I am the only daughter of my parents to be married and they are cool with this. I just need to chill, but this is overwhelming and i am so glad for the feedback.

    *I am not figuring out how to reply to individual posts, or I would have done this rather than a blanket response. doh!
  • cbrrabbit25
    cbrrabbit25 Posts: 384 Member
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    yep, do what YOU want! Your wedding is not something that you should ever regret. My husband and I went to maui for ours despite not everyone else being able to join. We just had our parents and one of my brothers with us. Not everyone could make it but it wasnt about them-it was about US!
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    It's important to her that we get married in a church (my fiance and I do not personally care.
    Its YOUR wedding, not hers. I have a close friend who went through something VERY similar, and they gave in to every one of his mother's 'demands'. Almost 10 years later, she continues to tell them how to do everything and they're always giving in to her. I'd suggest you nip this one in the bud right now so she knows that only two of you will be making decisions in this marriage!

    Congratulations on your engagement and good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • Im_NotPerfect
    Im_NotPerfect Posts: 2,181 Member
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    Honestly...if you want any semblance of a happy memory of your wedding, you need to do what YOU want. When my husband and I got engaged, I suggested a wedding moon in Jamica or something. He wouldn't hear of it. He wanted the big white circus. So I told him he had to help me with EVERYTHING. And he did. However, to this day, I do not have happy memories of my entire wedding. Pretty much everything up until the receiption was great. The reception, however, was a nightmare for me.

    If I had to do it all again, trust me, it would have gone differently.

    And just keep one thing in mind...ultimately what matters is that the end of the day, whatever kind of day that is, the important thing is that you are marrying your best friend.
  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
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    Let your fiance do the talking, it is his mother...he needs to handle her. Whatever you do, don't settle for less or more than what you want. Your day...own it.
  • darkguardian419
    darkguardian419 Posts: 1,302 Member
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    My wife and I got married on a boat. Safety requirements limited the total amount of people to 10. Easy day for that :D
  • MizSaz
    MizSaz Posts: 445 Member
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    You guys need to communicate. Period. If your mother in law starts running the show now, it sets a very uncomfortable precedent. She's already had her day in the sun, and now it's your turn. Include her, ask her for opinions, but don't let her railroad you. It will only set you up for it to keep happening.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    My wedding list (should I get married) consists of two people.

    if anyone doesn't like that...they aren't marrying me.


    end. of. story.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    The problem here is that as a functional, mature adult, you see the reception (and let's not kid, the RECEPTION is what we're talking about) as the merely the beginning to a long, wonderful marriage, and the party is ultimately irrelevant in the grand view of things... and not some huge princess-for-a-day social party to impress lots of people with and get in debt for.

    Clearly YOU'RE the crazy one... :wink:

    Have the wedding YOU (plural) WANT. It's *both* of "your day" - forget this "her day" bull****. If your family wants more bling, and you feel OK accepting it, they can pay for it.
  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
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    weddings aren't for you, they are for everyone else. enjoy the ride.
  • FitBeto
    FitBeto Posts: 2,121 Member
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    Please please please please create some kind of t-virus and start a zombie apocalypse. Zombie apocalypse and avoided wedding all knocked out in one week - might as well have a cheat meal!
  • koshkasmum
    koshkasmum Posts: 276 Member
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    Your idea sounds lovely (courthouse, grandfather's blessing, small dinner party) so why not just do it? A wedding is for you and your fiance - not your future mother-in-law.

    One way to avoid a big production is to do it fast (like in a few days) Invitations by phone - "are you free Saturday?" My sister in law did the short notice thing and it worked wonderfully. (My mother in law stopped worrying about the church thing eventually - its hard to challenge a wedding's sincerity at the couple's 30th anniversary.)
  • miracole
    miracole Posts: 492 Member
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    can your fiance's grandfather perform the ceremony for you in a small chapel? There is no such thing as a typical wedding anymore, you have to do what will make you most happy when you reflect back on your day.

    If you want it small? have it small, a couple of friends of mine had their weddings in the courtyard of a beautiful little restaurant and then had their "reception" dinner at the restaurant afterward, it was lovely!
  • cuterbee
    cuterbee Posts: 545
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    I got married in a park (our small wedding was on Halloween, and everyone -- including the guests -- came in costume). Low key and lots of fun.

    My daughter decided to get married when her boyfriend got out of boot camp and had a month before he had to report to duty -- we found a dress at a consignment shop, borrowed a friend's landscaped backyard, her aunt made the (very fancy) cake, I made her bouquet, did the rest of the flowers (didn't need many since it was outside) and made her veil from a premade one from Hancock's (and sewed on 80 swaroski rhinestones). Another friend did the music, an uncle did the photographs, and yet another relative was the minister (he was the only professonal -- all the rest of us were amateurs). She really felt special because we all worked so hard to make everything come together -- and all of us took pride in the beauiful ceremony we managed to pull together.

    You do what YOU want. My mom thought I was crazy for my Halloween wedding, but it was just exactly right for my husband and me.

