I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

huntress74
huntress74 Posts: 31 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have a best friend, let's just call her Jane. She and I both need to lose 50lbs. She constantly is complaining about her weight, and how it affects everything in her life. I know how she feels, because being overweight does make things more difficult. My husband dropped 40 lbs last year by running and changing his diet. Recently I have made a commitment to myself to do the same.

I was sharing an exercise program with her that my husband gave me. I tried to encourage her to do it with my, but she kept saying things like "why doesn't he accept you for you are", and "why does he feel he needs to change you". I recently joined a kickboxing class and she makes off handed comments about it that "the instructor is not qualified", "kickboxing is for men", or she'llchange the subject abruptly when I try to bring it up. I try to get her to walk or do something with me and she always has an excuse why she can't. When I stopped over to visit last week, she sat there in front of me eating food that she knows is a huge vice of mine.

Last night, she called and I told her I was about to do my 30 minutes of walking....10 minutes into my exercise, she shows up at my house with 2 bottles of wine and said that she really needed a friend to talk to because she's having trouble with her husband. For as long as i've known her she has had trouble with her husband. They fight alot, mostly because she instigates it. I think it's because she's unhappy. So I drank two glasses with her. I wouldn't let her open the other bottle. She stayed over until very late and I wasn't able to finish my workout. I went to bed angry at myself and started thinking that she did that on purpose!

This weekend she suggested we go to the city and hang out. When I asked her where she wanted to go, she immediately suggested my favorite restaurant. I know I can't go there because I am trying to stick to my diet. It seems like since I have started working out she had become more and more needy and claims she "needs a friend to talk to" all the time. This always includes wine or beer with her...which totally racks up the calories.

I love her but, I am seriously upset that she is not being supportive and, it seems, trying everything in her power to stop me from being successful. Maybe she has always been this needy, but before I had more time to be there for her. Now my time is more limited. Am I imagining this?

I don't want to lose her as a friend. But, I am afraid if I lose all my weight, that is exactly what will happen because of her insecurities. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

Angie
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Replies

  • krisiepoo
    krisiepoo Posts: 710 Member
    Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.
  • RosscoBoscko
    RosscoBoscko Posts: 632 Member
    I'd say hard as it is the only real option is to talk to her if you want to keep her as a friend. Tell her how you feel and that you need her support as well as you giving her yours, can't be a one-way street.

    If she isn't willing to do this or stop sabotaging you then unfortunately the only thing you can do is cut her loose, or at the very least significantly scale back your friendship.
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
    just break up.









    kidding! :smile:

    focus on your goal, surround yourself with positive people who will support you, and dont let her get in the way of your workouts! sometimes we look for excuses as well - hang out with her and suggest cool places to go to where you can be in control of what you eat!

    you can totally do this
  • Mac247
    Mac247 Posts: 57
    Drink water while she drinks wine. You should be able to resist peer pressure. As for the rest of it, it's up to you to figure out how to let her be part of your life w/o dominating you w/ her wishes and desires.

    Mac
  • kchang77
    kchang77 Posts: 76 Member
    This is different for everyone. However, sometimes this "journey" in not just about losing lbs., it's about changing your life. If that means shedding a toxic relationship that will ultimately be better for YOUR life, than that weight may the greatest loss for you.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,990 Member
    Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • Skratchie
    Skratchie Posts: 131 Member
    Yep. Learn to say No.

    Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.

    If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.
  • ClydeFrogRIP
    ClydeFrogRIP Posts: 11
    That's a tough situation. Some people have such a hard time working on themselves that they make excuses constantly for why they can't do something. Don't let her excuses become yours. Next time she shows up while you're exercising, invite her in and continue your work out while you talk. If she invites you to your favorite restaurant, join her and eat something healthy from the menu. Use her excuses as a challenge to push harder. Once she realizes that you're serious about this, maybe she'll change her tune.

    Misery loves company. Don't be that company.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    Whether it's on purpose or not it's not what you need. So bascially tell her you don't want to drink beer/wine.go to restautrants, if she can't accept that it's her problem and she needs to deal with it.

    I say stop worrying about your friend, she's made enough excuses to make you realise she's not going to do anything about her weight so just get on with what you're doing about yours...good luck!!
  • bsuew
    bsuew Posts: 628 Member
    I think as hard as it might be you need to have a talk with her and explain again that you are trying to become healthy and that you'd love for her to join you. If she can't get in that mind set she needs to at least support your efforts. That's what friends are for!
    Best of luck!
  • Lakeswoman
    Lakeswoman Posts: 37 Member
    I don't she's a friend, AT ALL.

    Make your plan for you and work her in on your time. Your changes, your rules.
    She isn't/can't/won't do that for herself or you.
    Your determination for changing things for you make you accountable only to yourself...great motivation, BTW.

    All the best in this endeavor. If you need support, please add me.
  • juliemouse83
    juliemouse83 Posts: 6,663 Member
    I agree with Rossco.

    I also think that you need to be clear that between x & y hours you will be working out, and if she chooses to drop by you can't stop what you are doing. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but it isn't NEARLY as harsh as what she is doing to you, whether it's intentional or not.

    When she sees that you will not stop your workout because she "drops by" she will either leave or join you. Either way you win. :happy:
  • joybedford
    joybedford Posts: 1,680 Member
    I think you just need to talk to her and tell her how important it is for you to lose weight. Point out to her (kindly) that she is not helping you, say you like to hang out but does it have to involve food/wine. If i am meeting up with my friends I do an extra workout so I have the calories for whatever we are having and don,t feel bad about it. Explain to her that you love her but you really want to change your lifestyle. If she is a good friend she will understand.
  • Angel37615
    Angel37615 Posts: 87 Member
    Who needs a friend like that? Yes she is sabotaging you, yes its intentional. Distance yourself.
  • Alisha_countrymama
    Alisha_countrymama Posts: 821 Member
    If she is as good of a friend as you say she is. You should be able to tell her how you feel.
  • footiechick82
    footiechick82 Posts: 1,203 Member
    Hi Angie, I have the same problem with the person I live with. However, the difference is, she won't eat so she doesn't pack on the weight because she doesn't work and will sleep all day instead of eat. She is a chef and makes amazing meals and it's hard to say no. She always has wine in the house and asks me to have wine or beer with her. I've learned how to deal with her though...

    If she wants to have a glass of wine, she can, I have water. She makes a huge meal, I eat a big salad before and eat only what I can for dinner. If I'm working out and she wants to talk, she needs to watch me and talk to me because she knows damn well I'm not going to stop. Also, if she wants to go out for dinner or do take out, I usually say no OR, I order whatever I know will be within my calorie limit that day. I told her if she wants to join me at the gym or with my workouts she's welcome, but I'm not missing them, they're too important to me.

    I've sent her 'healthy' recipes so we can share the food together and she's started to understand she can't mess with my progress because I won't let it happen. If your friend continues what she's doing, you will have to put your foot down and just say, "Listen Jane, I'm sorry we're not on the same page, however, I'm trying to better my health for myself. If you want to join in, fantastic, I will help you on your journey, if you don't want to, then you must let me do this for me." If she can't understand that, she's not a real friend and needs to get a life.
  • newheart22
    newheart22 Posts: 4
    Believe me you don't need this friend around you the loving in this relationship is not both ways it may be difficult for you to accept but if she cares about you half of what you felt by stopping your workout and drinking with her, she would at least encourage you.
    tell it to her face let her know what you're thinking.
    You will find other friends if she wants to go.
  • krissa3670
    krissa3670 Posts: 76 Member
    It sounds to me like your friend while she wants to lose weight is not willing to do anything about it and doesnt want you to do anything about it either. She sounds very unhappy in her life and only she can fix that. You can be supportive yes but she has to help herself to get out of the situation. Dont tell her when your planning to work out then she cant sabotage you but as said earlier, if she does come while your doing something tell her to wait till your finished and try to talk to her, tell her the things you have said on here. If she takes offence and walks off in a huff so be it. You owe it to yourself and to her to be honest. It will just fester and grow if you dont and then you will just end up exploding at her and that wont help either of you. I hope you find a way to get through this. Good luck with your journey x
  • sunnyGinnaye
    sunnyGinnaye Posts: 75
    Yep. Learn to say No.

    Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.