    PS -- there's a picture on my profile if you want to see my wedding party...
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    First, not all women want a big, expensive, hassle-filled wedding. And in my option women who do not want such things are *not* failures. My husband and I had a very small wedding, with a few close friends and that was it. We had the wedding we wanted, because it was *our* wedding. If someone else wants a big wedding, let them have it. As for the church, perhaps you could find one with fewer rules? Or you and your future husband can tell your future MIL that this is your wedding, and you will do what you feel most comfortable doing.
  • cutierozie
    cutierozie Posts: 35 Member
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    Congrats on your engagement!!! It's YOUR wedding and your finance's wedding, as long as he is in agreement with you no one else opinion should matter. At the end of the day you can't please everyone.

    I myself had a small wedding and don't regret it. Now that we are approching 10 years married we've considered having a big ceremony and renewing our vows. You always have that option as well.
  • peacefulsong
    peacefulsong Posts: 223 Member
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    My aunt had a big church wedding with a shower and reception and all that over 20 years ago. Just in the last year or so she told me she and her husband had really just wanted to go off on vacation together somewhere and get married with no fuss, but her in laws immediately dove in and started making plans and she felt like she couldn't stand against them. She's always regretted not doing what they initially wanted to do.

    Big weddings are a lot of expense, and a lot of stress. If it's not what you really want, then don't do it. Tell your fiance to explain to his mother that you'd rather save the money and avoid all the stress. Maybe you could still have a big party of some sort afterwards if it's really important for them to have something like that, that will involve much less stress and expense than a full blown wedding/reception.

    This is you and your fiance's wedding, and the start of a new chapter in your lives. You should make it something that you will both be happy with and can fully enjoy and look back on fondly and without regret.
  • sjmitchner
    sjmitchner Posts: 121 Member
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    I have been married now for 5 years. I did the wedding. My advice now to people who get engaged? Elope. Or rather don't do a huge wedding. I don't remember most of it, it was stressful, and not that much fun. Our photographer harassed me until I just finally told her to leave. The photos from our friends and family were way better then what we got from her. I spent $500 on a dress I haven't worn again. Ours was inexpensive wedding ($3000) but I still wouldn't do it again. My hubby and I were offered the money we spent on the wedding to go and have a honeymoon. But I "needed" that wedding. Instead it was 2 years and 3 months before we had anything like a honeymoon. Our site was dry (no alcohol) so our friends put on an after party. We were so tired we didn't stay long, as we had to drive ourselves to our hotel.
    If you don't want this, don't do it. Remember it's you and your fiancee's day. If you're worried about his mom, maybe you can ask her to help out with something. So she gets to feel involved. But stand your ground. She already had her day, and this isn't about her.
  • Mischievous_Rascal
    Mischievous_Rascal Posts: 1,791 Member
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    I caved into the pressure with my first marriage, and it wasn't worth the cost, monetary and stress-wise.

    My second wedding was a mere four hours long - ceremony was at 10 am with close family (21 people including me and my husband), pictures until noon and then a fun lunch until 2 pm. Then we said thanks and went back to the hotel for a nap! Dinner, drinks and dancing that evening at OUR favorite pub with an open Facebook invite for everyone we know to show up or not - many did. I did not purchase stationary, decorations, flowers, etc. A week before the wedding I decided I wanted the cake-cutting pic so I ordered one and had it delivered straight to the restaurant and I didn't even see it until it was placed in front of me for cutting. And it was perfect, just like the entire day!

    My fave quote of the day was from my new mom-in-law: "Thanks for not making us sit through all the boring wedding-y stuff."

    Bottom line - sit down and have as many chats as it takes with your fiance to figure out what the two of you want your day to be, and then do that. (Especially before you start sinking cash into it!)

    Congrats and best of luck!
  • MochaMixAZ
    MochaMixAZ Posts: 844 Member
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    This is YOUR day... well, technically BOTH of your days. I'm sorry, but I don't subscribe to the pleasing everyone else, especially on THIS day.

    Call an impromptu meeting with all the important parties, or make a phone call - and say, "I am so excited, thank you for your enthusiasm as well! I've given this lots of thought, and here's what I want....."

    Just DO IT.

    We got married in a dive Mexican restaurant (the scene of our 3rd date)... just a few family and friends... and it was AWESOME. Yes, a few people might have had their feelings hurt because we couldn't accommodate a large group and all the fanfare, but.... *IT WAS PERFECT* And even better, our entire wedding was paid off before we said "I do" because we were able to control expenses. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

    Do it... do what you want... do it your way. There are so few times in life when it gets to be unregrettably and undoubtedly about YOU.... this is one of them.

    One way I've found that works when talking with family is to start off the conversation right. Don't be afraid of it, just go with gusto. Maybe try, "Mom-in-law, I AM SO EXCITED! I can't wait to be part of this family and I want to thank you for your shared excitement. I know you want this day to be perfect for me, here's my plan. . . I'm so excited for you to be a part of this, would you be willing to X and Y?" Give a task - make her feel included - and move on.

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