    If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.
    this
  • jillmarie125
    jillmarie125 Posts: 418 Member
    Put yourself first, not her.
  • whitleynoel
    whitleynoel Posts: 198 Member
    Try and tell her that you are very serious about getting yourself into shape. If she is a real friend she will be supportive and kick your *kitten* every step of the way. If she you still think that she is trying to sabotage you may have to call her out on it. She may try and turn it around on you like you are a bad person for insinuating that or she may not realize that she was doing it. May sound harsh but a friend wouldn't do that to you and you may be better off letting on go if they do.
  • LovahLorah
    LovahLorah Posts: 39 Member
    Support her emotionally, not physically. You do not need to drink the beer or wine to talk. If she has a problem with it, then you know that she is doing it on purpose, and probably jealous of your great choices! Misery loves company, just be stronger than the misery! Once you start making the choices that are best for you, and avoid temptation, you will feel great about it. She will eventually see that she cannot sabotage you! A real friend would want to see you succeed, and she probably wants you too, but is probably also unhappy with herself and finding it difficult to watch someone better themselves! If you would normally drink beer and wine and go to those restaurants with her, then your lifestyle change is also affecting her if you aren't doing those things with her anymore, so maybe she is slightly bitter, not necessarily a bad friend, but she didn't pick these changes herself. Try picking out some things that fit within your calories ahead of time, and you can continue to go to those places. Or try to think of some alternative things you can do with her, and plan them out so she doesn't show up at any hour, if you are making the plans then you are in control!
  • FunnyGirl613
    FunnyGirl613 Posts: 151 Member
    Try to see it from her side. You suddenly "got the religion" and to her, you may be coming off as preachy. Take the diet/exercise talk off the table. Talk about everything else. If you mention something in passing regarding *yourself*, like "I'm not available next weekend" and she asks why you can reply, "because I'm taking a running class" etc.

    If she wants to go to a restaurant and you don't feel ready for it yet, then say, "I can't go out to eat. I'm not control of my eating enough yet to do that. How about a museum? or a movie? or something else?"

    If you're exercising and she needs a friend to talk to you can say, "I need to finish my exercise but I can listen to you while I finish. Besides you probably just need a listening ear anyway." "I would love to have some wine but I would rather spend my calories elsewhere."

    It's true she may be feeling like once you lose the weight you won't be her friend anymore. You need to ally those fears.

    Also as I can say on my side, with maybe one exception, all my friends have been HUGELY supportive. Every time I exercise, lose weight, etc they are there cheering me on. They all see *I* want it so bad and so they want it for me too.

    Much luck with this situation and keep up the good work! It's hard in the beginning...
  • bgelliott
    bgelliott Posts: 610 Member
    You need to be honest with her and tell her that it needs to stop. No matter how much you care about her and your friendship, your wellbeing comes first. If she cannot support you in your journey then she is not a true friend. I lost several friends in my journey and honestly, I'm ok with it because I'm much happier now then I was back when I was overweight. It's a tough thing to do but if you want to reach your goals, you have to be honest with her.
  • sunnyinaz78
    sunnyinaz78 Posts: 39
    You have every right to put yourself, your health and your peace of mind first!

    A year ago when I started my new lifestyle of physical, mental and spiritual health, I had to drop all of my drinking buddies including my now ex-husband who was my partner in drinking and eating (and other unhealthy habits) Doesn't mean you can't have the occasional good time, just means you have to draw the line, stick to what keeps you motivated and people in your life who truly want the best for you will respect you for it. The universe has a way of bringing similar people who share your energy and good intentions to you!
  • huntress74
    huntress74 Posts: 31 Member
    This is different for everyone. However, sometimes this "journey" in not just about losing lbs., it's about changing your life. If that means shedding a toxic relationship that will ultimately be better for YOUR life, than that weight may the greatest loss for you.

    My husband is saying the same thing. He doesn't think she is a genuine friend. I am beginning to agree. I guess I may have to start being more stern in telling her no. She just gets so upset and tries to make me feel guilty, like I am trying to hurt her feelings. I is becomming very annoying. I am a pretty nice person, but she is really starting to push those boudaries. Maybe I should just let her go or at least distance myself from her while I am in this stage. And they other guy is right...I shouldn't fall into peer pressure. However, it is the most difficult for me now because I have just begun, so my willpower is not super strong at this point. I don't know it is sad, but this may be the beginning of the end of our friendship. :(
  • bokodasu
    bokodasu Posts: 629 Member
    Aw. She's probably not (purposely) trying to sabotage you, she's trying to protect herself.

    Start off from a position of sympathy - anything she says about you, realize she's really saying about herself. "Why doesn't he accept you for who you are" is a big flag - she's worried about her husband, not yours. And the favorite restaurant thing, that's probably just because she knows it's your favorite restaurant, not that she's thinking, "muah ha ha, I will take her to this place she's always enjoyed and she will overeat and my master plan will finally come to fruition!" Once you have that firmly in your head, it's easier to ignore what she's saying, because you'll know it's not personal.

    That said, you can't let sympathy for her be the boss of you. If she wants to drink a bottle of wine, that's on her - you don't have to drink it with her just because you feel bad for her. If she needs a friendly ear, you can listen just as well walking as you can drinking. If she wants to go to your favorite restaurant - either go, and enjoy her company, or suggest somewhere else, or say you'll catch up with her next time. (You're going to have to learn to eat reasonably there eventually, unless you want to avoid it for the rest of your life, so it's not a bad idea to deal with that sooner rather than later.)

    Of course, there's no guarantee that she won't up and abandon you because seeing you change reminds her that she feels bad about herself. But a little benefit of the doubt on both sides, and just trying to be kind, goes a long way.
  • SamAdams125
    SamAdams125 Posts: 54 Member
    What a frustrating situation! Have you tried talking to her and asking her to respect your decision to be healthier? You don't even have to justify it as losing weight but just doing things that are healthier for you. If you've been best friends for awhile she should respect your decision. However, there are people out there who need to find the negative in everything. I know someone who has a friend like this who ALWAYS complains no matter what. Everything becomes about them and their issues, many of which are self inflicted.

    In an ideal world, you could talk to her and she'd realize she's taking advantage of your friendship (by interrupting your workout to ask you to drink wine because you're "friends") and you two can take on this healthy lifestyle together. If that doesn't work, you may need to be firm with her. The next time she shows up and you're mid-workout, ask her to wait in the kitchen/dining room until you've finished or ask her to join you and then you can drink water while she drinks her wine. If she still insists that you must be at her beck-and-call because of your friendship, you may need to spend some time thinking about what this friendship has to offer you and what it's taking away from you (including in terms of lost time and taking in her negative energy). I'm a huge fan of pro/con lists since putting it on paper makes it much easier for me to figure out.

    I'd imagine that she's not consciously sabotaging you, but her actions will get in the way of your success if things continue as you have described. With the person I mentioned earlier, she had to acknowledge that her friend would always be very negative and complain a lot so she decided that she would hang out occasionally with her but stopped being the one to suggest hanging out. That may be one option for you. If all else fails, limit your time with this person if all she's doing is creating stress for you.

    If you have some free time, I'd suggest picking up a copy of Chalene Johnson's book: Push. In part of the book, she helps you identify the people in your life that stress you out and hold you back (including those friends she calls "wounded birds" that us kind hearted folks just want to help!) and a kind way of either telling them how you feel about your relationship and working to bring you closer together while you get what you want out of the friendship or slowly spending less and less time with them.

    Good luck! I hope she takes your friendship seriously and treats you with the respect she expects from you!
  • kevinkidder
    kevinkidder Posts: 7 Member
    I have seen this type of behavior many times. My ex-wife included. She was unhappy about herself, but misery loves company. It is easier to accept your own faults if you know that someone else shares them. If she feels that she is going to lose you as a 'misery buddy' she will have to face herself and let the reality sink in. In some ways, in the back of her head, she is probably hoping that you will fail, so she can say "See? You are just like me. Don't worry, we will be this way together".

    That doesn't mean you can't be friends, but it does mean that you and her need to have a serious heart to heart so that she can fully understand and appreciate how important your goals are to you, and that as your friend, you have expectations of her being supportive.

    Being successful in anything take work, discipline and the support of those around us.

    Good Luck!

    Kevin
  • caitlyn30
    caitlyn30 Posts: 207 Member
    you just need to learn to say no to her. whether she is doing it on purpose, hard to tell. if you have gone out to the restaurant to do something on other occasions then its just something you guys did together, doesn't mean she's doing it on purpose.
    just learn to say no. no i don't want wine, no i don't want to go to that restaurant. no, i can't stay and talk about your husband unless of course you want to do it walking with me.

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